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Thread: Moving on from infidelity

  1. #1
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    Moving on from infidelity

    Hi :) I'm really struggling with a situation which I am hoping some of you can give me your opinions on.

    I (23F) have been in a relationship for a few years, he (23M) cheated on me a few years ago, we had broken up and got back together few months later. Trust had obviously been broken due to this.

    Recently, he broke up with me due to communication issues. About 3 weeks later, we started seeing eachother again "exclusively", but weren't in an official gf & bf relationship.

    I found out about a month ago that he had actually been flirting with girls online and in clubs the entire 3 months of us being exclusive, all while telling me he loved me and that he was thinking of making the relationship official once we had rebuilt a stronger foundation. He kept telling me he was being loyal, and he knew I was too, because we had agreed on being exclusive.

    This obviously broke my heart and brought the little trust I still had in him back to square one. After a heated conversation and a few days, (I know this is going to sound absurd to a lot of people), we made our relationship official. Few reasons why- he told me this was because he did not feel like this was cheating, even though he knew he betrayed me, and said he knew he would not have been flirting with other girls if we were in an official relationship. He insisted he knew he wanted me, and did not see any future with any of those girls, but that he just felt single.

    There are obviously plenty of reasons why I am choosing to stay in this relationship, that I am not discussing here.

    To help me move past this betrayal, I asked if he could get rid of all these girls on his social media platforms. After weeks of me breaking down multiple times, he finally got rid of them a few days ago.

    He, however, today followed a girl on twitter he had flirted with, during the brief time we had been broken up. She had just made a new account. He unfollowed her old account just a few days ago while he was getting rid of the other girls too.

    I felt instant anger and hurt when I saw this. I asked him why, and he said he did not want to be rude and not follow her back.

    She is a random girl on twitter that lives in another country. He has lots of mutuals with her, which is one of his excuses for keeping her on twitter. He said he would get rid of her later on today because he did not want her to notice straight away.

    Am I wrong for asking him to get rid of this girl?
    I am obviously struggling to trust him, I am not asking for opinions on whether I should end this relationship or not...

    I just want advice on this specific issue today, as I feel really controlling, but am unsure if my request is out of order, or if it is justified.

    I just want some opinions before I speak to him later.

    Thank you in advance :) Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating? Unfortunately he is causing you a lot of pain, anger and insecurity and his existence in your life is quite damaging. You should not try to "move on" from repeated cheating, chronic disrespect and being dumped.

    The more you take him back and the more you overlook cheating the more you empower him to walk all over you. You are allowing yourself to be turned into an angry hurting person who feels jealous and discarded regularly.

    Talk to a trusted adult or therapist about why you are "choosing to stay in this relationship". There is no reason to stay in a prison like this.
    Originally Posted by whitesand3
    I'm really struggling
    he (23M) cheated on me a few years ago
    we had broken up and got back together few months later.
    we started seeing eachother again "exclusively", but weren't in an official gf & bf relationship.
    This obviously broke my heart
    weeks of me breaking down multiple times
    I felt instant anger and hurt

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Tell him to get rid of this girl???? you should be telling yourself to get rid of this guy.

  4. #4
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    It's obviously none of my business as to why you are choosing to be with this disrespectful individual. That said, I think you're setting yourself up for heartache but, ultimately, it's your choice.

    "...he told me this was because he did not feel like this was cheating, even though he knew he betrayed me, and said he knew he would not have been flirting with other girls if we were in an official relationship. He insisted he knew he wanted me, and did not see any future with any of those girls, but that he just felt single." How convenient for him, and what bullsh*t. He's a smooth talker, for sure.

    "...he said he did not want to be rude and not follow her back." Are you serious??? Again, this is such bs. And, he's being disrespectful to you, IMHO. He apparently, doesn't care that it bothers you.

    If he truly cared about you, he'd be aware that this bothers you and he should definitely make it a point to get rid of this girl. But, that's just how If feel. It's not such a big thing to ask of him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    So I went back and read all your threads about this guy. You should do the same and then rethink staying in this mess. I wouldn't call it a relationship, more of a codependent kind of thing.

    Here are some facts about cheaters:

    1. They lie
    2. When caught they lie some more
    3. When given another chance they learn to hide it better but still cheat
    4. I love you is a pick up line to them
    5. They are extremely selfish and only really care about their wants
    6. They are really good at making excuses "I was drunk"
    7. They are really good at turning it back on you the victim.
    8. They will continue to cheat because they can

    I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.

    You cannot be the relationship police with this guy and monitor who he talks to and who he spends time with. What kind of relationship is that anyways?

    If you have a talk and agree to boundaries then that is that and you both need to abide by them, not run around checking on him to see if he is actually doing what he says he will do or not do.

    He has been this way for years and I do not see any reason he would change. He obviously doesn't love you or he wouldn't be treating you this way. He knows he has you hooked and you will keep forgiving him so when will it be to much for you to continue? How many more times does he have to cheat before you finally dump him for good?

