Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 27 of 27

Thread: I got played..

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,805
    Gender
    Female
    Look, this isn't about blame. You have got to start learning from these mistakes and getting defensive and attacking posters isn't going to help you get your life in order.

    If you met a guy in a bar who started talking to you, but he had a wedding ring on, then he went to the bathroom, took it off, came back and told you he is now divorced, would you believe him? I hope not. If your answer is "but I trust people" then you need to work on stopping being so naive. There is no way around that. What this guy did is really the same level of bs - it keeps coming back to the same thing - you already knew there is a problem but you keep trying to justify that "well he came after me". Well....all kinds of people will come after you. If some guy walks up to you and wants $100 from you, will you just give him that? What about all your money and savings? Would you just hand that over and say....well....he wanted it so it's cool... No? Right? Start applying same common sense to dating.

  2. #22

    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    12
    Please note that I am no longer reading or replying to any comments on this post.

    Feel free to blame me, call me a side chick all you like. I am not going to be repeating myself over and over.

    I am not going to be blamed for a man who has told me that he lied to me because he was confused about everything and wanted to keep me around at all costs. I chose feeling over logic, as we have all done at some point in our lives. I regret it wholeheartedly. It doesn't change the fact that he played me and I'm hurt. Have some empathy.

    Judge away, I won't reply. Huge mistake joining this site.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,169
    Originally Posted by Rae1988
    Please note that I am no longer reading or replying to any comments on this post.

    Feel free to blame me, call me a side chick all you like. I am not going to be repeating myself over and over.

    I am not going to be blamed for a man who has told me that he lied to me because he was confused about everything and wanted to keep me around at all costs. I chose feeling over logic, as we have all done at some point in our lives. I regret it wholeheartedly. It doesn't change the fact that he played me and I'm hurt. Have some empathy.

    Judge away, I won't reply. Huge mistake joining this site.
    You are posting in a dating advice forum. If you don't want advice, post instead in the journal section.

    But the advice isn't blame and judgement. Maybe you aren't ready to hear advice, and that's understandable. You're really hurting right now, and really looking for someone to blame, so advice sounds like people are blaming you. It really isn't - but from the outside there isn't anything that calling the guy a jerk can change about the situation.

    The advice is, is if you are tired of being used by men, there are changes you can make to your approach. You've tried listening to your heart over logic time and again, and you end up hurt and defeated, crying about the next guy who plays you.

    We all go through patterns and have to learn the same lesson multiple times. Everyone has a different destructive pattern, but most of us have something. Mine was waiting to make a move until it was too late out of a fear of rejection that would ultimately come true because of the position I put myself in. I made a simple change. I would go with my first instinct, and ask someone out when I first felt like asking them out instead of waiting for the "perfect" moment. If I was going to be rejected anyway, instead of waiting a long time and being rejected, wouldn't it be better to be rejected right away before I felt things very deeply? What a change it made, and I feel like I can divide my dating life into the time before I tried the new thing and the time after. (I probably have a new pattern, but I'm not self-aware enough yet to know what it is haha)

    Your pattern seems to be, from what you've posted, looking for reasons to ignore red flags.

    When you see a red flag, you have an initial reaction that you don't want anything to do with the guy. But then, when the guy says something different, you try and look past it and believe what the guy tells you. You hope that maybe this time the guy is telling the truth. You disregard your initial impression and try to cover that up with blind trust. Now, clearly the guys have been very charming and insistent in their pursuit of you. So yeah they suck.

    But here's the thing - you thought they sucked at the beginning. If you want to break out of this pattern, you need to learn to trust. Not trust some guy who tells you what you are hoping to hear, because you really want the red flag to not be there so you can be with someone who otherwise seems amazing. Trust yourself and your ability to recognize a situation that isn't best for you. If a guy has recently gotten out of a relationship, he isn't going to be as devoted to you as you deserve. You know all the other red flags that have bothered you in the past. You've had some bad experiences that you didn't deserve. And while you can't avoid all bad experiences, you can say no when your gut says you should, and not let some fool keep trying to sway your heart and make you go against your own judgement.

    You don't need any more "not again" situations.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,363
    Originally Posted by Rae1988
    He said initially that was his girlfriend/ mother of his child. I lost interest. He sought me out after that and said that the relationship had ended. I already acknowledged blame in choosing to trust his word.
    That's what I'm curious about, Rae.

    How much time elapsed between him telling you she was his girlfriend, and him later seeking you out and telling you they had broken up?

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,158
    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    I haven't quite figured out the victim-hood angle here.

    What did he do to you? You knew he had a GF and a kid and said he had to maintain a relationship with her.

    That is the moment when you should have understood that you were not in an exclusive relationship.

    Maybe that moment came after you bedded him, I am not clear about that.

    However, I do think you ought to tap the brakes before going all-in with men. Work on fixing your picker.

    You are completely responsible for your behavior and for discernment regarding romance.

    That men interested in you may range from honorable to not honorable, is really the human condition.

    Both genders encounter this.

    So even though you find someone that you really, really like that does not short circuit the filtering process you have to do to get to know what you are up against in romance.

    If you only rely on emotions and your wishes thinking you'll get a Hollywood ending, you are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.
    Originally Posted by Rae1988
    @jimthzz did you read the entire post? He said initially that was his girlfriend/ mother of his child. I lost interest. He sought me out after that and said that the relationship had ended. I already acknowledged blame in choosing to trust his word.

    When we got together, he said he was single and when he met me, they were on and off but he still referred to her as his girlfriend even though they only spoke regarding their son. I'm aware that this was probably all lies.
    I read everything you wrote. I also read all the advice you got from reasonable people.

    If you are still reading anything, please absorb the idea that as far as I can see, nobody is attacking you. Your defensiveness is based on your understanding of the world.

    Your world view must change to protect yourself from those around you that would want to use you.

    You do not have to become a complete cynic bout people. But definitely lose the naivete. It is not helping you.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,949
    My best friend reminds me of you. She too believed everything people told her. Even when faced with irrefutable proof she would say "but he TOLD me he was single!!" Also "people don't lie because they would FEEL BAD!!"

    Unfortunately not everyone shares the same value system. Some people lie to get what they want. It's up to us to set aside how we want things to be in order to accept the truth.

    Trust your gut. Your gut was screaming the truth but you chose to ignore it. You can be your own best advocate but it must be a choice.

  8. #27
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    17,075
    Gender
    Female
    Thread closed...

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Videos


Can Facebook Destroy Your Marriage?

What Does Betrayal Do To Relationships?

What Is Good To Know About The First Date

Online Dating Websites Most Frequently Used By Older Adults

Blogging Helps New Moms Handle Parental Stress

What Do Men And Women Want In A Relationship?
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •