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Guy losing interest? Please help


airlee

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Hi i am so confuse and I have the habit of shutting people out of my life whenever I don’t feel good or when I get upset about someone’s behavior and I don’t want to potentially ruin what I have atm but then I donÂ’t know if this is doing good to me. I always miss the chance and ruin something with my habit of blocking people as I can’t deal with disappointments and I like to just cut any unpleasant feelings whilst it’s early and move on than getting more stressed out. I am dating this guy it’s only been a month and We both like each other, we got on well, we banter a lot, unfortunately weÂ’ve just met 3x just before the lockdown. At the beginning he was extremely very sweet and constantly messaging me saying heÂ’s thinking about me (I know itÂ’s crazy as it was very new) constantly involving me with his day, sending snaps of anything.. food, places, etc. and I like it thatway as my life has been quite in the last 3 yrs. He made me feel important, wanted, he would constantly ask anything about me, what I have been up to. We have been chatting on WhatsApp everyday and Talk on the phone in the evening, it was all very sweet and beautiful and fun. I have been single for almost 3 yrs and I thought this guy seems too good to be true as he is direct with his intentions, that he wanted a relationship as I do and we’ll work to get to that path and said that heÂ’s not talking to anyone as he like to put his focus in one person and I loved it as this is what I have been waiting for. In the last 2 weeks heÂ’s changed. - heÂ’s messages are less frequent, HeÂ’s response are getting more and more delayed compare to how it was..it takes hours now before he Replies and it’s not just one or two messages and we both know he's not busy cos or the lockdown (and he told me too) and he lives on his own and so am I. When he message I would response almost immediately when I am not busy and his response would take 3-4 hrs later and he does this in all of his messages, we cannot have decent or lengthy Whatsapp convo anymore like before; I think If anything we should have more time to talk and get to know each other now that we are in quarantine; he’s not even asking about my day anymore, he seems avoiding talking to me as he would always say he’s getting his food or about to eat every time I messaged him and when he does reply, he is mostly just responding than talking, he also kept me hanging in the evening for disappearing when he knew it’s time for our evening convo and always say “he fell asleep” it happened 4x. As it happened a few times it got me thinking that was maybe an excuse as there is always a small chance you can inform someone you’re going to sleep! Yesterday I confronted him for the first time after he fell asleep again via message and told him that I don’t appreciate being left hanging and that we have talked about it before that he can always gives me a heads up if he was busy Or didnÂ’t want to talk so I won’t wait, a simple goodnight wont do any harm.

He’s response was that I need to ease up a little bit, he can understand as the situation now is different but said that I shouldn’t think too much. Which I am not, I am only noticing his silence and as he got me used to being involved of his day I find this really stressful (I didn’t tell him this though) I told him and was being honest to him that I am not happy of him going quite without telling me especially if we have planned to talk.

We still talk in the evening (when he doesn’t fell asleep) and he would still tell me that he misses me and he misses to be with me and he misses kissing me and that he canÂ’t wait I till this is all over. but heÂ’s quite during the day. I told him that we can do Netflix party (which we have done already) told him we can do a lot of long distance date activities and he would respond “sounds good letÂ’s do it” yet heÂ’s not keen, IÂ’m the one always reaching out asking about his day, greeting good mornings and updating him about my day (he does this before) what do you think is happening in here? ItÂ’s really stressing me out as I can feel o am chasing and I don’t like to be treated this way? I feel like cutting him out but I worry that I might be just overthinking and ruin something because of it or am I being mistreated here? Appreciate your help.

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Sorry to hear this. The circumstances are stressful for everyone, so he may be reaching out to friends, family, coworkers, etc. Relax, The firestorm in the beginning was way too much too soon. Allow things to settle into a more normal pace. Reach out to your friends, family , coworkers etc. Do more things at home. Try not to rely on someone you just met to alleviate your isolation or boredom.. Do not drown him in messages. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Simply message him less and get involved in other things.

