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Thread: How to get back in touch considering I'm blocked everywhere.

  1. #1
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    How to get back in touch considering I'm blocked everywhere.

    We have not spoken in over a decade. She has very little social media, pretty sure most of them are just dead accounts. Pretty sure, she's not married, and no kids.

    Basically, at the end of things I really screwed it up by acting clingy and needy. We broke up in high school, and went through an awkward on again / off again relationship in college. We had a fight with a tinge of never speak to me again, and I started sending novels in text about every regret ever between us. After that I maybe sent a text every couple of days to see if she was still angry with me. After leaving her alone for a long period of time she texted me. (six months) Went right back into the dynamic with me declaring feelings after the meeting.

    She's an avoidant and I'm an anxious type; so, we essentially got stuck in a pursuit / flee dynamic. A couple of times we were definitely close to becoming an official couple again.

    Since then I've gone through some serious therapy. I came out with greater awareness of mine and our issues. All we need to do is actually speak to each other, lay everything out, and just go from there. I feel like we'd still be together if we sought couple's counseling.

    I could try getting around her block by making fake accounts. But, that's not going to work and it disrespects her anyways.

    High school reunion seems like the best option. However, she quickly dropped most from high school. Don't know if she'll attend.

    What is my best option for reconnecting?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The question I can't help but ask is: Why the sudden, burning need to reconnect after a decade?

    Most of us have a relationship from our youth—or two, or three—that went sideways a few different ways, and where we acted a bit foolish in trying to patch it all back together, got frisky in the gray zone, never quite achieved anything close to functionality. Curious why you feel you need to address this one, right now, especially considering your history was pretty fraught.

    A lot of therapy is about learning to let go of the past, so we can take the lessons learned and apply them to the future: mistakes with old people lead to better connections with new people, and so on. This sounds a bit like you're wanting to validate your therapy and growth through her, a woman you haven't spoken to in so long that she's far more of an idea in your head (the "avoidant" diagnosis, etc.) than a person.

    That said, it's generally pretty easy to find people. Google around, hit up some old high school friends over Facebook, give her parents a ring. Pretty doable. Question I'd still be focusing on is why do you feel this what you're supposed to be doing right now?

  3. #3
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    I've always wanted to get back together. She's my type, which is extremely rare. I basically wanted a career with her, and the first serious relationship I had matched all of the check boxes I wanted in a long term relationship. During, those ten years I mourned the relationship and turned other relationships down. They just don't have the same feel, finding a replacement would work, but we're back at finding a relatively rare person. (might just be the fact they're introverted shutins)

    I'm pretty sure she has BPD and an avoidant attachment style. That's from knowing her over the years, and meeting others that remind me of her.

    I've got stuff to work on for grad school that takes precedent. This is just one of those relationships that sticks with you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree with Bluecastle, therapy is meant to be so that you can move on and learn why she ran the other way.
    You're still caught up in the fantasy that she's "the one". You might feel that way, but she doesn't.
    Getting in contact now, will be creepy and again stalkerish.
    As a woman, I can tell you this would not be welcomed whatsoever.
    If she decides to contact you or look for you, then you might have a chance
    If that doesn't happen then it's going right back to the same pattern, you chasing.
    Let it go already.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    I've had a few relationships that have stuck with me—with those early, formative ones producing some notably deep and sticky thorns—as I think most of us have had. Just think it's worth being able to recognize that a lot of who she is in your mind right now, and even what you guys shared many moons ago, is just that: your imagination spinning a story. Can't help but feel that somewhere in there is a kind of story of atonement, as in you feeling you could right past wrongs, or fill in the missing page of your story, if you could make this work. Or something.

    Other thing to consider? If she has you blocked everywhere—well, that is often regarded as a sign that she does not share your feelings or your desire to reconnect, much the way I lock my doors at night to keep out strangers. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill, just trying to be a bit realistic. Her story about you may be very different than your story about her, and her story about who she is today may not be that of someone who wants to explore anything with someone from her high school years. Have you considered that? Have you considered that she does not consider herself BPD or "avoidant," and might not want to be around people who diagnosis her from afar as such?

    I'm putting it in these terms—in terms of stories—because you're kind of talking about her as a character in a self-generated narrative more than a person out in the world who really has very little to do with your life. This is understandable, as our relationships always settle in our minds as stories; it's how we process them, come to peace with them, so we can reenter the present tense in which our lives are always unfolding. But connecting or reconnecting? That is a different business, one that requires two willing participants to see about writing a story together.

    Why do you think she has you blocked? And if she has you blocked, why do you think this is the moment to reconnect?

    I realize these are unlikely the kinds of words you want to hear right now. I'm a romantic, and a risk taker, and while my own exes have stayed in the past—or, in one case, evolved into a lifelong friendship—I have friends who have reconnected, one at my urging. Like you, he had a little itch that the timing might be right for them, and rolled those dice. But while they are married today with two children, I can assure you that he was not staking his life on that prospect when he reached back out. He was just seeing about a woman he once knew, and was curious to get to know again. I'm just not quite sure you're in that kind of headspace about her, so much as still spinning around, a bit, in a mental loop she triggered long ago.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm going to take a wild guess here BC and say that your friend who reconnected with an ex, did not have it where the ex basically told him to leave her alone and blocked him to try to get away from him?

