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Thread: Wrestling with depression and grief after breakup

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ArchieAnon
    Thank you for this. It was my fault that we were not a confirmed couple -- I kept telling her I felt uncomfortable with the circumstances and the baggage and that it was not a good time for us (I realize now that this is silly because we were basically a couple without the label). She always said she was willing to wait until I felt ready and that circumstances are temporary.
    Read this again. Take time to reflect on what a wise choice that was, OP.

    It would have been silly to get in a relationship with her unless and until she had moved out. She didn't change her circumstances. Is that your fault? No. It's not. She had months to change something, and evidently, she didn't. Stop blaming yourself for things that were totally out of your hands. Think about it: "Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend! You'll be seeing lots of her here at my place. Why? Oh, only because she still lives with her ex so we can't hang at her place. We don't want to disturb him. Toodles!" See how ridiculous that sounds? You knew it, too.

    Again, because this was your first relationship (so to speak) you don't have a real reference point for what a healthy connection and viable relationship prospect looks like. This wasn't it. I am sure you clicked with her on some levels, but man, you can do a lot better than some chick who's still shacked up with her ex. That had red flags all over it from the beginning. It says more about her character than you realize yet, it seems.

  2. #12
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    I am sorry OP, but this never had a chance. The lack of time spent together and living with the ex made it impossible to have a relationship.

    Please block and delete her on everything and in time you will feel much better.

    BTW, I would not have committed to someone who was living with an ex. This was not your fault.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent reason. Listen to your own common sense.
    Originally Posted by ArchieAnon
    She was living with her ex all the way until I ended things in January, which is one of the reasons I let her go

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I am sorry OP, but this never had a chance. The lack of time spent together and living with the ex made it impossible to have a relationship.

    Please block and delete her on everything and in time you will feel much better.

    BTW, I would not have committed to someone who was living with an ex. This was not your fault.
    We spent plenty of time with one another over video chat, phone calls, and text messages. Video chats especially. That comprised the majority of our relationship. But I suppose that's drastically different than actually spending time with them in person, huh? I guess I just did not realize that because I've never been in a serious relationship like this.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    While her bf is in another room in their house? She was cheating, that's all.
    Originally Posted by ArchieAnon
    Video chats especially. That comprised the majority of our relationship.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ArchieAnon
    We spent plenty of time with one another over video chat, phone calls, and text messages. Video chats especially. That comprised the majority of our relationship. But I suppose that's drastically different than actually spending time with them in person, huh? I guess I just did not realize that because I've never been in a serious relationship like this.
    Video chats, phone calls etc.., do not make a relationship, this is why so many LDRs do not work. I hope that you will learn from this experience, and understand that you need to spend time with someone- in person- for it to be successful.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by ArchieAnon
    We spent plenty of time with one another over video chat, phone calls, and text messages. Video chats especially. That comprised the majority of our relationship. But I suppose that's drastically different than actually spending time with them in person, huh? I guess I just did not realize that because I've never been in a serious relationship like this.
    It's not even close to it, no.

    You can't have real intimacy over video chats. You can't spend quality time together. You can't make memories the same way you can in person. When your relationship is primarily digital and didn't already have the proper foundation offline to support it, (if another party had to temporarily move away for work, for example) then all you really have is a chat buddy. It isn't sustainable long-term.

  9. #18
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    Thank you all for your replies. It means so much to have the support and the reassurance that I did the right thing. I know it's going to be hard moving forward, but I'm going to start taking steps that I need to take to heal, such as blocking on social media.

    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    She wasn't going to grieve this as much as you, simply because her heart wasn't actually in line with yours anymore.
    I'm a bit curious about exactly what you meant here, MissCanuck. Could you explain this? When you say that our hearts weren't aligned anymore, where, from your perspective of course, was my heart in comparison to hers?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the confusion and spins. Been there plenty. Internet hugs and fist bumps.

    I recall your last thread pretty clearly, and think I made the following point there: that the most concrete thing this woman offered you用ast the noise, the drama, the considerable roadblocks that you wisely saw as impediments to anything healthy謡as the sense that there was someone in the world who was really, really into you. Even when she had a boyfriend葉he one she still lived with, and was maybe kinda sorta still with, while dating you葉here seems to be a story that you were the one she really wanted to be with: the good guy, the great guy, the guy she'd been crushing on like no other for four years. Intoxicating stuff for the ego as much as the heart.

    Is part of what you're missing right now the comfort of that? Is part of what makes you feel icky right now is that you know you were seeking that drug-like high from someone you weren't ever going to be serious about? No judgement. It's a classic conflict: feels invigorating to be wanted, to be an object of obsession, even when that comes from someone we know, in our core, is bad for us. So we dance on the edge a bit, enjoying the feeling, telling stories to rationalize the dance, but when it starts to become real, require some form of sincere commitment? That's when logic steps in, and we step off the dance floor. As you've done with her, a few times over now.

    Again, I don't say any of that to chastise you but to give a clearer sense of where this grief and guilt you feel may be coming from. As others have said, and as you've yourself said, there was really nothing here from which to build anything remotely healthy or sustainable, the sort of relationship you can trust to contain two people securely. You don't get that with someone who is living with one man while telling another, right away, that she wants to be with him 4eva and eva. It would be like trying to build a home with damaged, termite-infested wood: a structure built to break, hard and fast.

    It says a lot about you that you backed away: strength, wisdom, a healthy heart. It's understandable that you feel "bad" about all that, since you also gave her a version of the same things she gave you: hope, excitement, a potential portal toward security, an unhealthy indulgence of the ego.

    You are both young, and people much older than you get themselves into similar knots. It is, in short, okay. At some point, hopefully sooner than later, you can forgive yourself, and her, for the whole thing. She has, it's clear, a lot to work out. That's her path, and she'll walk it in whatever way she decides is best for her. But you, too, I think have some important work to do葉o figure out what has kept you compelled with her, to keep approaching the flame and then backing off when the burn kicks in. Explore that a bit, with self-love and kindness, and I think you'll find the edge of grief softens as you grow a few inches emotionally.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for the confusion and spins. Been there plenty. Internet hugs and fist bumps.

    I recall your last thread pretty clearly, and think I made the following point there: that the most concrete thing this woman offered you用ast the noise, the drama, the considerable roadblocks that you wisely saw as impediments to anything healthy謡as the sense that there was someone in the world who was really, really into you. Even when she had a boyfriend葉he one she still lived with, and was maybe kinda sorta still with, while dating you葉here seems to be a story that you were the one she really wanted to be with: the good guy, the great guy, the guy she'd been crushing on like no other for four years. Intoxicating stuff for the ego as much as the heart.

    Is part of what you're missing right now the comfort of that? Is part of what makes you feel icky right now is that you know you were seeking that drug-like high from someone you weren't ever going to be serious about? No judgement. It's a classic conflict: feels invigorating to be wanted, to be an object of obsession, even when that comes from someone we know, in our core, is bad for us. So we dance on the edge a bit, enjoying the feeling, telling stories to rationalize the dance, but when it starts to become real, require some form of sincere commitment? That's when logic steps in, and we step off the dance floor. As you've done with her, a few times over now.

    Again, I don't say any of that to chastise you but to give a clearer sense of where this grief and guilt you feel may be coming from. As others have said, and as you've yourself said, there was really nothing here from which to build anything remotely healthy or sustainable, the sort of relationship you can trust to contain two people securely. You don't get that with someone who is living with one man while telling another, right away, that she wants to be with him 4eva and eva. It would be like trying to build a home with damaged, termite-infested wood: a structure built to break, hard and fast.

    It says a lot about you that you backed away: strength, wisdom, a healthy heart. It's understandable that you feel "bad" about all that, since you also gave her a version of the same things she gave you: hope, excitement, a potential portal toward security, an unhealthy indulgence of the ego.

    You are both young, and people much older than you get themselves into similar knots. It is, in short, okay. At some point, hopefully sooner than later, you can forgive yourself, and her, for the whole thing. She has, it's clear, a lot to work out. That's her path, and she'll walk it in whatever way she decides is best for her. But you, too, I think have some important work to do葉o figure out what has kept you compelled with her, to keep approaching the flame and then backing off when the burn kicks in. Explore that a bit, with self-love and kindness, and I think you'll find the edge of grief softens as you grow a few inches emotionally.
    Thank you as always for your very insightful reply, just as you provided last time. I think you bring up some very strong points here. I have definitely wondered why exactly I feel so strongly now, yet when it came down to us moving forward, I froze up and couldn't do it. That has often been a huge source of self-deprecation for me, the question of "Why couldn't I have just loved her enough to move forward with her?" I made it a question of whether I loved her or not. I think this was a false dilemma.

    I think I did get a high from knowing I was so very desired by her, and I think, especially over time, I placed the weight of my worth on that. As you said, it was an intoxicating thing to my ego and my heart. So now that it's gone, I long for it again. That is not to say that I never cared about her or loved her (I'd say I certainly did), but I realize it does show the way in which I contributed to the unhealthiness of the relationship as well as to the pain I feel now. I suppose I knew deep down that our relationship had no legs to stand on, but I clung on desperately to the hope that we provided ourselves when I discussed my reservations with her: that we'd be a wonderful couple, that we were healthy, that nothing was wrong with us, that all my worries and concerns were intangible and all in my head.

    I think I also fell into the myth that if I truly loved her and cared about her, I would stay with her no matter what the circumstances or the consequences. I see now that that is nothing but a fairy tale. If it all were to come down to only our two personalities, I would say that we shared a lot of compatibility and chemistry (I don't know if that's me still looking through rose-tinted goggles or what). But the situation we found ourselves in was unavoidable, and I hope some day both of us can come to understand what happened and forgive each other. I cling onto hope that we'll be able to give things another try some day when we've both grown some down the road. But I know that, as you said last time, I need to focus on forward-movement, for that is the only way progress is going to be made.

    Anyways, those are my beginning thoughts on the insights you described. I certainly will continue to explore this further and to get to know myself and what happened.
    Last edited by ArchieAnon; 04-08-2020 at 02:01 PM.

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