My lady friend is an ER nurse with potential Covid exposure... ughhh

Hi everybody,

As my heading says, the lady I have been dating for about the last year is an ER nurse, and as of about two weeks ago, she has been working directly with COVID-19 patients. This is very troubling to me, for obvious reasons. We are both in our late 50s, and I am asthmatic, which would likely fall under the “pre-existing condition” category, which means I will probably be vulnerable.

A week ago, which was a week after she had her first case come in to her ER, we thought it was OK to spend some time together and she spent the night and most of the next day. She explains that the protocol in her ER is highly protective of the nurses with what they wear and their protocol, but also says nothing is 100% certain.

Since then, we haven’t seen each other, but she spent two intense days at work last week amidst Covid patients, but it’s been two weeks since she saw her first covert patient, which was before the highest protocol went into place. We know that the incubation period for the virus is 2 to 14 days, so we are still within that range with her patients from last week. She could be a carrier, as I could, and neither of us would even know.

So… We are discussing whether or not we should spend some time tomorrow together, and she knows I am conflicted about it and anxious. She says she’s completely OK with me being conflicted about it, but I also know that some of the things that she has said over the last week indicate that she thinks that many people (perhaps meaning me) may be making way too much of a big deal about it, and that there would be just as much if not more chance of somebody getting the virus by going to the supermarket or gas station.

I also suspect, by things that she has indirectly said, that she may be a bit irritated and frustrated that I’m being overly protective of my own health. She even said tonight that we put ourselves at risk a week ago, and nothing has really changed since then, so why is it any different? The way I see it, she has had more exposure in the last week to additional patients, and that makes it different.

What do you guys think? Do you think that I am thinking reasonably to feel conflicted about getting together with her? What would you guys do?

I guess my biggest fear is that she’s going to get frustrated and find this to be a reason to distance herself. She has the capacity to be a bit reactive, due to previous terrible relationship situations. We have a history of things blowing up and becoming much bigger deals than they need to be, because one or the other of us overreacted to something. So, I could see her getting upset and breaking things off because she just thinks it isn’t working because I am social distancing the way that I am.

What would you guys do? Just the fact that she’s a bit wishy-washy on it makes me feel hesitant. Of course I am wishy-washy about it. I don’t want to jeopardize my health or even my life.

What do you think?

It sounds like you would like to eliminate physical contact until such time that you feel there is no risk of contracting a virus that you are scared of contracting.

If I heard you correctly then to answer your question: I would tell her that I am concerned about getting a virus that she is being regularly exposed to and that I would like to refrain from physical contact until I felt safe about the situation.

She's a nurse and she should respect your choice to socially distance yourself at this time. This is a real health issue. If she doesn't take that seriously, honestly, she's not worth your time.

I'm a nurse myself and I am in complete isolation right now. I wouldn't dream of going around anyone and potentially giving or getting this virus.

Some people even don’t display symptoms for as long as 21 days. This is new evidence. many people show evidence by 14 days but one in 20 doesn’t show symptoms till three weeks. Or some people are just asymptomatic. Up to you whether you want to play Russian roulette. I am asthmatic ,diabetic and hypertensive. There’s no way I’m going near anybody anywhere even close to exposure nevermind a nurse working with COVID-19 patients.

If she is going to have a hissy because you won’t see her in the middle of a pandemic she can hi ho Heidi Ho out the door. She’s nuts.

She knows about your athsma, right? Then why would she even want to take the risk knowing what she must know about your chances of having 'mild' symptoms should you become infected?

Be smart. If you, a grown adult, won't look out for yourself, then who will?

Is potentially putting your life at risk worth trying to avoid her having a tantrum?

In other words, is avoiding a tizzy fit from her worth dying over?

I can't imagine expecting someone I claim to care about to risk becoming seriously ill just so I can have some company.

I think you'll discover a variety of differing views on this.

What's important is to be respectful of each other.

Your problem doesn't seem to be about a potential for exposure.

