Is he interested in me enough?

Hi. I am in the process of getting a divorce.

Ex and i have been separated for 5 months.

3 months ago i started flirting back with a guy. He was my classmate back in grade school and he has been showing interest in me for the past 3 years.

He lives in another state. I had a continuing education class close to where he lived and we met up 2 months ago. We had a good time. We have been in constant communication since then. Text everyday. Call and /or video call about every other day. He includes me in on the details of his life. He is interested about mine.

He was supposed to come see me here where i live but this pandemic happened and we had to cancel those plans.

I know for a fact that he likes me. I hate to admit it but what bothers me is that we haven’t labeled what we have.

I am not seeing/talking to anyone else. He isn’t either. I told him im not interested in seeing anyone else. He didn’t say anything about that last statement i made.

Let me add an important note. My ex had to move back in with me and our child because of this pandemic crisis.

I am hesitant to ask this new guy to talk about which direction he expects our relationship to head because i, primarily, do not feel like i have the right to do that given the fact that i am still in a quite complicated situation with my ex at the moment.

Am i right to feel that way?

Should i step back and wait until my divorce is finalized before i try to get this new guy to tell me what his plans/anticipations are?

Am i right to think to just enjoy this attention from someone far away as i will not be able to fully commit to him yet anyway at the moment?

I will appreciate your thoughts and opinions. Thank you. Stay safe, everyone.

Deal with the situation at hand with your husband and child. Flirting with this guy you saw at this seminar will not help at this point.

Ex and i have been separated for 5 months. I had a continuing education class close to where he lived and we met up 2 months ago. I hate to admit it but what bothers me is that we haven’t labeled what we have. My ex had to move back in with me and our child because of this pandemic crisis.

I think you should focus on your divorce instead of jumping into something else. You are not emotionally ready. Deal with the present situation!

I missed the bit about a child. You should definitely not be bringing another man into the equation so soon. Focus on your kid and not men.

I get it, this guy is giving you attention, he makes you feel attractive, desired and wanted. It's pretty darn addictive....but with any addiction you don't see past your nose. I agree you have to snap out of it. You have more important things to sort out before you are ready to start a new life with someone or even simply dating. This guy is not your answer....it's blinding you from what is important, settling your divorce and focusing helping your child transition into a life of having you no longer together. It's very damaging to your child's mental health to have them see your attention go to some guy that isn't their father. Put your desires on hold, and work on yourself and your new life.

Does he know your ex is living with you again, and that your separation was a recent one?

Hi. We were classmates in grade school. We connected on Facebook about 6 years ago and have become friends.

I attended a seminar and he happened to live close by so we met up and went out then.

My husband and i already agreed to get a divorce when this crisis is over as we have to admit, divorce requires quite an amount of money. Money we might need to survive God forbid this pandemic still gets worse. We are trying to be practical with the finances as of now hence him moving back in.

Hi MissCanuck. Yes he is aware. Actually, he has been my listening ear throughout all this. It wasn’t until weeks after my “ex” and i talked about separating and agreeing on a divorce when this new guy informed me that he has feelings for me.

Thank you for that. I appreciate how you conveyed your message.

No one knows about this other guy but me. I have no plans of introducing him to my family, especially not my child unless i see this as something i can see as becoming serious.

This has been possible because he lives in another state.

I have been reading books and working on self-reflection and improvement and i agree that is of utmost importance along with making sure my child will be as less affected by this as possible.

I have considered cutting ties with this guy but yes i’m not gonna lie. Getting his attention and feeling appreciated, desired and wanted is something i would really like to enjoy having at this time.

I apologize. I am new here and i do not know how to reply to your specific posts.

Hi MissCanuck. Yes he is aware. Actually, he has been my listening ear throughout all this. It wasn’t until weeks after my “ex” and i talked about separating and agreeing on a divorce when this new guy informed me that he has feelings for me.

I would distance yourself a bit and work through your divorce. Lean on female friends and family right now, instead.

