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Rae1988

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Hi everyone,

 

I'm sorry to trouble you all during this pandemic but I am really struggling and I can't seem to turn to my friends and family for support.

 

I was recently introduced to a guy through one of our mutual friends. We met when my friend took me to a bar. Let's call that guy Gordon. Gordon and I spoke but we didn't exchange numbers so I thought that was the end of that. I should add that I have a Chelsea FC pop socket behind my phone. Gordon saw it and told me he's a Chelsea fan as well. He then proceeded to scroll through his camera roll to show me a picture of his car, which he calls Chelsea. While he was scrolling, I saw saw several pictures of him with a young lady. I asked him if that was his girlfriend and he said yes.

 

A week later, our mutual friend messaged me and told me that Gordon wanted us all to meet at TGI Fridays. My friend couldn't go because he had to work so Gordon asked him for my number in order to ask me. He messaged me but I was unable to go, due to flu like symptoms (not Covid).

 

We spoke non stop the Friday and over the weekend. While getting to know each other, I asked him how come he wanted to hang out with me, since he's in a relationship. He said that she is the mother of his child, so he tries to stay in a relationship with her for the sake of their child but they're both really unhappy and break up often due to incompatibility. He claimed that they were now no longer together.

 

Like the gullible, trusting idiot that I am, I chose to believe him. We then met up on several occasions subsequent to that. Our connection was undeniably strong. I never got that they were still together because he would never be on the phone with her when we would hang out. I've met his family, friends, he wanted to take me to a work party. We've hung out during the day, so it's not like I was being hidden. It really felt like were in a relationship. He even said I had all of him.

 

We subsequently became intimate. After the encounter, he was about to hop in the shower and I saw a tattoo on his chest with their both names. Obviously, I was disgusted. Had I seen or known about that before, we would have never had sex. Now I know why he wanted to do it in the dark. All that should have been my warning sign. We had a discussion about the tattoo and he swore that he would cover it up when social distancing is over. He said that he was asked to get the tattoo by her, last year, to prove his love for her, so he did it. Now I'm not sure what to believe. I asked if she had any tattoos of him and he said no.

 

After that, we would be good but then whenever he would go to visit his son (who lives with his ex), he would be distant towards me when he got back. He said it was due to her trying to get back together and that her efforts made him feel bad that he already started to move on with me and that he was so happy with me.

 

Then last week Friday, he went to visit their son again and he fell asleep there. He claims that he slept on the couch and she was inside but I didn't believe him. We met up for a lengthy discussion this past Sunday, where he insisted that they are not together but his ex refuses to accept that he doesn't want to be with her. Again, I wasn't sure if this was true. Whenever he visits their son, I never hear from him. He said that's because he doesn't want any confusion but my question is, if you're single, why should you talking to anyone cause confusion? Total red flag again.

 

While we were talking, it was near the sea and the sunset was so beautiful that he asked for us to take some selfies in front of it. Even though I was still mad, I agreed. While taking the selfies on his phone, I saw that he got a WhatsApp notification from a contact saved under "My world ❤❤My babygirl".

 

I was obviously hurt. He said that he never changed his ex's contact name from ever since. I didn't believe him. Now, I would never ordinarily do this but at that point, I was fed up. I asked him to show me their WhatsApp chat. He refused. From that, I knew he was lying. I asked him to take me home by him to collect some of my things and then I made my own way home. I was breaking down in tears on the way to his place and he didn't even say anything. After I left his place, he messaged me but only to send the selfies which we took earlier. I asked him to leave me alone and never contact me again. He still called and asked if I made it home and I told him to leave me be and that I wanted to forget him. I hung up. He messaged me asking if I really wanted to forget him. I said yes and he sent a sad face. I told him to go and message "his world/baby girl" and I blocked him.

 

Yesterday was hard for me. I cried all day in bed. I feel devastated. This is a man who promised me he will always be honest, never put me through any hurt, give me his all and assured me that I could trust him. I came off of a 1 year and 8 month abstinence ban from sex for him, that how sure I was that he was worth it. He texted messaged last night (since he knows he's blocked on WhatsApp) saying "hi babe". How can he be so carefree after all that he's done? I never replied.

 

Yesterday, I did some investigating online and saw that while he and I were taking selfies by the sunset, his "ex" was posting pics of their family on Facebook. I also saw that their relationship status is engaged. Mind you, I asked him if they were engaged and he said no. I wish I did this lurking prior but I am such a trusting person, I feel badly to do that. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be in this predicament. I miss him so much but I keep remembering how he lied to me.

 

I am so tired of men using me to deal with their personal issues and when they have no more use for me, I get tossed to the side. I really thought we had a connection. Gordon told me that he hasn't been this happy in so long. He cried in front of me, he told me things he never told anyone (so he said) and I thought we really had a great future ahead. I feel so sad and played.

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Sorry to hear this. Steer clear of men in relationships. The best way to prevent getting hurt is to get to know someone for a while before investing your heart and soul.

I asked him if that was his girlfriend and he said yes. I did some investigating online and saw that while he and I were taking selfies by the sunset, his "ex" was posting pics of their family on Facebook. I also saw that their relationship status is engaged.
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@wiseman2 he told me they were broken up. I take blame for not waiting for him to fully heal. I even told him that we can be friends until he sorts out everything on his end but he insisted that he wanted to be with me. I guess I got caught up in him selling me dreams.

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All of THIS should have been your warning sign... not his tatoo that you would only have seen if you schtuuped.

so he tries to stay in a relationship with her for the sake of their child but they're both really unhappy and break up often due to incompatibility.
The very fact that they "break up often" also means that they tend to get back together just as often.

Common sense, No?

 

I am so tired of men using me to deal with their personal issues and when they have no more use for me, I get tossed to the side.
Just to state the obvious and not to be mean... The common denominator here is you. Learn to read read flags... like the one I quoted for example and quickly get away from men who often get back with their ex.
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@miss Canuck the first part of your question, I can't fully answer because he considered us to be in a relationship when I thought we were just dating. I would say we we're officially dating for almost two months but he would say it's been longer than that.

 

Second part of your question, according to him, he's been single but when I met him, he said he wasn't then his story changed so I'm not sure how to place that timeline.

 

There has been a lot of inconsistencies that are not adding up to me.

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@thatwasthen your response is very insensitive. I do read red flags, however, I try to be trusting, which has not always worked out well for me in the past. I already acknowledged that.

 

If they broke up often in the past and he is telling me that they're done for good, he is fed up etc, I am to blame for thinking he has no reason to lie about that? Has nothing to do with common sense or lack thereof.

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Sweetie stop lying to yourself. You met this guy and knew right away that he is in a relationship - you saw pics, he confirmed that's his gf. That is ALL the information you needed to stop flirting and interacting with this guy.

 

Everything you did after that, you did knowingly and do NOT pretend that you are such an idiot you just had no idea and were just buying whatever. Your story is like a million others - side chic who thought she'd become the main chic but it didn't work out that way. You are not being played, you are a knowing active participant and so long as you continue to engage in these kinds of games with taken men, you'll keep finding yourself where you are now - used and discarded. Even if you get the guy, what do you have? A cheater and you know what they say about that - how you got him is how you'll lose him.

 

If you want a proper relationship, find a man who is actually single.

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@thatwasthen your responses have been rude and insensitive. No need for insults. Kindly take your negative views elsewhere.

 

Not meant to be rude of insensitive... just something for you to think about. You ignored a very fundamental red flag to be with this guy so ask yourself why you would do that and then work on that. It will be the beginning of you not falling for garbage men that you say you are sick of being with.

 

Nothing rude about trying to teach you to change YOU rather than hoping who you get with will change.

 

The saying "You are what you eat" is relevant in this situation.

 

Sweetie stop lying to yourself. You met this guy and knew right away that he is in a relationship - you saw pics, he confirmed that's his gf. That is ALL the information you needed to stop flirting and interacting with this guy.
Worth repeating.
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@dancingfool your name is a true testament to your character. A total fool. If you could read what I wrote and still get "side chick" then something is seriously wrong with you. No comment on the fact that this man lied to me about his relationship status after making contact with me right? Smh. No but feel free to blame me.

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@dancingfool your name is a true testament to your character. A total fool. If you could read what I wrote and still get "side chick" then something is seriously wrong with you. No comment on the fact that this man lied to me about his relationship status after making contact with me right? Smh. No but feel free to blame me.

He didn't lie to you... You lied to you. He told you he was off and on with her. They have child together. You didn't even consider the dangers of being with a man with his ex dynamic. Foolish on your part, luv.

If you're not going to listen to good advice, just because it doesn't go with your own narrative swirling around in your head then you're always going to end up thinking you're a victim when in reality, your a volunteer for what you end up with.

 

Try not to be so defensive and listen and self reflect on your own behaviour regarding your so far, failed love life. Sure, he's a jerk but you're not taking any responsibility for your own emotional well being or your lack of boundaries when it comes to men.

 

No but feel free to blame me.
That saying once again is: "You are what you eat."

 

If they broke up often in the past and he is telling me that they're done for good, he is fed up etc, I am to blame for thinking he has no reason to lie about that? Has nothing to do with common sense or lack thereof.
They have a child together. He will never be done with her particularly when you know that they have been off and on. He's still emotionally connected to her somehow. If he wasn't then the "off" and the "done for good" would mean that he never went back to her. He would have broken up, made custody arrangements where he gets the kid at his place (not hers) and child support was in place and being paid. You ignored all the red flags that a man in this ex dynamic displays. You don't believe guys like him... you forsake them.
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I haven't quite figured out the victim-hood angle here.

 

What did he do to you? You knew he had a GF and a kid and said he had to maintain a relationship with her.

 

That is the moment when you should have understood that you were not in an exclusive relationship.

 

Maybe that moment came after you bedded him, I am not clear about that.

 

However, I do think you ought to tap the brakes before going all-in with men. Work on fixing your picker.

