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Thread: Fiancée Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else

  1. #61
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why can't you make a video message of yourself to your son and send it? Without mentioning her bf, your rights, your relationship etc. Simply title it "For [son's name]". The frequent reference to her bf could be construed as harassing her and with that shooting yourself in the foot.

    No innuendos, no grandstanding, no backhanded references, no emotion.. Just send a prerecorded video addressed to and for him. Dragging your child in the middle of this is a huge mistake.

  2. #62
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why can't you make a video message of yourself to your son and send it? Without mentioning her bf, your rights, your relationship etc. Simply title it "For [son's name]". The frequent reference to her bf could be construed as harassing her and with that shooting yourself in the foot.

    No innuendos, no grandstanding, no backhanded references, no emotion.. Just send a prerecorded video addressed to and for him. Dragging your child in the middle of this is a huge mistake.
    Hi Wiseman, I have not mentioned her new bf to her at all, I think I didn’t make that clear in my post on here yesterday, My fault there.

    That was me saying that she is obviously too busy with her new bf (not to her, or part of the original email), I should have worded that better. Apologies.

    I emailed her again this morning regarding our boy, Again, I kept it strictly about our boy only again & contact/seeing him on FaceTime, with no mention of her new guy whatsoever. I have never mentioned anything about him to her at all.

    Well, about 2 hours ago, I got a FaceTime call from her, & I finally, finally got to see my boy, it was hard to keep on top of my emotions when I saw him, but I managed to do so.
    He was all smiles & it melted me inside.

    I spoke to him for 10 minutes or so, then asked her could we at least make this every 2 days, as seeing him & him knowing who I am & maintaining that is very important to me, & surprisingly, she actually spoke to me & she agreed & before the end of the call, she said that she would call me again in a couple of days.

    I also asked her how he has been getting on, as the first 3 years of a baby’s development are critical & important.
    She told me that he has been good & is obviously coming on & developing as he should be, but yes, that is a bit of weight off of my shoulders, it’s not ideal in that I cannot actually get him at the moment,due to this virus lockdown, but was good to see him again & it was good to see that he was happy to see me & does still remember me.
    It was also good to be able to speak to her, even if it was just about our boy.

    I will see what happens in the next couple of days & fingers crossed, she keeps her word.

    I am still going to go see my GP & look up a Lawyer though, as she may just change again in the next couple of days. But so far, it’s a small step forward & hopefully upwards.

  3. #63
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you/they under quarantine? If so she is not depriving you of contact/virtual visitation. So what can the attorney do for you in your area? She seems reasonable, once you calm down about her new bf and focus on your son.

    She doesn't need lectures on the importance of parenting. Try not to harass her it will work against you. Not much more an attorney can do except help you file court papers outlining specific contact modalities, times and intervals. However she already agreed, so?
    Originally Posted by Hurt Man
    asked her could we at least make this every 2 days, & she agreed & before the end of the call, she said that she would call me again in a couple of days. I am still going to go see my GP & look up a Lawyer though

  4. #64
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    She can withdraw the calls at any time. Anyone who has gone through a contentious separation or divorce can attest to this.

    A visitation agreement, filed IN COURT, is the best way to go. Also a support agreement in case she does get hostile and tries to claim you aren't financially providing. Even those who swore it would never happen have had that happen, so it's best to have agreements filed in court.

    It's in everyone's best interest; the child's, yours and hers.

  5.  

  6. #65
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree..PLEASE visit an attorney. DO NOT TRUST HER. Without court orders, she can walk anytime and leave you with no rights to your son whatsoever.

    You need to get it in legal writing and court ordered that you have your parentals rights and it's no longer in her hands whether she allows you to see or talk to him. Make sure you take that power away from her and have the courts decide.
    I know of parents who trusted their ex and ended up not seeing their child for years and years. So please heed the warning.

    I really am so glad that you got to see him though!! It must have been so emotional and yet a huge step forward to finally being able to see and talk to him.

    You sound like a smart man, I know you know this is no longer about her and this is about your son. In time, your heartache will heal, even if it takes longer than you'd like...IT WILL HEAL. One day you will wake up and it won't bother you anymore that she left. Yes, I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true.
    But the one thing that will never change, is that you are your son's dad and he is yours. He will always, always need you and love you.
    Hold onto that.

    I hope you are okay today. Thinking of you, as I know how tough this all can be.

  7. #66
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Just chiming in to say I'm really happy you got to see your son. Hopefully it becomes a regular thing, without more whiplash, and starts paving the way for you two to establish an amicable and productive co-parenting relationship. Probably feels a bit like imagining yourself scaling Everest on a unicycle at the moment, but it's doable. It's a thing people do. I'm the product of that kind of family—a real family, in my mind, not a broken version—and am today, at the same age you are, the partner of someone with a pretty inspiring co-parenting arrangement.

    Along with others, I think getting all that hammered out, legally, is key. It will be a process. That's what talking to a lawyer is for: not prepping for battle, but for peace. Doesn't need to be a vindictive war—and, ideally, it won't be. Time will determine that, and you do need to be prepared for anything. One need only to look at the present state of the world today to see what hoping for the best without preparing for the worst can look like.

