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Thread: Fiancťe Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else

  1. #1
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    Fiancťe Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else

    This is something that I need to try & get answers to, hence my post on here.

    Any help would be appreciated.

    I am 40, my now ex fiancťe is 35, we were together for 5 years, engaged for 3 & we have a 2 year old together. We lived together.

    On February 5th this year, completely out of the blue to me, she told me that she didnít think that we were working out & that her feelings for me had changed.

    This totally blindsided me, as I genuinely didnít think that our relationship was bad, I mean we never argued or anything like that.

    I had noticed that prior to this happening, that she had been pretty much glued to her phone in the couple of months prior, but I didnít say anything as I had no reason to not trust her.

    After she had said that, I was obviously stunned & asked her if we can talk about thingís & see if they can be sorted out between us, but she just kept saying that there was nothing to talk about/sort out.

    This was horrible for me, as even 2 days prior to this happening, she was as normal, told me that she loved me etc.

    She would not look at me whilst I was asking her to at least talk about thingís, just kept looking at the floor.

    She then asked if I could move out as she felt it was awkward & because of our baby, I agreed as I didnít want there to be an atmosphere or anything like that for his sake.

    When I left our house, I had to move back to my parents otherwise I had knowhere else to go.

    Unfortunately, my parents stay at the other end of the street, so I cannot do out of sight, out of mind, I sometimes see her & her new guy & it is destroying me so much inside. I get anxious & upset.

    Anyway, since then, she has totally & utterly ignored me, I have NOT bombarded her with calls or messages, but even regarding questions about our baby boy, She has jjust totally ignored like I do not exist anymore.

    It hurts me a lot, especially when it was not an acrimonious break up.

    Around a week & a half later, she got with someone else & it still with him as I write this, he has pretty much moved into the house we shared & is there all the time.

    This is hurting me more than the actual break up. Itís like everything we had doesnít mean anything to her at all.

    I have also since found out, that she already knew this guy prior to us breaking up.

    I also now believe that she was at the very minimum emotionally cheating on me prior to the relationship ending,
    itís also possible that she was cheating physically with him, as she had went off sex with me a good 4-5 months prior to this happening & when I asked her if we were ever going to have sex again, she would just say that she was tired or say of course we are, yet we rarely did despite me trying everything to get us to.

    I never seen these as red flags, as I trusted her completely, I had no reason not to.

    I actually thought that we were alright, just going with the ebb & flow of life in general.

    I am currently up & down with my emotions & feelings, some days are really bad others are ok considering, but as said, itís very hard when we stay in the same street.

    Please can someone help me out here?

    I am deeply lost without her & our baby boy in my life.

    I never thought for a second that she would hurt me or treat me like this. If I was a bad, horrible person towards her, I would understand better, but I was not at all.

    Help me please.

  2. #2
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    I am sorry you are hurting and that she is behaving so badly, but your son is a whole other matter. If she is ignoring you and you arenít seeing him you need to get a lawyer and get a formal arrangement ASAP. You need to see him regularly and be a part his life and donít let her interfere with that. I know right now with the lock downs some courts are closed but a lot of lawyers are working on line, find one.

    You will get through this and you will be fine without her. But you must make sure you are the very best father you can be. I hope you get to the point where you can coparent healthfully, but that may take a while. Get yourself someone to talk to to help you through this. There are specialists Who counsel people going through break ups and divorces and a lot of them are taking online appts at this time.

  3. #3
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    I have been with my boy since the day he came into this world, I was there at her side when he was born.
    I am genuinely hurt & confused as to why she is being like this?
    I did have a hope of us talking & see if thingís could be sorted between us, but I guess that itís not going to happen now?

    I will definitely see a lawyer regarding our boy, I just didnít want to play dirty, as thatís not me.

    Thank you for your reply.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA,

    This whole thing sucks. Being cheated on is the worst betrayal you can ever endure.

    It is hard to believe the woman you loved so deeply and trusted would cheat on you but that is exactly what she did. She has been seeing this guy at least 5 months prior and planning her escape. This guy is exciting and new so she took him for a test drive while you were left in the dark. Her feelings didn't change for you, she just directed them at the new guy and when she figured he was an upgrade she dropped the bomb on you so she could make it official with him but not look like a cheater.

    The facts are that she cheated and dumped you for some new guy. You need to accept that these two facts are real and true. It is hard to accept I know and your head is probably spinning and you can't sleep but you need to keep telling yourself it is over, she isn't the person you thought she was and that you will be okay once you begin to heal. It takes time and a lot of reminding yourself since it is so shocking.

    Is your name on the birth certificate as the father?
    Have there been any discussions on custody?
    Do you have joint accounts of any kind?
    Is there anything you own jointly?
    Are you on the lease?

    My advice right now is to seek legal advice to protect your parental rights. Then figure out the financial situation from the questions I asked above.