I am dating this guy it’s only been a month. When he message I would response almost immediately when I am not busy and his response would take 3-4 hrs later. I am only noticing his silence and as he got me used to being involved of his day I find this really stressful.
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Sorry to hear this. The circumstances are stressful for everyone, so he may be reaching out to friends, family, coworkers, etc. Relax, The firestorm in the beginning was way too much too soon. Allow things to settle into a more normal pace. Reach out to your friends, family , coworkers etc. Do more things at home. Try not to rely on someone you just met to alleviate your isolation or boredom.. Do not drown him in messages. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Simply message him less and get involved in other things.

 

 

This is so good. We’re in a situation nobody has ever been in before with this covid quarantine thing. It’s super stressful and I agree that a bit of “loosening up” will benefit you both. You don’t have to be coy or play games, when you guys talk you can be free with your feelings. Just relax into the confidence that you’ve met a guy who likes you and enjoy the anticipation of dating once were able to, without being needy or demanding in the meantime.

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But I am not relying on him. I always have something to do, I talked to my family and friends, The quarantine made it possible for me to actually get rid of my stuff and sell them online that I have been planning for years.. it’s just he got me used of his daily life and I can’t bare the sudden silence from him. We have done the Netflix party and that was fun, we’ve also had FaceTime exercise at the park, we can do a lot of virtual dating to keep us alive and connected in this difficult time yet he’s not very keen? He used to me message me a lot even after the lockdown but he has changed so much in the last 2 weeks.. I just miss our bantering and I miss having a convo with him. I didn’t want to spit this out to him as I didn’t want to scare him and push him away, what I would like to figure out here is that.. is he acting as if he’s losing his interest in me? Because if he is, then I’d rather want to know it now so I will stoop bothering him and I can move on. Dealing with the uncertainty of this situation is already stressful enough and I didn’t want to add anymore stress. I also do not drown him in messages however I would like us to have a convo on messages every now and then doesn’t have to be all the time like how we used to be than receiving response every 3 hrs. Please to help with my sanity what steps I should be doing as I am so close of just blocking him and forget him so it’s not so upsetting but then I always do this, I might sabotage this again :(

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Just do this so he has a chance to miss you a bit. It sounds like you were smothering him. That way you can better assess his level of interest. Dating 15 days or so is not the time for heavy handed relationship talks. Relax. What's the difference?

 

If you pull back you'll solve all your problems. You'll use more self restraint and reflect on the smothering and you can fix things by not waiting with bated breath for every ping. It helps to let people breathe.

 

Doing a preemptive strike is a sign of insecurity and will surely push him away permanently. Breathe. Reflect. Relax. Make sure you are ready to date and not reacting to a previous situation.

I will stop bothering him
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I agree with others on easing up a bit. Talking everyday, especially lengthy texts, get boring pretty fast. Especially if there is nothing really new to report. We’re all stuck at home, chances are he just has nothing new to add and might find it annoying to be asked about his day, when his day is the same every day. I know I would be. It’s fine to check in here and there or share a photo of a new meal you tried to cook etc. but don’t expect him to respond at all times. I’ve sent countless texts, photos etc to friends that are left with no response. I’m totally fine with that. I’ve received lots of pictures that gave me a smile, but I didn’t respond, because there isn’t much response needed. If you’re secure in yourself you won’t need this much validation. I understand it’s probably very difficult to be in a new relationship while this is all going on and you look for connection. Too much neediness will definitely backfire though.

I’d also suggest phrasing things a bit differently. So instead of accusing him of not writing enough, you might try telling him you are so happy to hear from him, makes your day. Being accused will put anyone on the defense and as soon as it becomes pressure to check in with you so many times a day, he’ll lose interest in reaching out.

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My advice first and foremost is don't just be rash and cut him off. You have already told him you were worried and he knows. He had the chance to tell you when you confronted him if he's not interested anymore or changed his mind. But he didn't actually say that.

 

Actually just because you're in lockdown doesn't necessarily mean you feel like talking constantly. I live alone with no pets, my job was cancelled for now. I'm pretty much doing nothing with myself but I'm still not in the mood to talk all the time. My Mum rings me every day and sometimes I actually don't even feel like talking. It's nothing personal but sometimes I actually feel low because I'm so lonely and I'm not up for it.

