Jump to content

How do I start talking about myself?


kathyb

Recommended Posts

I went through a lot of trauma in life and learned very early on that my thoughts, feelings and opinions don't matter. To this day, it's hard for me to open up to people and to speak up when necessary. This has been causing problems in my relationships, because the closer people get to me, the more they realise how little they actually know about me.

 

I like talking about facts, so my boyfriend for example knows my birthday, my favourite kind of cake and that I dislike being out in the rain. But he doesn't know how I feel about my birthday, or why I like that certain kind of cake, or what's the matter with rain. It's not that he hasn't asked, but I simply don't know what to say. As soon as my own feelings are involved, things get hard. I'm terrified to be rejected if I put my feelings into words, and I can't seem to get over it.

 

People always joke that I've literally told them every detail of my day without mentioning myself or how I felt about something even once.

 

It feels lonely in my world, and I want to share what's on my mind with those I'm close to. I wish I knew how to overcome this.

Link to comment

I'd say a post like this is a wonderful place to start. Before diving deep, I'm curious about two things: How do you feel about your birthday, and what's your beef with rain?

 

Safe space here! No worries for rejection. My ears are open and eager for your answers—and, hey, I'm just a straw person on the internet. Good place for a few laps on the bike with training wheels before riding on two wheels out in the wilds of IRL.

 

So, let's hear it.

Link to comment

Awkwardly. You do it by fumbling through it. If I know one thing in life, it’s that people generally admire somebody who has the guts to be real. It usually feels like an expedition into Cringeland until you actually do it a few times and get to experience the power of real connection with another human. Then it begins to feel liberating and fascinating....

 

My Grandma used to say “A burden shared is halved, but a joy shared is doubled.”

 

Good luck!

Link to comment

There is a group called Toastmasters where you learn about public speaking, you could see if there's one in your area, tho they probably are closed due to the virus. Google for their website. That could be a good place to start.

 

I've always been able to talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere so I'm sorry I cant appreciate your problem but I can certainly imagine how difficult it is.

 

Feel free to write in here about anything you want, that cant hurt!

Link to comment

Yes, awkwardly at first and the more you talk, the easier it will get.

 

When a situation comes up that opens the door to something you could share, don't hesitate, just mention it.

 

Or when you and your boyfriend are either sitting together quietly or lying in bed, just say something like..."You know why I like the kind of cake I do? And then tell him".

 

It will seem odd at first, but it will come with ease the more you practice it.

Link to comment

Thank you for your replies.

It's not that I have issues with holding conversations in general; I'm super sociable at times and come across as a lot more confident than I actually am. It's the personal, up and close conversations that leave me unable to express myself.

 

It feels a bit as if I suddenly develop selective mutism when it comes to talking about myself sometimes. I literally cannot make it happen, especially when there's a lot of expectation involved. So if someone were to ask me "Hey, why are you so quiet, why don't you like to talk about yourself?" I wouldn't be able to answer, just shrug helplessly. It doesn't always happen, but most of the time it's an issue.

 

I didn't precisely decide to stay in my relationship, no. Just mentioned my (ex)boyfriend because it was a good example. He's actually helped me a great deal with this, because he's very patient. He's not the reason I'm a little bit messed up.

Link to comment
Curious: Does this issue present itself more often with men, in non-platonic environments, or is it something you feel with women as well?

 

With everyone. It's easier with strangers, as they are people I usually would not see again. So it feels "safer" to express myself, because if a stranger rejects me it won't have consequences.

 

I met this dude at school a few months back - got drunk with him later that day, basically poured my soul out - because he was curious about me and I figured I'd never talk to him again. Well, he ended up sitting next to me every day since then and it's been extremely awkward.

 

---

edit: Though now that I think about it, it's more an issue with men, and especially in intimate situations. Not sure what to make of that though.

 

I'm older than your average student, don't mind me mentioning school.

Link to comment

People who talk about themselves tend to be bores. What makes you think this is some sort of good goal to have? No one wants to be your cocktail party therapist. No one has ever said this to you so why worry about it?

I'm super sociable at times

if someone were to ask me "Hey, why are you so quiet, why don't you like to talk about yourself?"

Link to comment

Perhaps you need to talk less about yourself particularity if you get drunk and TMI starts pouring out. Please get to a therapist or (online) support group. At least it is valuable, confidential and worthwhile. It sounds more like you are desperate to have someone to talk to not like you are reticent to talk. This last bf who told you to talk too much did you a great disservice.

I met this dude at school a few months back - got drunk with him later that day, basically poured my soul out

Link to comment
No one has ever said this to you so why worry about it?

 

Sorry it wasn't clear, English is not my first language, but many people have asked me why I'm so quiet when it comes to talking about myself. It happens often and it's why I'm asking for advice here. No one besides my abusive parents has ever told me I talk too much.

Link to comment

So? Just make small talk and be a good listener. Why can't you talk about current events, movies, interests, etc? If your parents or BFs were abusive, get to a therapist. Getting drunk and pouring your heart out to anyone who'll listen is not the answer.

people have asked me why I'm so quiet when it comes to talking about myself.
Link to comment
I went through a lot of trauma in life and learned very early on that my thoughts, feelings and opinions don't matter. To this day, it's hard for me to open up to people and to speak up when necessary. This has been causing problems in my relationships, because the closer people get to me, the more they realise how little they actually know about me.

 

Can you give an example of a specific problem this has caused?

 

I don't usually consider it to be a problem when I find out I don't know much about someone. I just assume they're a private person and I respect that.

Link to comment

Your thoughts, feelings and opinions are everything to you. They allow you to exist, and so matter more than anything.

 

With everyone there is a part that people will never fully understand because they are not you, and that is fine. We are all in this boat. The same goes for people in our lives, we can spend time to try and get to know people as best as we can but we will never know it all, or lots of it realistically. I don't think this is a bad think, as if we fully understood someone they would become a little boring to us.

 

Have you ever thought of writing those answers down in a journal rather than speak? For many this can be a way to get true thoughts out as you don't have to worry about how they sound. You could always go on to share some points in your journal if you choose to.

 

Start small, there is no rush.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...