Thank you for that. I appreciate how you conveyed your message.

No one knows about this other guy but me. I have no plans of introducing him to my family, especially not my child unless i see this as something i can see as becoming serious.

This has been possible because he lives in another state.

I have been reading books and working on self-reflection and improvement and i agree that is of utmost importance along with making sure my child will be as less affected by this as possible.

 

 

I have considered cutting ties with this guy but yes i’m not gonna lie. Getting his attention and feeling appreciated, desired and wanted is something i would really like to enjoy having at this time.

ok all of the above seems reasonable. You are separated and divorcing, you can talk to other men. You're keeping it private and also working on yourself.

Where I think you might be going off the rails is:

In your OP, you question where its going (assuming from his perspective?)

Then above you say you've considered cutting ties.

Those seem like conflicting feelings to me. And you need to search within yourself what is actually going on with you.

Considering you're going through a divorce but living with your ex, its probably not the time to define things... theres a little spark but distance, pandemic, divorce all need worked out first.

I'd just keep focusing on yourself and your child, let time tell....

Hi MissCanuck. Yes he is aware. Actually, he has been my listening ear throughout all this. It wasn’t until weeks after my “ex” and i talked about separating and agreeing on a divorce when this new guy informed me that he has feelings for me.

This is why I suspect he's pulling back now. He knows it's not going to work as long as your ex is under you roof.

Therapy would be a better outlet. Sooner or later he will tire of the divorce drama stories and distance himself. After all it may come across as the typical "my spouse doesn't understand me" stuff. Many telemedicine services are covered by insurance now.

he has been my listening ear throughout all this.

ok all of the above seems reasonable. You are separated and divorcing, you can talk to other men. You're keeping it private and also working on yourself.

 

Where I think you might be going off the rails is:

 

In your OP, you question where its going (assuming from his perspective?)

 

Then above you say you've considered cutting ties.

 

Those seem like conflicting feelings to me. And you need to search within yourself what is actually going on with you.

 

Considering you're going through a divorce but living with your ex, its probably not the time to define things... theres a little spark but distance, pandemic, divorce all need worked out first.

 

I'd just keep focusing on yourself and your child, let time tell....

As a divorced person myself, you can't "work on yourself while talking to a dude" when the divorce papers have not even been filed.

You will tailor your healing towards what you need to do to be with him vs healing period, learning who you are as a divorced parent, etc.

If you do not have a guy in mind -- who knows - you could decide you have a clean slate, get that certification to advance or change careers that you couldn't while you were married (husband didn't approve), travel with your kid, cultivate neglected friendships.

I think you are lonely and you are going backwards -- looking at people from your past.

I say wait until you are really divorced, then go on an actual date and see if there is anything there. Don't monkey branch from one guy to another.

I get the impression it's not this man specifically, but more this:

"Getting his attention and feeling appreciated, desired and wanted is something i would really like to enjoy having at this time"

You want the attention. As long as this man understands that it's not really him but you just wanting to feel desired.

I would distance yourself a bit and work through your divorce. Lean on female friends and family right now, instead.

I originally was asking him for a male perspective on things. That was originally the intent as to why i was confiding in him. But yes i see how i should consider stepping back. I am leaning on my closest female friends and my sister. And online counseling.

Thank you!

ok all of the above seems reasonable. You are separated and divorcing, you can talk to other men. You're keeping it private and also working on yourself.

 

Where I think you might be going off the rails is:

 

In your OP, you question where its going (assuming from his perspective?)

 

Then above you say you've considered cutting ties.

 

Those seem like conflicting feelings to me. And you need to search within yourself what is actually going on with you.

 

Considering you're going through a divorce but living with your ex, its probably not the time to define things... theres a little spark but distance, pandemic, divorce all need worked out first.

 

I'd just keep focusing on yourself and your child, let time tell....

Thank you for that. I appreciate it.

This is why I suspect he's pulling back now. He knows it's not going to work as long as your ex is under you roof.

I have thought about that too. Thank you.