 

I think the problem is that we don't really have much to say now. When people ask me: " How was your day?" I actually don't have anything to say about it. I don't really do anything with my day now. Also although you have been dating for a month but recently not in person. But as you can imagine dating has a "honeymoon phase" where at the start someone puts in a lot more effort. And sends messages all the time like: "Good night gorgeous, good morning gorgeous". Because you've been talking constantly maybe that's why this honeymoon phase is starting to wear off.

 

I don't see how this guy would lose interest in you because he hasn't seen you more in person, so it's not like you had the chance to do anything wrong or whatever. Also he can't meet other women either due to quarantine lol

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi all hope everyone is doing well and safe. Thank you for your replies, I appreciate your advices and apologies I haven’t been able to reply straightaway. Unfortunately, the guy and I has stopped talking :( I tried so hard to follow your advices and I was being relax to the situation but mentally I wasn’t at peace, my gut was telling me something and something was really off. As mentioned in my post I was concerned by the sudden changes of behavior and I get that’s it’s all because of the situation. The sudden shift in the dynamic between us really felt jarring, everyday he’s messages were getting less and less (I’m talking 1 or 2 messages) and his replies were very very late like we didn’t have fluid convo anymore or even just a solid back and forth messages like normal, It felt like he was only replying for the sake of replying. His replies were cold and formal, it was different from how he used to be, it was frustrating because he would respond to my message I sent in the morning in the afternoon and he would asked me back about my plans for the day and I would reply, but he’s respond to my message would be late in the night , no apologies, courtesy nothing YET he was ONLINE the whole time on WhatsApp.

 

So I needed to get things off my chest and I finally told him how I was feeling, he told me his reasons that he wanted time for himself however, he didn’t communicated this to me before, I even told him before that he can tell me anything and he would kept on saying he’s okay and everything’s good, turned out he wasn’t. I gave him space after he told me and he messaged me 2 days later apologizing for not saying anything and that he should’ve let me know, that he needed to reboot and he didn’t mean to make me feel ignored and he was sorry and he felt bad for making me feel bad, I replied and said, it’s all good, I understand now that I know the reasons behind the sudden silence and told him I hope the reboot helped. He AGAIN ignored that message and replied to me next day afternoon BUT he was appearing online all day. (He’s not working from home and I know he’s not busy as he said this to me before) a bit rude I think.

I feel like he’s chatting to other women which is fine by me if he could’ve been honest about it rather than telling me sweet words and said he was only talking to me as he likes to focus on us.

 

That really hurts me as he was sorry and all yet carried on doing the same thing. I did not respond to his late response and sort of ghosted him as I had enough, that was a week ago and he did not message me either.

 

It’s not the first time he’s done that, previously he would kept me waiting for his call as we always talked on the phone on evenings and we’ve confirmed it during the day, then he’d “fell asleep” and was sorry the next morning and he felt bad for keeping me waiting and I always let it pass as falling asleep is out of his control but then he does it again. He’s done it 4x. He’s also cancelled my call as he said he wasn’t feeling great, wanted to find out (that’s the only call I made ever) and said it’s not the good time to talk and that he would call me back but didn’t, I messaged 7 hrs later if he was gonna call me, he’s ignored it, next day he messaged apologizing and said he wanted to have a quite night and he didn’t mean to shut me down.

 

NOW, I am struggling mentally, I am beating myself up for ghosting him, I should have said anything to have closure as I really thought we had something special and upsets me as I was very open to Him and trusted him, told him about my family that I shouldn’t normally tell to anyone. (He told me his sad life too)

 

I was thinking of messaging him but my pride always reminding me not too.. plus I remembered his words during our first week, he told me he doesn’t like girls that chase (but I am not going to chase?) and I also thought he may not bothered.

 

What do you think? Is it worthy to message to have a closure and tell him that I am sad on what happened to us?

 

Really appreciate your help.

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He has given you plenty of hints that he's no longer interested. You're not ghosting him, you are simply taking his hint and leaving him alone.

