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Thread: Update He's ignoring me

  1. #1
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    Update He's ignoring me

    So for those who read my previous post (He's ignoring me), here's an update.

    So most people agreed I should let it go and move on. So instead of heeding everyone's advice, I did the complete opposite (I know, don't kill me guys😅). I sent him a bottle of his favorite drink with a little note saying I'm sorry for my behavior and would like to continue to be in contact. He mentioned before that it was really hard to find it over here. Yeah, I know crazy idea.. this could go two ways. He either thinks I'm a crazy stalker or maybe he sees it as a nice gesture. So it was the latter, he reached out to me thanking me for the bottle and saying that it really was not necessary. So I replied and then he didn't respond back for a day. So I'm like, here we go again! And decided I was not going to bother with him anymore. But then he replied saying he promises that he's not ignoring me, but that it has been really hectic at work due to corona. And he's been sending me proof of what he's been doing etc. So yeah.. we've been talking again. I'm just going to see where it goes and take a calmer approach 🤷

    Side note: It's been 4 dates in total not 2 and we started talking in January.

  2. #2
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    If you need "proof" of what he is doing then it's easy -he's the wrong person for you. And you're lucky IMO to know that now. I'd stop chasing him and accept that he is happy to text with you when it's convenient for him. But he's not "that" into you -so please stop investing emotionally in him.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    If you need "proof" of what he is doing then it's easy -he's the wrong person for you. And you're lucky IMO to know that now. I'd stop chasing him and accept that he is happy to text with you when it's convenient for him. But he's not "that" into you -so please stop investing emotionally in him.
    Maybe I said that wrong, I didn't ask for any proof nor was he really sending proof. He was just showing me what he's been up to. But yeah.. food for thought.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    It's a tough pill to swallow, but if he's interested, he knows where to find you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Cool. Let it play out without more gestures to control the outcome. He now knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are very into him and very much hoping your freakout didn't freak him out. Time will provide you the answer, if you can let time do its thing.

    Just be realistic, both in terms with someone you've only gone on four dates with, and a backdrop of surreal upheaval and psychic distress. While I can certainly understand the desire to connect during this time, along with the escapist buzz of early romance to stave off the buzz kill of reality, it all makes watering the seeds of anything authentic a very real challenge.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by bloempj
    Maybe I said that wrong, I didn't ask for any proof nor was he really sending proof. He was just showing me what he's been up to. But yeah.. food for thought.
    Yes but you need to see it as "proof" if you thought he was interested in dating you you wouldn't need that sort of "proof" -and believe me -if he is texting you there is no proof -he could be anywhere, doing anything with anyone. I met my husband in 1994. We've been together a total of 16 years. Never once did I need any sort of proof for myself that he was where he said he was or with who he said he was with or doing what he said he was doing. He lied to me once in a huge way -so that he could throw me a surprise 30th bday party at a hotel and make sure I got there without ruining the surprise. I lied to him for the same reason for his surprise parties.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    He now knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are very into him and very much hoping your freakout didn't freak him out.
    This^

    Right now there seems to be a giant disparity in your levels of interest.

    Him:
    1. Identifies dealbreaker walks away

    You:
    1. Freaked out creating dealbreaker. Already showing a ton of interest and willingness to put his approval of you above your own approval of yourself

    2. Chases him to point he ignores ypu

    3. Takes being ignore to an even higher level of pursuit by a grand gesture of buying & sending a gift

    its very difficult for relationships to thrive in a healthy way when the interest level is skewed. Respect may not be equal, because frankly, one person (you) proved you're willing to give more to keep things going.

    You may have set a dynamic where he thinks you don't have a lot of options and therefore do this with all guys-- rather, any guy, that shows any interest.

    Here is my theory for the most common thing a lot of women don't realize about men. Granted this is a generalization and it does not apply to all men. But humour me folks...

    A man thinks what a woman does for him, she does with all guys. If you sleep with him early on, you must sleep with all men early on.

    Its funny because women are the opposite! We slept with him because we really liked him and saw it going somewhere in our minds. We think he treats us better than he does anyone else... We're shocked when we see our ex posting with his new girl something that was "our thing".

    But I digress...

    Texts are really the bare min of effort. You'll know you're in real trouble, when its the classic booty call text, "u up?"

    You're really in a tough spot here, because with the pandemic its hard to do more than call & text. And your make up gift may have made you prime choice for "back burner when I need her" status to him.

    I don't know how you flip that power dynamic. I mean to say, being pissed he ignored you was the right response, as while you were wrong, he didnt care... he walked.

    I wonder do any of the men of ENA have advice on how to get this back into balance?