    So keep doing what you're doing now, making these talks regular, setting up visits if possible with your quarantine rules, and setting up that schedule together, not just on her terms. Once you've spoken to a lawyer, and learned more about the workings of that, you can talk to her about that: all business. Some couples can do all the filing without two lawyers involved, some can't. Some use a mediator. Options, options: figure out which works for you, and which will ensure that (a) she can't just ghost in the future and (b) if she does (just as if you go off the chain down the line) there is a system in place that exists only to keep your son secure, not blown around by the winds and whims of adult emotions.

    And, of course, don't be shy in coming here, or anywhere else that offers a salve, when you need to blow of steam, get some clarity about the swirl of feelings, and all that.

  8. #67
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Hurtman,

    Good to hear you got to talk to your boy for a bit.

    It is very important that you stop viewing her as someone that loves and cares about your feelings and instead see her as she is now. She betrayed you and kept your son from you. Be cordial, be smart and get all your ducks in a row without her knowing.

    That means do not ever let on that you are working with a lawyer. You don't owe her anything and if you ever feel like you want to clue her in just remember how she cheated on you behind your back for over 5 months while you were left in the dark.

    It is time to be somewhat ruthless to protect your rights. Be fair but your rights and your son come first and she can figure her own stuff out all by herself. It takes time to stop the feelings you have for her and your natural instincts are still there to protect her and treat her in a caring loving way. You need to fight those urges. Those feelings do not turn off like a light switch for men like you so be mindful always when interacting with her.

    Assume she has contacted a lawyer or at least received legal advice so be very careful what you say or write, this is very important as it could come back to haunt you later on. No promises, no threats, no harsh words (even if she baits you into them) and no desperate plea for anything. Be strong and confident even if you feel like rubbish.

    While this plays out you need to take very good care of yourself. Stay active as possible, eat right, sleep when you can and find things to keep your mind active.

    This comes down to one day at a time and not getting frustrated over things you do not have control over. Read my signature below over and over again, it helps.

    Hang in there and play the long game in this. This is bigger than just getting to see your son right now, it is about you being able to be his father for the rest of your life.

    Lost

  9. #68
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Checking in on you, Hurt. Are you okay?

  10. #69
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Are you/they under quarantine? If so she is not depriving you of contact/virtual visitation. So what can the attorney do for you in your area? She seems reasonable, once you calm down about her new bf and focus on your son.

    She doesn't need lectures on the importance of parenting. Try not to harass her it will work against you. Not much more an attorney can do except help you file court papers outlining specific contact modalities, times and intervals. However she already agreed, so?
    At the moment, the whole country is under lockdown, the government advice is “not to mix with anyone from another household, only family” (people you stay with)
    So, yes, everyone is under quarantine/isolating at the moment.
    She had been totally ignoring me until Sunday, as in nothing at all since we broke up, so she has been withholding contact.

    As for the couple of day’s since...I waited for her to call me today, as she said she would &....she didn’t.

    Now, I will email her tomorrow to ask her to call me then, so that I can see & speak to my boy again. I waited today because she said that she would call me, so benefit of the doubt on my behalf.

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I agree..PLEASE visit an attorney. DO NOT TRUST HER. Without court orders, she can walk anytime and leave you with no rights to your son whatsoever.

    You need to get it in legal writing and court ordered that you have your parentals rights and it's no longer in her hands whether she allows you to see or talk to him. Make sure you take that power away from her and have the courts decide.
    I know of parents who trusted their ex and ended up not seeing their child for years and years. So please heed the warning.

    I really am so glad that you got to see him though!! It must have been so emotional and yet a huge step forward to finally being able to see and talk to him.

    You sound like a smart man, I know you know this is no longer about her and this is about your son. In time, your heartache will heal, even if it takes longer than you'd like...IT WILL HEAL. One day you will wake up and it won't bother you anymore that she left. Yes, I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true.
    But the one thing that will never change, is that you are your son's dad and he is yours. He will always, always need you and love you.
    Hold onto that.

    I hope you are okay today. Thinking of you, as I know how tough this all can be.
    Thank you Sherry, yes it was definitely emotional when I seen him, I was trying my best to stay on top of my emotions, as if I hadn’t, I would have cried, & it was hard to stop that emotion.
    I also booked an appointment with my GP today, but it is not until the end of this week. I looked into lawyers today also, I will speak to a couple of them tomorrow & see what they say & move it forward.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Just chiming in to say I'm really happy you got to see your son. Hopefully it becomes a regular thing, without more whiplash, and starts paving the way for you two to establish an amicable and productive co-parenting relationship. Probably feels a bit like imagining yourself scaling Everest on a unicycle at the moment, but it's doable. It's a thing people do. I'm the product of that kind of family—a real family, in my mind, not a broken version—and am today, at the same age you are, the partner of someone with a pretty inspiring co-parenting arrangement.