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    Originally Posted by Grimlockkk
    I've always wanted to get back together. She's my type, which is extremely rare. I basically wanted a career with her, and the first serious relationship I had matched all of the check boxes I wanted in a long term relationship. During, those ten years I mourned the relationship and turned other relationships down. They just don't have the same feel, finding a replacement would work, but we're back at finding a relatively rare person. (might just be the fact they're introverted shutins)

    I'm pretty sure she has BPD and an avoidant attachment style. That's from knowing her over the years, and meeting others that remind me of her.

    I've got stuff to work on for grad school that takes precedent. This is just one of those relationships that sticks with you.
    She is now a grown woman and not the girl you knew. Do NOT contact her for any reason. And do not diangose her! She doesn't have an "avoidant disorder". Its common for people to label anyone not interested in them as "avoidant". She may have just wanted to give you the brush off and you didn't get the hint. She likely has found her voice now, is possibly married with a child - or even if not - does not want to hear from you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Grimlockkk
    We have not spoken in over a decade. She has very little social media, pretty sure most of them are just dead accounts. Pretty sure, she's not married, and no kids.

    Basically, at the end of things I really screwed it up by acting clingy and needy. We broke up in high school, and went through an awkward on again / off again relationship in college. We had a fight with a tinge of never speak to me again, and I started sending novels in text about every regret ever between us. After that I maybe sent a text every couple of days to see if she was still angry with me. After leaving her alone for a long period of time she texted me. (six months) Went right back into the dynamic with me declaring feelings after the meeting.

    She's an avoidant and I'm an anxious type; so, we essentially got stuck in a pursuit / flee dynamic. A couple of times we were definitely close to becoming an official couple again.

    Since then I've gone through some serious therapy. I came out with greater awareness of mine and our issues. All we need to do is actually speak to each other, lay everything out, and just go from there. I feel like we'd still be together if we sought couple's counseling.

    I could try getting around her block by making fake accounts. But, that's not going to work and it disrespects her anyways.

    High school reunion seems like the best option. However, she quickly dropped most from high school. Don't know if she'll attend.

    What is my best option for reconnecting?
    A lot of what I read, seemed to be the narrative from your perspective, without a lot insight into what her perspective is.

    10 years has changed you both, in ways that you could never know or guess. You have zero insight into anything about her or her life.

    You said:
    "All we need to do is actually speak to each other, lay everything out, and just go from there. "

    This stuck out to me, as something you have worked out as a natural conclusion to your own perspective. But you have no idea what she actually needs or what is happening in her life. There is no "we" in present tense.

    And just because she is not married, it doesn't mean she is open to hearing from you. Its a giant leap from not married, to wanting to hear from a guy from high school.

    I can honestly tell you, anyone from high school I want to be in contact with, I am in contact with. And I think most people, living in this world of social media, have similiar outlooks.

    Your best option is to keep moving forward with your own life. Stop telling yourself your type is extremely rare. That is not only BS, its a self fulfilling prophecy.... the world is full of people. Don't limit yourself to just one.

  10. #9
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    She has blocked you from social media because she does no want you in her life. Please respect that. Harsh for you to grasp, even after what you call serious therapy. Move on, don't contact her ever again.

    Explore in therapy why you are obsessing about her now all these years later. It is not healthy. It does her no favors, nor yourself.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    She is now a grown woman and not the girl you knew. Do NOT contact her for any reason. And do not diangose her! She doesn't have an "avoidant disorder". Its common for people to label anyone not interested in them as "avoidant". She may have just wanted to give you the brush off and you didn't get the hint. She likely has found her voice now, is possibly married with a child - or even if not - does not want to hear from you.
    She's definitely an avoidant. She had a pattern of engaging in avoidant behavior, and we'd fight about the fact she withdraws suddenly, and uses indirect communication techniques. It also comes down to me definitely being anxious and always wanting to process issues. It's a paradox, where the anxious partner has the keys to fix the relationship issue, but the avoidant won't accept there's a problem; till, the anxious partner drags them to therapy. She was also rather dismissive. We just did not have all the communication tools to address the issues.

    The BPD thing comes down to her having a history of friendship / relationship implosion. Plus I had to witness some sudden mood shifts, like from manic adoration to throwing a tantrum over not being into a band she liked. Lots of stuff like this with extremes of hot and cold towards me.

    I do not believe she has an official diagnosis of BPD. I'm just saying something along the lines of BPD fits the behaviors I experienced. Just rapid cycles of idealization and devaluation, which are extremely frustrating.

    Both of them also make sense with her history. Early life trauma from losing a parent, and her having a strained relationship with her dad.

    Well, she blocked me as I contacted her on Facebook ten years ago, after she stopped speaking to me. I wrote, "I can fix this." I just got back there's "nothing to fix." Sent her another message and she just blocked me. (I spent time in very intensive therapy for months) I wanted to explain a whole bunch I had learned about myself from attending therapy. (I still saw myself at fault for everything that went bad) Now, I'm left here holding the bag knowing things could have worked out, but it required skill sets neither of us had. She gave out the silent treatment fairly regularly, and even used it to make me think I was at fault.

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