    Be smart, don't make any promises, don't threaten or say anything that could be construed as harmful and never confront the other guy. Think twice and think again before you do or say anything and run it past your parents before you say or do it. You are in shock and are not thinking clearly right now so relay on trusted people in your life.

    This was not your fault. She chose to cheat on you and there is no reason or excuse in the world to justify or make it okay or your fault. This is all on her so never allow her to try and lay even the slightest blame on you. Right now your number one priority is a custody agreement you both can agree on. There is some good news on that front as she is so focused on her new bf that she may want you to have your child more often so if you see an opening go for it.

    What is done is done and you cannot figure it out, you cannot undo it and you cannot fix her so she will snap out of it and things can go back to the way they used to be. Acceptance is your friend...

    Keep posting, it helps

    Lost

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    As much as this hurts, you need to acknowledge that she was cheating on you. This didn't come out of the blue. Yes, you trusted her because you are a sane, caring, loving person. Unfortunately, you are now facing reality that your ex is anything but that. Painful and disorienting for sure, but you must face that horrible reality and get angry. Please call around and get legal advice. Moving out just because she asked you to.....was probably the wrong move, but hopefully can be remedied with some good legal help. You need to get angry for being taken for such a fool and you need a pitbull lawyer to give you some advice on how to handle this. Most importantly, you need to grow a spine and get mad, really mad. You know what's damaging to YOUR child right now? Seeing mom with another man while dad is out of sight. That should give fuel to any lawyer to fight for your rights as a father. This woman knowingly, intentionally, consciously duped you and cheated on you - nothing to pine about. This is war, OP. Like it or not you've been thrown into it and since you have a child to protect from this creep of a woman....better arm yourself. Lawyers do have phone consultations even with the virus thing going on.

    For additional support please check out chumplady.com blog and she also has a book "leave a cheater gain a life" - it's for those who are going exactly through what you are going through - dealing with this kind of betrayal and how to manage that. I tend to recommend it on here because it gives the unvarnished truth about the person you are dealing with and what to expect. The community is a mixed bag....but...even so lots of support for those who have been cheated on and have children and custody to manage.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Consulting an attorney to protect your rights as a father and to be there as a father for your child is not "playing dirty". I don't understand why you would see it as that.

    Your child is innocent and cannot understand the sudden changes in his life. Please set aside your hurt for now so you can do right by him.

    As for her, a lying, deceitful cheater is no one you want back in your life. As a good man, your life would be better enhanced by a quality woman. When you're ready, you might feel strong enough to pursue a new relationship. For now focus on your child.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need a lawyer and NOW. Work out a custody agreement for the child.

    I would bet money she'd been seeing this guy for a lot longer than 5 months. These things dont happen overnight.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I agree about consulting with an attorney.

    If youíre the kind of person who can turn anger into a productive thing thatís great advice above. Iím sure many people use anger to fuel productive pursuits. It might also be that there will be ďmore than enoughĒ anger as you process and grieve what happened with your ex. If thatís the case, it might not always be wise to make decisions from a place of anger. What worked out best in my own divorce were the decisions I made from a place of love. Love for my kids and love for myself.

    Iím sorry youíre going through this - hopefully you keep posting here for input and clarity as new decisions need to be made in the evolution of your co-parenting relationship/dissolution of your romantic relationship.

    Best wishes!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Welcome to ENA,

    This whole thing sucks. Being cheated on is the worst betrayal you can ever endure.

    It is hard to believe the woman you loved so deeply and trusted would cheat on you but that is exactly what she did. She has been seeing this guy at least 5 months prior and planning her escape. This guy is exciting and new so she took him for a test drive while you were left in the dark. Her feelings didn't change for you, she just directed them at the new guy and when she figured he was an upgrade she dropped the bomb on you so she could make it official with him but not look like a cheater.

    The facts are that she cheated and dumped you for some new guy. You need to accept that these two facts are real and true. It is hard to accept I know and your head is probably spinning and you can't sleep but you need to keep telling yourself it is over, she isn't the person you thought she was and that you will be okay once you begin to heal. It takes time and a lot of reminding yourself since it is so shocking.

    Is your name on the birth certificate as the father?
    Have there been any discussions on custody?
    Do you have joint accounts of any kind?
    Is there anything you own jointly?
    Are you on the lease?

    My advice right now is to seek legal advice to protect your parental rights. Then figure out the financial situation from the questions I asked above.

    Be smart, don't make any promises, don't threaten or say anything that could be construed as harmful and never confront the other guy. Think twice and think again before you do or say anything and run it past your parents before you say or do it. You are in shock and are not thinking clearly right now so relay on trusted people in your life.

    This was not your fault. She chose to cheat on you and there is no reason or excuse in the world to justify or make it okay or your fault. This is all on her so never allow her to try and lay even the slightest blame on you. Right now your number one priority is a custody agreement you both can agree on. There is some good news on that front as she is so focused on her new bf that she may want you to have your child more often so if you see an opening go for it.