Therapy would be a better outlet. Sooner or later he will tire of the divorce drama stories and distance himself. After all it may come across as the typical "my spouse doesn't understand me" stuff. Many telemedicine services are covered by insurance now.

Actually, we have rarely talked about my divorce drama since we spent that weekend together.

I am doing online counseling and finding it helpful.

Thank you.

I get the impression it's not this man specifically, but more this:

"Getting his attention and feeling appreciated, desired and wanted is something i would really like to enjoy having at this time"

 

You want the attention. As long as this man understands that it's not really him but you just wanting to feel desired.

Now that you point that out, that’s probably why he hasn’t wanted to label anything.

Could it be that he sees us as “two people enjoying attention from each other for now”?

As a divorced person myself, you can't "work on yourself while talking to a dude" when the divorce papers have not even been filed.

You will tailor your healing towards what you need to do to be with him vs healing period, learning who you are as a divorced parent, etc.

If you do not have a guy in mind -- who knows - you could decide you have a clean slate, get that certification to advance or change careers that you couldn't while you were married (husband didn't approve), travel with your kid, cultivate neglected friendships.

 

I think you are lonely and you are going backwards -- looking at people from your past.

I say wait until you are really divorced, then go on an actual date and see if there is anything there. Don't monkey branch from one guy to another.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

You're totally missing red flags about this guy here. With what you write, he flirted with you for 3 years online, and even though you didn't reciprocate until recently, you crossed relationship boundaries. I'm sure that wasn't good for your marriage, and maybe contributed to its demise, and/or you welcomed attention from another man because you lacked an emotional connection with your husband. Learn that you have to end one relationship before beginning another is best, so either fix what you have or end it, but don't engage in emotional affairs.

Getting back to the "friend," you're failing to recognize that a guy who flirts with a taken woman has absolutely no intention of being in a long term relationship. He likes that the effort he'd have to put into a real, live, long term relationship isn't something he has to endure with someone who isn't totally free and expecting the same things as a free woman would.

You're blind to the fact that as soon as you are totally free and clear, his interest in you will drop as fast as your jaw. When that expectant statement of yours was met with deadening silence, it was confirmation of this.

Your child needs your full attention while getting used to a new family dynamic. He doesn't need your mind distracted by a new love interest. And even if you didn't have a child, it's always best to be single for at least a year to get to a good place solo, or you will likely keep picking the wrong partner. From the outside looking in, we who are not emotionally invested can see this guy isn't appropriate bf material, whereas you are clouded to that fact because you haven't given yourself that needed break from entanglements.

Just because he was a childhood friend means nothing. It's a false sense of knowing a stranger, which he actually is. I've encountered and/or found out much about many of my childhood friends, and as adults, want absolutely nothing to do with them. If he's such a prize, why hasn't he found anyone local in all those 6 years of chatting with you? Sounds like he likes non-committal fun. Open your eyes.

That's all it can be for now. He can't visit you, date you, etc as long as you are married and living with your husband. Is he married, in a relationship or living with someone?

Could it be that he sees us as “two people enjoying attention from each other for now”?

That's all it can be for now. He can't visit you, date you, etc as long as you are married and living with your husband. Is he married, in a relationship or living with someone?

The more attention you give him, the less attention you give your current situation. Why are you divorcing? Did you lose interest/stop making an effort due to your flirtation?

The more attention you give him, the less attention you give your current situation. Why are you divorcing? Did you lose interest/stop making an effort due to your flirtation?]

 

We have not been getting along for the past 2 years. He switched from a full time to a part time position without consulting me and did not inform me for months. We have been assisting his parents financially due to their increasing medical needs but he thought decreasing his income was a good thing to do?

He has become emotionally distant, rejected my efforts to bridge the gap and refused to try counseling. He says it’s normal for couples to become distant over time. We have been married 15 years.

Then in October of last year i found out he had a one night stand with some woman 14 years ago. I was willing to look over that but he didn’t even apologize for it and actually became more distant. That was the last straw for me.