Broke up with fiance over his 4 year secret

Hi all,

So my story is that I was in a relationship for 6 years which I believed to be a mutually satisfying and happy one. We were best friends as well as lovers/partners and hugely compatible together. We were living together and bought our first home in 2018. Fast forward last September, he proposed to me on my 34th birthday and we we booked our wedding shortly afterwards.

He has had issues with anxiety/insomnia the best part of our relationship which I have been supporting him with so when he started acting withdrawn I didn't have an immediate cause of alarm. Then 3 days after Christmas he dropped the bomb - He cheated on me with a prostitute. It happened in 2016 and he swears it was isolated moment of opportunity and weakness for which he has been plagued by guilt ever since.

As you would expect, I did not react well and walked out. Aside from the oblivious hurt and disgust I feel, the biggest betrayal of all is the secret. I cannot fathom how he could have done a thing so awful and carried on like nothing had happened. It makes me feel sick.

I asked him to move out so I could clear my head. 6 weeks later after much soul searching I told him I couldn't accept what he is done or fully trust it wont happen again. What's more, he proposed to me and watch me flash my engagement ring to everyone when he knew what he was hiding. I have never felt more humiliated.

After being in turmoil for weeks I was hoping that now, 3 months later I would start to feel more at peace. I am currently in lock down in the flat we both shared and now the feelings of love and regret are racing back, I cannot escape from our memories here. I want to be strong and see through my decision. In truth I am heartbroken - but how can I begin a marriage on those terms when it all feels like a lie? Marriage is not easy but there should be some innocence at the start. Is this still good reason to throw away what we have built? I still have my pride.

I know there are far more important things going on in the world. It doesn't feel right going through this crises apart. I'm not really sure what I want anymore and feel utterly lost. I just wanted to put this out there and get some of your thoughts. I was making good progress, now feel I have been plunged back into doubt and turmoil again. Thank you for reading x

Marriage is not easy but there should be some innocence at the start. Is this still good reason to throw away what we have built? I still have my pride.

It would be him that threw it away by having sex with a prostitute, OP.

I think you made the right choice ending it. People aren't perfect, of course, but my guess is that it's not the first him he's been with a prostitute. It's a pretty big leap to go from never cheating with anyone to paying for sex, from my perspective. He also had to have known the significantly higher risk sleeping with a sex worker; STIs and HIV are rampant within the demographic. Not only did he betray your trust, but he also exponentially increased his chances of catching something and exposing you to it, too. It's a violation of trust on multiple different levels. Terrible judgement on his part, and it speaks to bigger issues inside him you didn't even know he had.

I know you're feeling lonely in lockdown right now. But I personally would have made the same choice you did. Don't let the current isolation blur your vision of the gravity of the betrayal. For me, this would be a drop-dead deal-breaker and no way in hell would I commit myself permanently to someone with such a deep character flaw.

I think you're having a moment of weakness due to your loneliness.

I'm sure the lockdown and lack of distraction are amplifying all of your negative feelings and self doubt.

But you want a life partner, not a temporary quarantine partner!!!

I agree with the others.

He did this. It is probably just the tip of the iceberg of things you don't know about him. Whether it is other risky behavior, lies or the mental health issues go much deeper than what is known.

To carry that secret for so long, it does say at the very least he is a good actor. You did the right thing ending it. Your instincts kicked in and you followed them. You do not want to be with this person. excellent job there!

This time of isolation is difficult for everybody. I know that much. Every person's situation is a trying one. Its testing us for sure. We all want to find some comfort somehow. But this is the time to be strong. And do things that while uncomfortable are for the better good. It is not the time to fall back on old habits or people that we know are not good for us.

I feel like universe knew we needed to heal. A lot of people in this world are broken, never taking the time to heal. We used distractions to avoid our feelings.

But we can not avoid our feelings. They must come out to be released and for us to move forward. I think we are all grappling with unresolved feelings or new feelings of lonliness.

Accept that this time is hard and very lonely because there is a pandemic happening. Not because you should be with your cheating ex.

I think of all the people struggling with addiction. It must be so hard to have all this down time... Its the same for the heartbroken. A lot of time for what if....

keep the faith in yourself and trust that you will be ok. when this is over, you'll meet someone else, someone without his problems and be happy again. Because just say for the sake of our discussion, you did take him back, as soon as this is over, you would be plagued with mistrust for him, resentment towards yourself and have to go through this all over again.

I am so sorry you are hurting. This quarantine is making it tougher, it please know that it is only a moment in time,

it will pass, and we will go back to our routine.

I second everything that is said here- you did the right thing. He can create any excuse to try and justify his actions, but what’s done is done. Don’t take him back because your lonely. You want a dependable life partner who has your back.

Very sorry this happened. You did the right thing. He was living a lie. It is not only disturbing that he did this and carried on the charade for so long, but why play true confessions right before the wedding? He pulled the rug out from under you.

Sadly he is capable of leading a double life. And hurting you either behind your back or to your face. Unfortunately what he confessed to may only be the tip of the iceberg. Liars usually have motives. Do you know why he chose this time to tell you this? Stay safe get tested for blood borne and other STDs.

Reconciling = condoning. He'll think..wow that was easy, a few weeks in a doghouse and I'm free to screw around again.

I would have dumped him, too. Part of my reason would be the prostitute, but the larger part would be for his stupidity in telling me about it.

Valuing intelligence above all else, I don't envision my future as being with a stupid partner.

Confessions are selfish. They dump responsibility onto the shoulders of the one who hears it and can do zero to change it. So unless there was imminent danger of this prostitute showing up at your wedding to announce that she had serviced the groom, it makes no sense to poison a partner with that information unless the goal is to back out of the proposal.

So the coward's goal was to prompt YOU to end this thing, and you did. Now it's up to you to decide whether someone who would manipulate you this way is the one you'd really want back in your life, and if so, how long it would take such an upstanding guy to find another bomb to drop on you to get himself out of THAT.

Head high, and think.

OK this is what you do. Change your surroundings. Take down pictures, put something else in it's place, and rearrange the furniture. If you have a little cash, when you grocery shop at Walmart, grab some new throw pillows, and whatever to redecorate. Be creative. Make it your place. Clean out closets, get rid of stuff that you don't need...start fresh, make it your own.

OK this is what you do. Change your surroundings. Take down pictures, put something else in it's place, and rearrange the furniture. If you have a little cash, when you grocery shop at Walmart, grab some new throw pillows, and whatever to redecorate. Be creative. Make it your place. Clean out closets, get rid of stuff that you don't need...start fresh, make it your own.

I fully agree with Smackie. You've got time on your hands, take the time to redecorate, make the space YOURS.

Don't feel guilty over ending it. He was the one who cheated, betrayed you and risked your health on top of it. Prostitutes are the dirtiest things out there.

They may say they get tested, but they can't be tested after every single client, and because of that, they could be spreading HIV or another STD for a week straight before they found out they had it.

Besides the fact that it's utterly disgusting. You don't want to spend the rest of your life married to a man who is that careless on not only his health, but yours too. That would be a prison wondering what he might be up to or when and if he's going to do it again.

Leave the past behind, as much as it hurts, as much as you cry over it, you WILL heal, as long as you give yourself the chance.

If you're lonely, go back onto the dating sites. Make a profile and just chat. No one can push you to meet right now anyhow, and talking won't hurt anyone.

If by the end of quarantine you didn't like anyone enough to meet, delete profile.

But who knows, you might find a man who was treated as badly as you have been and you can heal together.

great ideas Smackie!

Hah not my idea I got it from Dr. Phil! lol He suggested it to a lady who lost her husband a year ago... she's gone back to grieving because she's stuck in her house alone with her thoughts. I think anyone who is even just depressed or bored would benefit from this. It's something anyone can do with little or no money.

