Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 14 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 132

Thread: Heartbroken and Devastated

  1. #21
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    62
    Well she was all over the map in the beginning. Like I said, going from really liking me and hangnig out a lot to just dropping off the face of the heart unexpecdetly, and making me feel crazy/too emotional when I tried to understand why there was such a sudden shift and all I got was a "I need space and time to figure out what I want." I knew the risk I was taking when she came back around. And maybe I shouldn't have even taken it. But when we got back together the second time, for the 7 months or so, outside of my breakdowns, things were really good and much better. She's amazing on so many levels and we clicked so well in spite of what were some obvious incompatibilities. I just know if she WANTED to work on it with me we could make this work. But she doesn't. And that's so hard to accept I think.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,043
    It really is a bitter pill to swallow but it's more about her and not you. She can't give you the acceptance you seek.

    Will it ever change? I wouldn't put much hope into it. You'll only be fooling yourself.

    In times of turmoil, she let you down. In times of showing loyalty and what mattered to her, (with her best friend not liking you), she didn't defend you or stand up for you.
    You need to be more reasonable in seeing how she treated you. It wasn't as rosy as you keep telling yourself.

    In the times you needed her to most, she turned her back to you.

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    62
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Maybe she's too messed up herself to be able to love and support someone. Maybe she needs loads of healing too and can't give anyone that type of love and support.
    Maybe, I don't know. But I do know she's looking to find someone else to settle down with. As she told me when she ended things, she's "running out of time". She's the last single woman of all her friends, and her most recent single friend met someone and got engaged 8 months into dating. I know she's convinced she can find someone better and PLEASE DON'T SAY MORE COMPATIBLE!!! I know a part of me is not accepting that and needs to, but I think there's also a part of this I'm not communicating in that we were compatible in sooo many ways and she just almost convinced herself out of the relationship because of she saw me. Like I said before, she said 75% of the reason she ended things was because she couldn't get over how emotionally distraught I was in those moments, which made up maybe 5% of our total time together.

  4. #24
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    62
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    It really is a bitter pill to swallow but it's more about her and not you. She can't give you the acceptance you seek.

    Will it ever change? I wouldn't put much hope into it. You'll only be fooling yourself.

    In times of turmoil, she let you down. In times of showing loyalty and what mattered to her, (with her best friend not liking you), she didn't defend you or stand up for you.
    You need to be more reasonable in seeing how she treated you. It wasn't as rosy as you keep telling yourself.

    In the times you needed her to most, she turned her back to you.
    I know. And my hope is she will come to realize that somehow. But that seems highly unlikely. I guess the only thing I can do is just not contact her? That's what she's asked for. Maybe I too need to set the bar higher for myself. It felt like I had a winning lottery ticket out of my inability to settle down with a partner and blew it and/or we just couldn't click on that level. If I hadn't been so distraught at the wedding, she would have never seen this side of me. Although if the shoe were on the other foot, and she was going through the same thing, I'd be there for her 100% and not remotely consider leaving her. But maybe because I'm a man there's more of an expectation to have my together. Which I do - but I have my moments.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    4,341
    Gender
    Female
    Do you think she may ever come to realize this? And give this a second chance and accept what happened?

    Second chance? If I read correctly, it's been four already. Past behavior predicts future behavior. When a person dumps you so easily, it's a good predictor that it will happen again, when the newness once again wears off. This panned out just as could be predicted in this instance, and the other short relationship she had with the other guy.

    I will guess that you don't have much of a life besides having a gf or the goal of having a gf. I'd say to invest in guy friends and hobbies so that you will bounce back far quicker when a romance ends. Plus work on your self esteem by reading books and articles on how to do this, because I can't fathom someone wanting a woman, AGAIN, who treated him like a yo-yo in the past, and who didn't care enough to stick around for the long haul.

    When Carrie Fisher, as a young 19 year old, had an affair with the married and older Harrison Ford when they were in Star Wars together, George Lucas said to her something like: Look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself.

    You think you deserve someone who has thrown you away time and again, and you keep crawling out of the dump to the source. You deserve better, even if you don't presently think so.

    You can't be everybody's cup of tea. Hold out for the woman who is crazy about and will never want to let you go. Not even once.

  7. #26
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    62
    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Do you think she may ever come to realize this? And give this a second chance and accept what happened?

    Second chance? If I read correctly, it's been four already. Past behavior predicts future behavior. When a person dumps you so easily, it's a good prediction it will happen again, when the newness once again wears off. This panned out just as could be predicted in this instance, and the other short relationship she had with the other guy.

    I will guess that you don't have much of a life besides having a gf or the goal of having a gf. I'd say to invest in guy friends and hobbies so that you will bounce back far quicker when a romance ends. Plus work on your self esteem by reading books and articles on how to do this, because I can't fathom someone wanting a woman, AGAIN, who treated him like a yo-yo in the past, when didn't care enough to stick around for the long haul.

    When Carrie Fisher, as a young 19 year old, had an affair with the married and older Harrison Ford when they were in Star Wars together, George Lucas said to her something like: Look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself.

    You think you deserve someone who has thrown you away time and again, and you keep crawling out of the dump to the source. You deserve better, even if you don't presently think so.

    You can't be everybody's cup of tea. Hold out for the woman who is crazy about and will never want to let you go. Not even once.
    Lots of wisdom here, thank you. LOL it would be the fourth chance technically I guess, although the last go around she was very closed off to the idea and I basically was trying to get her to see that I could be stable. It wasn't really like we got back together at all. But yeah, she did leave me 3 times now.