 

Sorry it didn't work out, but most online relationships fizzle out eventually. This is an unfortunate time for new relationships, and you two haven't had much time to build a deeper connection before it turned into a virtual dating situation. Sure he could have been more upfront about losing interest instead of slow fading on you, but it won't change anything will it? Now you've seen some undesirable traits in him (unreliable, etc), you didn't miss any great chance here. He is just not a good match for you.

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Sorry to hear this. Good you got closure that he is not interested instead of fretting over his slow fade approach. Just move forward since it was only 3 meets and a few weeks of texting.

 

It sounds like he met someone else , went back to an ex, on/off gf, whatever. Delete and block him and all his people from all your dating apps, messaging apps, social media, etc. It's not a relationship after a mo of texting and 3 meets so don't put hat amount of emotional energy into something like that.

he told me his reasons that he wanted time for himself however
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He has given you plenty of hints that he's no longer interested. You're not ghosting him, you are simply taking his hint and leaving him alone.

 

Sorry it didn't work out, but most online relationships fizzle out eventually. This is an unfortunate time for new relationships, and you two haven't had much time to build a deeper connection before it turned into a virtual dating situation. Sure he could have been more upfront about losing interest instead of slow fading on you, but it won't change anything will it? Now you've seen some undesirable traits in him (unreliable, etc), you didn't miss any great chance here. He is just not a good match for you.

 

 

When he sent me his sorry message though, he did say that he wanted to continue talking to me and would like to see me on person once this is all over.. but when he replied very late that's when I stopped talking, but his last message after he's replied to my message was "I'm going shopping any minute" I wasn't even asking so sounds like he was involving me with his day still and that's why I felt bad for not repying that.. but yeah, he was unreliable, so I can see in the long run it may not work but I felt like I should've given it a chance

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Sorry to hear this. Good you got closure that he is not interested instead of fretting over his slow fade approach. Just move forward since it was only 3 meets and a few weeks of texting.

 

It sounds like he met someone else , went back to an ex, on/off gf, whatever. Delete and block him and all his people from all your dating apps, messaging apps, social media, etc. It's not a relationship after a mo of texting and 3 meets so don't put hat amount of emotional energy into something like that.

 

 

That's true I agree. It's just that we really started strong whether that was real or pretend from his side I don't know, but he lives far from London so not really sure if it was a pretend, either way.. what I felt was real which was strange in that short period of time, I never felt so strong so quickly like that to anyone before, his actions weren't matching his words, but I also think that I may have been overthinking.. but then again, him appearing online the whole time whilst my messages were unseen plus the cold-friendly treatment suggested something, with regards to chatting to other people, I did ask him?! I said I just wanted to know where I stand and whether what he said to me before that he was only talking to me still stands as I was only talking to him his response was, "his not a fan of people assuming things" that he speaks to his colleages/friends too... yet again you don't ghost someone you're dating if you're interested to them.

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I'm sorry you have gone through this without closure. I had a very similar experience myself and reading you post makes me feel like it is almost the same person (hopefully not). He lives far away from London too like Gravesend or something and the chat was really good in the beginning and I slowly started to get late reply to no reply. So what I did was, I gave him the same treatment and I'd go not messaging too then he would come back with "I miss you" then I'll carry on then it would go back cold. I think some men want to keep all connections alive and carry on chatting with multiple people and pick up the most interesting conversation and at the same time not also close of other conversations/connections. This guy did not give a damn about closure, when we discussed about closure, his reply was "People were so entitled and they want to know an answer for everything, sometimes there is no answer and not everyone can get a closure" . To my that was a slacker speaking and I felt like time wasted and I simply moved on. It is very hard and I am not telling it is easy but you don't want to be his Tuesday night chat routine girl either.

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I think some men want to keep all connections alive and carry on chatting with multiple people and pick up the most interesting conversation and at the same time not also close of other conversations/connections. This guy did not give a damn about closure, when we discussed about closure, his reply was "People were so entitled and they want to know an answer for everything, sometimes there is no answer and not everyone can get a closure" . To my that was a slacker speaking and I felt like time wasted and I simply moved on.

 

LOL. Great insight and good move!

