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Thread: Heartbroken and Devastated

  1. #31
    According to Sherry, if they are incompatible, then i wish she wouldn't ever appear then to play with this angel-hearted man. Sorry for the poor English conduct.
    You need time! You need to be repaired physically and emotionally. Please do not drink. Okay???? Okay? Do not cry. You must spend time with male friends at this moment, whether she comes back or not. You should spend time swimming. The bad point is your country must be encountring Corona disease at the time and you cannot get out of home. Please be patient and do not drink and refresh your body under shower and I wish dear Mom could give you deep sweet hugs if you both are in quarantine together. Mom is the remedy at this time but make sure you are not going to endanger her health (many ppl are carrying corona virus in their body and you mentioned that mom was once diagnosed by cancer). Be patient. Please smile please dear

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What's the point of being in a relationship if you can't show all sides of yourself?

    Me? My dominant side is that of a pretty easygoing dude, engaging, warm in spirit. But alongside that? There's a part of me that is, I don't now, call it self-protective. A bit brooding. In less successful attempts at romance, that part is deemed "distant" and "unreadable," a source of frustration, maybe even insecurity, just as I've been put on edge and felt insecure around women who are pretty wonderful people, just not wonderful for me.

    Now, I'm not saying that you should use having emotive mini-breakdowns as a litmus test of compatibility, but just that the right person won't react as she did. She'll basically just shrug, but affectionately. In being shown that respect for your full spectrum, you'll see something funny happens: that "side of you" doesn't surface so much. Or, in a word: compatibility. Someone alongside whom you almost can't help but blossom, rather than catch fire.

    Imagine if you were talking about a chemistry experiment right now—which, hey, you are. You are Substance X, she is Substance Y. You pour them into one beaker, and what happens? Some nice colors for a moment, but then it bubbles over, heats up, the glass cracks. All that is just fact, and if you were in a laboratory you wouldn't keep pouring those two substances into one beaker in hopes of different results. Nope, you'd realize that you need a different combination of chemicals—more compatible ones—to get the reaction that is not corrosive and destructive.

    One way to look at this? It's more of some leftover, unresolved tentacles of your 20s than it is the New You. This woman came to you and said, "I'm a mess!" In response you said, "Let's do this!" Yes, I'm being reductive, but is that the response of someone "solid," to use your words, or the response of someone who needed a weird chapter to realize there was maybe a few points in the foundation that needed shoring up?

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What's the point of being in a relationship if you can't show all sides of yourself?

    Me? My dominant side is that of a pretty easygoing dude, engaging, warm in spirit. But alongside that? There's a part of me that is, I don't now, call it self-protective. A bit brooding. In less successful attempts at romance, that part is deemed "distant" and "unreadable," a source of frustration, maybe even insecurity, just as I've been put on edge and felt insecure around women who are pretty wonderful people, just not wonderful for me.

    Now, I'm not saying that you should use having emotive mini-breakdowns as a litmus test of compatibility, but just that the right person won't react as she did. She'll basically just shrug, but affectionately. In being shown that respect for your full spectrum, you'll see something funny happens: that "side of you" doesn't surface so much. Or, in a word: compatibility. Someone alongside whom you almost can't help but blossom, rather than catch fire.

    Imagine if you were talking about a chemistry experiment right now—which, hey, you are. You are Substance X, she is Substance Y. You pour them into one beaker, and what happens? Some nice colors for a moment, but then it bubbles over, heats up, the glass cracks. All that is just fact, and if you were in a laboratory you wouldn't keep pouring those two substances into one beaker in hopes of different results. Nope, you'd realize that you need a different combination of chemicals—more compatible ones—to get the reaction that is not corrosive and destructive.

    One way to look at this? It's more of some leftover, unresolved tentacles of your 20s than it is the New You. This woman came to you and said, "I'm a mess!" In response you said, "Let's do this!" Yes, I'm being reductive, but is that the response of someone "solid," to use your words, or the response of someone who needed a weird chapter to realize there was maybe a few points in the foundation that needed shoring up?
    This is insightful, thanks. I don't want to judge or assign blame on her. But I find it so infuriating she couldn't embrace my issues and work with me. It's not as if I cheated or we were completely incompatible, and she was very clear of her feelings for me and that she was happy until she saw that side of me. Do you see red flags/issues with her in how she responded to my difficulties?

  4. #34
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    ray, are you going to be able to accept that she can't/won't accept the side of you she seen, without creating self hate towards yourself?

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    ray, are you going to be able to accept that she can't/won't accept the side of you she seen, without creating self hate towards yourself?
    Do you mean if/when she comes back, or just in general without her? I think the hardest thing I'm having trouble accepting is how I showed up in thsoe moments and the damage it caused to the relationship. It was basically the demise of our relationship.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    No, I mean will you be able to accept that she is not coming back and that she won't accept that certain side of you?

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    No, I mean will you be able to accept that she is not coming back and that she won't accept that certain side of you?
    That's what I'm trying to do, but finding it almost impossible to do. No matter how hard I try. And believe me, I'm trying.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I know it's hard. I know you so badly want it to work. It's like finding all the pieces and only one doesn't fit...it doesn't seem fair!
    But it still won't change things.

    She showed you how much she will support you in tough times. It's not what you need. Neither of you can change.

    You just have to find a way to let it go, however difficult.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rayj83
    This is insightful, thanks. I don't want to judge or assign blame on her. But I find it so infuriating she couldn't embrace my issues and work with me. It's not as if I cheated or we were completely incompatible, and she was very clear of her feelings for me and that she was happy until she saw that side of me. Do you see red flags/issues with her in how she responded to my difficulties?
    I see a field of red flags here, being honest, beginning with the part where she told you she burns through people (red flag in her) and you hopped on the rocket (red flag in you, seeing if two red flags can make for a pretty quilt). But that I get, having ridden those rockets here and there, and probably been that sort of rocket plenty myself. Next red flag is going back in for more—which, again, isn't something to rake yourself over the coals over, though something to learn from.

    As for her response to your difficulties? Well, yes and no. See, I don't think we are really owed anything save for what people give us. My girlfriend has the right to deem me "too much" anytime she wants. This woman had the right to not be into moving forward, be it because of a blue period in your life or something much shallower, like you only cooking steaks medium well instead of medium rare. So rather than "red flag" it's, again, more just like incompatibly: a human being who can't hang with you when you need hanging most.

    That said, am I surprised by her bouncing when you were less than sparkly? Of course not. She told you that's who she was, which brings us back to those first red flags. She told you, showed you. You've also given plenty of ink to her being easily swayed by friends and family, which to me speaks of someone who has yet to find their own inner steering wheel. Some people never do. That's a red flag to some (me, for instance) but workable for others. Different needs, different thresholds, different chemicals.

    Big red flag in all this? To me it's that you've outsourced your sense of meaning and worth to her. Not healthy, ever. Particularly concerning given how little traction this whole thing had.

  11. #40
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    Thanks all. She did know I had dealt with depression and had some issues with emotional regulation but these were very much under control except for those couple of times. And I was continuing to get help for it. A lot of stuff was happening in my life that just overwhelmed me and, given my nature, needed to get more perspective and work through it. Guess I need to move forward. No other way.

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