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Thread: Is there a change to get my ex back or rekindle?

  1. #1
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    Is there a change to get my ex back or rekindle?

    So me and my ex (we're both mid 20's in age) split after a 11 month relationship. She ended it as I lost my respect for myself which caused her to lose respect for me. After multiple attempts and hints that I should stop putting her on a pedal stool and reconnect with my friends (which I didn't follow through with for either) she told me that she had enough and although she loved me, she needed no stress in her life (caused by the relationship becoming negative as I didn't respect myself, put her on a pedal stool and asked reassurance - basically I was no longer the man she dated).

    I told her I can change but she told me that "the door of our relationship isn't completely shut, that there's a part of me that wants to be convinced we should give it another go, but I can't deal with the stress of waiting for you change as you have said multiple times before that you would but never did. So I need to leave here knowing I don't have to stress anymore."

    It's been a couple days since the break up. I've understood where I went wrong and accepted the fact that the ending of the relationship was due to my actions throughout our time together (always available, not respecting myself, needing assurance and putting her on a pedal stool).

    I know I need to focus on myself, work on myself and find the man I once was before/during first few months with her, after all, he was there so it's not like he is just a fantasy.

    Strange thing is that she reached out that evening after break up (which was a peaceful and happy crying break up followed by sex an hour later). Just asking how my evening was? I replied next day basically just saying it was good. She then replied saying how am I doing. I replied saying I'm doing well , what about her, and she then told me that her minds all over the place.

    Is she fishing for my emotional support?

    Is she testing me?

    Or is she already maybe having doubts?

    She knew that I'd know that she wouldn't be 100% okay, I mean who is 100% after ending a loving relationship anyway.

    She's the kindest soul, never spoke behind anyone's back once in all the 10 months I've known her so she's not a game player.

    BTW I'm her first love. They always say you never forget your first love...

    Any thoughts, experiences or advice is welcome!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    People do break up and get back together, sometimes successfully, most often jaggedly and temporarily, so of course it's possible. But I don't think anyone can really tell you if there's a chance. Time, ultimately, has the answer to that question.

    And so the question becomes: How to spend that time? How to use it? How to respect it? What I'd say is that if you spend it in little back-and-forths like you've described, and obsessing about whether those back-and-forths are the seeds to rekindling, that you are increasing your odds of (a) not getting back together and/or (b) ensuring that if you do get back together it won't be a healthy or sustainable relationship 2.0.

    She's confused, you're confused. She's hurting, you're hurting. That's all humans in the wake of a breakup, regardless of the situation, and it's base level human nature to seek out the other person ("Hey, wanted to see how you're doing?" etc.) to soothe and soften that hurt and confusion. That's all that is. Not a test, not a display of doubts, but just a human being flailing a bit. No one likes to hurt another person, so if you tell her you're doing okay she can feel a little better with her choice.

    So, my advice? Gracefully let her know you're going to be taking time to heal, moving forward. Respect the hardest facts here: that she does not want to be with you right now, that she has told you this clear as day, and that you've got some self-work to do to be the man you want to be inside a committed relationship, be it with her or someone else. You're not going to become that man in 72 hours—more like six months, a year—and the hardest part of all is accepting that you might not get to be that man with her. That has to be okay. Only way to grow is let go, fully, and trust that time knows your rewards for growth more than you.

    Sounds hard, I know, but you're here right now, in part, because you made her the sun around which you orbit. You've got become your own star. Whatever that means for you two in the future, it's needed for you, and not something you can do if you're measuring stick for self-worth is her, you know?

  3. #3
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    I think you should start by working on yourself, and you need to understand why you made this woman your entire world. Not healthy. This will take time.

    You did put her on a pedestal (not petal stool), due to your self esteem issues, and this will impact every aspect of your life if you do not deal with you first.

    It is time that you wish her the best, and tell her you need to go complete no contact for you to work on you. You should not be giving her the benefit of a boyfriend, without any commitment. Do not let her string you along and use you as her therapist and ego boost, until she finds someone else, or she will respect you even less. If you want to show her that you are putting yourself first, them go complete no contact . You need to tell her that she cannot reach out unless she wants full reconciliation.

    Reconnect with friends virtually until this whole virus mess is over. Time to get the old you back.

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    I think you're both totally right. I've not replied to her message about her being all over the place. She probably expected me to soothe things for her but I'm not being her tissue box.

    I have a few questions for you and your opinions:

    1. Why, for pretty much our final words together, both come out and agree that this break up feels that it isn't the end for us? And to meet up in a couple of weeks. (For my part anyway, I didn't say this from a pleading needy place, as I accepted the end of the relationship, but from a place that I believed we would, like just a feeling, fate.

    2. She's a stubborn girl, who has said herself that she's struggled with stubbornness and reaching out to people for a fear of rejection. So why would she ever reach out to me? She's a serious guilty sufferer type.

    3. To reply to you Hollyj, when you said "you need to tell her that she cannot reach out unless she wants full reconciliation", I know this is for the right intentions for personal growth, but could this be seen as a "desperate last attempt to get her/a threat"? As when the break up chat started, I told her that if we broke up then she would have to face not being able to hear from me again (I didn't mean it as manipulation or a threat, but from how I would want to handle the break up), but she replied saying that I shouldn't say threats like that. She doesn't handle threats well, even things that she is misinterpreting as a threat...

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You are risking setting yourself to be her friend and to hold her hand while she weans herself slowly from you.
    When someone decides to end a relationship it isn't a crime or a form of manipulation to say you need some space and that space may very well mean not speaking to each other.

    Even those who choose to leave a relationship second guess themselves and grieve. It doesn't mean they will change their mind to return.

