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Thread: Heartbroken and Devastated

  1. #11
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    Thanks bluecastle and sherry.

    Thing is, she said 75% of the reason she ended it was because she couldn't mentally get over how she saw me in those states. Outside of that, we had a good relationship and there was a lot of chemistry and compatibility. Maybe I'm in denial and can't face up to it. But I just am going off of what I felt and saw between us.

    I guess it hurts to read those of you saying we weren't compatible because firstly I don't really believe it - the ex even confirmed that by saying 75% of the problem was how she saw me. She also made it very clear to me she was crazy about me and had very strong feelings for me. I'm not sure how you get to that point and are incompatible.

    The frustrating/heartbreaking thing is I wanted to work on these issues with her. They weren't so bad. I just don't understand why she, in the end, didn't want to. I can respect her decision of course, but when someone is sooo in to you and sees you in a moment of weakness and bails, it hurts. Our fights/issues were few and far between. The majority of the problem was how she saw me in those emotional states. She said it herself.

  2. #12
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    I want her so badly. Is there anything I can do? It's not like there wasn't something between us there. I'm convinced, and she told me, if she could get over how distraught she saw me, she would want me.

    Is there anything I can do? At all? Will she ever come around?

  3. #13
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    I just don't agree that we were incompatible. I just don't. Maybe I'm just heartbroken and can't see it or don't want to accept it, but I was in it and saw it. We were very alligned in a lot of ways. We had some issues but the biggest one was the breakdowns she saw me in she couldn't get past. The other issues were minor. I love this woman and to be with her so badly. No matter what you all say about us being incompatible :( I was in the relationship I saw the red flags in the beginning but during our time together we had compatibility. We were both VERY into each other. It wasn't until she saw me in that state that she started to question everything.

    I want her so F*cking badly. It's killing me.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    ray...do you really want a woman who does not accept you when she see's you in a vulnerable state? Those are the times we need our partner the most.

    Those are the times we show our underbelly and hope for unconditional love, not for someone to turn away and make us feel worse than we already do.

    You were in a vulnerable state around her. That's not a crime, and it's not wrong. You showed your feelings. That's more than okay..if you're with the right person. But her not accepting you and telling you that she does not want you, due to this certain circumstance, just proves how much she IS NOT the one for you.

    Life can be very difficult. There are going to be times you will struggle, have bad times, and even cry. In those times you will need someone who comforts you, supports you, loves you just as you are.
    It's not her.

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  6. #15
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    I totally agree. And I want that. And for whatever reason she couldn't give it to me. But why then does that feel like a failing on my part? It's because it's on me to keep things smooth sailing and easy. And the reason things went off course was becuase I wasn't being stable in those moments. Do you see where the guilt and anger comes into play? And it's so hard to say "well it was just that we weren't compatible" when this was the primary cause of us not being "compatible"? She's a smart enough woman to know all this - that there will be issues and ups and downs. So why couldn't she be more supportive and understanding if she knows that? She's not naive about that. With any partner will come those times. So why jump ship when it happens to be me experiencing it? I'm still having trouble I guess understanding that piece of it too.

    And if I had ALL the qualities she wanted in a partner, clearly then my sensitivity/kindness would be something that would make us compatible, no?

    Do you think she may ever come to realize this? And give this a second chance and accept what happened?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There's an ongoing thread where you can safely write all your thoughts out: [Register to see the link]

    Post here instead of contacting your ex!

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, I understand where you're coming from. But this is where we are talking about the incompatibility. You don't need to have loads of them, you just need one incompatibility that is fairly big, big enough that it puts everything else off kilter.

    She can't handle being with someone who is more emotional, despite what she might have said. That's the bottom line. You need to come to terms with that.

    Does that make you less than or bad or 'not good enough'? NO. Do you know how many people out there have similar personalities as you?
    Hundreds, thousands.
    We are all different. We all process things differently, deal with things differently, behave differently. But you need to stop the self hate.
    You are who you are. There is nothing wrong with that.
    But only YOU can accept yourself. And until you do, you will keep going in this cycle of negative emotions.

    You like her a lot. I totally understand that. And you so badly want to be what she wants. But ray...it's not going to happen. You can't force yourself to be someone you are not.
    You can get angry, cry, be over the top upset. But it still will not change the fact that this one thing in particular, is always going to be an issue between you two.

    There are loads of people out in the world that want to fit someone else's mold to be accepted. But it's not healthy and it's not right.
    You need to be you and to be okay with that.

    You're not even considering that there might be another woman out there that you will feel just as strongly for, but she will accept and love you, especially in your most vulnerable times.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    So why couldn't she be more supportive and understanding if she knows that? She's not naive about that. With any partner will come those times. So why jump ship when it happens to be me experiencing it? I'm still having trouble I guess understanding that piece of it too.
    Maybe she's too messed up herself to be able to love and support someone. Maybe she needs loads of healing too and can't give anyone that type of love and support.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Exactly what Sherry is saying.

    Adding to that: Do you want to be with someone who triggers a vulnerable side of you to surface more often than is typically "you"? I ask that because I can't help but get the sense that something about this woman, right from the start, threw you off-kilter. But rather than respond to that feeling as something signaling poor connectivity, you assigned a different value and meaning toward it.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Exactly what Sherry is saying.

    Adding to that: Do you want to be with someone who triggers a vulnerable side of you to surface more often than is typically "you"? I ask that because I can't help but get the sense that something about this woman, right from the start, threw you off-kilter. But rather than respond to that feeling as something signaling poor connectivity, you assigned a different value and meaning toward it.
    Well she was all over the map in the beginning. Like I said, going from really liking me and hangnig out a lot to just dropping off the face of the heart unexpecdetly, and making me feel crazy/too emotional when I tried to understand why there was such a sudden shift and all I got was a "I need space and time to figure out what I want." I knew the risk I was taking when she came back around. And maybe I shouldn't have even taken it. But when we got back together the second time, for the 7 months or so, outside of my breakdowns, things were really good and much better. She's amazing on so many levels and we clicked so well in spite of what were some obvious incompatibilities. I just know if she WANTED to work on it with me we could make this work. But she doesn't. And that's so hard to accept I think.

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