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Thread: Heartbroken and Devastated

  1. #1
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    Heartbroken and Devastated

    I could write for hours, so I'll try keep this as concise as possible. I met someone in summer of 2018. We went out for 4-5 weeks, she seemed really into me and would say things to confirm it (I really like you, very attracted to you, etc...). The feeling was palpable too. She had gotten out of a recent intense relationship, and has a history of being with guys and then pulling the plug pretty quickly from what she told me at the time. She told me she has been with "loud" guys ( I am the furtherst thing from "loud" lol), emotionally abusive guys and some others. Her friends and family have guided her in choosing partners and she was seeing a therapist with a checklist of what qualities she wanted. She told me I had so many of the qualities she was looking for. She was very closed off during our initial time together - felt very emotionally unavailable. She's been told she is not great at communicating her emotions. She's 30. After 4-5 weeks, she out of nowhere ceased her interest in me and gave me the "I'm not looking for a relationship" line. I was scrambling to figure out what the hell happened, how to fix it, etc... My efforts to fix things went nowhere, and I was trying to understand how she shifted so suddenly. She said these efforts (including texts and calls trying to understand) scared her away. Her best friend (referenced below) was convining her to stay away from me as if I exhibited some crazy behaviour, but most of the people in her life pushed her to give it another chance because my messages were sincere. Anyways, after ending things, she obviously was looking for a relationship because she met someone soon after and they were together for 5-6 weeks. But she pulled the plug (not exactly sure why). At that time, after giving up, she reached out to me in November of 2018 and wanted to date again. I was of course hesitant, but felt such a chemistry with her that I went for it. We ended up having a really good relationship from December up until July 2019 when she ended things.

    I felt we were very compatible and had a ton of chemistry and she told me she was very happy with me. But towards June/July, I was dealing with a lot emotionally: my mom got cancer, I was facing a lot of debt as a result of bad investments/habits I had in my past and some other things. I started drinking a bit too much. I'm an introspective, sensitive guy. There were times in June (maybe 3-4 days) I was really down and couldn't go to work. But bounced back. But she wasn't the same after seeing me in that state. I wasn't doing anything crazy (eg: suicide threats, lashing out at her in any way) - I was just really down. I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager and have it well under control. 95% of the time during our relationship I was rock solid. In July, we were away for 3 days to attend a wedding and I was just completely overwhelmed emotionally with what was going on, and started to feel a tremendous amount of guilt for causing pain to my mom (that's another story but I wasn't always so nice to her at times when I was younger). When we were at the wedding, I was so down I had to leave early and was crying. She was there for me. And did everything she could to support me.

    When we got back, I continued to suffer from this for a week or so, but got back on my feet. Then she ended things. She got scared by the erratic behaviour. I totally understood it. And since she left, I did everything and anything I could to get her back: I have seen therapists for years but made a concerted effort to specifically address the issues I was facing and getting tools to manage emotions better. I offered to see a therapist with her, offered for her to come see my therapist. She asked for that, but eventually wouldn't do it.

    She kept saying her head and her heart were fighting as she had such strong feelings for me but her head and gut was saying something wasn't right. We talked about the drinking and it was a non-issue after we did because I stopped drinking excessively. The main issue was she couldn't get past how distraught and sad she saw me. She said everytime she saw my face she was triggered to her memories of seeing me so down.

    I was persistent in winning her back and we saw each other in November/December, and she was moving back towards me, but after talking to her friends and family (there was one friend in particular who was cold as ice to me (first time we met, didn't say hi, wouldn't look at me) that's just her nature and I have no idea why), she started to change and become more distant. She wasn't really into it anymore, I could tell. In mid January she ended it again saying some pretty final things: I don't see a future with you, I don't think we're meant to be, breaking up is the right thing, etc...

    So it's been officially quite a while since the real breakup from last summer, but more recent since the time she really ended things in January. She started saying things that I totally didn't agree with - that we were incompatible. She thought back on the fights we had (which were pretty minor). Focused on small things like I would buy Starbucks drinks with gift cards my dad received from business he gave to me and didn't think I was taking my debt seriously. One time we were walking together in January and starting to click again and she saw this ice cold friend, and the friend said (while I was grabbing a coffee), "so what are you guys?". The doubt that was planted in my ex's mind completely changed her demeanour when I got out of the coffee place and saw her. It's clear she is heavily influenced by others. I know she came to this decision on her own, but can't help but think people weren't really rooting for me.

    I am posting here because despite all my efforts to move forward, accept the breakup and try be good to myself, I am absolutely crushed and suffering immensely. I cry every day. I beat myself up so badly for the moment of weakness I showed her. I think if only I had just not showed that vulnerable side of me, and planted this idea in her head that I would be an emotionally unstable partner, we'd be together. She saw being with me a "gamble". I reached out to wish her a happy birthday and again a week ago to try talk to her after a couple months of no contact and she said she doesn't feel comfortable being in touch anymore but still cares a lot about me.

    I've talked about this with so many people, and read so much online. And I know the only thing to do is to accept it, learn from mistakes I may have made and try to become more emotionally stable (even though honestly 90-95% of the time I was totally fine) and forget about her. But I just can't. And I can't stop crying and feeling like I lost an amazing opportunity. I just turned 33 and everyone in my circle my age is settled down with kids and married and I feel so behind. I made some really bad decisions when I was younger in terms of addictions and I was very depressed, but got it under control by the time I was in my late twenties. It's so hard to find someone you connect with physically, emotionally, etc... and that is in your same ethnicity/religion (which is important to me).

    I just continue to not be able to move forward and focus on taking care of myself. I feel like unless and until I get her back, I can't move forward. And I'm not an idiot to think I should wait and hope or her to come back. I just think her assessment of our relationship was totally wrong. We weren't incompatible at all and I wasn't too sensitive or not "positive" enough. She just saw me in a fragile state and got scared and I did everything to work on that an assure her I'd get a better handle on it. And by the way, when I say I was emotionally unstable, I was simply just really sad and crying and upset with certain things in my life. I didn't do anything crazy to indicate to her that I was a serious mental health issue. But I am very sensitive, am an empath and so feel things. So like when her BEST friend was cold to me, and told her the first time we dated to leave me (I have no idea why), it bothered me. If my best friend was so cold to my ex, I'd be mad at my friend! Wouldn't it bother you?

    And the self flagellation is just killing me. And I just can't stop thinking about her and wanting her and I can't have her. And she's on dating sites looking for others and I'm sure she's moved on. She's very pretty and lovely and kind and I know she will find someone and wants to settle down, and it won't be with me. And it is destroying me. I feel like I had a winning lottery ticket after years of suffering through my own s*** and BOOM I feel responsible for blowing it but also just can't accept her decision. As much as I try to. I know the standard advice - time heals all wounds, time to move on. But it just doesn't help me. I want her and only her. And I can't have her.

    I thought I'd post here to get some support and love. I want her back so badly. And there's nothing I can do, is there? Will she ever change her mind?

  2. #2
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    Oh and she said relationships shouldn't be so turbulent that early on. I recognize my two "breakdowns" caused her to feel it was turbulent. But she refused to want to work with me on it by seeing my therapist or seeing a couple's therapist. She's convinced relationships in their first year at least should be more free and easy and not have any issues. Which is another reason I beat myself up because if I just had more control of myself at the time and wasn't trigerred by the things going on in my life, I'd still have her. Maybe she never felt as strongly about me as I did about her. Because some people say she would have stayed by my side (assuming I was addressing the issues).

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Make sure you are getting regular care from your doctor and your therapist. Don't deal with women like this.
    Originally Posted by rayj83
    I recognize my two "breakdowns" caused her to feel it was turbulent. But she refused to want to work with me on it by seeing my therapist

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Make sure you are getting regular care from your doctor and your therapist. Don't deal with women like this.
    I am. I do a lot of work on myself. When you say don't deal with women like this, can you explain in a bit more detail?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    This relationship was unstable from the get go. You describe so many red flags in your first paragraph, yet you chose to continue. Even after she broke up with you, you still chose to go back.

    Your episode had little to do with why the relationship would never work. That's just the excuse she's using.

    The relationship won't work because none of her relationships work. She will not allow them to. Not ever.

    Please contact your doctor and ask for treatment for your severe depression and negative self image.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So very sorry to hear about all this. Your pain and hurt jump off the page, and for that I wish I had something more than an internet hug to offer. Yet here we are in the land of pixels, so: internet hugs.

