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I made a post a few days ago, but I gave in again and had a stalk because it was my ex’s girlfriends birthday. He made a post dedicated to her on Instagram saying “wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else with anyone else” - I’m saying this because when we were together he never posted for my birthday. She commented he made me breakfast in bed - I’m also saying this because he never cooked for me once. I know I’m overthinking but I would just like your opinion on this! Do you think he was embarrassed of me because his friends didn’t agree with me and love her? Or do you think he just loves her a load more and just used me for a year and a half? Or anything else.. I will block them but I just want your opinion on it.

 

 

For background - he dumped me out of the blue, a day after asking me to move in with him. 3 months later he starts going out with his current girlfriend, they move in together after 6 months. We were together for a year and a half. Thanks

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I still think there's a lot you didn't know about him, which is why he kept you away from his friends. He didn't want whatever he was hiding from you to come out so he invented excuses to avoid making those introductions.

 

You need to stop doing this to yourself, though, OP. This guy sounds like a total who didn't treat you well. What are you getting from comparing yourself to his new girlfriend all the time?

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You don't value yourself, so a guy won't either. Work on your self-esteem, and you'll be seen as a treasure instead of a doormat. You'll attract decent men instead of losers when you love yourself. You won't accept one day of toxicity when you possess self-love.

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You don't value yourself, so a guy won't either. Work on your self-esteem, and you'll be seen as a treasure instead of a doormat. You'll attract decent men instead of losers when you love yourself. You won't accept one day of toxicity when you possess self-love.

 

This.

 

Switch up your questioning, along these lines: Why did you choose to spent 1.5 years with a man who never cooked for you, who didn't want to celebrate you on social media, who kind of kept you and your relationship in the shade?

 

Figure out the answer to those questions—the ones all this stalking and obsessing about him and her, as if they're monsters or superheroes, is allowing you to avoid—and you'll be on the path to real clarity, empowerment, and, eventually, a connection that is built with much stronger fibers than this one ever was.

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This.

 

Switch up your questioning, along these lines: Why did you choose to spent 1.5 years with a man who never cooked for you, who didn't want to celebrate you on social media, who kind of kept you and your relationship in the shade?

 

Figure out the answer to those questions—the ones all this stalking and obsessing about him and her, as if they're monsters or superheroes, is allowing you to avoid—and you'll be on the path to real clarity, empowerment, and, eventually, a connection that is built with much stronger fibers than this one ever was.

 

Very true!

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You don't value yourself, so a guy won't either. Work on your self-esteem, and you'll be seen as a treasure instead of a doormat. You'll attract decent men instead of losers when you love yourself. You won't accept one day of toxicity when you possess self-love.

 

Yeah I agree! My self-esteem is at an all time low.

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I’ve always kinda struggled with it a little, but it definitely was no were near as bad as it is now

 

Continuing to attach yourself to that guy is not going to make your self esteem any better. And by continuing to look at his (and her) social media, you are keeping yourself attached.

 

Please do this; next time you want to look at their social media, tell yourself "I am deliberately choosing to hurt myself. I can no longer blame him for hurting me because he stopped. I am choosing to do this and will take responsibility for how I feel afterward."

 

Then ask yourself if looking will make you feel better or feel worse.

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Please do this; next time you want to look at their social media, tell yourself "I am deliberately choosing to hurt myself. I can no longer blame him for hurting me because he stopped. I am choosing to do this and will take responsibility for how I feel afterward."

 

Then ask yourself if looking will make you feel better or feel worse.

 

Wonderful advice.

 

It's hard for me to imagine this relationship existing if you had higher self-esteem before you met him. Sounds like you wanted a lot more than you ever got—which you do deserve. So maybe think of all this—the relationship, how you feel now—as life tapping you on the shoulder and asking you to do some things to patch up the cracks in your self-esteem. Do that, and you're likely to find you don't even think about him.

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Wonderful advice.

 

It's hard for me to imagine this relationship existing if you had higher self-esteem before you met him. Sounds like you wanted a lot more than you ever got—which you do deserve. So maybe think of all this—the relationship, how you feel now—as life tapping you on the shoulder and asking you to do some things to patch up the cracks in your self-esteem. Do that, and you're likely to find you don't even think about him.

 

I was fine during the relationship, it was when he moved on so fast that I started thinking why wasn’t I good enough? Because it happened so fast I can’t have been anything special

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Especially read number 9 of this article to address your last post.

 

By Lolly Daskal. Low self-esteem is unfortunately a self-fulling prophecy. The worse you feel about who you are and what you do, the less motivation you'll have to do what it takes to build your self-esteem.

 

From there it's easy to spiral down into a cycle of negative and circular thinking, keeping you mired in damaging--and erroneous--beliefs.

 

How can you stop this vicious cycle and start moving yourself in a more positive direction?

 

It's a process, and it won't happen overnight, but there are things you can do to get it started and keep it moving. Here are 20 powerful ways to improve your self-esteem quickly in order to start feeling more confident.

 

1. Master a new skill.

When you become skilled in something that corresponds with your talents and interests, you increase your sense of competency.

 

2. List your accomplishments.

Think about all the things you've accomplished, then write them down. Make a list of everything you've done that you feel proud of, everything you've done well. Review your list when you need a reminder of your ability to get things done and to do them well.

 

3. Do something creative.

Creative tasks are a great way to put the flow back into your life. Creativity stimulates the brain, so the more you use it, the greater the benefits. Pull out your old guitar, write a story or poem, take a dance class or sign up for a community theater production. When you add the challenge of trying something new, it helps you even more.

 

4. Get clear on your values.

Determine what your values are and examine your life to see where you're not living in alignment with what you believe. Then make any necessary changes. The more you know what you stand for, the more confident you will be.

 

5. Challenge your limiting beliefs.

When you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself, stop and challenge yourself. Don't let yourself be limited by erroneous beliefs.

 

6. Stand at edge of your comfort zone.

Stretch yourself and move to the edge of your comfort zone. Get uncomfortable--try something new, meet different people or approach a situation in an unconventional way. Confidence begins at the edge of your comfort zone.

 

7. Help someone.

Use your talents, skills and abilities to help others. Give someone direct assistance, share helpful resources or teach someone something they want to learn. Offer something you do well as a gift to someone.

 

8. Heal your past.

Unresolved issues and drama can keep you trapped in low self-esteem. Seek the support of a trained counselor to help you heal the past so you can move onto the future in a confident and self-assured way.

 

9. Stop worrying about what others think.

When you worry about what others will think of you, you never feel free to be completely yourself. Make a firm decision to stop worrying about what other people think--begin making choices based on what you want, not what you think others want from you.

 

10. Read something inspirational.

A great way to gain more self-esteem is to read something that lifts you up and makes you feel positive about yourself.

 

11. Reclaim your integrity.

Define what integrity means for you, and ensure that you're living in accordance with that understanding. If your life isn't aligned with your character, it will drain you and leave you feeling bad about yourself.

 

12. Let negative people go.

If there are people in your life who are negative--who have nothing positive to say or who put you down or take advantage of you--do the smart thing and let them go. The only way to find your self-esteem is to surround yourself with supportive positive people who admire you and value you.

 

13. Draw a line in the sand.

The best way to find your self-esteem is to create personal boundaries. Know what your boundaries are and how you wish to respond when people cross them. Don't allow others to control you, take advantage of you or manipulate you. To be confident is to maintain firm boundaries.

 

14. Care about your appearance.

When you look your best, you feel your best. Dress like someone who has confidence and let your self-assurance come through in how you look.

 

15. Welcome failure as part of growth.

It's a common response to be hard on yourself when you've failed. But if you can shift your thinking to understand that failure is an opportunity to learn, that it plays a necessary role in learning and growth, it can help you keep perspective. Remember too that failure means you're making an effort.

 

16. Always remain a student.

Think of yourself as a lifelong learner. Approach everything that you do with a student's mentality--what Zen Buddhists call Shoshin or "beginner's mind"--open, eager, unbiased and willing to learn.

 

17. Face your fear.

Allow yourself to feel afraid but keep going anyway. Self-esteem is often found in the dance between your deepest desires and your greatest fears.

 

18. Become a mentor.

Be there for someone who needs your guidance, your leadership and your support. Their respect and gratitude--and watching them progress with your help--will add to your self-esteem and self-respect.

 

19. Define success.

Clarify what success means to you and what it means in terms of your confidence. If you really want to do something you will have to find the self-esteem within yourself to just do it.

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