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Thread: Desperate for advice PLEASE READ

  1. #1
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    Desperate for advice PLEASE READ

    Ok, I’m going to be as upfront and genuine as I can about this. Before I explain my situation I ask anyone who responds to do one thing before you respond just take a moment to think...
    *what if was me in this situation*

    I have been with my girlfriend now for just over 2 years. We are both in our late 20s.

    A month ago she booked a holiday away with 5 other girls to Iya Napa for June 2021
    I’m going to sum this up to exactly what it’s going to be. Getting hammered, partying, girls on tour etc etc. (The girls who she is going with are shall we say, wreckless)

    I’m sure by now you can see we’re I’m going with this and what’s to follow.
    I feel very uncomfortable with it. To the point we’re it’s always on my mind.
    There’s no point in me sugar coating this, I’m a realistic type of person. When I was single I went to the exact same place she is going and it’s awful. “Sleeze balls” “Lads being lads” “creeps” “dodgy people”
    My girlfriend has a terrible tendency to get in some states when we go out. (Which is ok when I’m with her as I can look after her) but she doesn’t remember much the next day.

    She told me about it before she booked it and I made it clear and was honest with her by saying, “I’m not going to stop you, it’s your life, but I feel extremely uncomfortable with it”
    She went ahead and booked it with what can only be described as “like it or lump it”

    I’m going to be sat at home going out of my mind with worry, and best case scenario for me personally will be.
    She goes, comes back safe, and says Iv had a good time. But I KNOW what I’m like and forever more will always wonder... what really happened.
    Even if “nothing happens” it makes my stomach churn knowing the environment she will be in and what’s there in front of her”

    I don’t know what to do or how to feel, it’s getting to a point we’re I’m considering is this right for me, should I get out now? It’s really effecting me.

    Thanks for reading

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You can't be her parents or police her. Either you trust her or you don't.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    She's going about a year and two months from now?

    That's a long time to be upset about something.

    Yeah, if you don't trust her to be faithful then go ahead and get out now.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So, what you're saying here is that you are presently freaking out about what might happen on a vacation that your girlfriend is going to take in fifteen months?

    Honestly, I would take a moment to reflect on that, far more than the trip, and ask yourself if maybe, just maybe you are looking for something to freak out about because...well, you know that answer more than me. Are you by nature prone to high levels of anxiety and paranoia? Are you unhappy in the relationship, as is? Are you looking for a reason to end it? Just shooting in the dark a bit, until you offer some more context.

    At the end of the day, your concerns boil down to one thing: you have very little respect for your girlfriend. That right there is a major problem. You seem to think she is incapable of handling herself in saucy environments, and it might be worth asking why you're okay with "looking after her" as she drifts into "states" you don't consider okay. Just doesn't seem like the ingredients for a harmonious romantic stew, at least from where I'm sitting.

    You asked that we put ourselves in your shoes, but I honestly can't. My girlfriend travels, for work, for pleasure, alone and with friends. I love that about her. If my gut told me that two Jell-O shots would turn her into a thirst trap—well, she just wouldn't be my girlfriend because I don't have the mental bandwidth to care about all that. Not how I want to spend my emotional capital inside a relationship, and if I was already cashing those chips a year out? Well, that's what I would pinpoint as a very real concern.

    So, I ask: What's really going on here? Are you looking for a reason to get out? If so, do know you can always end a relationship that's not working for you, without having to preemptively manufacture drama, especially by making unsavory projections about someone you proclaim to care about.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You can't be her parents or police her. Either you trust her or you don't.
    As above, she’s her own person and I’d never stop her. But, I am entitled to my feelings, I can’t help it.
    I do trust her, but when she’s smashed it’s a worry

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    So, what you're saying here is that you are presently freaking out about what might happen on a vacation that your girlfriend is going to take in fifteen months?

    Honestly, I would take a moment to reflect on that, far more than the trip, and ask yourself if maybe, just maybe you are looking for something to freak out about because...well, you know that answer more than me. Are you by nature prone to high levels of anxiety and paranoia? Are you unhappy in the relationship, as is? Are you looking for a reason to end it? Just shooting in the dark a bit, until you offer some more context.