    What is done is done and you cannot figure it out, you cannot undo it and you cannot fix her so she will snap out of it and things can go back to the way they used to be. Acceptance is your friend...

    Keep posting, it helps

    Lost
    Hi, my head is indeed spinning, I am completely destroyed & deeply hurt at all of this. As you said, the betrayal hurts worse more than anything & I never suspected a thing.

    As for our boy, yes I am on the birth certificate, I donít have any doubts about me not being his father,He is definitely mine & he is my double.

    As for discussions regarding our boy, thatís the sore point, she has totally ignored me since this happened, as in like I do not exist anymore, ghosted to put a term on it.
    I have messaged her to ask if I could see/get him & it has been totally ignored point blank. I even emailed her & the same thing happened, it has cut me deep to the core.

    You are right about not approaching her new guy, I admit I did think of that about a month & a half ago, but I did not & do not want to make things hard for the future.

    The house we shared was her house, she had that when I met her 5 years ago, so I am not on the tenancy agreement unfortunately, although I did contribute to the rent & bills, food etc. I moved out because I did not want there to be an atmosphere in the house because of our boy.

    I can see that she was cheating on me now, I didnít at the time we broke up.
    Itís the whole thing, I cannot get my head around it all & why she would completely cut me off, I am not a bad person, I just want a quiet life & as I said, it was not an acrimonious break up, I left because she didnít want to talk about anything no matter what I said/asked.

    The other thing is, it has destroyed any future trust in me, should I meet someone else in the distant future, I am not willing to get involved in another relationship to be set up for this hurt & pain. It is effecting my mental health, I keep waking up in the early hours of the morning & cannot get back to sleep at all, I never used to have this problem, itís been the last 5-6 weeks this has been happening, itís killing me.

    I loved her so much, treated her right, bought her all the vehicles that she has had & the one she has now, bought her gifts, flowers, perfume, real diamond jewellery, decorated the house from top to bottom & more, just to give her & us a good life. Yet it now seems to mean nothing whatsoever to her.

    I am going to see my GP as I think I may be bordering on depression, & I do know that I am suffering from anxiety.

    3 months ago, I was the happiest, go lucky man & now I am a broken, destroyed & deeply hurt man.

    Sorry for going on, I am just deeply deeply hurt, I am crying as I write this.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    As much as this hurts, you need to acknowledge that she was cheating on you. This didn't come out of the blue. Yes, you trusted her because you are a sane, caring, loving person. Unfortunately, you are now facing reality that your ex is anything but that. Painful and disorienting for sure, but you must face that horrible reality and get angry. Please call around and get legal advice. Moving out just because she asked you to.....was probably the wrong move, but hopefully can be remedied with some good legal help. You need to get angry for being taken for such a fool and you need a pitbull lawyer to give you some advice on how to handle this. Most importantly, you need to grow a spine and get mad, really mad. You know what's damaging to YOUR child right now? Seeing mom with another man while dad is out of sight. That should give fuel to any lawyer to fight for your rights as a father. This woman knowingly, intentionally, consciously duped you and cheated on you - nothing to pine about. This is war, OP. Like it or not you've been thrown into it and since you have a child to protect from this creep of a woman....better arm yourself. Lawyers do have phone consultations even with the virus thing going on.

    For additional support please check out chumplady.com blog and she also has a book "leave a cheater gain a life" - it's for those who are going exactly through what you are going through - dealing with this kind of betrayal and how to manage that. I tend to recommend it on here because it gives the unvarnished truth about the person you are dealing with and what to expect. The community is a mixed bag....but...even so lots of support for those who have been cheated on and have children and custody to manage.
    Thatís another thing that does really get to me, her new guy in our old house with my boy, & you have hit the nail on the head as I imagine that it will be confusing for him also, I put him to bed the night before this happened, yet the next day, I was gone because of his mum. I have thought about that. My boy is at the age where he could quite easily forget about me & that is something that gets to me.
    Itís just extremely hard when I am being blatantly ignored by her, I canít get through to her.

    My mum did say that I should have stayed when my ex asked me to leave, my mum said even until I got her to talk/answer me. Yet, I thought that it was for the best to leave because I didnít want there to be an atmosphere in the house for our boy, he wasnít brought up in that kind of environment.

    I will definitely get a good lawyer, itís hard at the moment due to the coronavirus situation & lockdown.
    I just need to get it through my head that she has deeply betrayed me & then treated me like dirt afterwards. I am not an angry person, thatís what is hard, my Dad is the opposite, he is a good natured guy, but takes no nonsense from anyone & he can also handle himself should the need arise, whereas me, Iím the opposite, I would rather not get angry even when pushed. Thatís my problem I know, & not what I need advice about.

    Thank you to everyone who has commented, for not sugar coating anything & making me face the cold, hard reality of things. Itís appreciated.

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