Writing a letter to ex from 2+ years ago

Hi all,

In short - I had a relationship with a girl that ended 2.5 years ago. We had a good thing going on, but I guess we weren't ready for a long term commitment (or at least I wasn't) and it wasn't the right time for us to be together due to different circumstances. I ended up breaking up with her which seemed like the right thing to do, but now 2+ years later I've been thinking about her non stop and missing her like crazy for the past 2 months. I think I'm in a better headspace now and I really wonder if we were just the right people who met at the wrong time.

She has since found a new boyfriend. She mentioned that last week after I texted her how she was and if she was open for a phone call. She wanted to talk but it was difficult since she and her partner are living together due to the whole COVID-19 situation and said she'll try some time in the weekend if she went for a walk.

Now, I don't want to get in between her and her boyfriend. But I also don't know if she's happy in her current relationship and I don't want to forever regret not trying to pursue this however selfish that might be.

I was thinking to write her a letter (email) and tell her what's on my mind but I don't really know how to approach this.

What's the smart thing to do here?

Thanks

Depends on how you broke up. Was it amicable or horrible?

As a default, I'd probably start small and gauge their reaction before deciding to dive deeper.

You said you're curious about her relationship. Maybe start off with a small indirect question like "how have you been managing with covid?"

Look I actually think you are being a bit selfish. She's with someone else now so yes it is wrong to try to hit on her and jeopardize her relationship. Also why do you think you hadn't thought about her in 2.5 years, but now you are? I would guess it's because you're locked in quarantine due to coronavirus and you're lonely. I was thinking about my ex a lot too, much more than usual. I mean if you hadn't thought about this girl in 2.5 years then I'd say you weren't actually all that crazy about her. And you wouldn't have broken up with her either if she was really special to you.

She has a boyfriend. That makes it the wrong time. At best, you would end up with a cheater. No healthy relationship can be built on someone else's misery. You sound very selfish and imo that makes you not ready for a healthy relationship with her. The smart thing to do would be to acknowledge that once again it is the wrong time and move on.

Thanks for the replies.

Let me clear up that I do not condone cheating and I don't suggest or expect her to, plus she's not the type to. The only message I wanted to convey is that if she's not entirely happy and if her relationship would come to an end, that I would love to have another shot with her. But I guess there isn't an easy way to do that without coming between her and her partner.

I'm sure the whole COVID situation has amplified my feelings for her, but ever since I got back into the country in December it has been playing with my thoughts so I would say it's just bad timing.

Sounds to me like she chose to live with her boyfriend during covid and therefore happy.

If she can’t converse with you in his presence then doing so while away from him would be emotional cheating imo.

If it was bad timing 2 years ago then it is certainly bad timing now.

There are better ways to deal with loneliness than reaching out to an ex of over 2 years ago.

I would strongly recommend against contacting her again.

Nope, don't do it, OP.

If she wants to talk to you, you will hear from her. She'll find the time if she's interested in what you have to say. If she doesn't, then you have your answer. No need to pour your heart out in a letter at this time.

You can't send the message you want to send without coming between them so don't send it. Very selfish.

If you are already in platonic contact then keep it that way and put your life on hold for her on the chance she may break up with him down the line or look for a fresh love with someone new.

Thanks for the feedback and for the sanity check, that's why I'm here. It's a challenging time but I'll wait for her to reach out and if not I will have peace with that as well

Thanks for the feedback and for the sanity check, that's why I'm here. It's a challenging time but I'll wait for her to reach out and if not I will have peace with that as well

It’s a challenging time for everyone.

I’ve had exes crawl out of the woodwork during this time. So have my friends.

And all I think about them is negative.

Haven’t heard from them ever until they feel sorry for themselves in isolation.

It’s such a selfish act. It does not come from a place of caring, sorry.

If you have self reflected and feel genuine about this person , you will ONLY contact her after you are free to go about normal life again.

I’d love to get an update then!!

What happened 2 mos ago for you? Leave her alone. She clearly does not want contact and is with someone.

She may show anything you send to her partner or friends and family and they may advise her to get a restraining order.

Stop and reflect what it is in your own life that is causing this nostalgia and regret. .

I've been thinking about her non stop and missing her like crazy for the past 2 months

 

she and her partner are living together

How selfish and inappropriate. She has a bf and is living with him.

How would you feel is someone contacted someone you were dating in this manner?

I too think you are selfish. Leave her alone, she knows how to find you if she wants to.

For me, it would be less about being selfish, and more about being practical. There is no room in my life for anyone who would be disloyal. So it would make no sense if I hoped for a future with someone to set them up to demonstrate disloyalty toward their partner.

Even if I'd 'win' in that case, I'd lose, because I couldn't unsee the capacity for deception. So I'd have promoted myself from someone this person could be disloyal 'with' to the one who this person would someday become disloyal 'to'.

That would certainly kill the buzz for me.

I'd let this go. She knows you'd like to speak with her, so I'd trust that if she's ever positioned well for that, she'll reach out on her own. Otherwise, your influence can only start a tightrope walk where the future potential for any degree of trust is lost for good.

Look I actually think you are being a bit selfish. She's with someone else now so yes it is wrong to try to hit on her and jeopardize her relationship. Also why do you think you hadn't thought about her in 2.5 years, but now you are? I would guess it's because you're locked in quarantine due to coronavirus and you're lonely. I was thinking about my ex a lot too, much more than usual. I mean if you hadn't thought about this girl in 2.5 years then I'd say you weren't actually all that crazy about her. And you wouldn't have broken up with her either if she was really special to you.

I agree you are selfish/thinking only of yourself. Your action in getting in touch is already causing a negative reaction...she's talking about seeing you behind her BF's back.

The mom talk: Would you like it if some guy pulled your GF away because he was thinking of her??? And hoping things were bad in your relaitonship? Just stop it now. Have some morals for crying out loud. You need to back off before you ruin people's lives.

Didn't you only date her for a couple of months?

No man look after yourself, she has someone in her life let her be.

You feel lonely, get that, just focus on yourself, am alone in my home and seriously there are so many better things to do instead of thinking about exs.

We all have our bad days but dont look back march ahead.

Strict no contact!

Geez you guys, give this man a break with the whole “you are selfish” routine.

He was thinking about an ex and reached out, nothing wrong with that. She is with someone else but dropped a breadcrumb and it made him start thinking about things. He came here looking for perspective and clearly said he’s gonna pass on contacting her yet he’s getting scolded?

He seems to me like a respectful, even-keeled person.

Geez you guys, give this man a break with the whole “you are selfish” routine.

 

He was thinking about an ex and reached out, nothing wrong with that. She is with someone else but dropped a breadcrumb and it made him start thinking about things. He came here looking for perspective and clearly said he’s gonna pass on contacting her yet he’s getting scolded?

 

He seems to me like a respectful, even-keeled person.

Well thing is it's one thing just to think about an ex. We're allowed to think what we want in our mind. But actually writing the letter professing feelings and saying thinks like: "If you're not happy in your relationship, etc." For one thing it's even rude. Because he hasn't seen her for 2.5 years and hadn't spoken to her at all. So commenting on the relationship and saying if she's not happy is out of line. He really has no idea what her relationship is like. Or even what her life is like after so long.

I do find it suss though that HE ended it, then never contacted her again for 2.5 years. To me that seems like he wasn't actually that into her. If you love someone you wouldn't break up. And even if you ended it, you'd be missing them and thinking about them straight away. I honestly think you're only thinking about this girl because you're lonely.

The quarantine and all the stress of coronavirus definitely brings this out. Especially if you're single and live alone like me, and I'm guessing OP as well. It's a very difficult and lonely time. I've been thinking about my ex's too.

OP, why don't you go on online dating or attend some virtual Meetup events (they're all online now)? If you want to meet a woman why don't you put yourself out there and find a woman who's actually single? And even if you don't find anyone, at least you can chat to people and take your mind off your ex. Good luck :)

Thanks for the feedback and for the sanity check, that's why I'm here. It's a challenging time but I'll wait for her to reach out and if not I will have peace with that as well

As best as I can interpret, he has not and is not planning to write the letter.

Ouch, these are some pretty harsh comments - I didn't realize how selfish it sounded.

Just to clarify, as said in my previous comment I have already decided to not get in contact with her in any way until she reaches out.

Some background information in case anyone is interested, because I see some false assumptions being made here:

We were together for about 2 years (not 2 months). I broke up with her because I was moving away and I had some daemons to battle on my own before I could truly give myself wholeheartedly.

We've kept in touch occasionally every 6 months or so and our split up was amicably.

The point I wanted to make with her was to tell her that I'm still interested if anything would happen. Not to barge in and express my feelings trying to get her back and get between her and her boyfriend. I also realized that that isn't possible, that's why I came in here for help.

Ouch, these are some pretty harsh comments - I didn't realize how selfish it sounded.

 

Just to clarify, as said in my previous comment I have already decided to not get in contact with her in any way until she reaches out.

 

Some background information in case anyone is interested, because I see some false assumptions being made here:

We were together for about 2 years (not 2 months). I broke up with her because I was moving away and I had some daemons to battle on my own before I could truly give myself wholeheartedly.

We've kept in touch occasionally every 6 months or so and our split up was amicably.

 

The point I wanted to make with her was to tell her that I'm still interested if anything would happen. Not to barge in and express my feelings trying to get her back and get between her and her boyfriend. I also realized that that isn't possible, that's why I came in here for help.

OK, I thought you were talking about this woman:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553768

I didn't realize that was a different woman.

OK, I thought you were talking about this woman:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553768

 

I didn't realize that was a different woman.

That was a girl I met shortly after, not the same one

Just leave her be.

How many times does the guy have to say he is going to leave her alone before people leave him alone? 😂