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Ex reached out owes me money but no trust


Horsegirl

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Hi all,

After 9 months of on again off again relationship I ended things 1 1/2 month ago. I really love him , but he was hurtful. I am really struggling through the grief and loss of what I thought our relationship could have been.

He I believe is an alcoholic. He manipulated me, broke promises, stonewalled and gave me the silent treatment throughout our relationship. He was also kind complimentary, fun and we had great chemistry. He borrowed money from me. (Shame on me) . After 35 days NC he reached out asking how I was and telling me he’s wants to pay me some of what he owes me this week. Well, he gets paid tomorrow and I am future freaking ! I know he is not going to reach out and pay me , but I have some hope that he will. I know when tomorrow comes and he doesn’t contact me to pay me I will be heartbroken all over and feel used once again.

I need some advice as to what I can tell myself when it doesn’t happen to not feel completely discarded as always. I know I know I broke it off with him , it had nothing to do with me not loving him , I did it to save myself.

Thanks for any advice you may have.

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Diplomatically and peacefully make arrangements for him to repay his debts to you. He can repay you with online banking, postal mail you a personal check, pay you through PayPal or electronic means. Don't meet him in person especially during this COVID-19 pandemic and despite the 6 ft social distancing rule.

 

If you already know he will not sincerely and ethically repay his debts owed to you, then kindly, respectfully and politely decline however way you will do it such as via text, email, messenger, phone call or voicemail. Then tell him it's time for both of you to go your separate ways permanently.

 

If he continues to relentlessly pursue you, you should ignore, ghost, block and delete him since you've already given him fair warning. Then you can heal and save yourself for real.

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As a sober alcoholic I think you did the right thing to leave, as painful a choice as it may have been. You say you did it for yourself, and that’s so wise; but you also did this guy a huge solid whether he recognizes it yet or not. As long as an alcoholic feels like his mode of living is “working for him” he will continue to destroy himself and everything around him. By not enabling him you have moved him, by one degree or another, closer to finding a solution for his drinking problem.

 

As for the $$ I would personally just write it off. If he actually does pay some or all of it back - well BONUS! I think the advice above of doing an impersonal transfer of funds is wise.

 

If you wish to hold out romantic hope for him - make sure you have a crystal clear caveat that NOTHING will ever transpired between the two of you until he’s proven (with substantial time) his commitment to being totally sober...

 

That’s my .02 - good luck!

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Thank you so much for the words of wisdom!

I’m afraid to reach out to him and forgive the money.

Not sure why...

I do want him to know that I’d he ever got sober I would be his friend but am again afraid to tell him that. I think this is the toughest breakup I’ve ever had . Of course I wish I knew that he really wanted to pay me back ...

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You don’t have to say anything to him to forgive the money. Do that for YOU, not for him. If I were you I would resist any temptation to reach out to him for any reason. If he contacts you that’s one thing, you could respond with a detached civility and let him know what you want to let him know...but I seriously wouldn’t have any level of involvement with this guy whatsoever unless he gets his act together and stops drinking.

 

Break ups suck, especially with someone who is literally drowning tons of charisma and potential in booze...there’s so many levels of “if only” to work through, huh? Sorry you’re hurting and I hope you can find some peace soon!

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You don’t have to say anything to him to forgive the money. Do that for YOU, not for him. If I were you I would resist any temptation to reach out to him for any reason. If he contacts you that’s one thing, you could respond with a detached civility and let him know what you want to let him know...but I seriously wouldn’t have any level of involvement with this guy whatsoever unless he gets his act together and stops drinking.

 

Break ups suck, especially with someone who is literally drowning tons of charisma and potential in booze...there’s so many levels of “if only” to work through, huh? Sorry you’re hurting and I hope you can find some peace soon!

 

Thank you so much! How lucky to find someone with first hand knowledge regarding this! I will resist .. tomorrow will be tough, I am going to practice letting this go.

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if he owes you a large amount and you want it back, just share him details of online account and ask him to send there directly. No need to meet up or talk much you can keep convo restricted and to the point.

My ex owes me a lot but its better to stay away from ungrateful and toxic people, so have her blocked.

Sorry for what you going through. Take care of yourself and your well being.

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Thank you so much for the words of wisdom!

I’m afraid to reach out to him and forgive the money.

Not sure why...