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He lives in Reading so itÂ’s not the same person thankfully lol. Like what I said in my early post, we started strong and weÂ’ve met 3x but WeÂ’ve chatted for a while before we met so seems we have developed bonding already, thatÂ’s why we were so comfortable with each other when we met

This may be strange to you all As it was just 3 dates and few weeks of messages .. but we REALLY started very strong, it was intense! We were so infatuated with each other in that short period of time, I never felt like that to anyone that quickly before. it feels like weÂ’re almost In love (he even wrote a poem lol and dedicated me a song and He was always Re-assuring and talking about future.

 

We talked on the phone every evening which was arranged and agreed by the both of us, heÂ’s the one that said, itÂ’s this time that we can further develop our friendship and so I was under the impression that we will carry on what we were doing which was talking Every evening and staying connected, I even researched and planned fun things we can do virtually which he was up for it, Then suddenly, he stopped being so engaging. It was so sudden! Like heÂ’s put a full on brake for some reason. It wasnÂ’t like weÂ’re slowly fading With each other. I remember well, from the day that he was very chatty sending me sweet messages and pictures of whatever he was doing, places heÂ’s been, even shopping, to suddenly .. 2-3 messages The next day?! However, the day never ends without him messaging me even before If went downhill and before I ghosted him thatÂ’s why I felt bad that I stopped talking. The less engaging carried on for 3 weeks, but when he does message, it was very sweet like thinking of you etc. other days heÂ’s gone quite again or ghosting me for hours (whilst heÂ’s appearing online) When the time that I finally confronted him, I asked where I stand and if we were on the same page, he told me he likes to carry on talking to me and still wanted to see me once lockdown is over. He told me his reasons why he was distant (I mentioned on the other post) and I replied to his message saying that he shouldÂ’ve let me know, then he apologized and when I replied to his apology, heÂ’s ignored it again. Although, my response was in the midnight as I didnÂ’t see it straightaway, heÂ’s replied my message next day afternoon whilst he was appearing online almost all day since morning. I find it rude and disrespectful. Who on earth apologized to someone then not bothered to see their response? Especially Right after he said he didnÂ’t mean to ignore me.

 

That was the final realization for me that the guy was insincere and not true to his words, it was obvious that his attention was divided To something/someone.

 

In the last week, I feel like he was being untrue to what he said that he was only going to be talking to me as he wanted to focus on us, if he had been honest that heÂ’s chatting other people then I wouldnÂ’t mind at all, least I know where I stand.

 

We havenÂ’t discussed about closure yet as I was the one who stopped talking and itÂ’s killing me I did it because yes, he went quite but he was involving me with his day, late replies yes but he never left! I feel guilty because I told him he shouldÂ’ve have communicated to me about what he wanted so l could have left him alone completely, I was on about communication BUT I was the one that ghosted him.

 

Now I am debating wether to message him or not saying, itÂ’s a shame on what happened to us yet we shared good memories and I wish him goodluck.

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No, don't backpedal. It makes you look like you don't mean what you say, or that you are being manipulative. He won't respect you then and continuing on would be a waste of your time.

 

You can wish him good luck without having to tell him so.

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This may be strange to you all As it was just 3 dates and few weeks of messages .. but we REALLY started very strong, it was intense! We were so infatuated with each other in that short period of time, I never felt like that to anyone that quickly before. it feels like weÂ’re almost In love

 

It's not strange, actually. It's very common and a lot of people have experienced it, including myself.

 

The thing is, those feelings don't MEAN anything. They aren't promises of a blissful relationship.

 

They're hormonal euphoria, and their function is to perpetuate the species by causing us to mate and reproduce.

 

The euphoric feelings generally don't survive very long, and so it's a good rule of thumb to get past the six-month mark before getting your hopes up about longterm relationship success.

 

I think you're better off not sending that text.

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It's not strange, actually. It's very common and a lot of people have experienced it, including myself.

 

The thing is, those feelings don't MEAN anything. They aren't promises of a blissful relationship.

 

They're hormonal euphoria, and their function is to perpetuate the species by causing us to mate and reproduce.