I would have dumped him, too. Part of my reason would be the prostitute, but the larger part would be for his stupidity in telling me about it.

 

Valuing intelligence above all else, I don't envision my future as being with a stupid partner.

 

Confessions are selfish. They dump responsibility onto the shoulders of the one who hears it and can do zero to change it. So unless there was imminent danger of this prostitute showing up at your wedding to announce that she had serviced the groom, it makes no sense to poison a partner with that information unless the goal is to back out of the proposal.

 

So the coward's goal was to prompt YOU to end this thing, and you did. Now it's up to you to decide whether someone who would manipulate you this way is the one you'd really want back in your life, and if so, how long it would take such an upstanding guy to find another bomb to drop on you to get himself out of THAT.

 

Head high, and think.

These are my thoughts as well.

it was isolated moment of opportunity and weakness When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

My opinion goes with the majority. Free yourself so that one day you can find someone who would never hurt their partner in one of the worst ways possible. I'm not using the words "the one he loves" because a man who loves you would NEVER cheat on you, no matter what the excuse given.

You're worthy of someone who matches your good ethics. Having some good memories cannot trump a partner's crappy ethics. With no contact, you will eventually begin to heal and move on. Pamper yourself and feel good that you have high standards, because anything less is neglecting yourself. Take care.

Hah not my idea I got it from Dr. Phil! lol He suggested it to a lady who lost her husband a year ago... she's gone back to grieving because she's stuck in her house alone with her thoughts. I think anyone who is even just depressed or bored would benefit from this. It's something anyone can do with little or no money.

I am so sorry! You must feel so deceived.

You made the right decision . I would bet money that it was not the first time he cheated on you, may it be a prostitute or other.

Do not let this guy back in your life, and when all of this has lifted, get tested.

Thank you so much everybody for taking the time to to reply. You have made me feel much better and level headed.

I will take things one day at a time and try to just focus on myself. My former partner was inexperienced when we met. I was his first sexual partner. I don't blame myself, but think perhaps there was nativity on my part to think he really could be faithful to his first real girlfriend. He told me he was utterly ashamed of himself and didn't want to start marriage with a terrible secret. I don't believe people are black and white, and despite everything, I cannot bring myself to hate him. It would be easier if I could! In truth, I just don't think he was ready for this commitment. Like others have said, the offence is bad enough, but its the length of time the deceit went on for. I may be wrong of course, but I am inclined to think it was only once. He is introverted and shy, I told him he has disrespected himself as well as me.

I have made subtle changes to my living space however one of the eventual consequences of my decision is that we will need to eventually sell, neither of us can take on the mortgage alone. I live in the UK and property prices are insane, I will come away with some money but certainly not enough to own my own home again for the foreseeable future. Didn't want to have to rent again as feels like a step backwards but such is life.

I am extremely fortunate in these turbulent times that as a copywriter, I can continue earning from home. For the time being he is paying his way so this arrangement will need to continue until this crises is over

Like others have said, the offence is bad enough, but its the length of time the deceit went on for. I may be wrong of course, but I am inclined to think it was only once. He is introverted and shy, I told him he has disrespected himself as well as me.

How did he manage to find himself in the company of a prostitute, in that case? He either sought it out himself, or was in a situation which made him much more easily accessible to a sex worker looking for a client.

I don't mean to put too fine a point on it, but rather to underline the inconsistencies in the guy you thought you knew and who he actually is. It might help to snuff out the desire to see or talk to him when you stop to reflect on how much he's probably kept hidden from you. I don't even necessarily mean he's used their services more than once (though I would not rule it out) but rather that there are certain aspects of his character you didn't even know existed. He's capable of some pretty shady behaviour.

Telling you this after proposing was a rather slimy way to indicate that he really did not want to marry.