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Thread: Heartbroken and Devastated

  1. #51
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Find me a human being who says they have every pillar of their life intact and I'll show you a liar or a dreamer. .
    But at least I could have had love. And I want a wife and kids. And everyone around me is getting it. At least in my community and in my line of work. Do you see where I'm coming from? I don't expect it all. Just really want that part figured out, at least.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I do see where you're coming from. Of course I do. I've got 7 years on you—no wife, no kids—and felt versions of those fears and feelings myself, particularly acutely in the wake of relationships ending.

    Thing I also see? You are only 33, which is not exactly out to pasture. That's just a very hard fact, which I'd try to lean on now to put the very real feelings in perspective. Saying that you "at least could have had love" right now is like a soccer player saying they "could have" won the match if they'd made that one goal in the first 5 minutes. Oh, but the game is still going on, still in the first half! So there's still plenty of time to score. If life is a soccer match? You are, right now, in the first 15 minutes...

    I also understand the pressure that comes from seeing what others are doing, but hopefully you can get a handle on that too. There will always be people who have what you don't, and you will always have things that others want. I sometimes envy my married friends with kids. Then those friends shoot me a message about envying me, and my life. Then we all laugh and go back to trying to figure out our own little piece of the puzzle, which is the real forever stuff.

    The right relationship? It will literally be bigger than all of this, all these ideas, because what it is in the present will be more profound than the past or future. Does that make sense?

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I do see where you're coming from. Of course I do. I've got 7 years on you—no wife, no kids—and felt versions of those fears and feelings myself, particularly acutely in the wake of relationships ending.

    Thing I also see? You are only 33, which is not exactly out to pasture. That's just a very hard fact, which I'd try to lean on now to put the very real feelings in perspective. Saying that you "at least could have had love" right now is like a soccer player saying they "could have" won the match if they'd made that one goal in the first 5 minutes. Oh, but the game is still going on, still in the first half! So there's still plenty of time to score. If life is a soccer match? You are, right now, in the first 15 minutes...

    I also understand the pressure that comes from seeing what others are doing, but hopefully you can get a handle on that too. There will always be people who have what you don't, and you will always have things that others want. I sometimes envy my married friends with kids. Then those friends shoot me a message about envying me, and my life. Then we all laugh and go back to trying to figure out our own little piece of the puzzle, which is the real forever stuff.

    The right relationship? It will literally be bigger than all of this, all these ideas, because what it is in the present will be more profound than the past or future. Does that make sense?
    It does, yeah. I sure hope to find it soon. It's funny because when she came back around the first time, everything in my gut was screaming to stay away. She didn't seem remorseful or have any real apology or anything about ending things so abruptly. Instead she kind of steered to blaming me for sending long messages and being too emotional when I was trying to understand why things shifted so suddenly. But it's a risk I took. And if the relationship hadn't ended for the reasons she says it did, I'd probably be more chill with it. I've had relationships end before and recognized incompatibilities and moved on. This one, threw me for a loop. And I think it's just because of how it all happened and the circumstances around it. And being older too, of course.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You have heaps of hope of finding the right woman who will love you the way you deserve. Life changes so quickly, before you know it, you could be a husband and father in 5 years time.

    But in order to give that scenario a chance, you need to close this door for good and venture down another path.

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rayj83
    It's funny because when she came back around the first time, everything in my gut was screaming to stay away.
    Focus on this, and everything else you just wrote. That's a sign that you were in a pretty great place right then, a pretty healthy place. And, yeah, you turned an ear to the screams of your gut. Happens. It will happen again, in some shape or another, and it will be okay. Every now and then we ignore our guts to learn to respect them.

    The loops you're putting yourself thought right now? Well, those are also ignoring that gut, in ways. But it's there, asking to be listened to, and listening, in this case, means letting go. As Sherry said, life can really change so quickly—especially when we're open to those changes, not hanging onto things that don't need to be hung on to.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You're in the denial/bargaining stages of grieving the end of the relationship. It's OK as long as you realize this.

    You want a wife and a family. You knew from day one she wasn't going to be that wife and mother. She told you herself.

    Someday, hopefully soon, you'll remember that and realize that holding onto her would mean the end of your dreams, not the start or fulfillment of them.

    My good friend married at 36 and had a family. My youngest nephew was born to his parents when they were 41! You have time.

  8. #57
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun

    You want a wife and a family. You knew from day one she wasn't going to be that wife and mother. She told you herself.
    She didn't really. WHen she came back and we had our "long period" of time, she wanted these things and wanted them with me. It wasn't until she saw the emotional instability that she was fully sold on that I wasn't the one she wanted to be with.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rayj83
    She didn't really. WHen she came back and we had our "long period" of time, she wanted these things and wanted them with me. It wasn't until she saw the emotional instability that she was fully sold on that I wasn't the one she wanted to be with.
    In order to believe that, you had to completely disregard what she told you about how she discarded men quickly.

    Anyway, I can see you are nowhere ready to accept the reality of who this woman is and what the relationship was to her. You'll get there eventually.

  10. #59
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    In order to believe that, you had to completely disregard what she told you about how she discarded men quickly.

    Anyway, I can see you are nowhere ready to accept the reality of who this woman is and what the relationship was to her. You'll get there eventually.
    I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be dismissive or argue aganist what you're saying. I know I'm coming from a hurt and sad and angry place because of how it all unfolded and in a place of beating myself up.

    Can I ask thought what your thoughts are on the situation? I know you commented briefly about her not being the one from day one, but just in terms of how the relationship unravelled and what I could have done to save it or not have it go down the drain. What are your thoughts?

  11. #60
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Please stop beating yourself up, ray. There was a problem with her not you.

    You are allowed to have feelings. You are allowed to trust those feelings with your partner and show your vulnerable side.
    The right woman will love you for them.

    Your only problem was she wasn't the right woman. Please keep telling yourself this.

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