Im (22F) too ashamed to leave my boyfriend (21M) and feel trapped

Hello I decided to make a throwaway/ burner account because I feel if anyone found a post like this it would cause more problems than solve.

I have "been with" or "talking to" this guy for over a year, I am not his girlfriend but we both agreed to be faithful to each other. I was ok with this because he is very busy and we knew he would be moving eventually (which, as of February, he has, and is now across the country). For example, he used to be very affectionate and would give me attention, call me, get upset or bummed out if I couldn't talk, etc. but never did anything for the past 2 valentines days, which I figured made sense because I'm not officially his girlfriend.

But now he doesn't really do anything. He has bought me expensive gifts and has called me sometimes. I ask him a lot for reassurance if he still likes me, wants to be with me, or would like to stay exclusive, it is always a yes. He increasingly got more busy, which is why I don't totally get upset he can't be there as much. But it feels like he has more time to pay attention to me than he claims.

I have communicated to him that I do want more attention and affection, and him initiating FaceTime calls. He keeps reiterating that he's just busy and tired and that he does want to talk to me, and that he's "trying his best" and asks me to think about "everything else [he] did for [me]". I accept that and apologize, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Unless he is suppressing feelings for me, you would feel like a man has feelings for you if he did, one way or the other, time dependent or not, right? I just feel neglected and walked away from. My self esteem is .

The lack of attention, the way I felt neglected, the fact that he moved, my past experiences with infidelity, and in combination with how I caught him talking to other girls before (we resolved that and moved on) gave me a gut feeling (one I have felt many times before in past relationships and proved to be true) he wasn't being faithful to our promise to be exclusive. I know I'm not his girlfriend but that is still a promise, at least to me.

Before acting on my gut feeling I told him how I felt he was using apps and why I felt that way, and that I even understood if he wanted to meet other people, but he denied it. But his treatment of me still hasn't lifted that gut feeling and though I feel really bad about it, I acted on it and tried to find a tinder profile in his area, and I did.

Im really embarrassed of how I overstepped a boundary and went out of my way, I just wanted to find that "change your discovery settings" screen and go about my life without that feeling and that he really is just treating me this way for reasons that dont have to do with how he feels about me. but I did find it, and Im not really sobbing over it cuz I kinda expected it and am used to it, but I just feel like I'm in a chokehold from the embarrassment, I feel like a psycho and toxic.

Part of me can't let it go and just wants to text him im done but another part of me wants to wait until I can see him and see if that changes how I feel, I probably could move past this as I have before but I dont know if I can this time because of how abandoned I feel with him. I reach out to call and try to text to see if I can at least get a convo started but that doesn't really go anywhere, as Im left on delivered.

I dont know if its actually my fault, like I did something, or am toxic, because mine and his friends rave to me about how amazing he is and how much of a loyal guy, like the most loyal guy on the planet, and how I lucked out with him. And I feel that way about him, but not about us, or me. If I ask my friends for help Im scared that they'd prob think I did something and that he must have a good reason for treating me this way, since apparently he's not that kind of guy at all. Im also embarrassed because I do a lot for him and feel really strongly about him, and Im embarrassed that I really like and am clinging to, and acting psycho with someone who doesn't feel the same back.

Do I just throw the towel in and say Im done? I dont know how to talk to him about it, and I dont know if I should even bring up how I know about his Tinder. What if I'm reading him wrong and that I should just let it go and work on the neglect? Do I wait for him to come back after quarantine?

TL;DR My "boyfriend" neglects me from a distance and I found his Tinder and I dont know if or how I should end things with him.

I appreciate the help, as again I feel too embarrassed to ask from more personal folk.

You are the one trapping yourself in a field of what ifs.

Read back over your post and tell me if you think he is really interested or if he is just throwing you breadcrumbs. He enjoys having you around, but it obviously looking for something better.