 

The euphoric feelings generally don't survive very long, and so it's a good rule of thumb to get past the six-month mark before getting your hopes up about longterm relationship success.

 

I think you're better off not sending that text.

 

 

Oh well. I’ve never felt something like that before and never been with someone who was very loving and affectionate and full of future plans in that short period of time. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had dates and met people in the past that I don’t even noticed they’ve disappeared or i Faded myself and I don’t let someone easily into my life. I guess the talking serious sad details about our lives got me. I wasn’t of course hoping that he was gonna be my Husband but I did hope for something beautiful good or bad. We could have ended it good. I’m just not the person who belongs to the modern way of ending something that comes along in life buy just disappearing. I think I’m a great communicator and prefers to put dot in everything regardless of whatever it is. But I sure learned something though I won’t be able to have peace of mind So soon.

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No, don't backpedal. It makes you look like you don't mean what you say, or that you are being manipulative. He won't respect you then and continuing on would be a waste of your time.

 

You can wish him good luck without having to tell him so.

 

 

 

I wasn’t planning of begging god no! Or even telling who’s fault is who and certainly not want him back after how he treated me. I guess what I Wanted is just to say How disappointed I was oh how our story turned out, but was happy we’ve shared something special and that I know it was never going to work anyway and that he could have been upront with his intention to not to led me into something THEN block him.

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Oh well. I’ve never felt something like that before and never been with someone who was very loving and affectionate and full of future plans in that short period of time. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had dates and met people in the past that I don’t even noticed they’ve disappeared or i Faded myself and I don’t let someone easily into my life. I guess the talking serious sad details about our lives got me. I wasn’t of course hoping that he was gonna be my Husband but I did hope for something beautiful good or bad. We could have ended it good. I’m just not the person who belongs to the modern way of ending something that comes along in life buy just disappearing. I think I’m a great communicator and prefers to put dot in everything regardless of whatever it is. But I sure learned something though I won’t be able to have peace of mind So soon.
i understand. no matter how long or short something is, it doesn't mean its not a tough pill to swallow at the end....

 

Unfortunately, you're going to meet many people that don't prescribe to your way of handling things. And thats where you have to lower your expectations.... its not about settling or accepting bad behavior.

 

Its about protecting yourself and accepting that some people are not your caliber and therefore not worth the effort.

 

Its about being more disciplined in the beginning. So that your letting people earn trust, earn respect, earn your feelings. The old model of trust until given a reason not to, isn't the best policy.

 

Sure, you have to be open, willing to try and give people a chance to earn your affection but be cautiously optimistic based on their actions over a reasonable period of time.

 

love bombing, too much interest at first, is a big red flag.... if someone can love you at first sight, they can remove it just as quickly.... because you don't know for sure it was truly love at first sight until much later. maybe its lust...

 

in the future, remember due diligence even in romance is required, just like any other decision.

 

I like to think of it like this, its easier to put the hurdle at the begining of the relationship, than the healing at the end. because that beginning hurdle weeds out people who are not like minded. People who are flighty are not going to rise to your standards and that's ok. its actually preferable.

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I wasn’t planning of begging god no! Or even telling who’s fault is who and certainly not want him back after how he treated me. I guess what I Wanted is just to say How disappointed I was oh how our story turned out, but was happy we’ve shared something special and that I know it was never going to work anyway and that he could have been upront with his intention to not to led me into something THEN block him.
ps.... I've totally felt this in the past. (hugs)
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Just something else to be aware of, especially if you find yourself susceptible to romantic euphoria.

 

I am susceptible to it, too, btw. I speak from experience.

 

It's a fun ride, but not to be taken too seriously. You can get banged up if you're not careful.

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Before you started dating him was there a situation recently that you were not recovered from? Unfortunately you seem to be reacting to a brief dating situation meeting 3 times, as if a long term relationship ended. If you were intimate too soon, that's ok next time just take your time to get to know a someone.

 

Rely on trusted friends and family to speak your mind. Getting into post breakup wrangling serves you no purpose. In fact the more you try to reopen and rehash the more he will be glad he exited this.

I Wanted is just to say How disappointed I was oh how our story turned out.
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