    At the end of the day, your concerns boil down to one thing: you have very little respect for your girlfriend. That right there is a major problem. You seem to think she is incapable of handling herself in saucy environments, and it might be worth asking why you're okay with "looking after her" as she drifts into "states" you don't consider okay. Just doesn't seem like the ingredients for a harmonious romantic stew, at least from where I'm sitting.

    You asked that we put ourselves in your shoes, but I honestly can't. My girlfriend travels, for work, for pleasure, alone and with friends. I love that about her. If my gut told me that two Jell-O shots would turn her into a thirst trap—well, she just wouldn't be my girlfriend because I don't have the mental bandwidth to care about all that. Not how I want to spend my emotional capital inside a relationship, and if I was already cashing those chips a year out? Well, that's what I would pinpoint as a very real concern.

    So, I ask: What's really going on here? Are you looking for a reason to get out? If so, do know you can always end a relationship that's not working for you, without having to preemptively manufacture drama, especially by making unsavory projections about someone you proclaim to care about.
    Thanks for the input,

    No I’m definitely not looking for a way out of this relationship. I care very much for her and I really want it to work.

    Yes in the distant past I am a little prone to anxiety.

    The way I see it isn’t me looking for something that may happen, I just feel I’m not a nieve person. (Aside from seeing the place for myself) it’s ruthless.

    I get people will say “look dude just trust her” “let her be free” and nothing probably will happen
    It’s almost the not knowing that’s eating me up.
    Yes it’s a long way off. But if it was in a month or so I’d be feeling the same.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    She's going about a year and two months from now?

    That's a long time to be upset about something.

    Yeah, if you don't trust her to be faithful then go ahead and get out now.
    It’s an awful long time yes. I would be the same if it was 2 weeks away.
    I do trust her. It’s more just the fact that it will play on my mind. I know not everyone feels the same and will agree but it’s just something I have to deal with.

    Say for example someone with OCD about turning switches off. That’s alien to me, and I’m like “why would you do that”

    That’s how people would see this and I respect that

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Maxy
    I do trust her.
    What you are displaying, in this thread, is almost the polar opposite of trust. I don't say that with disrespect, but just so we can continue discussing this in reality, not fantasy.

    If you trusted her, you wouldn't be here, you see? So the problem, or one of them, is that you do not trust your girlfriend. You seem to believe—and correct me if I'm wrong—that she can't behave in a way you respect, and in a way that would respect you and your relationship, when she drinks.

    To which I say: that is a very real problem, right there, whether this trip existed or not. The trip is just bringing it to the surface. Have you discussed with her your concerns about her behavior more generally?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Maxy
    I do trust her, but when she’s smashed it’s a worry
    OP, do you genuinely believe that your girlfriend has a drinking problem, and that is what the real issue is here? If it's true that whenever your girlfriend goes out she drinks to the point of blacking out, then it's highly probable that she has a problem. In which case, it is up to your girlfriend to seek help for her problem. You can certainly talk to her about it and express your concerns to her with her drinking habits. But it is up to her to get the help that she needs, and if she refuses, well.......you need to decide if you're willing to be in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What you are displaying, in this thread, is almost the polar opposite of trust. I don't say that with disrespect, but just so we can continue discussing this in reality, not fantasy.

    If you trusted her, you wouldn't be here, you see? So the problem, or one of them, is that you do not trust your girlfriend. You seem to believe—and correct me if I'm wrong—that she can't behave in a way you respect, and in a way that would respect you and your relationship, when she drinks.

    To which I say: that is a very real problem, right there, whether this tripped existed or not. The trip is just bringing it to the surface. Have you discussed with her your concerns about her behavior more generally?
    Ok will try and be as honest as I can.

    Do I trust her.
    Yes
    She hasn’t give me any reason not too.
    When she gets drunk, she doesn’t do anything particularly wrong, she just a very, “friendly” Person.

    Say for example I went away with the lads, and their was a group of girls hanging around. I’d keep my distance, of course be polite with them but keep the distance.

    She would be, taking pictures with them, downing shots, adding them on Facebook and being the centre of attention.
    Then once pissed a “moment of madness, a mistake, something could happen”

    Perhaps I’m insecure? I don’t feel it tho.. I’m not insecure about myself.

    I know this is beside the point but she’s a very attractive girl.

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