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Thread: Should I accept my partners need to have ex lovers on Social media pages?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2020

    Should I accept my partners need to have ex lovers on Social media pages?

    I have been in a relationship as friends and casual lovers for 5 years with a great person whom I have fallen in love with. We have been dating for 1 year and have become engaged for past 3 months. We have 20 years between us in age.

    My partner was rather permiscuous throughout life when we first met for us it was innocent good meeting and proper build of a relationship with a little I'd say too quick sex at start. I slowed that down right away and we became best frinds and now engaged. I put up with the other people as we were not comitted and it was never in my face and I saw it as still finding ones self after my partner had a bad teen and younger years with partners.

    The issue.
    My partners social media has a pile of ex lovers ex Partners amd ex just s lol. I dont think my partner should have any exs unless they are parents of the kids on any social media or phone contact list or media feed. My partner disagrees sees nothing wrong with ex lovers and s on Face book instagram snap chat messenger text.

    I cleaned my social media of all potential and past dates on my social media when we became serious last year. I suggested my partner do the same. Ingot anger defensive approach total deflection and agression and complete refusal then blocked me from all social media. Eventually cooler heads prevailed back on partners FB but told very clearly dont ever raise that issue im just jealous. With arguments like if I cant trust then we have no relationship. I left it and said I didnt ask you to do anything i suggested and showed what I did as an example. Zero interest in changing.

    We have been back and forth on this for months and as I catch exs making stupid comments or read messages that ask for sex or obvious get togethers I get in a fight as i state this is why they need gone off your page. They mean nothing to our life today and future. My partner says that nothing occured never responded ignored the comment or stayed look I'm inna relationship and not interested. My position is that's good but delete them so it does not happen we have no room innyour life for them.

    So am I wrong to want and expect my partner to delete all past lovers s and single people who are trying to hook up? Side not my partner is very attractive and cant walk down a street without getting asked out. Which is fine I just dont expect them to follow on FB a week later then become friends on FB 2 weeks after that.

    Second part to social media my partner has snap chat and refuses to friend me amd Instagram changed the snap chat from the one with many friends to a new one with just 1 but still wont let me on as a friend. Then recently stopped using the instagram profile with 350 people on it opened a new one without deleting the old one amd now has 50 friends and added me. The other one just sits there.

    Am I wrong to expect a separation of life from past to present and cut ties with exs or am I just too old and out of touch with new way? I'm 59 my partner is 36.

    Thoughts cause I am told I am just jealous and out of touch with social media ways for the modern times. Lol.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Unfortunately he wants more of an open relationship than you do. If you can handle his other lovers continue, if not reconsider. In the meantime, get tested for STDs and use protection. Is he a professional escort or gigolo?
    Originally Posted by Kelly G
    We have been dating for 1 year. I'm 59 my partner is 36.

    Zero interest in changing.

    I catch exs making stupid comments or read messages that ask for sex or obvious get togethers.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    central Florida
    You're wrong in that when you two were not on the same page about something so important, that you continued on in the relationship. The secret to relationship happiness is to make sure your partner matches you in all the important ways such as ethics, relationship boundaries, lifetime goals.

    Age gap relationships of 20 or more years have a 95 percent failure rate. He will retire 23 years after you do. You'll be at home all day without a companion while he continues to work another 20 years. He might be okay with your appearance now, but will he be able to handle the difference when you're 70 and he's 47? A guy with a harem doesn't sound like he could possess that type of love where love transcends the extreme age difference of dating someone who is old enough to be his mother.

    I suggest dating someone who doesn't frustrate you on a daily basis with these major differences, and someone closer to your age so that you're in a similar stage of life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    I think you need to trust your own instinct and gut in this situation.

    The problems I see from your explanation:

    1. Anger, ignoring/blocking you and demanding a topic never be brought up again. Is not how conflicts should be resolved. This is major manipulation.

    2. Declaring you are just jealous and that's the problem, is gas lighting you.

    3. They are holding on to all these people as potential back ups. And is not as invested in this relationship as you are. Engaged or not.

    4. They are hiding something. That's why they won't friend you on certain platforms


  6. #5
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Originally Posted by Kelly G
    Ingot anger defensive approach total deflection and agression and complete refusal then blocked me from all social media. Eventually cooler heads prevailed back on partners FB but told very clearly dont ever raise that issue im just jealous. Zero interest in changing.

    refuses to friend me ... still wont let me on as a friend.
    These seem to be way bigger problems than him having exes on his fb. He sounds like an arrogant attention seeker and more importantly, he doesn't respect you. You have no say in this relationship. Why do you think he's a great person when he treats you this way?

    Back to your question, you are not wrong for not wanting him to stay in contact with those exes. He's not wrong for wanting to keep them either. You are just not on the same page in that aspect. A very important aspect of a relationship IMO. There is no point trying to bend him to fit into your boundaries if he doesn't want to. However what happens now is that you are bending over backwards yourself to fit in his ways. Not fair and not sustainable.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Don't marry this person.

    Kelly is a unisex name and you haven't used any gender pronouns. Are you male or female and is your partner male or female?

    You both have differences in the way you conduct yourselves and treat your exes and this is never going to be compatible in the long run. I lived with someone for a short period and also saw a revolving door of exes. I think there are deep psychological roots or ties to those people and they represent grounding in some way and those people represent a type of family.

    That family is a grounding force and a groundwork for stability in an otherwise unstable mind or unstable person's life.

    All those poor qualities like gaslighting, hiding, anger, hostility, avoidance have developed as defense mechanisms.

    Did you also sleep with other people while your partner was promiscuous? Or was it a one-sided agreement while you remained faithful?

    I think the relationship appears one-sided and extremely dysfunctional and you've set your bar so exceedingly low, vaulting it to the heights of demands for monogamy, faithfulness and your idea of what a marriage is is too late. The behaviours and habits and everything else you dislike have already been set through years of tolerance and dysfunction.

    Why do you allow yourself to tolerate dysfunction?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    This is so inappropriate. They are not just friends. He is cheating.

    This guy has no respect for you and relationship, he then blocks, blocks and gas lights you. He sounds like a real jerk.

    I really do not understand how you think you can have any future with someone like this? He will never change.

    Get tested! Then dum this clown, and ask yourself why your expectations are so low.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-09-2020 at 10:49 AM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    You two should not be getting married.

    You have totally different views on boundaries that make a dating relationship difficult - imagine how hard marriage is going to be. There are several issues here, one of which is your partner's insistence on keeping exes around.

    The others? Poor conflict resolution skills, keeping you a secret on social media, nasty behaviour like blocking and gas-lighting. May I ask who proposed to whom, and why?

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Kelly here thanks for the response. I didnt say what my fender was as I did not want to ignite a bias view. I am a male I am the older one. We have been from what i understand monogamous since we started dating seriously. Previous we both had other relations me not so many lol. She has had many but that is not a measure of her now and i would not want to have that as a measure of anyone past is past I always say just domt let your past become part of my present. So in the past year since we became serious I have had mo there lovers or dates or interest she is the same I believe although she is asked out 20 time's a week and she says no she still cant seem to cut her ties to the past.

    So if she is monogamous and so am I the social media being a tipping issue. We really have no other issue and she is with me all the time. Should I let this desire to stay connected stand and hope over time she on her own time vets those names off her life. I can say that she has cut way way back in number of single males on her page over the last few arguements we had but she did it weeks later when I said nothing. She has also began cutting several numbers of exs off her page. But some still exist. Again this was after a blow out and I just left it alone and told her it brothers me.

    Last two blow outs I said to her I could just meet you at same level and reopen myboage to ex lovers amd girls interested in me and would she like that. I just emd with I could but I wont as that does nothing for us playing for tat. I told her back when I fell innlove instated shedding my female past and when we became serious I closed my social media to all single females that didnt have a good honest reason for being on my feeds told her she is my body interest amd i know she has come to think of me same way when she does same. Her view is I'm just jealous amd if she does not contact them or speak to them or meet up or get into anything more then a causal comment on a FB post then why worry.

    So guess I ask should people in a relationship that's serious purge there social media and lives of all exs no matter what old friends or not if you ed once they are out of your future life. If they want to you or you them but just never did gone from social media. There are always exceptions in life but I'd have to feel comfortable with that person. Obviously past fathers of her kids are always welcome to communicate.

    Does that make me wrong to say cut all toes with single males trying to friend you or ex lovers or causal s or old friends you ed. What's the protocols for relationships?

  11. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    I proposed but she hinted rather heavy it was time. Just like when we became serious dating she said she told her dad after all these years she finally decided to date me seriously and it just sorta became that we were dating and she expected me to be her sole mate and she said same back no more casual guys she was done with that life.

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