    The thing that jumped out at me in all your above words? That you seem to be punishing yourself and blaming yourself when, right at the beginning, she kind of spelled it all out for you. Was just out of a relationship. Was closed off around you, and self-identified as "emotionally unavailable." Described herself as someone quick to pull the plug, and then she put her money where her mouth was and did just that after a few short weeks.

    In your shoes right now, although I know this isn't want you want to hear, I'd look at why all that sounded worth investing in. Would you, for example, buy a car from me if I told you up front it only works for a month and stalls out on highways? If I offered you hiking boots with no soles would you try to scale a mountain in them? Feelings are more complicated, of course, and chemistry is chemistry, but still: this was kind of that, no?

    There's a great lesson here, if you're willing to process it, which is that the foundation of things is really critical. It's what we reward, and try to build atop, and in this case you rewarded a woman's "unavailability" with your interest and affection. Give that some thought and ask yourself: why? Why the desire to be in a relationship with someone who is blatantly telling you, and showing you, that she is incapable of a relationship? If you can focus on that, instead of her as the great mystery and source of meaning, I think you'll find yourself thinking of this whole chapter in much different way.

    For starters, I think you may come to understand compatibility differently. Because, best I can see, that is one place here where this wishy-washy and emotionally unstable woman is spot on. If you two were compatible? Well, that's pretty simple. You meet, get along, want roughly the same stuff, and then you just go and do all that, together. No drama, no tension, no "fixing." Some miscommunication here, some arguments there, but those are the exceptions, not the rule. Just forward movement: a car that works when you turn the key, rather than one that just looks good in the driveway and makes you dream of road trips once it actually runs.

    It seems that that is what you want, but mentally you've assigned all that to her. Yet she was never that, not close. It's okay. Always a risk, and sometimes we have to touch the burner a few times to understand the difference between being warm and being scalded. Someone who comes out of the gates as she did? She basically told you she was going to burn you, because she burns through people. That is her, not you. The thing to get intimate with is why that appealed, so you can get your inner compass pointing toward a different kind of connection.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    So very sorry to hear about all this. Your pain and hurt jump off the page, and for that I wish I had something more than an internet hug to offer. Yet here we are in the land of pixels, so: internet hugs.

    The thing that jumped out at me in all your above words? That you seem to be punishing yourself and blaming yourself when, right at the beginning, she kind of spelled it all out for you. Was just out of a relationship. Was closed off around you, and self-identified as "emotionally unavailable." Described herself as someone quick to pull the plug, and then she put her money where her mouth was and did just that after a few short weeks.

    In your shoes right now, although I know this isn't want you want to hear, I'd look at why all that sounded worth investing in. Would you, for example, buy a car from me if I told you up front it only works for a month and stalls out on highways? If I offered you hiking boots with no soles would you try to scale a mountain in them? Feelings are more complicated, of course, and chemistry is chemistry, but still: this was kind of that, no? The second time, she was a lot different in the sense she was more emotionally unavailable. I knew the risk I was taking by jumping into it, but did any way because I felt strongly about her and saw it going somewhere.

    There's a great lesson here, if you're willing to process it, which is that the foundation of things is really critical. It's what we reward, and try to build atop, and in this case you rewarded a woman's "unavailability" with your interest and affection. Give that some thought and ask yourself: why? Why the desire to be in a relationship with someone who is blatantly telling you, and showing you, that she is incapable of a relationship? Because while she was saying that the first time around, when came back to me and we actually had a pretty significant relationship, she was different and did feel more emotionally available. Still wasn't very good at all about communicating how she was feeling and all, but I wasn't going back into it without at least some certainty that this would be different and it did feel different and worth taking the risk. If you can focus on that, instead of her as the great mystery and source of meaning, I think you'll find yourself thinking of this whole chapter in much different way.

