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Thread: He is ignoring me..

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I didn't get this impression, personally.

    Maybe it's just me and my temperament, but when I was dating I had very little interest in people who were quick to make negative assumptions about me, as she did him. I was equally not interested in having to quell someone's anxiety and drastic shifts in mood, as she asked him to do. That is a lot of whiplash for two dates. I would inherently feel "played as a fool" to be put in the position she put him in, which was asking him to reward her sabotaging instincts and emotional 180s with affection and interest.

    I don't say any of that to chastise you, OP. Dating is weird, and we all spaz out here and there. Best to figure out what causes those spastic responses—early sex, for instance—and make some different choices so there's room for both people to feel nervous and uncertain in the dance. Only way to figure out if you're good dance partners, you know?
    Some guys are like that. They got what they were after and they don't care. Next, they lose interest because their intentions were only insincere and temporary all along.

    Harsh lesson learned especially for naive OP, bloempj. Choose men more wisely in the future. Haste makes waste. Pay attention to the quality of his character and values. Exercise discernment. Live and learn.

  2. #12
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    It seems to me that he felt pressured and it was too much for him in the end. Having an exclusive conversation when you barely dated and then all this back and forth of text messages from you. When someone doesn't reply, don't sent a second message. I know it blows, but when someone wants to connect with you they find a way. (Happened to me.)

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Some guys are like that. They got what they were after and they don't care. Next, they lose interest because their intentions were only insincere and temporary all along.
    Sure. As are some gals. But I just wouldn’t make that the lesson here, especially when it was OP, not the guy, who ended things. I get being bummed when that choice didn’t soothe a day later, but I don’t quite get where this becomes a lesson in being on the lookout for players.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I call foul on the fact that he didn't know his profile was updated.

    i do think you got anxious and I don't fault you for that. But if you bail on the situation, you need to be prepared to stand behind it. You can't come back and second guess yourself without appearing fickle or possibly trying to manipulate the situation.

    Either way, from where I sit it looks like he wasn't on the same page as you. His veiled responses and agreeing to let you walk so easily suggests you gave him an out and he conveniently gets you to take all the responsibility for it.

    IF you are someone inclined to get attached after being intimate with someone, don't put yourself in the position of sex with someone early on without a clear understanding of expectations.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sure. As are some gals. But I just wouldn’t make that the lesson here, especially when it was OP, not the guy, who ended things. I get being bummed when that choice didn’t soothe a day later, but I don’t quite get where this becomes a lesson in being on the lookout for players.
    Lesson is not moving too fast after a couple of dates, sleeping with them and then it fizzles fast. Get to know a person first which takes a long time and patience. No surprise there. Live and learn the hard way and a harsh lesson you'll never forget.

  7. #16
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    I actually disagree that we should automatically just assume that this guy only wanted sex. In my opinion at no point did he actually do anything wrong. He took her out on a couple of dates, then he cooked her dinner at his place a couple of times and they slept together. He was not stopping contact and continued to talk to her even though there was a lockdown and he couldn't even see her. So if he was only after sex wouldn't he have already begun ignoring her once lockdown started and he couldn't get sex?

    In my opinion OP acted like she's "high maintenance" and she was the one who ended it with him, so what did he actually do wrong? The thing is yeah maybe he wasn't messaging constantly but as someone that has basically not left my house for four weeks, I know there is nothing actually going on and nothing to talk about. So maybe he wasn't messaging as much for that reason. Or maybe he was acting totally normal and OP was just paranoid.

    Just because someone updated their profile doesn't mean anything. Sometimes when I was seeing someone I updated my profile coz I had a nice new photo to upload or wanted to write s new music artist I started liking or whatever. It's presumptuous to think that just because you had four dates with someone and you had sex that you are now actually a couple and that person can't use online dating at all. I understand if you're getting feelings for someone, you don't want to think about the fact that they're using the dating site. But OP logged onto the site too. Also in lockdown it's not like the guy had any guarantee that she wasn't talking to all these guys online. Unless you had a talk that you're actually a couple then really you don't know what that person's doing.

    I think the fact that the guy did nothing wrong and then she accused him and ended it is obviously not a good look to him. I mean it's over now so he can choose to ignore her if he wants to because she ended it.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I call foul on the fact that he didn't know his profile was updated.

    i do think you got anxious and I don't fault you for that. But if you bail on the situation, you need to be prepared to stand behind it. You can't come back and second guess yourself without appearing fickle or possibly trying to manipulate the situation.

