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So my boyfriend has made several comments about...


nrey60

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So my boyfriend has made several comments now about me posting up Instagram stories/pictures. Need advice, help?

 

Now before continuing, let me just go into detail that I’m not a social media person at all. All of my posts contain him and our family. When it comes to posting myself, I don’t show off my body, or take any revealing pictures showing anything off. I post myself maybe 1/2 x a month. At that. It’s literally just my face. Sometimes I upload a video of me and it’s just looking into the camera for like 5 seconds and it’s over. Now apparently, the food I post on Instagram stories, that I made for MY family is also “seeking attention from men”. Why you may ask? Because apparently in his opinion, men like women who cook food and since I’m posting up the meals I’m proud of, that’s asking for attention from a man.

 

I will say this. He is one of the most hard working men I’ve ever known. And he’s an amazing father; that I will never take away from him. He truly is the love of my life, and I’m blessed to have two beautiful baby boys with him. And he is a very good, sweet, and considerate partner. We do both love each very much and we don’t get into much fights at all. The fights that we have gotten into however have just been financial.

 

We do talk about marriage, and he does want to get married. He talks about how he would imagine our wedding and does tell me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Other than what I’ve mentioned above and the whole Instagram thing. That’s pretty much it. He’s a wonderful provider. I just don’t understand why me posting up things on Instagram is so “attention seeking”. I don’t want to block him from my social media because damn, that’s my kids father, I deem that so unnecessary.

 

We got into an argument and he told me of out anger (which is usually the truth), that he would rather me delete him than for him to see me post another thing because to him I’m desperate for attention. And then he just goes back as to how it should be obvious that putting up pictures of food and myself (once in a blue moon), is automatically asking for guys to hit me up.

 

Please, if anyone has a perspective on this or advice. IMO, it sounds like he’s just insecure that a man will message me and magically take me away. Instead of embracing me, or complimenting me on the picture I took, he shames me. No matter how many times I reassure how it would NEVER happen, and all I do is show him off and our sons. Seems like it’s not enough.

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Well yes, Instagram does have a reputation for being a place for some women to get lots of free attention and to feel good about themselves. But I agree with Holly that he has some deeper issues. Men like women who cook, so you are seeking attention by posting food? I say block him as he wishes. He doesn't have the right to control your access to social media. I could understand a little more if you were posting bikini shots or the like, but since you don't, he needs to talk to someone about his insecurity issues and to stop being so controlling.

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This isn't about you seeking attention. It's about his deep, deep insecurity - and his disrespect for you.

 

He is automatically thinking the worst of you and your intentions. This otherwise amazing man thinks you're the type of woman to actively search out other men. In other words, he doesn't think highly of you at all. No way would I pander to that by stopping your social media activity. You're not doing anything out of line. He's being absurd.

 

Where is this all coming from? Has he been irrationally jealous before? Any chance he is the one seeking out women online, and projecting on to you?

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Jealousy, possessiveness, being this controlling are all huge red flags. Take his advice. Block and delete him and all his people from all your social media. Be savvy and severely restrict your content to only trusted friends and family. Completely reset all your privacy setting on social media.

 

Do you work? Are you living together? Are you financially dependent on him? Can you and your kids move back home with family? Why is his danging marriage talk after all this time and 2 kids?

I’m blessed to have two beautiful baby boys with him.
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The financial issues we’ve had before have been when I was pregnant and on disability. Usually it would always be about how he was paying for everything. And I get it, there was more responsibility on him at that time. But on my second pregnancy with our son, when I was on disability, I barely had him pay for anything. And throughout both of the times I have been on disability, he only ever paid my bills maybe twice? It’s like if I complained about something, or I actually had feelings on a topic, he would then throw that he spent this or bought this in my face.

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To be honest, it all started about 2/3 weeks ago when I did my makeup for the first time in a while and I took a video selfie of myself. Again I’m not showing anything off or being revealing. It’s literally just my face. And when I asked him if he thought I looked nice, initially when he saw me he said I looked amazing and so on. But then that turned into, “You look like you’re desperate for attention, and you look dumb with faces you make..etc.” I’m like what? Like IMO, I would think you be proud and happy you have a good looking girlfriend. He has made comments before in the past but never to this extreme. I feel like because we argued yesterday, he just brings that up to hurt my feelings.

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When I told him, I didn’t want to block him, because to me that meant that everyone (and everyone to me is MY immediate family not friends) would see we don’t have each other on FB, or Instagram and they would question me why. He said, “See? That just goes to show how obsessed you are with social media.” But that’s not the point. My mom would be worried and obviously would ask me, why isn’t he on your FB anymore? And I would have to explain the ridiculous reason why I blocked him. Since we got together, we’ve been together 3 years. I’m 22, and he’s turning 30, he stopped posting stuff in regards to him. He only posts about me and him or him and his sons. But other than that, it’s a once in a blue moon that he does post. He’s not extremely active on Instagram. He’s a little more active on FB bc of his family. So he doesn’t post anything that I could complain about.

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To be honest, it all started about 2/3 weeks ago when I did my makeup for the first time in a while and I took a video selfie of myself. Again I’m not showing anything off or being revealing. It’s literally just my face. And when I asked him if he thought I looked nice, initially when he saw me he said I looked amazing and so on. But then that turned into, “You look like you’re desperate for attention, and you look dumb with faces you make..etc.” I’m like what? Like IMO, I would think you be proud and happy you have a good looking girlfriend. He has made comments before in the past but never to this extreme. I feel like because we argued yesterday, he just brings that up to hurt my feelings.

 

Can I ask why you felt the need to post a picture of your face on instagram? I can relate to wanting to show your friends in a private message or private group but what motivated you to post on Instagram? But the separate issue is yes he is being far too controlling. He sounds like the guy I dated in 2005 who peered into my purse which I'd opened to find whatever and said "you have a lot of business cards in there" - he said "I thought you told me you don't like (maybe it was either "networking" -although I did -or "collecting cards"). Anyway it was alarming to me that he'd comment like that (truth is they were cards from a business event I'd recently attended). Other similar comments followed. It was the main reason we stopped dating after 6 weeks. We're still in touch 15 years later as FB friends - he's in his 50s and single. He's good looking, educated, intelligent, extremely caring and...... I'm sure healthy women run from him (he told me he was working on his insecurities with his therapist -he was -things improved for about a week after that comment and three weeks later I was through -it didn't last).

 

I say run now. But also consider why you feel the need to post a photo of you wearing makeup on social media.

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It was a story I posted up, so it only last 24 hours. In my honest opinion, I felt I looked really pretty, and I just wanted to take a picture of myself. The only people who would even respond, saying I look good or any comments, would be my girl friends not any guys. It wasn’t an actual post on my Instagram. To me, I feel like instead of embracing me and knowing he has a beautiful woman, he shames me and guilts me for posting things up. When I only post myself maybe 1 a month if at that. I do everything for him and take him into consideration all the time. I would like to say I’m a very good and caring partner. Not to say I’m perfect bc I have my faults as well. But sometimes, he says really hurtful things. And I’ve told him, when are you gonna learn your boundaries and stop saying things on purpose to hurt me? And he said never. He’s always going to be that way apparently. BUT the problem is he’s not like that in general. It’s only ever when we fight he turns into this terrible person who has no respect for me or my feelings. It really sucks.

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The financial issues we’ve had before have been when I was pregnant and on disability. Usually it would always be about how he was paying for everything. And I get it, there was more responsibility on him at that time. But on my second pregnancy with our son, when I was on disability, I barely had him pay for anything. And throughout both of the times I have been on disability, he only ever paid my bills maybe twice? It’s like if I complained about something, or I actually had feelings on a topic, he would then throw that he spent this or bought this in my face.

 

This to me is a huge red flag too. Why does he have to use his contribution during your pregnancy (and sounds like it wasn't even that much) to belittle you and dismiss your feelings? Be very cautious about men who don't respect your opinion or feelings. Since you already have two children together, I would suggest counseling, though I doubt these set dynamics will easily change.

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If I read it correctly from your posts, OP, you got together with your bf when you were 19 and him in his mid/late 20s. The age difference, and the fact that you became pregnant and somewhat financially dependent on him not too long after, probably have contributed to him treating you (maybe subconsciously) as his inferior and accessory. The social media thing is just a symptom of that I'm afraid. And him seeing that in a partner also shows his insecurity - he might not be comfortable with a partner who stands on an equal footing.

 

That's just my theory, but I'd reflect on the relationship beyond the Instagram arguments. You said he would "throw it in your face" that he spent for this and that. He said things purposefully to hurt you. That is not a sweet, considerate partner. It sounds abusive.

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The financial issues we’ve had before have been when I was pregnant and on disability. Usually it would always be about how he was paying for everything. And I get it, there was more responsibility on him at that time. But on my second pregnancy with our son, when I was on disability, I barely had him pay for anything. And throughout both of the times I have been on disability, he only ever paid my bills maybe twice? It’s like if I complained about something, or I actually had feelings on a topic, he would then throw that he spent this or bought this in my face.

 

What about this behavior makes him a great man and a great provider? This ^ is the opposite of a great provider or even just a basic normal man who supports his growing family.

 

As for his accusations of you seeking attention, besides the fact that they are absurd, you should take a really good close look at his hard working ways. Many a cheater hides that or even an entire double life under the guise of work work work....sooo busy with working and mysteriously you don't have enough money. Accusing you in absurd ways keeps you off balance, messes with your head, and leaves you on the defensive never looking at what he is doing. Even if he isn't cheating, his attitude toward women is toxic and hateful. He basically views all women as attention seeking h....s. Again, not exactly the definition of a good man.

 

You can't undo having kids with him, but for the love of, don't marry him. This guy has big issues. Huge and you can't even talk to him because he'll attack you verbally and dismiss you. You are ignoring enough red flags to supply all of China here.

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You need to confidentially and privately tell your family about the emotional and verbal abuse. Stop putting on a fake show that he's so wonderful, everything is great, etc. It isn't. This isn't about makeup selfies.

 

Read up on verbal/emotional abuse and see if any of it fits your situation. Stop defending yourself, stop begging for his approval, stop arguing. Walk away when he starts in on you. You are hurting your kids with all the fights and struggles. This is Not about Instagram.

It’s only ever when we fight he turns into this terrible person who has no respect for me or my feelings. It really sucks.
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It was a story I posted up, so it only last 24 hours. In my honest opinion, I felt I looked really pretty, and I just wanted to take a picture of myself. The only people who would even respond, saying I look good or any comments, would be my girl friends not any guys. It wasn’t an actual post on my Instagram. To me, I feel like instead of embracing me and knowing he has a beautiful woman, he shames me and guilts me for posting things up. When I only post myself maybe 1 a month if at that. I do everything for him and take him into consideration all the time. I would like to say I’m a very good and caring partner. Not to say I’m perfect bc I have my faults as well. But sometimes, he says really hurtful things. And I’ve told him, when are you gonna learn your boundaries and stop saying things on purpose to hurt me? And he said never. He’s always going to be that way apparently. BUT the problem is he’s not like that in general. It’s only ever when we fight he turns into this terrible person who has no respect for me or my feelings. It really sucks.

 

Again I think he is acting like a jerk and that is an understatement.

 

Separate from this relationship I would examine deeply why you need accolades from all of your followers about your physical features. That is the epitome of being a "social media person". I would look into that for your future both as a parent, a person, and, someday as a partner to someone else. I will click "like" if my girlfriends choose to post a photo like that of themselves to show how pretty their face looks - because I want to be supportive but to me personally it's sad that they need that kind of social media validation of their physical features. Certainly there are exceptions. I've had friends who lost 100 pounds, whose hair grew back after chemo, who got a makeover when battling terminal cancer and wanted to show they are surviving -but the run of the mill "look at meeeee - I put on makeup - look at how pretty I look now!!!!" - I question why that person needs that sort of approval.

