Had a break up and need advice.

Hello All,

I was with a girl for nearly 2 years. We were always together, having a pretty good dynamic and enjoying each other. Long story short, she wanted children quite fast and commitment from my end, which I was not ready to provide at the time. Reason being, that she gets depressed easily and I helped her through her episodes quite a few times, as I am a pretty positive/rational guy and managed to make her think straight. Issue is, that her attitude piled up in time, getting angry for small stuff, refusing to apologize even when she is clearly in the wrong etc. This made me doubt a solid future with her, hence my uncertainty and her seeing my doubt. She also wanted us to move in together, which I didn't want to because of the reasons above and logistics that would have made moving in together very beneficial to her and inconvenient for me. Over time, we started arguing about these issues and in January this year, she asked me if it wouldn't just be better if we split up. I was very tired from the fights at the time and just didn't want to struggle, so I agreed.

It is very important to note that I love her deeply, but didn't see a solution at the time. I told her that we shouldn't contact each other for a month at least, so the healing can be easier (she wanted to remain friends, as she really enjoyed talking to me overall, hanging out). The first 2-3 days after the break up I was surprisingly fine, I guess was at the shock stage. Then it hit me and it hit hard. I was miserable, but I plowed through it. Fast forward to the end of January, where I believe I made a huge mistake. I was rummaging through my stuff and found a birthday card she gave me. At the time I wanted to be back with her, but attributed it to sadness, routine and obviously love, so ignored it as much as possible. Well, when I found that Bday card and read the message I totally broke down. In my mind, I was losing the love of my life for some bull reasons. To hell with my logistics and convenience, I will get her back, get a place together, give her the kids she needs etc etc. I guess people who did try to get their ex in the early days of the break up get what I mean. So, I give her a call the same day, tell her I need to meet her and she agrees. I drive to her place, start to explain all the stuff I'll change, what I did wrong etc. While I do this my grief overcomes me and I break down crying in front of her, not my proudest moment. She hugged me for probably 5 min, until I stopped sobbing. Told me though, that it shouldn't take a break up to find out how much I love her, that she is not sure I will do the stuff I say and that she doesn't want to back peddle. I was devastated but couldn't really do much. We told our goodbyes again and I left.

That reset any progress I would have made to get over her I think. But now, to my actual question. We've talked afterwards, as she had a trip planned to Iceland while she was with me and I did want to experience her joy during it (it was her dream to travel to Iceland since she was a little girl). So we had some light talk, she would send me pictures etc. Nothing about the relationship anymore. She bought me some stuff for my birthday and we will meet soon so she can give it to me. I still want to get her back, but I don't want to bet anything on this as I also want to move on. Since the break up, I have improved my mental and physical health tremendously and no longer fear a rejection. So what I thought about doing this time is this:

Once we meet, we'll just have a good time, nothing major and before I leave I plan to tell her that we cannot be friends and I'll need to remove her from facebook/steam/all social media etc. I'll tell her that I still have feelings for her, but since she doesn't want to be with me, I have to do what's best for me in order to move on with my life (and I will mean it as I can't torture myself anymore). Finally, will tell her that she has my number, and if she wants to talk about us and how we can start our new relationship some day, she can give me a call.

After all that I'll be done. I think at this point I am not over her, but I am not in pain anymore, just a bit some days. I do think about her every day, which I think is normal. I do plan to continue forward no matter what she does. If she gives me that call when I am completely over her, tough luck.

What do you think about this? I've also thought about stopping all communication anyway, but it would be a bit immature without any upfront reason. I want her to know why I cannot be her friend and tell the truth at the same time.

I honestly wouldn’t meet up if you’re just going to cut ties with her. First off it will make your recovery that much worse and second she’s giving you a gift with the hopes of friendship which you can’t provide. It will lead her on to think you can still be friends by meeting her.

It’s best to cut all contact now. Tell her you can’t meet for the sake of both of you. She can’t give you what you want and you can’t give her what she wants. What is the point of dragging this out? Meeting her will drag it out more.

I honestly wouldn’t meet up if you’re just going to cut ties with her. First off it will make your recovery that much worse and second she’s giving you a gift with the hopes of friendship which you can’t provide. It will lead her on to think you can still be friends by meeting her.

 

It’s best to cut all contact now. Tell her you can’t meet for the sake of both of you. She can’t give you what you want and you can’t give her what she wants. What is the point of dragging this out? Meeting her will drag it out more.

Hey, thanks for the response! Keep in mind, that she initiated the break up and asked me on the same day to be friends, knowing full well how much I love her and I assume knowing how hard that would be for me. So far, I have delivered being her friend but only to my own detriment. Seeing me one more time so that I can explain my feelings, situation and reasoning should be within what I deserve, everything else considered. Will it be hard to see her again? Probably, but at the same, I want to see her for who she is, a normal girl. We tend to romanticize our dumpers way too much and I surely have done that to a large degree. I know that when I see her again, it will help me understand she is just another human being.

I do hope she will be able to accept me not wanting to be her friend, the same way I accepted her not wanting to be my partner in life, even though I love her to death.

Sorry you are dealing with all this. Has she changed her mind about commitment, marriage, kids, etc? Simply stop communicating after telling her friends is not in the cards for you.

If you change your mind and start taking her seriously and change your mind about her, then contact her. Otherwise don't bother with lectures or promises to change or any sort of manipulation to get her back.

she wanted children quite fast and commitment from my end, which I was not ready to provide at the time. She also wanted us to move in together

Sorry you are dealing with all this. Has she changed her mind about commitment, marriage, kids, etc? Simply stop communicating after telling her friends is not in the cards for you.

 

If you change your mind and start taking her seriously and change your mind about her, then contact her. Otherwise don't bother with lectures or promises to change or any sort of manipulation to get her back.

That's the thing - I did change my mind about her and I am fine with having children with her at this point, if she desires it. I've always wanted children, just didn't like the speed at which she was pursuing the idea with me. That is one of the things I plan on telling her when we meet. Mind you, I don't want to force her to answer then and there at all. That is why I will make my case and leave never to contact her again. If she believes she can take me back, she can decide it on her own. I just want to let her know what is on the table.

It sounds like you miss her and will convince yourself or her that you suddenly feel ready for marriage, commitment, moving in, kids etc., even though a couple of mos ago you weren't? It's ok to rue the breakup or feel sad, but don't fool yourself or string her along.

I did change my mind about her and I am fine with having children with her at this point, if she desires it.