If after a year, you are not together, then he is definitely stringing you along. And you are hanging on his every word with hope that things will change in the future. And now you discover he is out looking for other girls? Walk away, block, delete and don't talk to him again.

Get some self respect, stay single for a bit and regrow your self-esteem in a healthy way (i.e. not by getting attention from guys)

What a very sad situation. You have been kept dangling on a string while he gets to do whatever he wants and he can, because you're "not his girlfriend". Your post is full of indications that you have little self worth and that you've put him on some kind of pedestal, which he totally doesn't deserve. He's gaslighting you, neglecting you, manipulating you and cheating on you and he can do all this without a shred of guilt because you're "not his girlfriend". You are being kept on the bench for when it's convenient for him and when it's not, he plays the "busy" card. Please stop beating yourself up, apologising and believing that you are wrong to feel that way you do. Quit listening to your friends' opinions and listen to your gut. You've asked if you should throw the towel in and say you're done. The answer to that is yes, and the sooner the better.

I have felt trapped in relationships previously and, like you, found myself excusing their behaviour and making it all my fault. When I found the courage to say "NO MORE" and got out, it was such a relief and I was so much happier. Please save your sanity and what's left of your self esteem and get out.

Oh, dear. You are in a world of denial, girl.

This man is not your boyfriend. The problem is that you expect him to behave like one. He doesn't really owe you his time or attention. I understand that it's normal to want those things, but it's not what you signed up with this arrangement. The only thing he seems to have promised you is exclusivity, which I take to mean as sexual exclusivity. I highly doubt he's writing off other women completely, even if he claims he is. As he's not your boyfriend, he has every right to be on dating apps. That isn't something to "work through," because he technically isn't doing anything wrong and he isn't cheating. You're not a couple.

You're fretting over this because it's quite obvious you've been stuffing down your own needs and desires (an actual, mutually-satisfying relationship) in favour of doing the Pick Me! Dance with him, hoping he changes his mind about dating you. But if it hasn't worked for more than a year, you have to wake up and realize it's never going to work. He would have locked you down by now if he felt the same things you do. He's fine with seeing you sometimes and interacting when he's got nothing else going on but it's pretty clear he's still looking for someone else. It hurts to admit to yourself, I know, but this guy just isn't that into you.

And stop listening to whomever is telling you that you lucked out with him. You don't even have him; there's nothing to have lucked out with here. See what I mean? There's nothing spectacular or loyal about a guy who still doesn't want to make you his girlfriend after a year and is on Tinder looking for other options. I think your friends are either very inexperienced or don't have the heart to tell you that you're wasting your time on him. But, since we're strangers and don't have a dog in this fight, I will say the following:

1) There's nothing to "bring up" about the neglect. He isn't your boyfriend, and you need to remember that. Neglect doesn't factor into this equation. If you feel neglected, it's because you've been fooling yourself into thinking he should treat you like his girlfriend. That's not what this is though, hon. That was your cue to have called off this FWB arrangement a while ago.

2) Likewise for Tinder. He's allowed to date other girls. It's obvious that "faithful" doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to you. He's showing you very clearly he has no intentions of being exclusive with you.

3) And yes, for heaven's sake, throw in this towel. You are completely wasting your time. He doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him. It's time to admit to yourself that there's no future with him.

You need to move on from him. It's only a matter of time before he fades out altogether because he has met someone else and started dating her.

You don't want the same things. End it so you can move forward. He is too immature for you.

How do you make a throw away account and why? Are you posting under 2 or more user names?

I decided to make a throwaway/ burner account .

Have you met this guy?

Hi @Medium0 you are worthy of being loved and worthy of love that can be trusted. Please do not settle for less. I want to encourage you to focus on building your self esteem as I think this might be beneficial for you in having a healthy relationship. Don't let anyone else's action determine your self worth.

You are enough! You are worthy of love and respect! You are deserving of happiness! You are not toxic! You have the ability to make wise decisions! You are courageous.

Wish you all the best for the future.