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Thread: Fiancée Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else

  1. #51
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's okay, Hurt, I would suspect lots of people are stressed and having a bad year so far due to Covid. It's not great having a partner who ends up being a cheater.

    There was nothing you could have done. That's the scary part about getting involved in a relationship, you could be the best partner ever, and they could still betray you.
    But also try to remember, that not everyone is this way and not all women will betray you like this.

    Lots of us on this forum have gone through what you're going through. We survived it and yes, it was incredibly difficult. But we're still here.
    I hope you can try to get some sleep. Lack of sleep on top of this all, won't help.

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    It's okay, Hurt, I would suspect lots of people are stressed and having a bad year so far due to Covid. It's not great having a partner who ends up being a cheater.

    There was nothing you could have done. That's the scary part about getting involved in a relationship, you could be the best partner ever, and they could still betray you.
    But also try to remember, that not everyone is this way and not all women will betray you like this.

    Lots of us on this forum have gone through what you're going through. We survived it and yes, it was incredibly difficult. But we're still here.
    I hope you can try to get some sleep. Lack of sleep on top of this all, won't help.
    Thanks for your words,
    I never ever thought that she would do anything like this & also treat me like this.
    I know that not all women would do that, I just never expected her to do such a thing, I honestly thought that we were good. It also doesn’t help that she stays at the other end of the street, so I cannot avoid seeing her new guy at the house. & I cannot believe that just 3 months ago, I was still there with her & our boy.

    I definitely do not feel like I want to get involved with anyone else in future,
    I am 40 years old now, that hurts me that I am in this situation at my age. & also, when I look at the pictures & videos of my boy, that just makes me cry.

    I miss her & him, yet I know that I should despise her for what she has done & the way she has been since, but I find it hard to do that for some reason.

    As for this lockdown, it’s hard because I cannot do anything to try take my mind off of the situation, like go swimming, or even just go to the gym, visit my friends etc, It’s horrible.

    I will get through this, it’s just hard, very very hard.

    & yes, my sleep is shot, I cannot just sleep for a decent amount of time, yet prior to this happening, I had no problem getting to sleep & staying asleep.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's normal to miss her. She wasn't always this person. And you're remembering the person you thought she was. Your mind is processing everything and yet is still not yet in the place where you feel this is all real.

    You need to go through the mourning of it all yet. That's okay to do too. Losing a relationship will bring about a mourning period. Let yourself cry, feel the feelings, process it all, and heal. But don't stay there forever. There is no set time on how long it will take to mourn or heal from all of this. But try not to think in terms of your life being bad like this, forever. I know it feels that way, but it doesn't have to be.

    I know it's too early to consider anyone else right now, but I do hope that your future will be brighter and better.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    We're here to listen, Hurt, so don't feel bad for loading it on. It is, after all, the only thing this site is for. Embrace it!

    Whatever you feel right now—like, all of it, and there are going to be many waves over many months—is okay. Not only okay. Healthy. It's your humanity making sense of human hurt. So try to remind yourself of that from time to time, as I know I've had to do: that all these feelings are okay.

    My last longterm relationship ended with infidelity. Very different situation: no kids, and though we were always pretty "good," had you asked me if we were "great" at any point in the relationship I wouldn't have said yes. Still, it took me a long time to let the anger move through me—have to feel it all, so you can eventually let it go—as my nature and temperament are just not built to find much comfort in anger. I missed her a lot, especially in the early days. Probably there was something of a coping mechanism in not being angry, a way of avoiding the full weight of what had happened, or to let that weight drop onto my shoulders slowly, to avoid shattering. You might be doing something similar, and that, again, is okay.

    As Sherry said, the truth of every relationship is that you can never control its path because the other half is, in ways, always a mystery. A level of faith is involved, and infidelity is so hard to process because it's an affront to that faith. Still, as she said, there isn't anything you could have done, so do remember that from time to time. Whatever was going on, whatever she wasn't sharing with you about her feelings, she chose this path. It's not a choice everyone makes.

    All this will take considerable time to feel and process, but there is an end to it. The flip side to how you feel right now—more torn up than you knew was possible, is that your spirit is stronger than you know, capable of weathering this with grace and fortitude. Doubly hard for you is that you can't just a lot this moment for feeling everything—that goes into one compartment, while getting things straightened out with your son, and that arrangement, goes into another. Eyes on that, first and foremost. That's going to work out too.

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  6. #55
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    I hope you have sent another request to speak with your son today. That should be happening every day so you can show that you were steady in your interest to be a father and she was steady in her choice to act like you don't exist.

  7. #56
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    It's normal to miss her. She wasn't always this person. And you're remembering the person you thought she was. Your mind is processing everything and yet is still not yet in the place where you feel this is all real.

    You need to go through the mourning of it all yet. That's okay to do too. Losing a relationship will bring about a mourning period. Let yourself cry, feel the feelings, process it all, and heal. But don't stay there forever. There is no set time on how long it will take to mourn or heal from all of this. But try not to think in terms of your life being bad like this, forever. I know it feels that way, but it doesn't have to be.

    I know it's too early to consider anyone else right now, but I do hope that your future will be brighter and better.
    Thank you Sherry, I understand what you are saying, I don’t want to feel like this forever, it just feels like it will, there is no light at the end of the tunnel just now.
    It is also not helped by the massive hole in me that has been left by her, compounded by her totally & utterly ignoring me & to top it all off, me not seeing my baby boy, that really does cut me deep.
    If I was a nasty person, then I would understand why things are the way they are, but I am not & I don’t understand why she is being like this, although the poster on here (Lost) explained it well when they said, imagine if it was me who betrayed a friend/brother/sister, would I want to face them? I get that, but she could at least have the decency to acknowledge me regarding our baby boy. I have been with him from the day he was born & then this?? That really really hurts me. I am missing the most important stages of his life right now, his development etc.

    I feel like I am the bad one in all of this, I have lost everything that I held dear in my life, unexpectedly & yet she is just carrying on regardless, new guy, my son & not caring whatsoever about me or the 5 years we were together, I feel like a total loser, especially at my age, it’s hard to accept that. Yet I know that I have to.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    We're here to listen, Hurt, so don't feel bad for loading it on. It is, after all, the only thing this site is for. Embrace it!

    Whatever you feel right now—like, all of it, and there are going to be many waves over many months—is okay. Not only okay. Healthy. It's your humanity making sense of human hurt. So try to remind yourself of that from time to time, as I know I've had to do: that all these feelings are okay.

    My last longterm relationship ended with infidelity. Very different situation: no kids, and though we were always pretty "good," had you asked me if we were "great" at any point in the relationship I wouldn't have said yes. Still, it took me a long time to let the anger move through me—have to feel it all, so you can eventually let it go—as my nature and temperament are just not built to find much comfort in anger. I missed her a lot, especially in the early days. Probably there was something of a coping mechanism in not being angry, a way of avoiding the full weight of what had happened, or to let that weight drop onto my shoulders slowly, to avoid shattering. You might be doing something similar, and that, again, is okay.

    As Sherry said, the truth of every relationship is that you can never control its path because the other half is, in ways, always a mystery. A level of faith is involved, and infidelity is so hard to process because it's an affront to that faith. Still, as she said, there isn't anything you could have done, so do remember that from time to time. Whatever was going on, whatever she wasn't sharing with you about her feelings, she chose this path. It's not a choice everyone makes.