This seems more of a problem of not honoring differences and you being fear of holding onto a boundary that's important to you in fear that she'll react badly and distance herself.

She doesnt need to agree with you but she should respect your feelings about it.

My son's a fireman. Hes pretty cavalier about all of this. Ive choosen not to see him.for the time being. He respects that.

Your relationship should be strong enough to handle this. If it's not then you need to.give this some serious reconsideration.

She also should realize you aren't going to kiss or share a bed with someone at the supermarket or gas station. You would be practicing social distancing. So the risk is not the same.

I don't agree with her. She is more high-risk due to the type of exposure, this is why so many medical personal are getting sick.

I would not be meeting up with her. Is this really worth your life? She sounds very selfish.

a problem of not honoring differences and you being fear of holding onto a boundary that's important to you in fear that she'll react badly and distance herself.

Total bullseye. 🎯

I would tell her my health is above everything else and bid her farewell.

She's selfish and immature and, frankly, I wouldn't even want to be her patient.

You want her to distance herself so that's ok.

I am conflicted about it and anxious.

 

 

my biggest fear is that she’s going to get frustrated and find this to be a reason to distance herself.

What's important is to be respectful of each other.

Your problem doesn't seem to be about a potential for exposure.

This seems more of a problem of not honoring differences and you being fear of holding onto a boundary that's important to you in fear that she'll react badly and distance herself.

She doesnt need to agree with you but she should respect your feelings about it.

My son's a fireman. Hes pretty cavalier about all of this. Ive choosen not to see him.for the time being. He respects that.

Your relationship should be strong enough to handle this. If it's not then you need to.give this some serious reconsideration.

Agreed!

She says she will respect your opinion. That doesn't mean she has to agree with you and that she's not entitled to her own.

You can't control other people.

if you are afraid, it's up to you to protect yourself.

It's always been that way.

She's a nurse and she should respect your choice to socially distance yourself at this time. This is a real health issue. If she doesn't take that seriously, honestly, she's not worth your time.

 

I'm a nurse myself and I am in complete isolation right now. I wouldn't dream of going around anyone and potentially giving or getting this virus.

Thank you all for your insight. I think I agree with pretty much everyone on here, and that is that I need to respect my own choice and boundaries.

I went back and reread my own posting from last night, just to see if I was fair in my evaluation, and whether I depicted the scenario accurately… I think I did, but there is always the fact that I am misinterpreting something that this lady is saying. I don’t think so, though.

She has told me repeatedly, and in a somewhat defensive town, that she has been hugely careful and professional in her limited dealings with her COVID-19 patients, and that she sees them with full face mask, protective down, gloves, etc., which are all discard it immediately upon exiting the room. She also says that she wipes down her shoes and disinfects almost anything that she comes into contact with after being anywhere near Covid patients. She also notes that since she is a nurse practitioner, the amount of time she spends in the company of these patients is limited and not extensive.

All that being said, she says there is no 100% guarantee about anything, and she feels she can’t live her life being fearful of the small chance of infection, at least for herself. I think she looks at it as a numbers game, and the numbers are relatively low, at least in terms of potential life-threatening catastrophe. I’m sure all the poor souls who have died from this virus wouldn’t feel that way.

I did suggest to her that we could get together for a walk, and keep our distance, but she didn’t seem too interested in that… Or she wasn’t jumping up and down with Joy about the idea. She went out for a walk yesterday, and didn’t suggest I join her, but that could have been her knowing I was anxious about it and not wanting to deal with it.

I don’t even know where I am really going with all of this… Play I think she may believe that I don’t trust her when she tells me that she takes do per caution and the likelihood of exposure is relatively low, which I do believe, but the potential for her own exposure is considerably higher due to her job, although she will argue that it is likely equal if not lower then somebody walking through a supermarket catching the molecules of somebody who has sneezed or coughed.

Anyway, as usual, my brain is spinning a bit.