    In terms of not having other stuff, I am dealing with a lot of separation from my family right now. Some issues there. And I feel an immense amount of pressue to "catch up" to people my age. In my circle, 95% of the people are married, about to be married, have kids, etc... I've gotten so much better, but have dealt with self esteem issues since I was a teenager (bullying, bad family divorce) which probably doesn't help my outlook. Turning 33 last week didn't exactly make me feel any better about this. I recognize I'm not too old or anything, but given almost everybody around me is at a different stage, and I have had tons of relationships not work for different reasons, it's hard to accept and be positive. Somehow finding other hobbies feels like a waste until I figure out this part of my life. I have a professional background and will be gainfully employed I think for as long as I want to be, but don't have much passion in what I do. So I feel in the main pillars of life - love, career, family, friends - I am striking out in all of them. My best friend and I don't speak much - he just had a baby and so it's hard to find time to hang out. Same story with my other 2-3 friends. I've got an amazing dog. That's about it right now in terms of connection.

    And I wasted a lot of my late 20s dealing with certain addictions which didn't help relationships with my family. And I dealt with depression in my early twenties/late teens. So I finally feel like I'm clear of all that and wish something panned out the past 3-4 years when I've been "solid". And of course wish I didn't deal with that in my 20s.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,810
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by rayj83
    I just know if she WANTED to work on it with me we could make this work. But she doesn't.
    Read those two sentences you wrote a few times. It's kind of the essence of compatibly: wanting to work together, and having shared faith the work can be productive.

    If only one person believes all that? Doesn't really matter, tough as that pill is to swallow.

    This woman? She never believed it. Sounds, honestly, like she doesn't trust herself to "work" with anyone, which isn't so much a red flag as skull and crossbones stuff. She likes the possibility of connection, and likes it when all is "good," but that's the beginning and end of her appetite, like someone who only orders from the appetizer or desert portion of the menu.

    When you say you want her back so badly? I think what you're saying is that you really, really want to be the main course. Great! Means you need to find someone who orders from that part of the menu. Easy to work with that.

  9. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    62
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Read those two sentences you wrote a few times. It's kind of the essence of compatibly: wanting to work together, and having shared faith the work can be productive.

    If only one person believes all that? Doesn't really matter, tough as that pill is to swallow.

    This woman? She never believed it. Sounds, honestly, like she doesn't trust herself to "work" with anyone, which isn't so much a red flag as skull and crossbones stuff. She likes the possibility of connection, and likes it when all is "good," but that's the beginning and end of her appetite, like someone who only orders from the appetizer or desert portion of the menu.

    When you say you want her back so badly? I think what you're saying is that you really, really want to be the main course. Great! Means you need to find someone who orders from that part of the menu. Easy to work with that.
    True. I guess I saw all the ingredients between us to make it work. She did too, obviously, as she was with me a while and was "crazy" about me (I heard this from others too). But yeah in the end, didn't want to work through the difficulty I had with me. I want her back badly because I saw everything that was great between us but of course if she doesn't want to do that, there's nothing I can do and I realize it. It's just that if I hadn't shown this side of myself, which scared her and made her think this side of me would be all-encompassing, this would never have deteriorated.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,043
    ray..it sounds as though there are many other areas of your life you are not happy with and need to turn around and change for the better. You are taking all of your emotions and placing it all on this woman's head, as if she were your savior.

    But it's misplaced and misguided. Yes, she made you feel special for a certain time, she made you forget all the rest of the bad in your life and gave you hope.
    I understand that. But it will not real. It was not long term or stable. It was a flash in the pan and something that was never going to last.

    Those feelings of desperation you're feeling now is returning back to face the rest of areas of your life that you're not happy with. Things that needs to be fixed, turned around, changed for the better. You don't want to face them by the sounds of it and are choosing instead to desperately grasp onto her in order to "save' you from these other realities.

    But you need to slow down, let go, come to acceptance.

    You can fix your own life, find your own way. Turn your own life around. You don't need her.
    When you do get yourself in a better place, things will fall into place much better the next time you do decide to date someone. But it can't be this woman.

  11. #30
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    62
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    ray..it sounds as though there are many other areas of your life you are not happy with and need to turn around and change for the better. You are taking all of your emotions and placing it all on this woman's head, as if she were your savior.

    But it's misplaced and misguided. Yes, she made you feel special for a certain time, she made you forget all the rest of the bad in your life and gave you hope.
    I understand that. But it will not real. It was not long term or stable. It was a flash in the pan and something that was never going to last.

    Those feelings of desperation you're feeling now is returning back to face the rest of areas of your life that you're not happy with. Things that needs to be fixed, turned around, changed for the better. You don't want to face them by the sounds of it and are choosing instead to desperately grasp onto her in order to "save' you from these other realities.

    But you need to slow down, let go, come to acceptance.

    You can fix your own life, find your own way. Turn your own life around. You don't need her.
    When you do get yourself in a better place, things will fall into place much better the next time you do decide to date someone. But it can't be this woman.
    Thanks and you're right. It's funny because my family and therapists have said that if I was in a better head space/had better self-esteem, I wouldn't even want this ex girlfriend and wouldn't have kept returning to her/having to prove myself to her.

Page 3 of 14 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •