My girlfriend is close to her ex, and that bothers me

My girlfriend [25 F] and I [24 M] have been dating for a little more than 5 months now. Things are going absolutely wonderful. There’s a great balance in almost all aspects – commitment, values, interests, maturity, etc., and we’re so glad that we found each other. We’re in a long-distance relationship, but when we do meet, it’s always the best feeling. All is good, except for one thing: She’s very close friends with her ex. This is the only problem that sometimes makes me feel miserable, to a point where I don’t know how I can continue with this. To understand this better, here’s a little background:

I’m someone who has trust and insecurity issues due to a bad past. One of my exes cheated on me and another one cheated on someone else to be in a relationship with me (obviously I too had a role to play, and I understand and take blame for it). But these experiences have made me skeptical about the whole trust topic and has made me insecure and uncomfortable with many situations. My girlfriend was in a 4+ years relationship with her ex and they broke up a little more than 2 years ago. Since then, they’ve decided to just be friends. Because it was a 4+ years relationship, they’ve obviously gone through a lot together and know each other very well, which probably makes them still want to be close friends. In spite of my issues, I can kind of understand this equation. But, over the last 2 years, they’ve hooked up a few times with each other. The last time being a few days after my first date with her (it was only a date; we weren’t in a relationship then). Her ex got into a relationship almost at the same time as we did, so the both of them are now happily in love with someone else. They still keep in touch with each other over phone though, by speaking once or twice a week.

This situation as a whole makes me feel very uncomfortable. Every time she mentions that she spoke to him, I feel miserable and things get bad between us for a day or two. I’m not too scared that they’ll get back together if they continue talking – I trust my girlfriend when she says she loves me and is serious about only me. I also do sort of understand being friends with your ex after a 4+ years relationship. I’ve never had such a long relationship and have never stayed in touch with any of my exes, but I can still understand this. But, one of the things that really bother me is the fact that they hooked up a few times after they broke up. Yes, I even understand this to some extent because this was before I came into her life and she had her needs and he was probably the best candidate who she could feel comfortable about to fulfil her needs through. But this still makes me feel quite uncomfortable. With this background, what bothers me even more is that they’re still close friends and speak to each other. She’s also someone who takes time to open up in a relationship, so I still don’t know her 100% (it’s about 50% according to her), which is totally fine, and I understand. But she has mentioned a few times to me that her ex is someone who knows her the best and she can share many things with him that she can’t share with me yet. This is where it bothers me a lot, because obviously I’d like to be the person who knows her best and someone she can open up to and share everything with. While I understand that that’s going to take time, it makes me feel very uncomfortable that her ex is the person who is currently playing that role. And the whole history between them adds up exponentially to my discomfort.

Apart from this, there is no other problem that we haven’t dealt with. Like every relationship, there are differences, but we have easily surpassed them. But this is something that’s being a big roadblock to our happiness. I’ve discussed with her about my issues regarding trust and insecurity and have also discussed this particular issue in detail, but we’re not able to fix this. Also, I’m an emotional person, while she’s someone who’s more practical than emotional. So, while she does understand this, I’m sure she has a limitation in terms of understanding me completely. I did mention to her that what I’d ideally like is for her to cut him off from her life. But she’s not happy about doing that and wouldn’t be able to do it (which I do understand because no one should remove someone else from their life for their partner; it’s just not healthy), and I’m not comfortable with him still being around. I don’t think I’ll be happy if I have to feel miserable about something every now and then; and she won’t be happy to let go of her ex as a friend, because of me. I’m generally a very giving person and try my best to give her as much as I can in terms of love, actions, appreciation, satisfaction, time and understanding about everything. But here I feel that if I don’t draw a line and continue to be giving and take the pain of feeling miserable, I’ll be doing injustice to myself, which is anyway going to eventually affect our relationship. And I don’t want to (and I don’t think it’s right) force her to cut him off. That’ll leave her unhappy and eventually affect our relationship anyway.

As a solution or help, I’ve asked her to let me know when they speak and what they speak about, so I can use that information to eradicate any assumptions I’m making in my head. She does give me that information now, but with a little reluctance. As I said, she’s not someone who’s very open, so giving that information to me makes her feel a little weird, I guess. I have to think ten times before asking her to do something for me to help in this situation, because I can see the internal struggle she has to go through to do that.

