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Thread: The Past

  1. #1
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    The Past

    I have a girlfriend of 2 and a half years.
    We have gotten on well with a few bumps along the way. We are 29 and 25 respectively.
    Trust and loyalty would play a big part of relationships for me. I have no reason to mistrust her. There has been a couple of small things that have annoyed me but I am sure I have annoyed her like any relationship.

    We would have slightly discussed our past before about exs and past relationships. I would be more forthcoming than her with info but that I understood so people may not be as comfortable.
    She suffers from depression and recently during a break down she told me she lied to me about her past. She informed me she cheated on her two previous boyfriends. I was shocked. She cheated on one at 17 by kissing another person in a club. She informed her ex and blames her immaturity. When she was turning 22 she cheated on her second boyfriend on a girls holiday after a drunken night. This concluded in sex. She was conscious of what was happening she said and at the time wanted it. She spoke of how much she hated herself immediately after it and how ashamed she was. She tried to fly home immediately and ended up staying in and upset for rest of holiday. She informed her bf and they continued to go out for a year after. Her reason for doing it was she was just turned 22 and felt like she 42 in a stale relationship with someone who had no motivation and no drive... the relationship was poor yet she stayed with him out of guilt. For me no excuse is relevant .

    I am shocked. Part of me says it's nothing to do with me. She at times doesnt like me talking to new girls in work if they are younger than me etc...other women she doenst mind. she can be insecure where as I have no real issue with who she talks to it's not my business.

    I always noticed since we are bf and gf she is not private with things. She hands me her phone to see things or to make calls, i use her ipad for work etc...I know she is not hiding anything from me with regards contact with men. She uses social media to look at things but never really posts anything. It's not like she craves attention online on instagram etc

    However I am still shocked and feel like I dont know her. I am not the jealous type. However now it has me thinking... the common denominator with her past incidents is that she was in clubs and consuming alcohol. She does not go out much anymore a lot of her friends are not around and she works a lot. She has constantly slammed cheating if it ever arouse in a conversation and said to me when she confessed that she knows it destroys relationships.

    She says she loves me and physically loves me too when I mentioned my concerns. Now when she is going on a night out I can imagine myself being a nervous wreck...or when she looks at other guys in restaurants and peoples watches like we all do...I'm worried what is she thinking....yet she has never cheated on me.
    Should I forget her past...or how should I approach addressing my concerns with her.

  2. #2
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    What was the reason she elected to tell you this now? You say she had a breakdown and told you these things, but what precipitated this?

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    A discussion on the past and relationships. We spoke about how we hooked up etc... and a question about sex arouse and she said I've havent been honest about my past and sexual partners.
    I knew she had 2 exs. So I was just surprised and asked had she cheated before and then she hit me with yes which shocked me.

    I have had past sexual partners also and our conversations wouldnt be focused on who what when were how many etc. But she had been specific before that she had 2 exs. And these were her 2 sexual partners on top of a couple of guys she fooled around with.

    It was as if she was getting it off her chest. I can she why she would not say it before. Its not the first thing you would tell a bf.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I don't think you can just forget finding out that your partner has a massive character problem and your shock is understandable.

    Now that you know, it really comes down to can you ever trust her again or will this turn toxic for you as you will find yourself always wondering and looking over your shoulder. Note that what you thought was just her insecurities is really her projecting to you her lack of character. She is afraid of who you are talking to because of what she would do behind your back. A simple case of she doesn't want you doing what she would do - typical cheater mentality.

    I don't think it matters one bit why she told you this, the question for you is whether this is acceptable to you or not. Only you can answer that question.

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    I must reiterate this girl has not given me any notion that she would cheat on me. I would assume someone that would cheat would be protective and secretive in regards social media phones etc. Posts pictures of us online and is affectionate. More so than me! She stayed with her second partner for a year and a half after that incident whuch strikes me as someone that feels they need someone or company even if not happy.... Again, we have a good relationship with the typical odd run in.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rolf12
    I must reiterate this girl has not given me any notion that she would cheat on me. I would assume someone that would cheat would be protective and secretive in regards social media phones etc. She stayed with her second partner for a year and a half after that incident whuch strikes me as someone that feels they need someone or company even if not happy.... Again, we have a good relationship with the typical odd run in.
    Except that her form of cheating isn't all that elaborate where she needs to hide things, it's more impulsive. She is more likely to screw a random guy while out and about than to have an elaborate concealed affair or a double life. Then again, cheaters are known to have burner phones, hidden accounts, etc. They don't have to hide the phone that you know about or the e-mail that you know about because there is nothing there and yet they can lead a full on double life. Can you deal with that uncertainty and is that a chance you want to take with a life partner? She already disclosed her lack of character, so now you have some hard decisions to make on what you can and cannot deal with.

  8. #7
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    True I agree. It's a big decision to make.

    She could easily have always kept this a secret. I didnt know. I had no way of finding out. She didnt need to tell me. How many people would tell a significant other... I will need a good think.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Speaking of pasts? A month or so back you posted here describing yourself as 31 and your girlfriend as 27. You were also posting about a relationship of yours, with a co-worker, that was approaching, if not already crossing into, emotional infidelity. Not bringing all that up to throw shade on you, but just trying to understand the facts here, as well as the full context of your relationship. Looks pretty slippery and messy, at least from these removed seats.

    In terms of the specifics here? Only you, at the end of the day, know what you can handle, how you feel. In your shoes I'd probably be more unnerved by finding myself in a relationship with someone for whom an adolescent transgression was still wreaking havoc on her conscious than anything else. That there speaks to immaturity and emotional instability, by my own measuring sticks.

    Stir in a second transgression—and, well, just not my thing. Again, it's the confessional nature of it all, more than actions, that would rub me the wrong way. I'd see it as someone announcing to me that she has not reckoned with herself—where she's been, who she is—and experience has taught me that people can be wrecking balls until they reckon with their demons, no matter how juvenile those demons might be.

    But, again, this is your life, not mine. Curious to know: Have questions about her levels of maturity and/or emotional stability pinged around in your mind much over the past 2.5 years?

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    Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.


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