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Thread: Meeting with my ex

  1. #1
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    Meeting with my ex

    Well we have been together for just over a year ( me male 33 ) ( ex she is 30 )
    Met through our CrossFit class. Feel for eachother. Started dating. Got on amazingly well.
    Things were going really well until I found out she lied about being in contact with an ex.
    Wasn’t so much the fact she was talking to this ex as she had already told me from the beginning she would talk and work for a different long term ex.
    My issue was being lied too.

    Anyhow cut a long story short. I’ve struggled with trust ever since. When it happened she said it was a mistake etc and to try again.
    Fast forward to Christmas. Sat next to her one evening there were messages from a guy on Facebook ..I asked who it was as she’d never mentioned him before.
    Turns out it was an old friend. She bumped into him at uni.
    Trust issues flared up a little as I explained she would talk in depth about her life and the people in it yet left this guy totally out of the talking.

    Go forward a few days she admitted to me she actually had a sexual encounter with this guy years ago. She doesn’t know why she lied about it and there was nothing there or going on. Even though all the messages had been deleted.
    Caused us more issues obviously.

    She again said she was sorry. It was nothing. She was scared of telling me the truth. It must stem from childhood issues with her parents and a quite abusive ex ( the ex she used to work for and remain in contact ) but that’s a different story.


    Now onto me. I struggled with the trust since the first issue. I became distant. Almost stuck in a rut. I question did I truly love her.
    I stopped showing affection. Became anxious. Snappy. Irritable. We lost the spark...there was no fun anymore in us.

    We went into lockdown together as she lived with me at the time. The pattern continued where we would fall out. I would Criticise her for little things. Though to me having to constantly ask to take dirty dishes out or put some washing home whilst she was at home and I was a work used to bug me.

    Anyhow we fell out one evening last week. We kinda said we hadn’t been happy. Probably weren’t suited ( emotion were high. Being stuck in lockdown )
    Clearly our communication has been non existent. I can admit that I’ve failed to talk about how I’m truly feeling.
    Got to the point she left and head home.
    Tried contacting her that evening but to no success.
    Next day tried ringing, texting emailing and nothing. Finally got a response that emotions are high. There’s pressure on us. We both aren’t happy at the moment. She thinks we need space/time to reflex.

    I accepted this and said ok.
    Monday I receive a text asking if I want to meet to talk in a couple of days.
    I said yes and we arranged for this evening.

    Since then there’s been no normal messaging. It’s literally just been to arrange the meet/time etc

    I did send the last message yesterday evening and ended it with ‘ how are you doing ‘ to which I haven’t received a single reply.
    She’s on lockdown. I know she uses her phone throughout the day.


    I’m guess I’m on here as I’m worried. I haven’t been sleeping properly ( two hours last night )
    I’m meeting her tonight ( hopefully )
    We have feel out before but quickly resolved things in the past the day after.
    It’s been 5 days. Haven’t seen her. Spoke to her.
    I have all her belongings at mine including bank cards, push bike etc

    I wonder if this talk is her walking away for good? But if so why drag it out? Why not tell me on Monday that we needed to meet and talk then and not in a couple of days?

    I’ve suggested we go for a walk tonight ( exercise on lockdown )
    Nothings been mentioned about her stuff.

    I guess I’m scared. The space has given me time to reflex. It’s been a god send. It’s made me realise I need counselling. I can get very snappy and impatient. I gather I have underlying problems rooted somewhere that I need to address.
    It’s opened my eyes to how my I love her. That I have regrets and I’ve made mistakes ( being human )
    I just hope it’s not over. I’m not going to beg. I’m calm at the moment although exhausted. It’s affecting me not knowing what’s going on.

    I want to listen to her and for her to listen to me. I get our communication is one of the areas that has let us down and it’s both our faults.
    I have things to work on as she does.

  2. #2
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    This is more your issue than hers.

    She chatted to someone who is not an ex but someone she had a sexual encounter years ago. So what???

    You are blaming her for your trust issues.
    Thats unfair.

    Couples need to maturely discuss boundaries, clearly you havent , but punish the other for not respecting boundaries that were in YOUR head but never vocalised????

    This is entirely your issue. What are you going to do?

    I suggest apologise for your expectations from another without vocalising them, and then vocalise them and see if she is on the same board as you?

  3. #3
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    Perhaps I explained it wrong. It wasnt the fact she spoke to someone with who she had history with.

    It was the fact of lying to me about who they actually were. When infront of my eyes I see messages from a guy of course Im going to ask who is it. To be told a story which turns out to be untrue surely will cause anyone to doubt things. I couldnt care less if she was honest about it. All I ever asked was to tell me the truth about things. It goes further with me that lying. I knew from the beginning she was talking to an old ex who was a friend - so on this she was honest from the beginning and I had no concerns.

    My morals are based on trust and integrity. So yes I started to doubt the trust as she lied about who these people were. And to me if things are innocent why lie?

    Ive said it gave me trust issues...I can admit that. But I think anyone who wasnt told the truth would be the same

  4. #4
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    Why of course would you be asking her about a guy that she is messaging knowing you are looking over her shoulder??!


    She clearly was not hiding anything , you asked her accusingly who she was messaging. That was your mistrust!!!
    She said a friend Im guessing , which was true. She had a sexual encounter years ago. So what? Im guessing she only admitted that because you kept probing??

    Give the girl a break!!!!

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  6. #5
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    Wow feeling the hate here.

    Again you assume so much rubbish. Probing? What the fact up to that point we were comfortable sat next to eachother openly using our phones? At times she would be cuddling up next to me whilst I would message friends.

    And its asked more in ah whose that your talking to

    Clearly all youre hung up on is hating on me as Ive explained a situation thats made me question trust.
    Ive stated nothing to do with talking to an ex. Its about being lied to.
    Lies are lies my friend. Regardless of what they are.

    Fact of this whole post was for some advice as we are meeting up tonight and Im confused!

    Your post are about as helpful as a chocolate teapot.

    So a kind request to not reply anymore would be appreciated. Thank you

  7. #6
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    I wouldn't meet her tonight. I think you need to really take your time, to reflect and to think and then talk to her when you've got a clear head and you're in a calmer, less exhausted state.

    I would say that, from the manner in which you responded to the previous poster (much as you didn't share their opinions), you're definitely not in a calm state of mind at the moment.

  8. #7
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    No to some extent a type of anxiety has appeared which is throwing me off. Its the uncertainty Im not dealing well with.

    The air hasnt been cleared so to speak. Leaving things on a sour note is not great.

    What is a calm state of mind though? Emotions will be high. Im feeling like most do in this situation like my boat has capsized.
    When I talk about confusion just in regards to whats going on in her head ( which only she knows )

    I appreciate your words. Exhausted state yes. Sadly Im one of the ones who still need to work currently and times are manic.

  9. #8
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    I think you know yourself when you're in a calmer state of mind. You've said it yourself that you're exhausted and you've had 2 hours sleep. That's obviously no state in which to have big conversations about the future of a relationship.

    Also, if you give it a few days, that'll give you more time to receive further feedback from others on here re the problems that you've been having in your relationship before you speak with her.

    One question here - when there's a dispute in your relationship, are you able to handle things calmly? I.e. without getting angry and confrontational?

  10. #9
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    Not always no. And its one of the issues Im going to address once Ive been referred to a councillor. Im not the best at talking about my feelings when things become difficult. Though I realise this and want to make an effort in changing this.

    No it might not be ideal that Im feeling tired though Ive been wanting to speak to her since this all happened. Im not going into this to argue. Just listen. Communicate. All the things we have failed over the last month

  11. #10
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    Sorry to hear this. It must be have been hell being stuck in lock down with all this tension and conflict. It's good she left to reflect and regroup. Space. Give this space so you don't make each other crazy. Arrange a time when she can collect her things.
    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    We went into lockdown together as she lived with me at the time. I would Criticise her for little things.
    Got to the point she left and head home.She thinks we need space/time to reflex.

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