    If the very thing she wants from you is to be less selfless, she'd likely respect you if you told her you needed to take care of yourself and if by not communicating is a way to grow, then that's what you do. Her inferring that it's a threat is being manipulative on her part. And it worked. It stopped you from doing what you felt you needed to in order to feel better about this.

    You don't do it as a threat and she can't control the terms of the breakup anyway. You two are no longer a team.

    Being available to her is just more of the same. You are putting her comfort above your own.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'll start with your questions.

    1. I think a lot, if not most, people feel this way when a relationship is ending: that it isn't really the end, in short. Understandable. All the history, to say nothing of all the feelings, which don't vanish with the end of the relationship—it's a lot to process. Think of the end of an amazing vacation. "I'll be back for sure," you always say, and you always mean it—in the moment. Then time happens, and you often find yourself drawn to new destinations more than heading back. Speaking for myself: I'm 40, have been in 4 long term relationships in my life, and with the exception of one, I didn't believe we were "over over" when we broke up. Got back together with one for a bit, but the others? We were over. We just hadn't processed the full weight of it. Takes time.

    2. It's really not worth analyzing. I say it a lot on this site, but the best way to understand it is she reached out to you for the same reason I ate a piece of candy two hours ago. She felt like it. It's simply not as loaded as you want it to be. She's a person, with feelings, and for whatever reason she felt, for a moment, that reaching out was a good idea. So she did it. Doesn't move the needle one way or another, but just creates static.

    3. Not answering for Holly, but: It's only desperate or a threat if you don't mean it. When my last relationship ended? There was some static afterward, as there always is, and I let her know, clearly and kindly, that the only communication I was up for was that of getting back together. That was, for a time, my truth. And I stuck to it, ignoring some pokes from her, respecting myself and respecting that she had ears that heard my truth. During the turbulent moment you're in right now? I was glad to have put that out there, firmly, so I didn't get blown around too much by my own feelings and by wracking my brain to analyze messages from her that fell short of wanting to get back together.

    These early days are so hard. Time moves in a weird way, everything is loaded. That's the head and heart—the spirit—adjusting, kind of how eyes take moment to adjust when going from a dark room into the light, or vise versa. Try to accept that, much as you can, without thinking it always needs a reaction. You're not playing chess right now, but just feeling some very hard feelings. It's feeling them, and feeling your way through them, that will provide more stability than reacting to them.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Both of you are insecure and unstable. You are the one who should take action and tell her: "With all due respect, it's time to go our separate ways." Both of you need permanent time and space to figure yourselves out and become normal. If she's relentless and doesn't take you seriously, ignore, ghost, block and delete. Then both of you can heal without distractions.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Basicboybria
    I think you're both totally right. I've not replied to her message about her being all over the place. She probably expected me to soothe things for her but I'm not being her tissue box.

    I have a few questions for you and your opinions:

    1. Why, for pretty much our final words together, both come out and agree that this break up feels that it isn't the end for us? And to meet up in a couple of weeks. (For my part anyway, I didn't say this from a pleading needy place, as I accepted the end of the relationship, but from a place that I believed we would, like just a feeling, fate.

    2. She's a stubborn girl, who has said herself that she's struggled with stubbornness and reaching out to people for a fear of rejection. So why would she ever reach out to me? She's a serious guilty sufferer type.

    3. To reply to you Hollyj, when you said "you need to tell her that she cannot reach out unless she wants full reconciliation", I know this is for the right intentions for personal growth, but could this be seen as a "desperate last attempt to get her/a threat"? As when the break up chat started, I told her that if we broke up then she would have to face not being able to hear from me again (I didn't mean it as manipulation or a threat, but from how I would want to handle the break up), but she replied saying that I shouldn't say threats like that. She doesn't handle threats well, even things that she is misinterpreting as a threat...
    Not at all. I think it comes from a place of strength, so that she cannot mess you about. Put yourself first!

    Most dumpers say there is a possibility of a future, it is a string along; otherwise, you would not continue hanging on.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You two have gotten used to each other and the daily contact. It's strange to totally go no contact so abruptly. To me, that's what those little messages are about. It's slowly weaning away, putting baby oil on the Bandaid and slowly peeling away, instead of ripping it off.

    IMO, if you'd really cared, you would've heeded her requests and made the reasonable behavior changes she asked for DURING the relationship. On her part, she lost her infatuation for you when nothing changed, and when a woman is done, she's done. She knew that breaking up could most likely mean forever, and she was okay with that. The fact that she messages could also be all about her, and the ego boost that she has a fan in you, even though she has pulled the plug on the romance.

    What you do, as in going no contact unless she contacts you to reconcile, is for your own benefit, and you shouldn't be guessing how she will feel about it or what she thinks of that decision. Basically, she's in your past now, so what she thinks is irrelevant, although it will take you some time to embrace that idea.

    You might find that with time and distance, that you really didn't care as much as you thought you did, and just needed the space to realize it.

  11. #10
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    If she offers a meet up, would you recommended I ignore or say no? I've had mixed replies from my friends. What would I gain in turning that down?

    That could be her wanting to reconcile. She's not the type of girl to ever talk about serious stuff over texting, and never liked doing it over the phone.

    What I've learned from her from general chat in the past, she's not the type to plead for chances even if she wants another chance, she's never been the best when it comes to her communicating what she wants - HECK, she even told me a couple weeks ago that she sucks at communicating what she feels and instead let's her mind runaway with stuff, and that she understands it must be hard for me to cope with that at times.

    I was just speaking to a friend where they broke up, but both parties spoke to each other now and again after the break up. They got together 3 weeks later, and they're 2 years strong now, and must admit they come across much happier than they were when they were previously together.

    So I guess there is success for some

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