Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 8 of 10 FirstFirst ... 5678910 LastLast
Results 71 to 80 of 91

Thread: Fiancée Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else

  1. #71
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2020
    Posts
    32
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Yes, regular calls, videochats are important to your son and then regular visits when the lock down is lifted. Ask for regular scheduled calls and videochats. Ad hoc is confusing. Suggest setting them up at mutually convenient regular times/days. Do not do last minute or spontaneous. Be brief and focused in your communication to her.

    For example: "I would like to set up regular calls and videochats with [son] at a mutually convenient time". Do not mention that she didn't call etc. Try to make your communication a written log of your dedication in contacting/visiting your son, so you have proof when you contact an attorney of your focused efforts. If your communication is too frequent or focused on her her bf etc it will work against you. Never make it about her, her promises, her bf etc. Ever.
    Thank you Wiseman, that is exactly what I will say in the email tomorrow, tell her that I would like to make it at regular days & times that are convenient for her also.

    I also have not & will not mention her new guy, as that could cause trouble & I am aware of that & don’t want to do so.

    I am still deeply deeply hurting from this all, this morning I woke up @ 5:45am & could not get back to sleep at all,
    I think it’s possibly caused by the stress and anxiety of the last couple of months, as it’s been crazy the last 4-5 weeks, waking up at irregular times in the early hours of the morning, delayed shock perhaps, I don’t know but I will tell the doctor when I speak/see them at the end of this week.

    I just wish that there was a way to immediately take away the pain & all the thoughts running around in my head. She seems to have moved on, no worries at all, doesn’t care about me & yet I am like this??
    It’s driving me crazy, but in a horrible way.

    Thank you all for listening to me & the advice. I will update when I have news tomorrow (if she gets back to me)

  2. #72
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,087
    Gender
    Male
    Excellent. This virus thing is knocking the wind out of most of us. Add to that the recent heartache, move, adjustments, etc and naturally it will be very stressful. Go easy on yourself.
    Originally Posted by Hurt Man
    I will tell the doctor when I speak/see them at the end of this week.

  3. #73
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    56
    Posts
    7,980
    Gender
    Male
    Hurt,

    There is no need to force yourself to stop caring about her. It will happen in time but you do need to be mindful of how those feelings may affect very important choices you have to make. You are human not a robot so give yourself a break.

    I know you sit and wonder how she could do this so easily just like I did once upon a time. I have learned that cheaters don't live in the same world we do. They live in a world where only their wants are paramount and the extreme selfishness they embody or embodies them controls everything. She chose the worst possible way to handle all of this and now it appears she is so aloof and uncaring towards you and does it so easily. I actually saw a smirk on my wife's face when I finally got her to admit to her cheating. It is like they are a totally different person from who you THOUGHT you knew, and in a way they are. I can tell you that it is not so easy for them and they do second guess their choices, sit and worry what others will think of them, worry how their own children will view them and on and on. To combat this they often simply ignore the problem they created and focus on the high of their new lover. Many times their new lover is the one that helped convince them it will all work out so they become codependent in a way.

    Does this mean she will snap out of it? No it doesn't. it simply means she will do anything to keep from facing the truths of what she has done. That means avoiding it at all costs, rewriting history, becoming angry when confronted with truths they cannot ignore and lashing out when their fantasy life is threatened.

    She figured she would replace you with this new guy (a guy that by the way has no problem sleeping with a woman in a committed relationship) and live happily ever after. Right now reality is being kept at bay by the fantasy but soon enough reality will come calling and her life will not be a fantasy any longer. Trust me on this as I have seen it personally and on here over and over again. The guy my ex cheated on me with was a total loser but she could not see it. One day the shine wore off enough for her to see her soul mate (her words) was a pile of crap. Then the fights started and she took her anger out on me since she couldn't admit she chose a loser so it had to be my fault. Be prepared so you can see these things coming and know how you will NOT REACT to them.

    So right now you actually have the advantage. Yes I know you are thinking I am crazy for saying that but think about it. Your main focus is your son and getting to be with him as much as humanly possible. Her focus is on her new man and the fantasy. Also even though you are hurting your mind is actually clearer than hers because you are living in reality and she is not. The time to act is now so do not wait for things to get better, make them better through action. This will also give you some feeling of control over your own destiny once again.

    Playing the long game is what worked best for me and it will work for you as well. This is a chess game and the first moves can be crucial to the overall outcome. I think you will do the right thing but it cannot happen from making gut choices or reacting to her, it has to come from a well thought out plan with choices already decided. What is your ultimate goal? What are you willing to give up to get what you want? What are you willing to act like you really want so you can give that up later to get what you really want? These things need to be thought out and written down so you can revisit these ideas and plans. Plus it gives you something to do.

    So first things first. Where is your boy going to sleep when he stays with you? Notice I said "stays with you" and not visits? Your home is his home no matter where that may be but he needs his own room if possible. The court may ask you this so start planning and setting it up. You want his time with you to be a family setting, not a sleep over. Leverage the time you have now to make plans and do what you can so you are ready. It doesn't have to be perfect but it has to be something.

    Keep posting and remember plenty of others have been where you are now and are even better than before once they got on a good path.

    Lost

  4. #74
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,709
    Still checking in. Hope you're doing okay, Hurt.

    If no one has told you lately, you're not alone and although it's very hard right now, you are doing well even if it's feels like you're not.

  5.  

  6. #75
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2020
    Posts
    32
    I thought I would update on things.

    My ex has not replied to my email I sent 2 days ago regarding contact/FaceTime with my son. Just completely ignored again. This has set me back again, I am very very upset & hurt that she is doing this, it’s like I don’t exist to her anymore.
    I have spoken with a good lawyer & he is going to write to her regarding our baby boy & contact & take things from there.
    I also had the doctors & have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety.
    I have been recommended for therapy & if that doesn’t help, medication instead.

