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Thread: can't get over this breakup (1+ years) and it's wrecking my life

  1. #1
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    can't get over this breakup (1+ years) and it's wrecking my life

    Posting here out of desperation because my inability to get over this breakup (nearly a year and a half ago) is sinking my entire life. My grief about this is so overwhelming I have twice been rejected for therapy following assessment; they kept saying I wasnít in the right place for it but didnít offer me any help in the meantime. I need to do something though. Time isn't helping. Being so 'no contact' I wouldn't know if he died isn't helping. Attempting to date other people isn't helping. I really don't want my life to be ruined by this relationship and breakup but it's very much going that direction.

    Context because it might explain why Iím finding this so hard to come to terms with: Ex broke up with me nearly 18 months ago after 2 years on/off. I had lots of anxiety about losing him. Tried to bottle it up around him but it wrecked the first iteration of our relationship (I still canít forgive myself for that). When we got back together a few months later, I coped by being the most chill and, in retrospect, didnít ask for enough. Throughout our relationship, we were sexually enthralled with each other. We had the mutually acknowledged best sex of our livesóapparently much better than with his now gfó and part of me still has trouble believing he gave that up.

    It emerged after another year that he had simultaneously been seeing someone else and that she had given him an ultimatum. He dramatically went back and forth between us a few times before settling on her for good. He made it clear that he was deciding between us about who to settle down with, that it had been a difficult decision, but he had to be practical and could only live with/marry/have children with one woman. (Two weeks before this heíd asked me what I thought it would be like if we got married and had a baby.) He seemed to have developed this tiresome good girl/bad girl, wife/mistress, Madonna/ thing with us. But it felt like he was giving her a future and condemning me to go through life alone (weíre at the age where these are make or break relationships: either you end up with someone and build a life or get left behind to go it all alone, without love or intimacy).

    He initially didn't make moving on easy: he kept messaging me that he loved me. We met up to disentangle our lives and he kept touching me. Another meeting months later ended in bedóa result heíd apparently premeditated. He told me they were having boring sex and that he thought about me all the time. We met up a couple more timesóhim instigating and with predictable results.

    He quickly confessed our dalliances to his girlfriend. They briefly broke up and got back together. He sent me a letter telling me that and that he was addicted to me. Asked me to never contact him again and blocked me everywhere.

    And thatís it. Itís been months and months and Iím still blocked and heís still reformed. It seems like the near loss of her was the shock he needed to stop cheating and fix other things in his life. I canít imagine heíll ever risk being in contact with me again. I love him so I genuinely want him to be happy and healthy, to not self-destruct again. But I am still drowning in grief over our breakup and over this seemingly great, committed, future-oriented relationship he nearly gave me and is now having with someone else. Heís treated me terribly but all in the service of preserving this relationship with her. He was capable of commitment and consistency all along. He strung us both along for years and then gave her a great relationship at the end of it. Part of me is just aghast that after everything, it's worked out for them.

    I donít know much about their lives (by design) but just the knowledge that theyíre happily living together nearby rips me apart on a daily basis. It feels like somehow she got all my happinessówhich maybe I could accept or at least understand if she were extraordinary. But sheís basic. I have fairly low self-esteem but she is like a less attractive, less intelligent version of me (we even look alike). Mutual friends told me she basically adopted his personality and his interests and worships him. He himself told me she was a "blank slate"! But I'm increasingly realising this is his forever relationship.

    So his life is rushing away from me and Iím stranded in this out of date grief, staring at the void of his absence--because thereís nowhere else to look. Nothing has changed for me since the breakup; the universe hasnít given me anything else good. Iím rarely attracted to or interested in anyone and havenít been in the years since we met. Iím increasingly aware how rare that connection is and it seems itís just never going to happen for me again. Every few months I scroll through dating apps with this growing nausea, sickened by what I have lost (and his gf has), what Iíd have to settle with. I can never bring myself to meet people anymore. If I ever found someone I liked as much, the odds of him liking me back enough to commit to me the way ex has to his gf seem astronomical. Iím more likely to be struck by lightning.