    For starters, I think you may come to understand compatibility differently. Because, best I can see, that is one place here where this wishy-washy and emotionally unstable woman is spot on. If you two were compatible? Well, that's pretty simple. You meet, get along, want roughly the same stuff, and then you just go and do all that, together. No drama, no tension, no "fixing." Some miscommunication here, some arguments there, but those are the exceptions, not the rule. Just forward movement: a car that works when you turn the key, rather than one that just looks good in the driveway and makes you dream of road trips once it actually runs. To be honest though, we had the same values. We had fun, we were compatible. There wasn't any drama with some exceptions that I mentioned above, and of course the fall out of her not wanting to be with me when I had my "breakdowns". There weren't a lot of arguments at all. It's just that she couldn't get over how she saw me, at least that's what she said, and in the end only started on the incompatibility thing but only because she thought I was too "sensitive". We are not incompatible.

    It seems that that is what you want, but mentally you've assigned all that to her. Yet she was never that, not close. It's okay. Always a risk, and sometimes we have to touch the burner a few times to understand the difference between being warm and being scalded. Someone who comes out of the gates as she did? She basically told you she was going to burn you, because she burns through people. That is her, not you. The thing to get intimate with is why that appealed, so you can get your inner compass pointing toward a different kind of connection.

    Thanks so much for your post. I wanted to just address a couple of your points. I put them in bold above.
    Last edited by rayj83; 04-14-2020 at 03:43 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Regarding your second bold point: "We are not incompatible."

    I'll put this in personal terms, to try to make a point. I'm in a relationship, we live together. I could list ways I think we're compatible, and of course I have faith that those ways don't just exist in my head, but are real, shared between us, the fuel of our little engine. However, if in an hour my girlfriend emerges from her office and asks that I leave, because she no longer wants to be with me? If I plead a bit and she responds with: sorry, but no. Well, that right there would mean we weren't compatible. End stop. It would reduce all those other things—hobbies, values, etc.—to garnishes, unfulfilled hopes, ideas to mourn.

    You took a risk—per your earlier bold point—in giving it another go. No shame there. A lot of life is risks, and all relationships are a risk. It's kind of on us to assess the risk at the outset, just as it's on us to be able to declare when the risk has not paid off or panned out. This didn't. It never really got going: five weeks here, six months there, falling apart as it was coming together. All that, right there, should send a major signal to your brain that goes: INCOMPATIBLE. Not a verdict, just a fact, since compatibility would look and feel completely different.

    All this spinning and anguish? I think it's you trying to dodge the hardest fact here, the saddest facts. But stare them down—you can—and you'll find yourself moving forward rather than spinning around.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It does sound like loads of incompatibilities. The main one being that you are (as you said) more sensitive, an empath, etc, and she is not wanting a man like that.

    She described the men she dated previous to you, as loud. Men like that are normally very 'in your face', they don't show a whole lot of emotions and deal with things on their own.
    You are the opposite of that, by the sounds of it.
    Although she indicated that she wanted someone different, her actions prove that she doesn't.

    Yes, you need to get more of a handle on the drinking and the break downs (however minor) and she was correct in that the first year should be smooth sailing.
    If it's already rough or drama or upset, then it's a good indication that this isn't a good relationship.
    You two do not work well together.

    I realize you are broken up about this being a failure in life, but sometimes things don't work, no matter how much you want it to, no matter how desperately you feel they should.
    The fact that you wrote this post should show you that you're still not dealing with your emotions as well as you could be and you're not having any kind of acceptance.
    Did you like her a great deal? Yes. Was it good for both of you? No. There has to be acceptance with that.

    And lastly, you have to find ways to stop beating yourself up. Taking everything personally all the time, is not helping you or your self esteem/self confidence.
    Other people have their own agendas, their own thoughts and their own reasons for what they do. It doesn't mean it always comes down to the fact that they don't like you or that it's all your fault.
    You understand the issues you face and you know the type of personality you have. You need to start accepting those things too and not seeing it as hateful things.
    And to be honest, the less you hate yourself, the better you will feel and grow. The better you will be able to interact with others too.

    There is a woman out there that will be compatible with all that you are, and will love and accept you completely. The hard part is finding her and it can be very difficult. Many people in this world struggle to find "the one".
    So just because you haven't found her yet, doesn't mean she doesn't exist.

    I really hope you can work on all the issues above. All of us are works in progress, not just you. Take it one day at a time and be kinder to yourself. Focus on healing and growing. For your own good, not for anyone else's.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Lovely post, Sherry. Hope you read it a few dozen times, ray.

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