    All this will take considerable time to feel and process, but there is an end to it. The flip side to how you feel right now—more torn up than you knew was possible, is that your spirit is stronger than you know, capable of weathering this with grace and fortitude. Doubly hard for you is that you can't just a lot this moment for feeling everything—that goes into one compartment, while getting things straightened out with your son, and that arrangement, goes into another. Eyes on that, first and foremost. That's going to work out too.
    Thank you bluecastle, I don’t want to be how I am felling at the moment for months, yet that has been just a shade over 2 months since this happened & I still cannot shake it off, some days, like yesterday are really bad, I couldn’t even be happy yesterday, even though I try to be, my mind was going over & over everything & I just want it to stop, yet I can’t switch it off no matter what I do.

    If I was getting contact with my baby boy, that would ease things a bit, however, being totally ignored by her is a horrible feeling & this hurts me.

    I am going to focus on my boy, that I have to,
    that I know, but it won’t make the hurt & pain & confusion of the breakup & the betrayal go away. I am feeling so down & sad that this has happened.

    As said, 3 months ago, I was flying high, with everything to look forward to & now, kicked to the kerb like I was nothing, I am broken.

    I have to call my GP on Tuesday also, I genuinely do believe that I am borderline/if not already depressed & the anxiety that I have since this happened is unreal, I am scared to go outside the house because there is a good chance that our paths will cross & because she has been totally ignoring me, that makes it feel even worse.

    I feel silly saying this, but that is how I feel & it’s horrible.
    I never once even thought about or looked at another woman in the entire time that we were together & this is what she did to me in the end, it seriously kills me.

    I had hoped that she would have at least replied to my email yesterday or even a FaceTime call to let me see & talk to my boy, yet she didn’t even do that.

    I am sorry for going on, it’s just my family & friends, as good & supportive as they are, just don’t understand exactly how I am feeling & in how much pain, as they have never been through this horrible thing before.

  8. #57
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    Originally Posted by arjumand
    I hope you have sent another request to speak with your son today. That should be happening every day so you can show that you were steady in your interest to be a father and she was steady in her choice to act like you don't exist.
    I have not today, I am being ignored clearly now. I will try again tomorrow, as it’s Easter Sunday, but I am now not holding on to any hope of her responding.
    I told her yesterday in the email that it should be 50/50 contact & co-parenting regarding him & that I thought & expected that we would still be amicable about our boy.
    But, she is too engrossed in her new guy, he has practically moved into the house with her & I am not anywhere on her list of priorities any more, that’s quite obvious.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    First off, I would make it a point to email her every day. No emotion, no dramatics, no shame, pure logistics: let her know that figuring out co-parenting arrangements is essential, that you'd like to arrange a FaceTime, etc. This is the business part, so approach it like that—as if it were a credit card company you had to get through to. You call and call until they pick up. If they don't? Well, you have proof that you've been calling incessantly.

    As for the emotional swirl? You have listeners here, and an appointment with a professional listener on the horizon. Bravo on all that. Seeing that you need help, and asking for it, is about the single strongest thing a human being can do. Says a lot about your character, and the awesome father your son has in you. Those are all very real things that aren't going anywhere.

  10. #59
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, exactly as Blue said...you're not doing it for her to respond, per se...you're doing it so that when the time comes to prove how much you want your child in your life, you can show that you have been trying to contact without fail.

    I also agree that you truly are a good man and if the right woman had met you, you wouldn't be going through this. I read hundreds of stories (literally hundreds) each year from women who have been cheated on and each one of them dream of meeting a man like you. You are worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for or that you allow your ex to make you feel like.

    Don't let her bring you to a level where you question your own worth. She was the one who created a terrible situation and is the one being selfish and hurting people.

    But you need to focus more on your own healing and to get court orders put in place in order to see your son. That's what you need to keep your mind on.

    Keep moving forward, even if it's one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute and second at a time. This too shall pass...I promise.
    It really will. It will not stay like this forever.

  11. #60
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    Thank you Blue & Sherry. I have sent another email asking if it is possible to FaceTime me today to see my boy. Again, this was a cordial message. I hope that she does, but on the same coin, I don’t hold out much hope either because of the way she has been towards me.

    But, I will wait & see & update later on.

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