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Thread: Ex reached out owes me money but no trust

  1. #1
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    Ex reached out owes me money but no trust

    Hi all,
    After 9 months of on again off again relationship I ended things 1 1/2 month ago. I really love him , but he was hurtful. I am really struggling through the grief and loss of what I thought our relationship could have been.
    He I believe is an alcoholic. He manipulated me, broke promises, stonewalled and gave me the silent treatment throughout our relationship. He was also kind complimentary, fun and we had great chemistry. He borrowed money from me. (Shame on me) . After 35 days NC he reached out asking how I was and telling me he’s wants to pay me some of what he owes me this week. Well, he gets paid tomorrow and I am future freaking ! I know he is not going to reach out and pay me , but I have some hope that he will. I know when tomorrow comes and he doesn’t contact me to pay me I will be heartbroken all over and feel used once again.
    I need some advice as to what I can tell myself when it doesn’t happen to not feel completely discarded as always. I know I know I broke it off with him , it had nothing to do with me not loving him , I did it to save myself.
    Thanks for any advice you may have.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Diplomatically and peacefully make arrangements for him to repay his debts to you. He can repay you with online banking, postal mail you a personal check, pay you through PayPal or electronic means. Don't meet him in person especially during this COVID-19 pandemic and despite the 6 ft social distancing rule.

    If you already know he will not sincerely and ethically repay his debts owed to you, then kindly, respectfully and politely decline however way you will do it such as via text, email, messenger, phone call or voicemail. Then tell him it's time for both of you to go your separate ways permanently.

    If he continues to relentlessly pursue you, you should ignore, ghost, block and delete him since you've already given him fair warning. Then you can heal and save yourself for real.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    As a sober alcoholic I think you did the right thing to leave, as painful a choice as it may have been. You say you did it for yourself, and that’s so wise; but you also did this guy a huge solid whether he recognizes it yet or not. As long as an alcoholic feels like his mode of living is “working for him” he will continue to destroy himself and everything around him. By not enabling him you have moved him, by one degree or another, closer to finding a solution for his drinking problem.

    As for the $$ I would personally just write it off. If he actually does pay some or all of it back - well BONUS! I think the advice above of doing an impersonal transfer of funds is wise.

    If you wish to hold out romantic hope for him - make sure you have a crystal clear caveat that NOTHING will ever transpired between the two of you until he’s proven (with substantial time) his commitment to being totally sober...

    That’s my .02 - good luck!

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    Thank you so much for the words of wisdom!
    I’m afraid to reach out to him and forgive the money.
    Not sure why...
    I do want him to know that I’d he ever got sober I would be his friend but am again afraid to tell him that. I think this is the toughest breakup I’ve ever had . Of course I wish I knew that he really wanted to pay me back ...

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    You don’t have to say anything to him to forgive the money. Do that for YOU, not for him. If I were you I would resist any temptation to reach out to him for any reason. If he contacts you that’s one thing, you could respond with a detached civility and let him know what you want to let him know...but I seriously wouldn’t have any level of involvement with this guy whatsoever unless he gets his act together and stops drinking.

    Break ups suck, especially with someone who is literally drowning tons of charisma and potential in booze...there’s so many levels of “if only” to work through, huh? Sorry you’re hurting and I hope you can find some peace soon!

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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    You don’t have to say anything to him to forgive the money. Do that for YOU, not for him. If I were you I would resist any temptation to reach out to him for any reason. If he contacts you that’s one thing, you could respond with a detached civility and let him know what you want to let him know...but I seriously wouldn’t have any level of involvement with this guy whatsoever unless he gets his act together and stops drinking.

    Break ups suck, especially with someone who is literally drowning tons of charisma and potential in booze...there’s so many levels of “if only” to work through, huh? Sorry you’re hurting and I hope you can find some peace soon!
    Thank you so much! How lucky to find someone with first hand knowledge regarding this! I will resist .. tomorrow will be tough, I am going to practice letting this go.

  8. #7
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    Oh my lord the “if onlys”. Too many to list ! It just sad , I’m sad , I’m sad for me and I’m sad for him.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    You’ve got a good heart. You’ll find a guy who is everything you want and more...and isn’t handicapped by addiction....

    Hang in there!

  10. #9
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    Is there any reason why you haven't blocked and deleted him?

    How much money?

  11. #10
    Silver Member Spawn's Avatar
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    if he owes you a large amount and you want it back, just share him details of online account and ask him to send there directly. No need to meet up or talk much you can keep convo restricted and to the point.
    My ex owes me a lot but its better to stay away from ungrateful and toxic people, so have her blocked.
    Sorry for what you going through. Take care of yourself and your well being.

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