She’s an amazing person and we know we’re perfect for each other. We’re also very serious about each other, but I don’t know what to do here. While I do have trust and insecurity issues, because of which this whole thing feels worse than it should, I do believe that this situation is difficult for anybody else; nobody would want to be put through what I’m being put through. I don’t mind taking the initiative and extra effort to fix myself and let her continue to have him in her life without any guilt, but I’m not able to do that. I don’t where to start and how to do it. I’m stuck. I don’t want to lose her, but we also can’t continue at the cost of either mine or her happiness.

Any advice here please?

tl;dr: My girlfriend is close to her ex, with whom she was hooking up (even after they broke up) until very recently, just before we started dating. They still talk to each other and she claims that he’s someone who knows her best and someone she can openly talk to. This bothers me a lot and don’t know how to proceed.

There’s a great balance in almost all aspects – commitment, values, interests, maturity, etc., and we’re so glad that we found each other. We’re in a long-distance relationship, but when we do meet, it’s always the best feeling. All is good, except for one thing: She’s very close friends with her ex. This is the only problem that sometimes makes me feel miserable, to a point where I don’t know how I can continue with this. To understand this better, here’s a little .

Actually, you're discovering that your values don't quite line up. You have very different boundaries in the relationship.

Being friendly with an ex is one thing. What you have here, "But she has mentioned a few times to me that her ex is someone who knows her the best and she can share many things with him that she can’t share with me yet" is something else. Of course her knows her better, simply by virtue of knowing her longer, but I would take issue with the fact that she points this out and essentially places you as an outlier in her life. It's not the mature or considerate way to handle this. Add to that the fact that were still hooking up until very recently, and I can see why you don't appreciate that she keeps him so close to her. She's fooling herself if she thinks most guys would be okay with this.

I don't think knowing when and what they speak about is going to help matters, honestly. It's the continued closeness that's the problem. While you can't tell her to cut him off, you can be a little firmer in your boundaries and tell her that the degree to which she keeps him close to her will affect your ability to invest in her. You state your own boundaries, and it's up to her to decide if she can meet you half-way or not. Her choice here will tell you a lot. It might not be the choice you like, but then you will have to ask yourself if you two are genuinely compatible enough to continue the relationship.

How often do you meet in person, by the way? Does her ex live where she lives?

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

You can't make rules for someone else but you can make them for yourself. You can tell GF, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You can decide whether you'll continue or resolve your relationship with your ex. If you ever decide that he's eliminated from your life and you're completely over him, and you want to try a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

Boom. Done. You've left the door open to preserve any future potential even while you've liberated yourself from an unhealthy investment in someone who never finished her old business.

Head high, and respect your Self.

It's a dealbreaker for me if a guy stays in contact with an ex. Why would I subject myself to a guy who was pouring emotional energy into someone he was once intimate with? When a relationship is regularly upsetting, it means you're in the wrong relationship.

Guess what? There are attractive women out there you can also have a lot in common with, who matches you in the idea that being friends with exes is crossing relationship boundaries. The trick is that you have to be single so you can find her. Try locally this time. It's got far more pros than all the cons of LDRs.

You can tell GF, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You can decide whether you'll continue or resolve your relationship with your ex. If you ever decide that he's eliminated from your life and you're completely over him, and you want to try a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

I would do exactly this.

And there'd be no compromise on it - she either needs to decide that she's fully ready to commit to the relationship with you or she's not, nothing inbetween. For me, this isn't about you having some sort of unreasonable trust issue, hardly anybody would be ok with this situation.

I don't know how you can say that it's such a great relationship and that you share values and maturity when you very clearly do not.

There is simply no reason to stay such close friends with an ex outside of sharing custody. Even then, people tend to distance themselves and keep it strictly to children. Why? So they can develop a proper emotional connection with someone else. This girl is literally telling you that you are an outsider to their inner circle. That's not nice, that's not at all mature, has nothing to do with trouble opening up (that is a whole other red flag) - it's the actions of a person who has major unfinished business with her ex.

They may have broken up 2 years ago, but they never let their connection go and still don't. That's a problem for you in that you become a third wheel in their drama.

