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Thread: Dating a guy with depression and anxiety

  1. #1

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    Dating a guy with depression and anxiety

    I've met M in November 2019 and for two months we were dating on average once a week (due to different work schedules) and he was great. Always following up after date, cute messages, good communication. I could see he really likes me and is caring and sweet. In January first worrying episode happened - I was going on two weeks holiday and we were about to met day before, he said he can't make it as too busy at work. Next day he didn't even send me message to say have a safe flight etc We very rarely talking when I was on holiday due to different time zones, but after I came back we would start dating again as before. Then he wouldn't text me back for 5 days and after just text as normal. After a while I asked whats wrong and he said his anxiety and depression came back and he can't help it and he really cares about me but will be like that from now on.
    I don't know if I should wait for him to get better ? I've met him when he was a happy person and he was completely different so I know how amazing he can be. But right now the lack of attention and communication is bringing me down and I feel abandoned and unimportant. Should I wait or move on ? I asked him several times if I can help but he said he needs to sort his life (find new job, find new flat and some inner peace) and this is not the best time for him for dating but he still likes me and don't want to loose me. I'm very confused and don't know what to do.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. "I need space" is a breakup. Do not wait or get strung along. Did he reconnect with an ex or meet someone while you were on holiday?.
    Originally Posted by Katie625
    I asked him several times if I can help but he said he needs to sort his life (find new job, find new flat and some inner peace) and this is not the best time for him for dating

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    All relationships start out wonderful but after some time you start seeing what's more normal. This guy even confirmed for you that this is how it really is - he'll disappear on you for days without a word. So what you need to ask yourself is whether this is acceptable to you, does it make you happy? Are you good with trying to have a relationship with someone who just won't speak with you for 5 days in a row? If yes, carry on. If no, end this and look for a guy who doesn't act like that.

    Personally, if someone disappeared for 5 days, I'd consider us done, broken up, finished and would never look back. It doesn't matter what the reason is for their behavior, it's not a behavior I'd tolerate in a partner. If they have issues that cause them to act like that, then they need to seek professional help and stay out of relationships until they have it under sufficient control to make a good partner, aka not disappear for days.

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    He didnt meet anyone, he quit his job when I was on holiday and is struggling financially. We still talk over texts almost every day and I can see he tries to stay positive but its not easy, especially now during pandemic. I'm looking for advice from someone who was dating someone with mental health issues.

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  6. #5
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    I have severe anxiety I can tell you right now with pandemic I am almost where I am at 7 years which was nervous breakdown. I am barely hanging on by my fingernails.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you hoping to hang on until he gets better? Well that is up to him and his doctors therapists, etc. In the mean time he wants space. Wanting space and having mental illness may not be related. People with these problems often look or for support, in this case he wants to end things.

    Do not play doctor/therapist. It's unfair to him. He needs a professional. Perhaps his friends, family, therapists or doctors told him to take a break and work on himself, who knows?
    Originally Posted by Katie625
    I'm looking for advice from someone who was dating someone with mental health issues.

  8. #7

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    Thank you for your advice, but I think you misunderstood me.
    I'm not trying to be his therapist, this is about me - I wanted to seek advice from people that were in similar situation.
    I don't feel good at all in that situation, but I have feelings for that person and I know he has feelings for me and don't want mental health issues to ruin that relationship. However depression is not something that you can control easily and it's winning over.

    I just wanted to ask if someone was in a similar situation and if they were, did they wait until partner got better or did they move on as it was too damaging for their own mental health.

    Sorry if I didn't make it clear, it is a first time I'm trying to explain that situation

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Katie625
    Thank you for your advice, but I think you misunderstood me.
    I'm not trying to be his therapist, this is about me - I wanted to seek advice from people that were in similar situation.
    I don't feel good at all in that situation, but I have feelings for that person and I know he has feelings for me and don't want mental health issues to ruin that relationship. However depression is not something that you can control easily and it's winning over.

    I just wanted to ask if someone was in a similar situation and if they were, did they wait until partner got better or did they move on as it was too damaging for their own mental health.

    Sorry if I didn't make it clear, it is a first time I'm trying to explain that situation
    Look, you need to understand that if he has real mental health issues, it's for life. They don't go away. This it not just a moment that will pass, this is a constant problem. You saw him briefly on the up and now he is back down again. It's a never ending roller coaster ride and yes, many people who have dealt with a partner or a family member with mental health issues can easily attest that it is going to be very very hard on you and your own mental health and well being. His instability will bleed into your life as well. Which is why I asked you a very serious question - this right now, the disappearing, the not talking, the up and down thing - is that something that makes you happy? Is that something that you can handle and be happy. Do not get stuck on the initial good times, look at what is happening now because that is going to be a constant. That's the reality of being with him and you can't help him with it either.

  10. #9
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    Don't wait for him, no.

    He's already let you know that this is how life really is for him, and he's not in a place to offer you more. What you're experiencing with him now, the feeling of abandonment and loneliness? Expect more of it if you stick around. You two also have barely started dating. It might be different if you'd had a few good years together already and then he experienced a bout of depression. However, you don't yet have a solid foundation together to support this.

    I'm sorry. I can't see this working out well.

  11. #10
    Silver Member dion333's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Katie625
    I've met M in November 2019 and for two months we were dating on average once a week (due to different work schedules) and he was great. Always following up after date, cute messages, good communication. I could see he really likes me and is caring and sweet. In January first worrying episode happened - I was going on two weeks holiday and we were about to met day before, he said he can't make it as too busy at work. Next day he didn't even send me message to say have a safe flight etc We very rarely talking when I was on holiday due to different time zones, but after I came back we would start dating again as before. Then he wouldn't text me back for 5 days and after just text as normal. After a while I asked whats wrong and he said his anxiety and depression came back and he can't help it and he really cares about me but will be like that from now on.
    I don't know if I should wait for him to get better ? I've met him when he was a happy person and he was completely different so I know how amazing he can be. But right now the lack of attention and communication is bringing me down and I feel abandoned and unimportant. Should I wait or move on ? I asked him several times if I can help but he said he needs to sort his life (find new job, find new flat and some inner peace) and this is not the best time for him for dating but he still likes me and don't want to loose me. I'm very confused and don't know what to do.
    Sounds like he is just making excuses and can't really be bothered. Might even be sleeping around esp online. Not wishing someone a safe flight when you love or care for them is pathetic and downright rude. Not sure how that is linked to depression and anxiety? In that case he could say anything to you and say it's the latter!? I would dump him..not in a mean way..but in a kind caring way esp if he has mental health issues..he maybe of a fragile mind...

  12. 04-08-2020, 08:14 AM


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