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Thread: Fiancťe Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Consulting an attorney to protect your rights as a father and to be there as a father for your child is not "playing dirty". I don't understand why you would see it as that.

    Your child is innocent and cannot understand the sudden changes in his life. Please set aside your hurt for now so you can do right by him.

    As for her, a lying, deceitful cheater is no one you want back in your life. As a good man, your life would be better enhanced by a quality woman. When you're ready, you might feel strong enough to pursue a new relationship. For now focus on your child.
    Playing dirty, I meant by going to a lawyer without her knowing, but that was before I knew how she was going to treat me afterwards. I thought we would at least be amicable regarding our boy & co-parenting.

  2. #12
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    I wish there was a thank you button, I just want to say thank you to you all for your advice & comments, I genuinely do appreciate it all.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    You need a lawyer and NOW. Work out a custody agreement for the child.

    I would bet money she'd been seeing this guy for a lot longer than 5 months. These things dont happen overnight.
    ^^Definitely.

    I'm glad that you've considered going to your GP for counseling. Definitely do this through a professional and don't discuss this with family and friends - its not their job to be your counselor.

    It takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help and to take the positive steps forward to start healing yourself. Please be patient with the process and "do the work" in terms of what your therapist asks you to do. It is a long, painful road (I know this first hand) but no one can do it but you.

    Also, take care of yourself physically. If you don't work out, go start exercising every day in some way shape or form. You've undoubtedly heard all the health benefits but if you work out hard enough, you'll be so tired that you'll sleep through the night rather than staring at the ceiling trying to mentally figure out what went wrong, how you could have stopped this situation from happening, etc. I had to do this when I was recovering from a similar situation.

    Also, lawyer up immediately!!! Document the timeline of what happened before you consult with them. It is not "playing dirty". It is about protecting your rights as a father in a system that is rigged against you.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this but taking positive steps forward everyday will get you toward that light at the end of this dark tunnel.

  4. #14
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Ugh, I am really sorry. This is awful. I agree with the others - go to a lawyer and get a custody agreement drawn up. And yes, going to the GP and talking to a therapist will really help. I am sorry you are dealing with this, the cheating sucks. :(

    hang in there.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hurt Man
    Thatís another thing that does really get to me, her new guy in our old house with my boy, & you have hit the nail on the head as I imagine that it will be confusing for him also, I put him to bed the night before this happened, yet the next day, I was gone because of his mum. I have thought about that. My boy is at the age where he could quite easily forget about me & that is something that gets to me.
    Itís just extremely hard when I am being blatantly ignored by her, I canít get through to her.

    My mum did say that I should have stayed when my ex asked me to leave, my mum said even until I got her to talk/answer me. Yet, I thought that it was for the best to leave because I didnít want there to be an atmosphere in the house for our boy, he wasnít brought up in that kind of environment.

    I will definitely get a good lawyer, itís hard at the moment due to the coronavirus situation & lockdown.
    I just need to get it through my head that she has deeply betrayed me & then treated me like dirt afterwards. I am not an angry person, thatís what is hard, my Dad is the opposite, he is a good natured guy, but takes no nonsense from anyone & he can also handle himself should the need arise, whereas me, Iím the opposite, I would rather not get angry even when pushed. Thatís my problem I know, & not what I need advice about.

    Thank you to everyone who has commented, for not sugar coating anything & making me face the cold, hard reality of things. Itís appreciated.
    Of course this is difficult. The reason I said that you need to get in touch with some anger is because it's very obvious from your post that anger is a foreign emotion to you, that you tend to be exactly that - an easy going, laid back person. Normally, that's a great quality, except that in this situation....it works against you. You are getting good advice from your family and you have a good example in your dad in that you can be an easy going person but still have firm boundaries because if you don't, people will walk all over you. Listen to them.

    Please don't be too hard on yourself though. It's a shock and it will take time to deal with the fallout and get yourself sorted out again. Please don't tell yourself things like you'll never be able to trust again....because that's giving your cheating low life ex way too much power over your future and your happiness. Take this one day at a time. Workout is great advice. Call around and get phone consultations on custody and what you can do, how to document things. Sort that out. Eventually....life will start to look less chaotic and more normal....a different kind of normal from what you were planning but still....better than what it is today. Eventually you'll reach indifference and life will start looking brighter again. It's a journey and it will take time and it's not easy.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just file for visitation/shared custody with the courts. Why would you need an attorney in your area? Keep in mind you'll be on the hook for child support. Are you employed? Do you have a suitable environment in which to see him?

    With a visitation/custody order in place, you can work something out. However keep in mind you can not hang out at her house, so you'll have to come up with something for your petition to the courts. Do not wing it or do ad hoc visiting. Ever. Do not show up at her house. If you get arrested for trespassing or she gets a restraining order, you'll never see your son. Use your head not your emotions.

    This is not about texting her or negotiating seeing your child. This is your and the child's right, but you must get court papers. Get everything in writing from the courts and do everything to the letter.

    Luckily you weren't married or co-owning/co-renting anything so you could just walk out. This is not about avenging her. It's about if you want to see your son you'll have do the appropriate paperwork and take the proper actions. be the cool-headed one. You'll prevail that way. Her cheating/having a new bf in her house has nothing to do with custody/visitation.

    Sadly it sounds like things have been falling apart for almost 1/2 a year, and she chose the sleazy way out. Sorry.
    Originally Posted by Hurt Man
    I meant by going to a lawyer without her knowing.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by ShatteredMan
    ^^Definitely.

    I'm glad that you've considered going to your GP for counseling. Definitely do this through a professional and don't discuss this with family and friends - its not their job to be your counselor.

    It takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help and to take the positive steps forward to start healing yourself. Please be patient with the process and "do the work" in terms of what your therapist asks you to do. It is a long, painful road (I know this first hand) but no one can do it but you.

    Also, take care of yourself physically. If you don't work out, go start exercising every day in some way shape or form. You've undoubtedly heard all the health benefits but if you work out hard enough, you'll be so tired that you'll sleep through the night rather than staring at the ceiling trying to mentally figure out what went wrong, how you could have stopped this situation from happening, etc. I had to do this when I was recovering from a similar situation.

    Also, lawyer up immediately!!! Document the timeline of what happened before you consult with them. It is not "playing dirty". It is about protecting your rights as a father in a system that is rigged against you.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this but taking positive steps forward everyday will get you toward that light at the end of this dark tunnel.
    I definitely do need to go see my GP, I am definitely bordering on depression & I do know that I have anxiety at the moment.
    I will definitely document a timeline of events before I speak with a lawyer, that is a good idea & I never thought of that.

    My boy, I love the little guy so so much & this is the first time in his life that I have been away from him, it really hurts, I mean really really hurts.

    This happened on 5th February & I have not seen him since.

    I know the current virus situation also doesnít help, but that will pass at some point.
    I will get my head together & gear up for a fight, as I wasnít expecting to have to do such a thing, I genuinely believed that we would be amicable when it came to our baby boy, but it has been anything but.

    Silence speaks volumes & that is deeply hurtful to me.

    As for getting physically fit, I am reasonably fit already, just the lockdown is making that harder than usual, everywhere is closed that is non essential, so I can only go for a walk or cycle for an hour at the moment. & yes, you are right, staring at the ceiling with things going round & round in my head is not ideal at all, that is a fact.

    Itís getting emotionally fit that is going to be harder.

    Again, Thank you for your advice & that goes to everyone here. I really do appreciate it all.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Just file for visitation/shared custody with the courts. Why would you need an attorney in your area? Keep in mind you'll be on the hook for child support. Are you employed? Do you have a suitable environment in which to see him?

    With a visitation/custody order in place, you can work something out. However keep in mind you can not hang out at her house, so you'll have to come up with something for your petition to the courts. Do not wing it or do ad hoc visiting. Ever. Do not show up at her house. If you get arrested for trespassing or she gets a restraining order, you'll never see your son. Use your head not your emotions.

    This is not about texting her or negotiating seeing your child. This is your and the child's right, but you must get court papers. Get everything in writing from the courts and do everything to the letter.

    Luckily you weren't married or co-owning/co-renting anything so you could just walk out. This is not about avenging her. It about if you want to see your son you'll have do the appropriate paperwork.
    Wiseman, since the woman is playing dirty and refuses to cooperate with him is the exact reason why he needs a good lawyer when it comes to custody and visitation and child support - this is NOT the simple process you are making it out to be and the OP stands a lot to loose by going it by himself. He doesn't just need a lawyer he needs rabid pitbull of a lawyer who actually knows and specializes in paternal rights specifically. The OP himself is a passive individual who will literally get hosed by his ex and by the legal system unless he gets someone who is aggressive to fight for him. This situation is not simple or easy like you imagine.

  10. #19
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    Technically, you shouldn't have left the house until custody arrangements were legalized. It could be seen as abandonment, and she could get better custody arrangements than you, since she's been the prime caregiver. She could even say that you chose not to see your child, even once, after you left. Keep that e-mail as evidence, and text her (when the virus ends), asking to see the child, as more evidence of her non-response. (Even though she owns the house, you did have rights to live there since you'd done so for many years.)

    Sounds like you don't live in the U.S., and I don't know what your country's family law is like. Here, if there is no custody papers, one parent could up and leave with the child, moving to another state or even another country. If the other parent went to the law to stop this, the first thing they'd ask is: Show me the custody agreement. If there is none, nothing can be done because the child is with a legal guardian.

    Right now you should be thinking of what your child will think if you're so passive as not to cause waves with his mother. I've heard older children be angry at their absent parent who maintained a distance because they couldn't deal with the stress of a combative ex, when the child was younger. They ask: wasn't I important enough to fight for? Why didn't you fight to remain in my life?

    Of course, fighting isn't the optimum way to deal with this if you don't have to, but it's better to do so if that's your only option, rather than letting things slide.

    She's not the person you thought she was. She failed to maintain appropriate relationship boundaries, and let herself emotionally disconnect. That's on her. Not that you should jump into another relationship, but please don't let emotional baggage prevent you from bonding with a future love. My husband's two longest relationships ended when the women cheated on him. He took two and a half years off from dating before meeting me, and concentrated on raising his daughter. When he met me, I wouldn't have even known the bad way things ended for him previously. He said that he knew I wasn't them. I'm a totally different person, and he trusted me. So yes, I recommend therapy, because you shouldn't enter any relationship until you're able to discard the useless husks of baggage.

    We've all survived messed up relationships. When we find the keeper, we appreciate them that much more after what we once experienced. Take care.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Just file for visitation/shared custody with the courts. Why would you need an attorney in your area? Keep in mind you'll be on the hook for child support. Are you employed? Do you have a suitable environment in which to see him?

    With a visitation/custody order in place, you can work something out. However keep in mind you can not hang out at her house, so you'll have to come up with something for your petition to the courts. Do not wing it or do ad hoc visiting. Ever. Do not show up at her house. If you get arrested for trespassing or she gets a restraining order, you'll never see your son. Use your head not your emotions.

    This is not about texting her or negotiating seeing your child. This is your and the child's right, but you must get court papers. Get everything in writing from the courts and do everything to the letter.

    Luckily you weren't married or co-owning/co-renting anything so you could just walk out. This is not about avenging her. It's about if you want to see your son you'll have do the appropriate paperwork and take the proper actions. be the cool-headed one. You'll prevail that way. Her cheating/having a new bf in her house has nothing to do with custody/visitation.

    Sadly it sounds like things have been falling apart for almost 1/2 a year, and she chose the sleazy way out. Sorry.
    Yes, I am employed, so child support is not a problem. I am currently laid off from work however due to the virus situation, but my salary is still going to be paid.

    Looking at it now, I would definitely say in the last year things started to change, like emotionally & I suppose physically, between us, but it was not instant, just gradually.

    I will definitely do things to the letter, & not stupid things like go to her door or try to pick a fight with her new guy etc, thatís not me.

    Also, donít apologise for your opinion, itís the truth, I can see that now, especially when everyone else seeís it also. I appreciate your advice, it helps me a lot, as does everyone elseís advice here.

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