I do want him to know that I’d he ever got sober I would be his friend but am again afraid to tell him that. I think this is the toughest breakup I’ve ever had . Of course I wish I knew that he really wanted to pay me back ...

 

He doesn’t care about friendship.

Please don’t tell him that! That would be counter productive. Only.

 

Send him your bank details and nothing else.

 

Don’t engage in conversation.

 

And write the money off as a bad debt.

 

He is only suggesting paying you back , possibly to give you a mere percent of it in order to gain your trust and get more from you.

 

It’s up to him , who he reaches out to when or if he gets sober and I don’t think it will be you.

 

Sorry!

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You are much better off with someone like this out of your life. You already know the repayment promises are fake.

He manipulated me, broke promises, stonewalled and gave me the silent treatment throughout our relationship.he’s wants to pay me some of what he owes me this week.

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Thank you so much for the words of wisdom!

I’m afraid to reach out to him and forgive the money.

Not sure why...

I do want him to know that I’d he ever got sober I would be his friend but am again afraid to tell him that. I think this is the toughest breakup I’ve ever had . Of course I wish I knew that he really wanted to pay me back ...

 

Don't contact him about it. Just write it off.

 

You want to close doors here, not leave them open.

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Oh boy ! So much good advice. It’s so hard when you do really love someone and they consistently hurt and treat you poorly.

There is nothing we can’t do to make them want to be a better person. I have no idea if he really cares or ever did, that’s the hardest part right? I’ve got to figure out how to resolve this within myself. Anybody have any good tips on this?

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If it's a couple of hundred dollars, I'd block him, as that small amount isn't worth the angst. If he owes you a substantial amount of money, and you don't already have proof of that in writing, I'd get proof. Let's say he owes you two thousand dollars. I'd e-mail or text, however you normally communicate, and ask if he thinks he can swing four payments of $500 and give particular dates spread out. And then if he responds, keep that documentation. And then I'd take him to small claims court instead of dealing with his lies and broken promises. He took advantage of you so don't feel bad about recouping what you're owed in this way.

 

As for tips on moving on? Blocking him will allow time and distance to do its work nicely. In my experience, after 4 to 6 months of no contact, I no longer thought of the ex daily and was able to heal and move on. If you put up with someone regularly treating you poorly, it means you lack self esteem, and your man picker won't improve until your self-esteem does. Read books on articles on how to gain self-love. Make sure you also have a fulfilling life besides have a man in your life. Take care.

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Oh boy ! So much good advice. It’s so hard when you do really love someone and they consistently hurt and treat you poorly.

There is nothing we can’t do to make them want to be a better person. I have no idea if he really cares or ever did, that’s the hardest part right? I’ve got to figure out how to resolve this within myself. Anybody have any good tips on this?

 

Blocking and deleting him.

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Do not tell him if he ever sobers up you are open to anything.

 

Do not reach out all.

 

When he does contact you, don't engage with him. Just give him options to send the money as others have said. there are soo many ways for him to send money which requires zero contact with you.

 

If he does send the money, great. no need to thank him. Its your money.

 

Addicts are very unstable until they get their addiction under control which takes at the very least a year.... its a huge personal growth expereince that can be done but with varying degrees of difficult, from very difficult to impossible.

 

Addiction changes the wiring in your brain...

 

To put any stock in anything he does or says is futile. Addicts are very good at the lies and games to feed the inly thing that matters to them- addiction.... If he is worthy of friendship down the road, well that will be decided then.

 

know saying anything like you are there for him even as a friend only sets you up to be manipulated.

 

Stay strong. Even if you love him from a far. At some point, you'll just feel sorry for him. He has real problems to deal with and its super hard, but its not your place.

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Oh boy ! So much good advice. It’s so hard when you do really love someone and they consistently hurt and treat you poorly.

There is nothing we can’t do to make them want to be a better person. I have no idea if he really cares or ever did, that’s the hardest part right? I’ve got to figure out how to resolve this within myself. Anybody have any good tips on this?

 

If he's sincere about repaying his debts owed to you, then only transfer funds electronically such as online baking, direct deposit to your PayPal account and the like; no other way. Never meet him in person. Those days are over.

 

If you know that he will not honor his debts nor have any intentions whatsoever to repay you, then seriously move on with your life. In order to move on, you need an attitude adjustment.