Bottom line is take the advice above and walk away. Don't blame women for failed relationships when you are personally making incredibly poor dating choices for yourself. It's a bit like picking out the one rotten fish out of a barrel full of good ones and then being upset that you got poisoned and blaming the fish rather than your own bad choice. You need to fix your picker when it comes to dating, relationships, and what you are calling compatibility or what should and shouldn't be understood.

I'd leave her. She's not ready to be in a proper relationship for whatever reason. The boundaries are blurred and the level of relationship she maintains with her ex is not conducive to any relationship. She's basically emotionally cheating on you but you are allowing it to happen.

I wonder deep down if she doesn't harbour feelings still for him on some level at least.

To add on to what everyone is saying, she is withholding being known by 50% with you, yet her ex knows her 100%?

They continue to cultivate that connection by checking in with each other twice a week.

How is that a wonderful relationship by your standards?

I think there may be a compromise here.

She needs to step it up with you and dial it back with him.

But the fact that you even need to ask isn't a good sign.

I don't blame her being reluctant to have to report to you every interaction she has with him...that's controlling and lacks trust. Would you like being constantly monitored? I doubt it.

You find this relationship of theirs inappropriate, and she doesn't see it as that....this making her report to you is not a solution of any kind. The solution is that she stops or cuts way back on their interaction, and move on from each other...or you are too incompatible on this situation and should dissolve your relationship with her.

I don't blame her being reluctant to have to report to you every interaction she has with him...that's controlling and lacks trust. Would you like being constantly monitored? I doubt it.

 

You find this relationship of theirs inappropriate, and she doesn't see it as that....this making her report to you is not a solution of any kind. The solution is that she stops or cuts way back on their interaction, and move on from each other...or you are too incompatible on this situation and should dissolve your relationship with her.

This highlights the difference between trying to control someone else versus taking control over your own darn Self. If you blame her for making poor choices, then that blame extends to you for making the poor choice of engaging with her.

So? Drop the control stuff, it won't work. Instead, walk away and trust that if the two of you are really a meant-to-be deal, she'll catch up to you when she's capable of making the right choice for both of you. Otherwise, you've freed yourself from a no-win position as an interloper in a relationship that has no room for you. This liberates you to find the RIGHT person for you.

Sorry this is happening, but this is a high risk, high drama situation. Long distance and with someone who is on/off and fwb with this "ex". Step away from this. It's not sustainable.

My girlfriend is close to her ex, with whom she was hooking up (even after they broke up) until very recently, just before we started dating. she claims that he’s someone who knows her best and someone she can openly talk to.

So there you have it OP, she's not the one for you, and you know it. Can't fight this one.

My girlfriend [25 F] and I [24 M] have been dating for a little more than 5 months now.

My girlfriend is close to her ex, with whom she was hooking up (even after they broke up) until very recently, just before we started dating. They still talk to each other and she claims that he’s someone who knows her best and someone she can openly talk to. This bothers me a lot and don’t know how to proceed.

At five months in, your at the threshold of a serious long term relationship. I think it's appropriate to draw the line here with her ex and let the cards fall where they may.

IMO they should have the decency and respect to cut ties without having to be told. She's not a committed minded person and there's a possibility she's weighing her options still. Deal breaker.

It's a dealbreaker for me if a guy stays in contact with an ex. Why would I subject myself to a guy who was pouring emotional energy into someone he was once intimate with? When a relationship is regularly upsetting, it means you're in the wrong relationship.

I agree with this 110%.

Some people might be able to handle their partner hanging out or talking with an ex, but for me, it's not okay and never will be okay.

I don't sit there and wonder if I am a crap person because I can't or won't accept it. Nor do I wonder if someone else who can, is better than me or more tolerant.

What it boils down to it, everyone is different. We all have different likes, dislikes, things we are accepting of, things we are not accepting of.

There is no right or wrong.

But to have this joker sitting there in the background constantly where your partner is continuing to run to him, continuing to confide in him and remain close to him emotionally...nope,, that is a huge deal breaker for me and I would not accept it.

Why would anyone subject themself to living a miserable life like this? Don't say it's down to love, cause I'll tell you what, if this girl loved you, she would oust the ex like there was no tomorrow if she truly loved you and wanted your pain to stop.

She is showing her true colors on what and who she loves.

I would tell her it's me or him and if she choose him, then I would not look back. I don't share with ex's and I don't apologize for it.