    I don’t know if there is anyway out of how I am feeling now, the glimmer of light at the tunnel I had is now well & truly gone. I feel so low, my family have tried to pick me up, but I cannot snap out of it.

    This is the most hurtful, horrible thing I have ever experienced in my life.
    I am not a bad person & certainly would not have treated her the way she has treated me.

    Sorry that it’s not a happy update, I did have some hope that it would be, but, that has been completely crushed now.

  7. #76
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    472
    Very sorry to hear that. I am glad you talked to a lawyer and got that moving. And glad you spoke with a doctor. This will pass.

  8. #77
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    56
    Posts
    7,980
    Gender
    Male
    Hurt,

    I believe some of your pain is coming from the expectation that she will do the right thing and treat you and your rights as the father like you are treating her. THIS IS A HUGE MISTAKE and will tear you down over and over again. You are putting your hopes of this being okay on a woman that has done all this to you and is keeping your son from you. Can you see the problem?

    Remember when I told you to stop viewing her with the same loving care you once felt for her? This is your most vulnerable spot in all this. You get your hopes up because you think she will do right by you and then she doesn't and you are crushed once again.

    Remember that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" You need to start assuming she will make this as hard and hurtful on you as possible so if anything good happens it will be a plus not another heartbreaking let down.

    It appears to me that you think you should be handling this better. I think you are doing great under the circumstances. Think about it. It takes time to get your feet back under you after this type of shock. You will be fine so just hold on and keep making the smart moves based on logic and the law. Emotions will not solve this since she has disconnected herself emotionally.

    You spoke to a good lawyer so there is more than a glimmer in that tunnel. You have the law on your side and the more she keeps your son away from you the worst she will look in the courts eyes. There is a lot to see as a positive so try and focus on that.

    Keep posting and keep moving forward. Your son will be with you soon enough so get to work on the things I told you to prepare for him. You want your home to be his home where ever that is. The court is going to want to know the living conditions too so get after it!!!

    Lost

  9. #78
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,087
    Gender
    Male
    Excellent. Take care of your health and hopefully an attorney letter will start the ball rolling of regular contact with your son. Good you could document your attempts to have sustained regular contact so the attorney has a place to start with her.
    Originally Posted by Hurt Man
    I have spoken with a good lawyer & he is going to write to her regarding our baby boy & contact & take things from there.
    I also had the doctors & have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety. I have been recommended for therapy & if that doesn’t help, medication instead.

  10. #79
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2020
    Posts
    32
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Hurt,

    I believe some of your pain is coming from the expectation that she will do the right thing and treat you and your rights as the father like you are treating her. THIS IS A HUGE MISTAKE and will tear you down over and over again. You are putting your hopes of this being okay on a woman that has done all this to you and is keeping your son from you. Can you see the problem?

    Remember when I told you to stop viewing her with the same loving care you once felt for her? This is your most vulnerable spot in all this. You get your hopes up because you think she will do right by you and then she doesn't and you are crushed once again.

    Remember that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" You need to start assuming she will make this as hard and hurtful on you as possible so if anything good happens it will be a plus not another heartbreaking let down.

    It appears to me that you think you should be handling this better. I think you are doing great under the circumstances. Think about it. It takes time to get your feet back under you after this type of shock. You will be fine so just hold on and keep making the smart moves based on logic and the law. Emotions will not solve this since she has disconnected herself emotionally.

    You spoke to a good lawyer so there is more than a glimmer in that tunnel. You have the law on your side and the more she keeps your son away from you the worst she will look in the courts eyes. There is a lot to see as a positive so try and focus on that.

    Keep posting and keep moving forward. Your son will be with you soon enough so get to work on the things I told you to prepare for him. You want your home to be his home where ever that is. The court is going to want to know the living conditions too so get after it!!!

    Lost
    I understand what you are saying Lost, & You are correct, I just keep hoping that she will perhaps come round despite everything that she has done. It’s my fault I know, but despite everything, I find it hard to feel hate towards her like most people in my situation would, I am not like that & that’s my problem I guess.

    I do have to separate my feelings & emotions I feel towards her, as I did not plan to be feeling the way I feel now, I was not depressed or suffering from anxiety just 3 months ago & didn’t ever think that I would. Yet here we are.

    I do see some light at the end of the tunnel regarding my baby boy & seeing him again, that is a positive definitely, I just need to wait until the lawyer has written to her & wait on the next step going forward, she might just ignore the lawyers letter also, I hope not though.

    It’s just my feelings towards my ex fiancée that I am struggling with & that is tough for me.

    You’re advice is something that I need to read over & over to get it through my head. I appreciate your words Lost, you are a sensible person, I just need to try act upon them.

    Thank you.

  11. #80
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2020
    Posts
    32
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Excellent. Take care of your health and hopefully an attorney letter will start the ball rolling of regular contact with your son. Good you could document your attempts to have sustained regular contact so the attorney has a place to start with her.
    I will try my best to take care of my health Wiseman, it’s my head that is a mess & as Lost said, I have to stop hoping for things to change on my ex’s behalf.

    I have to wait for the lawyers letter to her to see what happens next, but there is nothing to stop her just ignoring that also.
    However, I hope that she doesn’t, I have not physically seen in person & held & cuddled my boy since February & that is a horrible thing to feel.

    I just need to get my head together & face up to it, she is not going to come round to anything now & I need to tell myself to accept that.

    Thank you for your words Wiseman, I appreciate it.

Page 8 of 10 FirstFirst ... 5678910 LastLast

Videos


Cheating Husbands Are at Risk of a Heart Attack

Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •