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Thread: Fiancée Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else

  1. #21
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Hurt Man,

    I have been where you are right now after 20 years together so I get what you are going through right now.

    You are wondering why she has ghosted you? Let me ask you a question. Let's say you had someone in your life Best friend, brother or what ever and you betrayed them in the worst possible way. Would you want to talk or be around them since there was no chance you were going to try and undo the betrayal? Chances are you would avoid them at all costs because they would be a reminder of what a horrible person you were to them.

    She wants to pretend that she didn't cheat and lie, she wants to pretend you were a terrible father and partner and she does not want to ruin her little fantasy escape she has constructed with this new guy. You are a bad reminder of what she has done...

    The lack of sleep is totally normal as is a lack of appetite so don't worry to much about that. Sleep when you can and eat when you know you should even if you cannot taste the food. You need to be your best for your son and yourself. Start taking extremely good care of yourself. Eat right, work out, stay connected to family and friends, rediscover old hobbies and work towards being the best single dad in the whole world.

    I got dealt a huge crap sandwich many years ago like a lot of people on this forum but if you keep posting, listen to the advice that sounds right to you and keep working towards your healing you will be better than ever and have the kind of relationship with your son you always wanted. I know it happened for me but it took work and then more work.

    In the silent of the night your mind will wonder off to those thoughts about why didn't I see this coming, if I knew I could have done something to stop it and on and on. These thoughts are normal but are not productive or helpful. When it happened to me and I kept going to that place I would ask myself "what good will come from thinking about his?" when the answer was "nothing" (it always is) I would redirect my thought by trying to remember the lyrics to a song or anything to change the subject in my head. Give it a try.

    Start reading about being a single dad. There is a lot to learn so you should get started right away. You may end up being the only solid parent your son has...

    Chances are the shine will wear off this new guy one day or they will have a big fight because sneaking around having sex is exciting but when the day to day life starts to grind down their fantasy the little things will turn into big things fast. I don't tell you this so you can have some false hope of getting her back, trust me you don't want her back but when she starts having trouble with the new guy she will lash out at you. The reason you ask? Because she chose him over you and ruined a great life for this guy so it cannot be him and she cannot blame herself or your son so you will be the target. Be prepared.

    Don't worry about her feelings or how she will feel because you sought out legal advice to protect your rights. She made her bed so she can lay in it. Do what is best for you and your son always, she is on her own from now on.

    I know this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you but you need to know it will get better and you and your son will be okay.

    Lost

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Technically, you shouldn't have left the house until custody arrangements were legalized. It could be seen as abandonment, and she could get better custody arrangements than you, since she's been the prime caregiver. She could even say that you chose not to see your child, even once, after you left. Keep that e-mail as evidence, and text her (when the virus ends), asking to see the child, as more evidence of her non-response. (Even though she owns the house, you did have rights to live there since you'd done so for many years.)

    Sounds like you don't live in the U.S., and I don't know what your country's family law is like. Here, if there is no custody papers, one parent could up and leave with the child, moving to another state or even another country. If the other parent went to the law to stop this, the first thing they'd ask is: Show me the custody agreement. If there is none, nothing can be done because the child is with a legal guardian.

    Right now you should be thinking of what your child will think if you're so passive as not to cause waves with his mother. I've heard older children be angry at their absent parent who maintained a distance because they couldn't deal with the stress of a combative ex, when the child was younger. They ask: wasn't I important enough to fight for? Why didn't you fight to remain in my life?

    Of course, fighting isn't the optimum way to deal with this if you don't have to, but it's better to do so if that's your only option, rather than letting things slide.

    She's not the person you thought she was. She failed to maintain appropriate relationship boundaries, and let herself emotionally disconnect. That's on her. Not that you should jump into another relationship, but please don't let emotional baggage prevent you from bonding with a future love. My husband's two longest relationships ended when the women cheated on him. He took two and a half years off from dating before meeting me, and concentrated on raising his daughter. When he met me, I wouldn't have even known the bad way things ended for him previously. He said that he knew I wasn't them. I'm a totally different person, and he trusted me. So yes, I recommend therapy, because you shouldn't enter any relationship until you're able to discard the useless husks of baggage.

    We've all survived messed up relationships. When we find the keeper, we appreciate them that much more after what we once experienced. Take care.
    I am in the UK.

    I understand that it could be construed as me just up & abandoning him, but I most definitely have not, I just cannot get through to my ex fiancée because she has chosen to completely ignore me since & as advised previously, I cannot just turn up at her door, as that could cause trouble & that is one thing that I don’t want.

    I have the email that I sent to her.

    I also have screenshots of the text messages that I sent to her regarding our boy & me seeing/getting him, but that was still in the hope of her getting back to me about him, which to date, has not happened.

    I don’t also want him to resent me when he is older, I have been with him from the day he was born, watched him grow from a tiny baby & develop into the boy he is now. I am deeply hurt that I am now missing a lot of key things at his age now, all because of his mum being like this.

    If I was a nasty person who was physically or emotionally abusive towards her, then I would understand why she was being like this, but I am not & I never in a million years even thought that she would treat me like this or cheat on me.

    As for future relationships, I am obviously not in anyway ready for another & don’t think I will be for a long time, but yes, my baby boy is very important to me & I want to see him, cuddle him & play with him again. I look at the videos & pictures of him that I have right up until the day before this happened & it makes me cry, he is so sweet & innocent. I am going to stop going on now as I am welling up as
    I write all of this, just hurts me.

    Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Hurt Man,

    I have been where you are right now after 20 years together so I get what you are going through right now.

    You are wondering why she has ghosted you? Let me ask you a question. Let's say you had someone in your life Best friend, brother or what ever and you betrayed them in the worst possible way. Would you want to talk or be around them since there was no chance you were going to try and undo the betrayal? Chances are you would avoid them at all costs because they would be a reminder of what a horrible person you were to them.

    She wants to pretend that she didn't cheat and lie, she wants to pretend you were a terrible father and partner and she does not want to ruin her little fantasy escape she has constructed with this new guy. You are a bad reminder of what she has done...

    The lack of sleep is totally normal as is a lack of appetite so don't worry to much about that. Sleep when you can and eat when you know you should even if you cannot taste the food. You need to be your best for your son and yourself. Start taking extremely good care of yourself. Eat right, work out, stay connected to family and friends, rediscover old hobbies and work towards being the best single dad in the whole world.

    I got dealt a huge crap sandwich many years ago like a lot of people on this forum but if you keep posting, listen to the advice that sounds right to you and keep working towards your healing you will be better than ever and have the kind of relationship with your son you always wanted. I know it happened for me but it took work and then more work.

    In the silent of the night your mind will wonder off to those thoughts about why didn't I see this coming, if I knew I could have done something to stop it and on and on. These thoughts are normal but are not productive or helpful. When it happened to me and I kept going to that place I would ask myself "what good will come from thinking about his?" when the answer was "nothing" (it always is) I would redirect my thought by trying to remember the lyrics to a song or anything to change the subject in my head. Give it a try.

    Start reading about being a single dad. There is a lot to learn so you should get started right away. You may end up being the only solid parent your son has...

    Chances are the shine will wear off this new guy one day or they will have a big fight because sneaking around having sex is exciting but when the day to day life starts to grind down their fantasy the little things will turn into big things fast. I don't tell you this so you can have some false hope of getting her back, trust me you don't want her back but when she starts having trouble with the new guy she will lash out at you. The reason you ask? Because she chose him over you and ruined a great life for this guy so it cannot be him and she cannot blame herself or your son so you will be the target. Be prepared.

    Don't worry about her feelings or how she will feel because you sought out legal advice to protect your rights. She made her bed so she can lay in it. Do what is best for you and your son always, she is on her own from now on.

    I know this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you but you need to know it will get better and you and your son will be okay.

    Lost
    Thank you so much Lost, I will re-read your advice as you have nailed everything that I feel & think.

    20 years is a long long time, mines was 5 years, small fry compared to your situation, but it truly hurts.

    Again, thank you to everyone, I am trying to keep up
    with everyone who is commenting & offering good solid advice, but every time I reply to someone, there are another 4-5 new posts, so to everyone, I genuinely do appreciate everything that you are all advising & saying, I did not expect this much help. Truly touched here & very very appreciated.

    Thank YOU ALL.

  4. #24
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I don’t know the legal system on the UK but it actually IS cut and dry here in the U.S.

    I never used a lawyer once since my divorce with an ex wife, who was in 2013 when this went down feeling quite...punitive. The judge ordered 70/30 custody. Since then I spent several years 50/50 and a couple years as the sole custodial parent.

    Here in The States, unless there are are glaring reasons to deny visitation (abuse, inability to provide basic necessities, etc. and none of those are operative in your case,) both parents WILL get partial custody. Being able to just walk away without a huge fight is not a negative, it’s a relief! Just go to the courthouse and visit the “self-help” center and they will direct you to the forms you need to fill out and file in order to have a custody hearing; if your ex won’t work with you to decide and submit a schedule that works for you, the judge will decide on your behalf and it will be a “rubber stamp” case.

    Lawyers depend on “lathered up” clients (understandable because we’re talking about our children and our former lovers) and play on their fear to convince them they need to fight and go to extremes measure to “protect” themselves. But closer to the truth is the fact that even though this feels INSANELY painful to you right now, your situation is “run of the mill” to a judge whose job it is to see 20 of these typical cases per day. If what you’ve told us is true you have a standard case and will get a standard ruling once you file a petition for a custody ruling.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Buddy, this lady was willing to cheat on you for God knows long prior to ending things with you. And make no mistake, the timing in ending things with you and asking you to move out was very much calculated. You can bet her and her new beau were making it the topic of conversation between themselves plenty. She seems cool with dangling sporadic and tentative visitation around, all while functionally moving the new guy in (though for your part, you need to be doing what's legally necessary to be there as your kid's father). I don't know you, so I can't assume you're the world's #1 Gentleman, but this is the last person for whom I'd ever consider providing any more information than necessary pertaining to your and your child's interests in this ordeal. That includes details of your initial legal pursuits. She doesn't need to know you're seeking consult. Don't try to play nice negotiating on the side. Keep your correspondences cordial, impersonal, and relevant only to your kid's needs. If I had to guess, someone willing to behave as she has is probably steps ahead of you anyhow.