    It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a drunken night out and it wasn't because he "lost feelings for you" he cheated because he wanted to have sex with someone else while dating you. It is that simple.

    Have people moved on from cheating? Yes but the cheater did extraordinary things to build the trust back, what has this guy done? Forgiveness by you is only part of the equation, but he holds the answer.

    I am sorry but if you stay with him prepare yourself for more betrayal and heartbreak.

    Lost

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is such a good list it belongs in the ENA famous quotes: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Here are some facts about cheaters:

    1. They lie
    2. When caught they lie some more
    3. When given another chance they learn to hide it better but still cheat
    4. I love you is a pick up line to them
    5. They are extremely selfish and only really care about their wants
    6. They are really good at making excuses "I was drunk"
    7. They are really good at turning it back on you the victim.
    8. They will continue to cheat because they can

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by whitesand3
    I (23F) have been in a relationship for a few years, he (23M) cheated on me a few years ago, we had broken up and got back together few months later. Trust had obviously been broken due to this.

    Recently, he broke up with me due to communication issues. About 3 weeks later, we started seeing eachother again "exclusively", but weren't in an official gf & bf relationship.

    I found out about a month ago that he had actually been flirting with girls online and in clubs the entire 3 months of us being exclusive, all while telling me he loved me and that he was thinking of making the relationship official once we had rebuilt a stronger foundation. He kept telling me he was being loyal, and he knew I was too, because we had agreed on being exclusive.

    This obviously broke my heart and brought the little trust I still had in him back to square one. After a heated conversation and a few days, (I know this is going to sound absurd to a lot of people), we made our relationship official. Few reasons why- he told me this was because he did not feel like this was cheating, even though he knew he betrayed me, and said he knew he would not have been flirting with other girls if we were in an official relationship. He insisted he knew he wanted me, and did not see any future with any of those girls, but that he just felt single.

    To help me move past this betrayal, I asked if he could get rid of all these girls on his social media platforms. After weeks of me breaking down multiple times, he finally got rid of them a few days ago.

    He, however, today followed a girl on twitter he had flirted with, during the brief time we had been broken up. She had just made a new account. He unfollowed her old account just a few days ago while he was getting rid of the other girls too.

    I felt instant anger and hurt when I saw this. I asked him why, and he said he did not want to be rude and not follow her back.

    Am I wrong for asking him to get rid of this girl?
    I am obviously struggling to trust him,

    I just want advice on this specific issue today, as I feel really controlling, but am unsure if my request is out of order, or if it is justified.

    The glaring pattern that I am seeing throughout your post is the following: no trust. Bottom line, you do not trust this person. Trust is the solid foundation upon which all relationships are built. Without it, the foundation begins to crumble away, and leads to the very real problems you are experiencing (i.e. feeling controlling, feeling angry and hurt, feeling betrayed, feeling unsure of yourself and whether or not your requests are justified, etc)

    Being in a relationship in which there is no trust oftentimes brings out the worst in us. Paranoia, suspicion, insecurity, doubt.......these all come right to the surface and cause us to do things we would never otherwise even think of, if the trust was already solidly in place.

    I will be frank with you: whether or not you receive any opinions as to the justification (or lack thereof) of your request, this will in no way be helpful nor change your situation. The fact that there is no trust will ultimately doom this relationship. You will either continue to be miserable in a relationship without any trust, or the relationship will end. One or the other, there is no happy ending here.

    The only way this relationship will possibly be a successful and happy one is if somehow trust is built to the point at which it is solid. However, building back trust requires effort on both sides, something your boyfriend has demonstrated to have zero interest in doing. He keeps repeating the same mistakes instead of learning from them and striving to do better.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hopefully you did not move in together. What is the reason you "have to" stay in this relationship?
    Originally Posted by whitesand3
    We are also moving in together at University in a couple weeks, and I am worried he might cheat again.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Once a cheater, always a cheater. Same with liars, deceiving types, betrayers, gaslighters, sociopaths, narcissists and the whole ugly lot. Stay away from those types of creatures.

    Yes, you are controlling because you have to be. Be in a sound relationship where there is no controlling required in the first place. A healthy relationship is smooth, harmonious, compatible, stable, secure, normal, calm and happy.

    Your request is not out of order and yes, it's justified. Just know that that your justified requests will be ENDLESS. The only time you will stop your justified requests is when your boyfriend covers his tracks better and becomes an expert so he will proceed his slyness undetected. He'll be an old pro by then and all right under your nose!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    This guy is immature and keeps blatantly disrespecting your feelings. This leads to a relationship dynamic where you are forced to play cop all the time. Obviously this is unhealthy and no trust (in your case justifiably so)=no relationship. Sadly he is not going to change for as long as he finds girls that enable him and put up with his disrespect. Do the math.

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