    Either way, from where I sit it looks like he wasn't on the same page as you. His veiled responses and agreeing to let you walk so easily suggests you gave him an out and he conveniently gets you to take all the responsibility for it.

    IF you are someone inclined to get attached after being intimate with someone, don't put yourself in the position of sex with someone early on without a clear understanding of expectations.
    But I actually reckon if someone did that to me, I would think they're a bit too full-on and clingy and I would be put off by it. I don't think it means he wasn't on the same page because he continued talking to her in lock down. I mean in what other way could he show his interest when we are isolated? I mean yeah maybe he wasn't all like: "OMG I love you" but they'd actually only seen each other a few times! He was acting perfectly normal according to the situation!

  9. #18
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Since the OP willingly consented, I don't feel it's fair to label him as a "player." I think she rolled the dice with the hopes that sleeping together would seal the deal, even though it only consisted of two dates.

    JMO...

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I understand the anxiety and nervousness. Sometimes we think we are sharing and being open by doing so, but it can be too much for some people.

    Remember, when things are new, they are fragile and you want to keep somethings to yourself. Because you just don't know what this person is all about... Observe and listen to how things pan out. If actions match words.

    It is a normal human need to have sex and want that, but its risky. Especially for women... the act itself is the man entering the woman's very body. How can something enter me and not become a part of me? So that is quite a powerful thing. It can go either way. beautiful part or an ugly part, but its hard to tell the difference, just as all humans struggle to see the true beauty and flaws within themselves. It becomes a reflection of ourselves, but does it? Maybe he's not that great.

    Men can have an easier time separating it. They can have sex and see it as an experience that doesn't become a part of them.

    But guys still have insecurities and don't want to be jerked around either. So when you say you're hurt and not sure, they"re more than liking going to believe you and up goes the wall.

    And frankly, if the tables were reversed and you were here saying he ended it with you and then flip flopped shortly after, we'd be telling you to forget him. So keep that in mind.

    In the future, the less said the better, keep things simple, observe and learn about them.

    Anxiety etc, take that convo to your friends.

  11. #20
    Silver Member dion333's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bloempj
    So I met this guy on a dating app, we hit it off via text and went out on a couple of dates. He always a gentleman and we got along so well. He then invited me over to his house to cook me dinner. We slept together and the week after (This was right before the lockdown) I went over again and things were fine. So because of the lockdown, we continued talking via text, etc as usual. Then one day I just had a feeling and decided to look on the dating app where we both met and I noticed he had updated his profile. This really hurt my feelings even though I know he did nothing wrong because we have not had the conversation of being exclusive. But silly me panicked because I was afraid of getting my feelings hurt and I told him that I had noticed he was a bit distant the past few days and that I had seen that he had updated the profile and that that was a confirmation for me as to why he was distance. I told him that of course he's allowed to do so, but that I was starting to have feelings for him, so I need to take a step back so I don't get hurt.
    He replied that he had not noticed being distant towards me and that he did not realize he had updated his profile and that the last match he had on the app was left on read. But even though he felt ty about my decision he would respect it.
    So I had a night's sleep and realized my decision to step back only made me feel worse, so I messaged him the next morning that I took the time to think rationally and that I would like to continue to be in contact as usual. He did not reply, the next day I asked him if I should take the silence as him not wanting to continue. He replied the next day saying he was busy with work and that he really wished that would have done the whole thinking rationally before I had sent him that first text. I replied and acknowledged my mistake and asked him what had happened at work. He did not reply, the next day I sent him a funny video, as we usually send each other funny stuff. He has not replied since and that was last week Wednesday.
    I know my behavior was confusing, I really like him and haven't clicked with someone like this in a while, should I just move on? Advice from the male perspective would be nice, but all advice is welcomed.
    Hi-he is just doing what alot of men do on dating apps and in real life if they can get away with it--but it's easy to get away with on online dating--when i say 'men', i mean men who have low morals and empathy. So, i'm afraid he has just used you for sex and was probably doing the same to quite a few other women and maybe men too. It's very common online for men to try and have sex with as many people as possible but dress it up as them wanting a relationship or even a friendship with erm benefits. Welcome to the new world of low empathy..esp true for males. I would just cut him out of your life and learn from this. Try not to sleep with men so quickly or anything sexual, as they see it as a game online. It's painful and i am sorry, It's very hard for warm, kind caring people to navigate the cold world of online sex acts..sorry..i meant 'dating'

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