    You cant say anything or bring it up because that will just make you crazy girl. And you can't be just good time girl because, then you will just become booty call girl...

    I'd back way off, let him come to you and then be busy sometimes, which again is hard in these times... Good luck.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    he's giving you breadcrumbs....

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Compelling analysis, Lambert.

    I can't say I fully agree with the assessment of men vs women, as laid out (pun intended). I'll speak for myself, one man, not all. When I sleep with a woman, be it after one date or many months? I don't really think anything about her, in terms of how she behaves with other men or that her choice to sleep with me is loaded with meaning. I'm thinking, roughly, that she seems cool and compelling, that I feel comfortable enough to be physically intimate—and, hey, it seems her thoughts about me are kind of the same. Great! As for where I see that all going? That will likely depend more on my headspace in life—am I seeking a relationship, or not?—than anything to do with the woman or what happened between the sheets.

    Pulling that digression back to another...

    If I was this guy? My drama antenna would be flickering. Not good. In a short span of time he was naked with her, then accused of being a player, then broken up with, then apologized to and asked if the breakup could be falsified. If I had been interested in exploring a serous relationship? All that would give me pause. If I was a "player" interested in casual fun? Well, ditto, since I'd know that I was dealing with someone for whom casual is, at best, an illusion. Total Catch-22. If I retained interest in either of those pursuits? What I would be most interested in—far more than a bottle of nice liquor, much as I enjoy those—would be determining if things could just chill, a bit.

    So how to flip the "power dynamic"? You just chill. No more grand gestures, be they kind or corrosive. You be cool, for real, rather than playing cool. You keep the universal human anxiety of all this—felt by us men at the same octaves as women—in the can, and remember that you hardly know this person, are totally fine if it doesn't go anywhere, and you lean on that (along with a glass of wine, Zoom chats with girlfriends, chocolate, crunches, meditations, whatever) for stability in the rocky waters of dating. You see if things level off, if interest is shown, if the record scratch becomes a waltz again. If so, great. If not, great.

    All of which might be hard here. It's hard, alas, to recover from early record scratches, just like it's hard to have a great vacation if you get sick on day 2 of 5, even if it's a passing bug. It's hard to date during a global pandemic. So, hurdles. But, hey, humans are wild and always surprising. So: inhale, exhale, let time do it's thing. The person with the most "power," after all, is the one who can submit to time rather than trying to bend time to suit his or her own story or soothe their own edginess.

    My too many cents in strange times.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Compelling analysis, Lambert.

    I can't say I fully agree with the assessment of men vs women, as laid out (pun intended). I'll speak for myself, one man, not all. When I sleep with a woman, be it after one date or many months? I don't really think anything about her, in terms of how she behaves with other men or that her choice to sleep with me is loaded with meaning. I'm thinking, roughly, that she seems cool and compelling, that I feel comfortable enough to be physically intimate—and, hey, it seems her thoughts about me are kind of the same. Great! As for where I see that all going? That will likely depend more on my headspace in life—am I seeking a relationship, or not?—than anything to do with the woman or what happened between the sheets.

    Pulling that digression back to another...

    If I was this guy? My drama antenna would be flickering. Not good. In a short span of time he was naked with her, then accused of being a player, then broken up with, then apologized to and asked if the breakup could be falsified. If I had been interested in exploring a serous relationship? All that would give me pause. If I was a "player" interested in casual fun? Well, ditto, since I'd know that I was dealing with someone for whom casual is, at best, an illusion. Total Catch-22. If I retained interest in either of those pursuits? What I would be most interested in—far more than a bottle of nice liquor, much as I enjoy those—would be determining if things could just chill, a bit.

    So how to flip the "power dynamic"? You just chill. No more grand gestures, be they kind or corrosive. You be cool, for real, rather than playing cool. You keep the universal human anxiety of all this—felt by us men at the same octaves as women—in the can, and remember that you hardly know this person, are totally fine if it doesn't go anywhere, and you lean on that (along with a glass of wine, Zoom chats with girlfriends, chocolate, crunches, meditations, whatever) for stability in the rocky waters of dating. You see if things level off, if interest is shown, if the record scratch becomes a waltz again. If so, great. If not, great.

    All of which might be hard here. It's hard, alas, to recover from early record scratches, just like it's hard to have a great vacation if you get sick on day 2 of 5, even if it's a passing bug. It's hard to date during a global pandemic. So, hurdles. But, hey, humans are wild and always surprising. So: inhale, exhale, let time do it's thing. The person with the most "power," after all, is the one who can submit to time rather than trying to bend time to suit his or her own story or soothe their own edginess.

    My too many cents in strange times.
    touche Blue!

    I do agree with what you said. However, I think you are more evolved than the average man.

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