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Thread: Self healing and reconnecting after 5 months

  1. #1

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    Self healing and reconnecting after 5 months

    Hello everyone,

    I was dating my ex for around 6 years since we met in college. Around the 4th year, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my school and other pursuits in life were affected and I was a shadow of my former self. I was also raised in an abusive household and as much as I did not want to admit it and as much as she tried to make me understand but I dismissed it, I was emotionally abusive to her. I was seeking counseling for other issues but because I was so egoistic, I would always blame others for any of my problems instead of looking within and realizing that I have my own personal problems as well. Before our breakup she was the only person that knew about my diagnosis as well. It is important to note that she was not the only one to face the blunt of my actions, I have lost many friends over the years and only now have I reconnected with some of them while some don't want anything to do with me which I understand.

    It has been around 5 months since our breakup. The breakup was a big shock to me, there was some contact between us following it and at one point we were planning to meetup as well. I traveled to take my mind off what was going on and like an idiot I sent her a few cringe postcards merely rambling on and saying how she was good to me and that I had done wrong, etc. At the time, I thought I knew the extent of the suffering and pain I had caused but it was merely just a sense of loneliness and sadness that caused me to write to her. It was only after several months had gone by that my eyes were truly opened. On new years, she sent me a message asking for no contact and that she didn't want to hear anything from me.

    It was hard to see when we were together but since then I have been able to objectively look at my behavior and get help for my issues that I refused to acknowledge prior to the breakup. I opened up publicly about my illness and since then I no longer use it as a mental crutch to justify my behavior. I am also trying to help my own family members with the abuse that is present in their lives, both the abuser and abusee. I am able to manage my illness much more effectively and have also worked towards my past career goals and life aspirations. I have also improved my own communication skills and no longer see everything that goes against what I had expected to be a negative thing or a conspiracy that everyone is against me which is something that I had resorted as a result of childhood trauma. In short, I have been able to see who it is that I am, why I am this person and also the person who I truly want to be.

    I care about her deeply and I want to reach out but I don't know if that is only going to make things worse than what they are. We have had 0 communication in the past 5 months and I am just trying to acknowledge my own shortcomings and sincerely apologize for them. I made her doubt that she was emotionally abused and I want to give back her sense of sanity that I destroyed. Besides what had happened we had a happy and loving relationship. She helped me immensely in my own diagnosis, as well as in becoming a better person for as long as she could. I have many regrets about not being able to fly a fighter jet or how off track I am from my career goals but those mean nothing to me since I am the only person hurt.

    This bothers me a lot because I. through my own actions and not because I am bipolar or grew up in an emotionally abusive household pushed her out of my life and hurt her.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I think the honorable thing to do would be to respect her no contact request. Remain willing to take responsibility for your mistakes if she reaches out to you.

    Kudos for undertaking an unflinching journey of self-examination. You sound like you are breaking through to a new dimension of freedom and awareness in your life...

    Happy trails!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    there was some contact between us following it and at one point we were planning to meetup as well. I traveled to take my mind off what was going on and like an idiot I sent her a few cringe postcards merely rambling on and saying how she was good to me and that I had done wrong, etc.
    So it hasn't been 5 months of no contact. You've already sent her messages that she was good and you did wrong, so there's no need to pile onto that.

    Let her heal. Your messages already opened your door to her contact if she ever wishes to initiate it, so you can relax and credit her with the ability to make that choice on her own.

    One phase of a healing epiphany is the desire to run around and try to fix everything--and everyone. That's an over extension and needs to roll back, or it becomes a distraction from further healing and a barrier to growth. One of the biggest signs of true healing is a respect for the private limits of others. This doesn't mean that you can't help people, but rather, it means that your scope becomes clear and you learn how to recognize an invitation rather than forcing 'readiness' onto anyone else.

    You'll gain more clarity once you can lose the urgency. Your private high ground will bring peace, not fanaticism. Stay your course, but focus your scope.

    Head high.

  4. #4
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    Good for you for finally getting help, OP. It sounds like you're making great progress.

    I would not try to reach out to her, though. She is on her own healing journey now, and was clear she prefers to keep that door closed. I am sure she would appreciate the work you've done on yourself but the damage was already done. Sometimes there is just no going back and the healthiest choice for both parties is to move on. She is reclaiming her own sanity by maintaining No Contact so I would respect that and leave her be.

    Take all these lessons moving forward into your next relationship, and start fresh with someone new.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Once someone puts this in writing, they can use it as proof to get a restraining order if you persist. In addition to all the other issues, the last thing you need is legal problems. The police/courts don't care about your diagnosis. Abusers typically won't let go.

    Hopefully you are under the constant care of a therapist and psychiatrist. It sounds like you need better support and management of things.
    Originally Posted by mendelevium
    she sent me a message asking for no contact and that she didn't want to hear anything from me.


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