    Along with others, I think getting all that hammered out, legally, is key. It will be a process. That's what talking to a lawyer is for: not prepping for battle, but for peace. Doesn't need to be a vindictive war—and, ideally, it won't be. Time will determine that, and you do need to be prepared for anything. One need only to look at the present state of the world today to see what hoping for the best without preparing for the worst can look like.

    So keep doing what you're doing now, making these talks regular, setting up visits if possible with your quarantine rules, and setting up that schedule together, not just on her terms. Once you've spoken to a lawyer, and learned more about the workings of that, you can talk to her about that: all business. Some couples can do all the filing without two lawyers involved, some can't. Some use a mediator. Options, options: figure out which works for you, and which will ensure that (a) she can't just ghost in the future and (b) if she does (just as if you go off the chain down the line) there is a system in place that exists only to keep your son secure, not blown around by the winds and whims of adult emotions.

    And, of course, don't be shy in coming here, or anywhere else that offers a salve, when you need to blow of steam, get some clarity about the swirl of feelings, and all that.
    I do want it to be regular calls, I told her that on Sunday, she said she would call me in a couple of days & today.....she didn’t.
    So I will email her tomorrow & hopefully I will get to see/speak to him again tomorrow.

    I don’t want a war of any kind with her, I genuinely did think that we would have been amicable for our little boy, yet as you know, it has been anything but since we broke up, which hurts me a lot as it was not an acrimonious break up.

    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Hurtman,

    Good to hear you got to talk to your boy for a bit.

    It is very important that you stop viewing her as someone that loves and cares about your feelings and instead see her as she is now. She betrayed you and kept your son from you. Be cordial, be smart and get all your ducks in a row without her knowing.

    That means do not ever let on that you are working with a lawyer. You don't owe her anything and if you ever feel like you want to clue her in just remember how she cheated on you behind your back for over 5 months while you were left in the dark.

    It is time to be somewhat ruthless to protect your rights. Be fair but your rights and your son come first and she can figure her own stuff out all by herself. It takes time to stop the feelings you have for her and your natural instincts are still there to protect her and treat her in a caring loving way. You need to fight those urges. Those feelings do not turn off like a light switch for men like you so be mindful always when interacting with her.

    Assume she has contacted a lawyer or at least received legal advice so be very careful what you say or write, this is very important as it could come back to haunt you later on. No promises, no threats, no harsh words (even if she baits you into them) and no desperate plea for anything. Be strong and confident even if you feel like rubbish.

    While this plays out you need to take very good care of yourself. Stay active as possible, eat right, sleep when you can and find things to keep your mind active.

    This comes down to one day at a time and not getting frustrated over things you do not have control over. Read my signature below over and over again, it helps.

    Hang in there and play the long game in this. This is bigger than just getting to see your son right now, it is about you being able to be his father for the rest of your life.

    Lost
    Thank you for the words & advice Lost I appreciate that.
    As do I all the other words & advice & support.

    I do need to get it through my head that she definitely does not love & care about me or my feelings anymore, that is painful to accept, as 5 years of a relationship is hard to just forget & switch off from, but she appears to have done it very easily & I have not.

    As for not getting frustrated about things that I have no control over, my mum told me the same thing, she said “you cannot control anything that is out-with your control” & again, as much as it hurts to admit that, you are both correct.
    As for my feelings for her, they most definitely do not just switch off like a light switch, that’s what I cannot understand, she appears to have done exactly that, yet I have not & I try to, especially after the way that she has treated me since we broke up, yet I do still love her a lot. It’s crazy & hurts.

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Checking in on you, Hurt. Are you okay?
    I am ok considering I guess Sherry, thank you for your concern.
    Hopefully she will call me tomorrow when I email her, again, it will be strictly about our baby boy, nothing to cause trouble as that is the last thing that I want.

    Again, to everyone, thank you all so much for all your advice, understanding, support & words, I have a lot to get my head around going forward, but I do have to accept it, I have tried my best to sort thing’s & she doesn’t want to fix things between us now.

    So, I have got to be focused on my baby boy, that I will do, even if it’s tearing me up inside when I see/speak to her, brave face on.

  11. #70
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Yes, regular calls, videochats are important to your son and then regular visits when the lock down is lifted. Ask for regular scheduled calls and videochats. Ad hoc is confusing. Suggest setting them up at mutually convenient regular times/days. Do not do last minute or spontaneous. Be brief and focused in your communication to her.

    For example: "I would like to set up regular calls and videochats with [son] at a mutually convenient time". Do not mention that she didn't call etc. Try to make your communication a written log of your dedication in contacting/visiting your son, so you have proof when you contact an attorney of your focused efforts. If your communication is too frequent or focused on her her bf etc it will work against you. Never make it about her, her promises, her bf etc. Ever.
    Originally Posted by Hurt Man
    I do want it to be regular calls, I told her that on Sunday, she said she would call me in a couple of days & today.....she didn’t.
    I will email her tomorrow & hopefully I will get to see/speak to him again tomorrow.

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