    Assuming you can afford one, find a good attorney, explore your options, and fully prepare for any further deviant conduct from her end when it comes to support and custody. This isn't some situation where you were married and you're splitting under amicable and equally understood terms. There are plenty of factors one or both parties can introduce, maliciously or not, to make a legal case superseding algorithms. However shady she was willing to be about getting her rocks off on the side, you've got zero reason to believe she wouldn't at the very least go to that extent when it comes to custody of her child.
    Last edited by j.man; 04-09-2020 at 03:20 PM.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    o my.... she sounds like a terrible person; bad partner and bad mother. My heart breaks for your child. He must be so confused and miss you terribly.

    Aside from the legal aspect. Do you think your mother or father could call her and make arrangements to see him? Just you alone are easier to ignore.

    I know you don't want to involve your parents, but this could break her silence. If they could be the one to pick him up and start some visits. of course with the quarantine, this probably will have to wait to.

    I would not stop texting and calling every day to see how the child is and to ask for pictures... Make it clear that you'd like to make arrangements and keep this out of the courts.

    The truth is she will at some point have to address why she won't let you see the child.

    Just as she will have to deal with the end of your relationship. She can only hide from the community you two shared (friends, family) and her feelings for so long.

    What a fool this woman is... To do this to the child is inforgiveable imo. As for your future relationships, don't worry about that now. There is something seriously wrong with this woman and you will find love again.

    If they are quarantined together, it could be quite interesting for a new relationship and one based on lies. I would not quit pressuring her. I'd make it perfectly clear, you hope the two cheaters are happy together. but you will have a relationship with your child.

    Thats the other thing. If someone cheats with you, they will cheat on you. We'll see how she feels when he is done playing house with her and moves on....

    Sorry this is happening. what a nightmare.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I don’t know the legal system on the UK but it actually IS cut and dry here in the U.S.

    I never used a lawyer once since my divorce with an ex wife, who was in 2013 when this went down feeling quite...punitive. The judge ordered 70/30 custody. Since then I spent several years 50/50 and a couple years as the sole custodial parent.

    Here in The States, unless there are are glaring reasons to deny visitation (abuse, inability to provide basic necessities, etc. and none of those are operative in your case,) both parents WILL get partial custody. Being able to just walk away without a huge fight is not a negative, it’s a relief! Just go to the courthouse and visit the “self-help” center and they will direct you to the forms you need to fill out and file in order to have a custody hearing; if your ex won’t work with you to decide and submit a schedule that works for you, the judge will decide on your behalf and it will be a “rubber stamp” case.

    Lawyers depend on “lathered up” clients (understandable because we’re talking about our children and our former lovers) and play on their fear to convince them they need to fight and go to extremes measure to “protect” themselves. But closer to the truth is the fact that even though this feels INSANELY painful to you right now, your situation is “run of the mill” to a judge whose job it is to see 20 of these typical cases per day. If what you’ve told us is true you have a standard case and will get a standard ruling once you file a petition for a custody ruling.
    Everything I have told you all here is true.
    That is why I posted here on this forum & I am glad I did.

    Thank you for your reply & advice, I do believe that here in the UK it is similar to the U.S, I just have never had to do anything like this before.

    I do have parental rights, of that I know.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Playing dirty, I meant by going to a lawyer without her knowing, but that was before I knew how she was going to treat me afterwards.
    OP, that is not playing dirty. That is being smart! Do you want to lose rights to your son too? If you keep being soft, she could make things very bad for you when it comes to your child.

    Now is not the time to "let things go" or try to be "friends"....it won't get you anywhere and it certainly won't have her suddenly wake up thinking you're prince charming.
    She is a liar and a cheater. She betrayed you.
    Your job now is to place that aside for now, keep your head on straight and get custody rights put in place for YOUR child. You don't need her for that, you don't need her permission or to inform her.
    In fact informing her could be against you as she could be even worse for you.

    Talk to a lawyer, get help with your son. Do this NOW. Do not hesitate or mess about. What matters here is your child, not her, not her partner in betrayal...push it all aside for now and be a father.

    Make sure you don't lose custody or rights to him.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I do have parental rights, of that I know.
    Unless it's in a court document...nothing is certain.

    DO NOT trust her or what she says. Get a court to say what is what.

  11. #30
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    This is terrible. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

    You have received some solid advice. Please seek a good lawyer when things have lifted. I don't understand how it would be playing dirty? This woman has cheated on you thrown you out of your home and is keeping you from your child. You need to take some action. I am certain you could start the process with a video chat with a lawyer. You do not want to lose rights to your child. Time to be smart and strong!

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