 

Whenever my past friendships had failed (friendship in my case), it was painful at first to part ways and I felt so resentful and bitter for a long time. However, what helped me was permanent zero contact, ignoring, ghosting, blocking and deleting. Then the transition to move on is easier because your EX becomes "out of sight, out of mind" mentality for you. Then many months and years pass by and eventually, he'll become a distant memory and then nothing but a blur. Weeks, months and years will go by when they never enter your mind anymore. They're gone and vanished into thin air. Poof! They disappear forever. You have to do this for your mental survival.

 

Regarding those who don't care for you, it's the way they are. Those are the types of people you need to avoid like the plague.

 

Your key takeaway and harsh lesson learned from your bad experience is that you became wiser, your radar is up and you've suddenly become a good read of people from now on. From now on, you will learn to protect yourself and keep your self safe. You'll avoid abnormal, mentally ill, toxic, dysfunctional people. Same with alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. If anyone is off to you or doesn't ring true, run for the hills. Those are all red flags. :eek: This is how I am nowadays. Be wary and jaded because it's survival for you to be this way. Become a good judge of character. Become very picky and choosy from now on. Live and learn.

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If he's sincere about repaying his debts owed to you, then only transfer funds electronically such as online baking, direct deposit to your PayPal account and the like; no other way. Never meet him in person. Those days are over.

 

If you know that he will not honor his debts nor have any intentions whatsoever to repay you, then seriously move on with your life. In order to move on, you need an attitude adjustment.

 

 

 

Whenever my past friendships had failed (friendship in my case), it was painful at first to part ways and I felt so resentful and bitter for a long time. However, what helped me was permanent zero contact, ignoring, ghosting, blocking and deleting. Then the transition to move on is easier because your EX becomes "out of sight, out of mind" mentality for you. Then many months and years pass by and eventually, he'll become a distant memory and then nothing but a blur. Weeks, months and years will go by when they never enter your mind anymore. They're gone and vanished into thin air. Poof! They disappear forever. You have to do this for your mental survival.

 

Regarding those who don't care for you, it's the way they are. Those are the types of people you need to avoid like the plague.

 

Your key takeaway and harsh lesson learned from your bad experience is that you became wiser, your radar is up and you've suddenly become a good read of people from now on. From now on, you will learn to protect yourself and keep your self safe. You'll avoid abnormal, mentally ill, toxic, dysfunctional people. Same with alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. If anyone is off to you or doesn't ring true, run for the hills. Those are all red flags. :eek: This is how I am nowadays. Be wary and jaded because it's survival for you to be this way. Become a good judge of character. Become very picky and choosy from now on. Live and learn.

 

 

And what a harsh lesson this is. I am so broken , some times it feels like I will never be happy again , I will never stop crying, I will always be lonely . It is sad , my naivety is gone , poof . I will never trust another person fully , I will always be guarded, it was one of the few things I liked about myself. I was giving, trusting loving , open , I’m afraid that is gone , as part of me and I will never be whole again.

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And what a harsh lesson this is. I am so broken , some times it feels like I will never be happy again , I will never stop crying, I will always be lonely . It is sad , my naivety is gone , poof . I will never trust another person fully , I will always be guarded, it was one of the few things I liked about myself. I was giving, trusting loving , open , I’m afraid that is gone , as part of me and I will never be whole again.

 

Don’t be so dramatic!!

 

It’s fine to trust someone when no reason not to. That’s normal and healthy.

 

You “trusted” someone who had already proven to not be trustworthy. That’s not healthy and never has a good outcome.

The qualities you describe of yourself are good qualities. But you trusted someone who displayed none of those. Why?

 

It’s not all about you , it’s also about the person you are with and choose to be with.

You chose to be with him despite not sharing qualities you posess but also admire and are proud of.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself because of your poor choices , instead try understand why you with all these great qualities made a poor choice??

Despite being loving , trusting, giving etc , do you suffer from low self esteem for example??

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Don’t be so dramatic!!

 

It’s fine to trust someone when no reason not to. That’s normal and healthy.

 

Agreed. Don't become abnormal and decrepit just to prove a point.

 

It's senseless and it's not going to matter to him or anyone else one bit.

 

You're the only one who will suffer, and for what? Because you made an error of judgment?

 

Big deal. Everyone does it.

 

Don't go self-destructing for no good reason.

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