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Thread: He is ignoring me..

  1. #1
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    He is ignoring me..

    So I met this guy on a dating app, we hit it off via text and went out on a couple of dates. He always a gentleman and we got along so well. He then invited me over to his house to cook me dinner. We slept together and the week after (This was right before the lockdown) I went over again and things were fine. So because of the lockdown, we continued talking via text, etc as usual. Then one day I just had a feeling and decided to look on the dating app where we both met and I noticed he had updated his profile. This really hurt my feelings even though I know he did nothing wrong because we have not had the conversation of being exclusive. But silly me panicked because I was afraid of getting my feelings hurt and I told him that I had noticed he was a bit distant the past few days and that I had seen that he had updated the profile and that that was a confirmation for me as to why he was distance. I told him that of course he's allowed to do so, but that I was starting to have feelings for him, so I need to take a step back so I don't get hurt.
    He replied that he had not noticed being distant towards me and that he did not realize he had updated his profile and that the last match he had on the app was left on read. But even though he felt ty about my decision he would respect it.
    So I had a night's sleep and realized my decision to step back only made me feel worse, so I messaged him the next morning that I took the time to think rationally and that I would like to continue to be in contact as usual. He did not reply, the next day I asked him if I should take the silence as him not wanting to continue. He replied the next day saying he was busy with work and that he really wished that would have done the whole thinking rationally before I had sent him that first text. I replied and acknowledged my mistake and asked him what had happened at work. He did not reply, the next day I sent him a funny video, as we usually send each other funny stuff. He has not replied since and that was last week Wednesday.
    I know my behavior was confusing, I really like him and haven't clicked with someone like this in a while, should I just move on? Advice from the male perspective would be nice, but all advice is welcomed.

  2. #2
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    Yes, I would move on from this one. He isn't interested any longer.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....you got anxious and preemptively ended things with him. Unfortunately when you behave like that, most people will not take you back when you change your mind.

    I don't think there is anything you can do here anymore as he clearly wants nothing more to do with you.

    All you can do is take this as a lesson learned not to act on your anxieties and find better ways to soothe yourself when you are feeling like that. I'm sorry.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Yes, let it go. Backpedaling with 'relationship talks' after 2 dates is not helping. If he's a player just move forward. Reach out to friends, family, coworkers, classmates, etc and ask how people are doing.

    Update Your profile and start messaging and video-chatting with men until you can meet in person. Delete and block him from the dating app as well as from other platforms.
    Originally Posted by bloempj
    Then one day I just had a feeling and decided to look on the dating app where we both met and I noticed he had updated his profile.

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  6. #5
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    The best advice I can give in this type of situation is to not get too hung up over someone you just met and you are just getting to know. At this point, you have been on a total of 2 dates with this guy and have sent back and forth several text messages. You have not yet spent enough time with him to know him very well; yes, thus far he has been the gentleman and you seem to get along, but it's still early yet. Tap the brakes as far as envisioning this guy as The One, you are not even close enough to the point at which you could possibly conclude this.

    My advice, moving forward: allow him time to contact you, if he wants to. He's a big boy and you have already expressed your interest in chatting with him, now the ball is in his court. If he contacts you, great, if he doesn't, oh well.

    Lastly, this is just something I advise for certain types of people: if you are the type of person who tends to get emotionally attached to someone you are sexually intimate with, my advice is that you hold off on sexual intimacy until you are at the point at which you are already in an exclusive relationship with that person. It's a way to better protect your heart (and will help curb irrational behavior such as monitoring their online activity and flip-flopping between pulling back/pushing forward)

  7. #6
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    Also please remember that online dating is a massive opportunity for everyone, not just men, to meet and explore. Online daters typically decide whether to pursue someone after a month or so, and not the number of times you slept with them. Just be ready for that..
    Let this one go. Unfortunately, this is something other people call "drama". Once the conversation of being exclusive takes place, thats the time you mutually set boundaries about online dating.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this, bloempj.

    He has since lost interest in you. After a couple of dates, he slept with you, got what he wanted and to him, you were just a romp in the hay or another notch on his belt. In other words, he used you. For him, it was about the chase, conquest and discarding you like yesterday's trash. He played you for a fool.

    I agree with others, postpone sleeping with a guy, be more cautious and guard your heart. He's done with you. Move on and become wiser.

  9. #8
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    Is this the same guy your previous thread was about? The guy who lives in Germany, while you live in the Netherlands?

    It sounds like you get much too attached too early. No judgement here - I've suffered from this early over-attachment myself in the past and have had to work really hard to get over it.

    One thing I'd definitely do is avoid this double texting, it's a big turn off: "He did not reply, the next day I asked him if I should take the silence as him not wanting to continue", "He did not reply, the next day I sent him a funny video".

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He likely sees you as a wishy-washy person, and a person who expects too much, too soon. Like someone else suggested, you might want to wait a few months to be intimate, possibly weeding out guys who are into short term relationships versus someone seeking a long term partner. Players usually don't have the patience to wait around getting to know you. I've read that when a woman has sex, hormones are released to cause her to want to bond with a man, whether he's good for her or not.

    Get it out of your mind that you need to viciously guard your heart when dating in the way that you're going about it. For one thing, he wasn't doing anything unethical, so you should have kept your anxiety to yourself. The only control you have is to choose someone who lacks red flags, and to take a wait and see attitude, one day at a time, and eventually the truth of who he is will be revealed.

    I was anxious myself when dating, because there are a lot of jerks in the world, but I think I did one thing right in this regard. When I was first dating my future husband, he worked Monday to Friday at the time, and for extra money, cleaned the three offices where he worked every Friday night. I barely knew him, and it crossed my mind that he could be dating someone else on those Friday nights, but didn't voice anything of that sort to him. I didn't know if he was a truthful person or a liar, and knew that time would tell if he was or wasn't doing that.

    Turned out that he would often call me while cleaning and put it on speaker, and we'd talk for a good twenty minutes, so I figured he couldn't be ditching some lady at a restaurant table for 20 minutes. LOL

    And later, when we were exclusive, me and his teen daughter actually went and helped him clean a couple of times so we could get it done quickly and go do something fun afterwards.

    It's better to take risks and time will tell, as it happened with me. It takes a while to scratch the surface of who a person is, so don't project to the future. Enjoy each date for what it is, learning more about each other with each experience. If it doesn't pan out how you want it to, you will survive. We all get hurt when we put ourselves out there. Stop self-sabotaging. You never even let himself show you who he was before kicking him off the bus, and now he doesn't want to hop on for another bumpy ride. Learn from your mistakes for better dating success.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    After a couple of dates, he slept with you, got what he wanted and to him, you were just a romp in the hay or another notch on his belt. In other words, he used you.
    I didn't get this impression, personally.

    Maybe it's just me and my temperament, but when I was dating I had very little interest in people who were quick to make negative assumptions about me, as she did him. I was equally not interested in having to quell someone's anxiety and drastic shifts in mood, as she asked him to do. That is a lot of whiplash for two dates. I would inherently feel "played as a fool" to be put in the position she put him in, which was asking him to reward her sabotaging instincts and emotional 180s with affection and interest.

    I don't say any of that to chastise you, OP. Dating is weird, and we all spaz out here and there. Best to figure out what causes those spastic responses—early sex, for instance—and make some different choices so there's room for both people to feel nervous and uncertain in the dance. Only way to figure out if you're good dance partners, you know?

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