    So Iíve basically accepted Iíll never have another relationship. But with that comes with a whole other bottomless well of grief. In addition to him, I have to grieve this coupled life I thought Iíd get, any children I thought Iíd have, myself as a sexual being. I canít imagine a moment in my life when I wonít be devastated by all this. Iíll be 60 and still wishing he had chosen differently.

    I still think about him constantly; so much reminds me of him. Iím still jolting awake each morning, remembering the breakup with a surge of nausea. My thoughts and emotions about it havenít evolved since the immediate frantic aftermath. I even had a near-death experience in the autumn and once the immediate fear and trauma subsided, I immediately went back to obsessing over him.

    Nothing makes me feel better about it. I have spent this weekend pathetically sobbing about him, thinking about him, fantasising about himówhile across town he and his girlfriend are supporting each other and having quarantine sex and leading a life that is 10,000x better than mine. I donít know why I didnít deserve that happiness and got this instead. I really need to come to terms with this and make do with the joy I can get but I feel poisoned by my unabated feelings for him and my memories and his perfect ing 'forever' relationship.

    How do I make peace with this so it doesn't keep cannibalising me? It's practically all i think about.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    How do you get rejected for therapy? My understanding is you hire a therapist and they provide services in exchange for payment.

    I do think it's vital you get into therapy. A former friend of mine was institutionalized after a breakup that happened in 1995! She didn't get the help she needed until nearly two decades after the breakup.

    Please see if you can sign up for either online or text therapy.

  3. #3
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    According to your original thread this has been over for over three years.

    Please seek out another therapist. For some reason you are choosing to hold onto a relationship that has never been good.This guy sounds like he is was a real abusive POS. Did you grow up in this type of environment?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You dont give up on therapy because you were rejected twice. How does that even happen?

    Start calling local therapists and see what you can do about setting up an appt. with one, most likely online due to covid 19.

    You need to be more pro active about sorting yourself out so you dont waste your entire life because of this guy.

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    Different relationship.

    I was rejected for therapy by the state healthcare system in my country and then by the low-cost private service they referred me to. No one has health insurance here and so you have to pay out of pocket for private therapy, which is very expensive and out of my reach at the moment. My only option is to somehow get into a better place with this myself and then try to get through the assessments again.

    (sorry this is response to hollyj)

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    You dont give up on therapy because you were rejected twice. How does that even happen?

    Start calling local therapists and see what you can do about setting up an appt. with one, most likely online due to covid 19.

    You need to be more pro active about sorting yourself out so you dont waste your entire life because of this guy.
    As I explained in another reply, I was rejected by the state-run healthcare system and by the low-cost service they referred me to in the meantime. Both told me i wasn't in the right place emotionally for intensive therapy but didn't offer me any other services to try to reach a better state of mind. I have a diagnosis that means i probably need a very specific form of therapy (DBT) and that traditionally comes with lots of conditions. I need something to make me handle this better on my own before they'll accept me.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    How do you get rejected for therapy? My understanding is you hire a therapist and they provide services in exchange for payment.

    I do think it's vital you get into therapy. A former friend of mine was institutionalized after a breakup that happened in 1995! She didn't get the help she needed until nearly two decades after the breakup.

    Please see if you can sign up for either online or text therapy.
    Unfortunately, it's not that simple. I need a specialised form of intensive therapy (based on a diagnosis I have) and it's commonly understood that you can't undertake it when you're extremely distressed or in a moment of crisis. Unfortunately, my crisis has been going on for nearly a year and a half... Private therapy is also prohibitively expensive in my home country and I'm very likely to be rejected from that too.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by kaninchen
    Different relationship.

    I was rejected for therapy by the state healthcare system in my country and then by the low-cost private service they referred me to. No one has health insurance here and so you have to pay out of pocket for private therapy, which is very expensive and out of my reach at the moment. My only option is to somehow get into a better place with this myself and then try to get through the assessments again.

    (sorry this is response to hollyj)
    Sorry, I thought it was the same guy. Was this guy also abusive?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Have you googled online or text therapy? Those services exist and are less costly.

  11. #10
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    This guy is a real POW. I don't understand what either of you see in him? He treated you terribly?

    Have you blocked this guy?

    I am curious as to what your childhood was like? Do you have friends and an active social life??

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