Fudgie... are you working with COVID-19 patients? If you are, I certainly hope you remain safe and healthy. Do you have family members in your house? How are you managing that? I have a 12-year-old daughter, the transports between here and her mother’s. I think I have to have a conversation with her mother, as well.

I do think I need to stick to my decision to isolate. I suppose this will be a true test of this lady’s character. There are many great things about this girl, but perhaps like many of us, she has a few loose ends, as well. My own mother says I have to weigh the good with the bad and see whether I can tolerate the balance. I suspect if she gets annoyed and backs off, that might be the answer to my question.

I suppose this will be a true test of this lady’s character.

You've been testing her character for a while now, no? Turning this very trying moment into a test—well, I'd just avoid that line of thinking. She said she'd respect your opinion, which, right there, shows a lot of character. You guys don't have to have the exact same ideas about all this, nor do you need to be right.

I'd read reinvent's post a few times. Great stuff there.

Are you in a country or state that is supposed to be under lockdown? If so, then meeting her for any kind of date should not be happening and she, of all people, should be respecting that.

I actually would end the relationship over this - her attitude and thoughtlessness (understatement) is really troubling!

I don’t think science is really an opinion, this crap is spreading, stay home.

Well, if your daughter is shuffling between you and her mother, that's another level of concern.

I've noticed at times some in the medical can come across less, how can say, panicky or less emotional than lay people. I think its self protection thing.

I would make my own decision for me and my daughter. Then let things fall where they will. I wouldn't break it off with her, but if she broke it off with me, over this, then so be it.

I'm not playing Russian roulette with my life for anyone. i agree you catch it just as easily as going to the grocery store or gas station. THAT'S WHY IT'S ADVISED TO ONLY GO WHEN YOU HAVE TO. Sorry to shout [emoji4]

This isn't about judging each other or piling on her for being wrong....considering that OP is only speculating how she might respond....cart....horse.... This is about respecting each other and how you both choose to deal with the crisis individually.

She needs to respect your choice to stay apart even if she doesn't agree with it, you need to respect her knowledge and way of dealing with risk without judging her negatively or holding it against her. It's a time for both of you to show some maturity instead of knee jerk reactions.

I can't help but notice, OP, that a lot of this is your own assumptions and anxieties that she might do this or she didn't sound enthused, so she must be against it.... You know what they say about assuming, right? You make an a.... Stop assuming and talk to each other. If there is ever a time to learn to communicate rather than jump to assumptions, this is it. She may well have not been enthusiastic about walking because she is physically tired and not because of what you are assuming, etc. Talk to each other and show a little understanding instead of being wrapped up in your own head, insecurities, sensitivities, and assumptions. In short, get out of your head a bit and ask questions and LISTEN.

She has told me repeatedly, and in a somewhat defensive town, that she has been hugely careful and professional in her limited dealings with her COVID-19 patients, and that she sees them with full face mask, protective down, gloves, etc., which are all discard it immediately upon exiting the room. She also says that she wipes down her shoes and disinfects almost anything that she comes into contact with after being anywhere near Covid patients. She also notes that since she is a nurse practitioner, the amount of time she spends in the company of these patients is limited and not extensive.

I know many in this situation. Most are isolating to a large extent from their spouses and/or living in a different part of the home if possible -and they are spouses meaning there is a compelling reason in favor of being in the same home. She's just a girlfriend. That's where to me the risk assessment comes in. I've had my husband intensify some of his practices at this time -but we're basically on the same page and he doesn't mind deferring to my somewhat higher level of risk aversion (for example I make him change all clothes after he goes out for a solitary walk -he has plenty to change into - I've reminded him repeatedly not to touch his glasses when he comes back before hand washing, I convinced him not to go to his office for any reason, etc and we talked about disinfecting keys and credit cards - but again these are very minor shifts -we have the same general level of risk assessment about this situation). In your case you two are wayyyyyy far apart if she thinks that limited contact with covid-19 patients isn't a big deal. Heck I'm not in a hot spot and now most are wearing masks in the near empty streets.