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We don't know you, or how honest your point of view is...we have had posters withhold valued information that would change everyones perspective and also we are only getting your side of the story.

 

You find this an issue so you have no choice but to discuss things with your BF. You both need to express how this makes you both feel, what the expectations are, and ask what both of you can do to resolve this...communication is key in order to provide a healthy outcome.

 

If that fails, seek out counseling.

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His behavior is coming from fear.

 

When things are calm and there has not been an argument sit down with him and ask him why he is reacting the way he is. Ask him to be brutally honest about his feelings so you can understand why he is acting so entrusting and unloving towards you.

 

If you can understand where he is coming from then perhaps you can ease his fears. Should that be your job? No it shouldn't but I can see you love him deeply and will not leave him over this so you need to try and understand where it is coming from.

 

There is no harm in talking and when you are calmly talking you need to express to him how much his words hurt you. Make sure he understands how deeply his words cut.

 

You are a couple and have children together and you should not let some stupid social media thing that has brought out his fears ruin a family. If talking calmly does not work then if you attend church you can ask to speak to your pasture or counselor.

 

It is all to easy for us on a forum that are not living through your troubles to tell you to leave him and label him as this or that. He may be abusive, he may get worse but that is for you to decide and then for you to decide what to do about it.

 

If you think talking face to face will not have the affect you want then write a letter to him explaining how all this makes you feel and how it is hurting the love you share. Then give it to him and ask him to read it privately, think about it for a while and then you both can talk. This approach allows him time to digest your words and feelings instead of just reacting to them.

 

Everyone in the world is insecure in one way or another, his has put him on a path that very well may make his worst fears come true...

 

Lost

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So my boyfriend has made several comments now about me posting up Instagram stories/pictures. Need advice, help?

 

Now before continuing, let me just go into detail that I’m not a social media person at all. All of my posts contain him and our family. When it comes to posting myself, I don’t show off my body, or take any revealing pictures showing anything off. I post myself maybe 1/2 x a month. At that. It’s literally just my face. Sometimes I upload a video of me and it’s just looking into the camera for like 5 seconds and it’s over. Now apparently, the food I post on Instagram stories, that I made for MY family is also “seeking attention from men”. Why you may ask? Because apparently in his opinion, men like women who cook food and since I’m posting up the meals I’m proud of, that’s asking for attention from a man.

 

I will say this. He is one of the most hard working men I’ve ever known. And he’s an amazing father; that I will never take away from him. He truly is the love of my life, and I’m blessed to have two beautiful baby boys with him. And he is a very good, sweet, and considerate partner. We do both love each very much and we don’t get into much fights at all. The fights that we have gotten into however have just been financial.

 

We do talk about marriage, and he does want to get married. He talks about how he would imagine our wedding and does tell me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Other than what I’ve mentioned above and the whole Instagram thing. That’s pretty much it. He’s a wonderful provider. I just don’t understand why me posting up things on Instagram is so “attention seeking”. I don’t want to block him from my social media because damn, that’s my kids father, I deem that so unnecessary.

 

We got into an argument and he told me of out anger (which is usually the truth), that he would rather me delete him than for him to see me post another thing because to him I’m desperate for attention. And then he just goes back as to how it should be obvious that putting up pictures of food and myself (once in a blue moon), is automatically asking for guys to hit me up.

 

Please, if anyone has a perspective on this or advice. IMO, it sounds like he’s just insecure that a man will message me and magically take me away. Instead of embracing me, or complimenting me on the picture I took, he shames me. No matter how many times I reassure how it would NEVER happen, and all I do is show him off and our sons. Seems like it’s not enough.

 

He is insecure and jealous. Unless you're posting nude pics and messaging tons of men, i don't see what his problem is. He is just insecure. He needs to get over it! Sounds a tad controlling that does.

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