I’m hopelessly in love with one of my Ex’s best friends. Help

Hi all,

So this is a long explanation. I have had feelings for this girl (let’s call her ‘A’ ) for over a year now. When i first realised I was developing a crush on A we started talking, it went really well, we would flirt lots and spend lots of time together or around each other but neither of us ever vocalised that we liked each other. But, after a few months when I made a move she turned me down saying that it wasn’t a good time for her (she was going through dealing with some severe mental health issues). i accepted this and while i still had a crush on her i convinced myself to move on. Though this did not happen quickly.

So some months have passed, i still have a crush on A but i have moved it to the back of my mind and have been trying to get out there and talk to other people. During this time i start talking to one of A’s best friends (lets call her K). K and i hit it off really well and after not too lone we decide to date. Things are going well with K i’m happy but, whenever we hang out as a group with A and other friends i find myself drawn to A, it’s constant, and even tho i have repressed my feelings for A it shows through sometimes. I also still talk to A a lot, we snapchat and text and are super close, we talk to each other about personal things, talk about our problems and i feel really happy when talking to her.

Fast forward in time K and i have been dating for 6 months, everything has gone really well and i like her although i must admit that i wasn’t able to see a long term relationship with K when i looked to the future. over the last half a month or so of the relationship i realised that me still gravitating to A is due to me still having feelings for her. One night while drunk i confessed these feelings for A over the phone. she confessed back saying that she had feelings for me and had for a long time, and that the reason she turned me down was partly due to not wanting to drag me into her mental health problems but also because she was scared of the way she felt about me.

After confessing these things to each other we hung out a couple times, the first time we didn’t kiss although i really wanted to, but, the second time we hung out we kissed, we both wanted it, but we both felt terrible about what this would do to K. we decided not to tell K initially. We continued to talk lots and we were really really close, i realised i was and had been in love with A. We still felt really bad about how this would hurt K so after a week or so we decided that i needed to tell K what had happened. It sucked bc K was still very special to me but i did it. K and i broke up very shortly after this, it didn’t end super messy and we tried to maintain some friendship through communication. K was angry at both A and i but i feel she was more angry at A. K was also very hurt by this situation as i believe she saw me as a long term partner.

Fast forward some more, K and i are not talking a lot anymore, K and A are not talking that much either, however A doesn’t want to loose K. A and i still talk lots and have hung out once or twice more but not kissed or anything again. A mutual best friend of both K and A (let’s call her S) has convinced A that if she doesn’t stop talking to me then A cannot be friends with K or S. So, A cuts things off with me completely, which i understand, these people are her friends of many years. It really fkn hurts, more so then breaking up with K, but i understand. A month passes without me or A talking at all, then, at a party we see each other, we talk heaps and both agree that we still have feelings for each other and that it fkn sucks not talking, so, we start talking again. very quickly things go back to usual, we click so well and both seem to make each other better people. Then we decide to hang out again although this time it’s more of asking each other on a date. We hang out and everything works so well between us, like we have known each other for years, we make out a lot but other then getting a bit handsy, no further. keep in mind that this is 1 and a half maybe 2 months after the split with K. We have a really great time together, we talk about our feelings lots, she really likes me and i really like her.

But it’s not happily ever after yet, S finds out that A and i are talking again and that we have made out and is furious, she tells K and K is upset about it. S again gives A the ultimatum of me or them and A reluctantly chooses them. Again we don’t talk for a month but this times it’s different, this time we both know that the feelings are there and that they’re strong.

Now to the present, last week A and i called and talked for the first time in a month. I love her and she loves me but she is in a position where no matter what choice she makes she is going to hurt someone, if she chooses me she hurts K and risks loosing S, if she chooses K and S she hurts me and herself. basically it fkn sucks. She doesn’t want me to wait and hold out hope because she wants me to be happy, but i’m happy when i’m with her and i know she wants to be with me because we have talked about this, and the only reason we aren’t is because there are other people’s feelings involved. So i want to wait, i would wait because it would be worth it, worth it to be with A.

So what i’m asking is, what do i do? do A and i start talking again now and not tell anyone (this seems like it would suck blog having to be secretive but i want to bc we hate not talking to each-other). Or, do we not talk for the moment and wait a few months so that if people are still hurt they aren’t hurt as much? I do not want to give up because i can really see a future relationship with A so any advice would be super appreciated. i feel that to make things happen with A i would have to talk to K about it but idk. i really needed to talk to someone about this ahaha.

If u need anymore information just ask :) thanks in advance for ur help.

Unfortunately all the secrecy and cheating is creating your own drama and dilemmas. Jump out of this alphabet soup 🍲 and make a decision about who to date, then stay sober and stick to it.

I made my choice, I want to be with A but there’s stuff and other people in the way now. I know it’s my own fault that it’s this way but that doesn’t make it suck less :(

When a person doesn't have 100 percent confidence in being with you, it's not the right relationship for you. not wanting to drag me into her mental health problems but also because she was scared of the way she felt about me. Nothing but excuses because she's just not that into you, but likes the ego boost that you have a crush on her, and the spark of illicit romance.

Neither of you have good ethics, you cheating by kissing someone who was not your gf, and the girl who kissed her friend's bf. If you're expecting a beautiful blossom to spring from a bad seed, forget about it. It's not happening.

Time to exit the group that has become too filled with drama. Go no contact. Seek a gf outside of the group, and learn some boundaries when you have a gf. You shouldn't be in contact with any other female you share chemistry with when you have a gf. It's not conducive for a successful relationship. Think of it as a gf being a fly on the wall and listening to what you say to anyone, and seeing how you behave. If you've said or done something to another woman you wouldn't want your gf to be privy to, it means you've crossed relationship boundaries.

If you don't learn from your mistakes and do some maturing, all your future relationships are bound to fail. Good luck.

I don't think it's going to work out with this A girl, OP. She has already made her choice and it wasn't you.

And I highly doubt any amount of talking to K is going to make a difference. What would you say that would make her suddenly okay with this? She is understandably hurt by how you and her supposed friend behaved while you were still dating her; I can't see her even wanting to entertain the idea of conversation with you about this. She has a right to her feelings. It's not your place to try to somehow convince her that yours are more important, which is really what you would be doing if your goal is to date A and try to make K okay with it.

Sorry, man. This is too messy and unless A decides to lose both friends, it's not going to work.

Are you guys students? Or are you working? I ask is because the dynamics are a bit different. It is a good idea to just find a gf outside the group, but that’s easier said than done if you are students. In a college setting, they can shoot you down before you even take off. It seems you’ve made up your mind. However, as already mentioned, what you can do will depend mainly on A.

S seems very controlling and seems to have a lot of leverage. She’s bad news and will be at the other end of the rope in this tug-of-war. Whether you continue your relationship with A or not, she is damaged goods to them and might have a miserable life in the group. She will no longer be trusted as before and could be left out in certain things in the future.

If A wants to continue the relationship, which seems very slim, you can apologize to K to salve the wound. No matter what K says, you did apologize. No one is married yet and people make mistakes and change their mind all the time. If you and A really see a future together you can stick to your guns and defend it. I am not telling you what to do, just giving you ideas to think about. I let go of a girl when I was young because of a different type of complication and sometimes I still think of the what ifs? I do emphasize the great advice above to date one at a time only. You created a mess but if you are really sorry for it, should you be denied? You will take a lot of flak, however. If you are working, I don’t know what your situation is but the possibility of moving away together from this place might be an option.

If A chooses the trio friendship, there’s nothing you can do. Find someone new. Again, if you can move away, how good it feels to have a clean slate.

A has mental health issues. She said so herself. So stay away. K isn't really that special to you because if she was, you would not have strayed.

WHy not just make new friends? Start fresh. Find a woman who doesn't have to choose between her friends and you - she can have both because her and her friends are not into drama. you only want A because you can't have her, and she lies the ego boost.