 

You are completely responsible for your behavior and for discernment regarding romance.

 

That men interested in you may range from honorable to not honorable, is really the human condition.

 

Both genders encounter this.

 

So even though you find someone that you really, really like that does not short circuit the filtering process you have to do to get to know what you are up against in romance.

 

If you only rely on emotions and your wishes thinking you'll get a Hollywood ending, you are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

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He said that she is the mother of his child, so he tries to stay in a relationship with her for the sake of their child

 

No need to read path this ^^^. It's got a skull and crossbones on it, so the outcome was fully predictable.

 

I'd make it a private rule to avoid anyone who's deceiving someone else to be with you.

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@jimthzz did you read the entire post? He said initially that was his girlfriend/ mother of his child. I lost interest. He sought me out after that and said that the relationship had ended. I already acknowledged blame in choosing to trust his word.

 

When we got together, he said he was single and when he met me, they were on and off but he still referred to her as his girlfriend even though they only spoke regarding their son. I'm aware that this was probably all lies.

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Sorry about all this.

 

What stands out to me—and I don't mean this insensitively, nor do I believe any advice here has been insensitive—is that your ideas about trust seem to be a bit counterproductive to actually building trust with someone.

 

Here would be a metaphor: Let's say you are shopping for a house, and I have a house to show you. I show you the kitchen, which is quite nice. I also show you the lack of ceiling, which is not so nice. If what you want is a house that can keep you warm and dry, I presume you would not want the house I'm selling. And if you did buy it for whatever reasons, and found yourself very uncomfortable when it rained, I can't imagine you'd call me a liar.

 

What I mean is: he told you, when you met him, that he had a girlfriend. A week later, if I'm being correct, he expanded on that story: explaining that, actually, he's in a super complicated on/off relationship with the mother of his child, and was, at least for the moment, in an "off" phase. That, right there, was him being completely honest with you. He showed you the missing ceiling.

 

This line stands out to me: I am so tired of men using me to deal with their personal issues and when they have no more use for me, I get tossed to the side. I get that that's informed by past pain, and for that pain I'm sorry, but from what you've written? I don't see that story, not here. The person who has been pushing him away from you—the person doing the "tossing"—is you. When you saw the tattoo, when you saw the WhatsApp stuff.

 

Understandable, no doubt, and a healthy response, if belated. But I don't see any deceit. His explanations behind all that, as well as his reasons for going dark when he's visiting his kid, are completely in line with the story he led with. Again, the missing ceiling. He has never hid it from you. I'm sorry for your hurt, truly, but I think you'll find steadiness and security—in processing this and moving forward—by looking at the building materials, at the choice of homes, so to speak.

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@catfeeder I did and it was him who begged to be with me,
A good time to tell him that you're not interested in having a relationship with a guy that doesn't have proper child custody and child support in place. Does he live on the streets? Why did he have to go to her house to see his kid?

 

assuring me that things changed on their end.
Words without actions to back them up are just words. You may have acknowledged that you were to blame for "believing him" but you've not acknowledged your own ignoring of the red flags nor have you been very open to learning about why you find yourself with d-bags for lovers.

 

Until you learn to forgive yourself for volunteering to be with a d-bag and stop looking at yourself as a victim who was "played" you will have a hard time moving on from this and you'll not have learned anything to keep you safe from future d-bags.

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Look, this isn't about blame. You have got to start learning from these mistakes and getting defensive and attacking posters isn't going to help you get your life in order.

 

If you met a guy in a bar who started talking to you, but he had a wedding ring on, then he went to the bathroom, took it off, came back and told you he is now divorced, would you believe him? I hope not. If your answer is "but I trust people" then you need to work on stopping being so naive. There is no way around that. What this guy did is really the same level of bs - it keeps coming back to the same thing - you already knew there is a problem but you keep trying to justify that "well he came after me". Well....all kinds of people will come after you. If some guy walks up to you and wants $100 from you, will you just give him that? What about all your money and savings? Would you just hand that over and say....well....he wanted it so it's cool... No? Right? Start applying same common sense to dating.

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Please note that I am no longer reading or replying to any comments on this post.

 

Feel free to blame me, call me a side chick all you like. I am not going to be repeating myself over and over.

 

I am not going to be blamed for a man who has told me that he lied to me because he was confused about everything and wanted to keep me around at all costs. I chose feeling over logic, as we have all done at some point in our lives. I regret it wholeheartedly. It doesn't change the fact that he played me and I'm hurt. Have some empathy.

 

Judge away, I won't reply. Huge mistake joining this site.

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Please note that I am no longer reading or replying to any comments on this post.

 

Feel free to blame me, call me a side chick all you like. I am not going to be repeating myself over and over.

 

I am not going to be blamed for a man who has told me that he lied to me because he was confused about everything and wanted to keep me around at all costs. I chose feeling over logic, as we have all done at some point in our lives. I regret it wholeheartedly. It doesn't change the fact that he played me and I'm hurt. Have some empathy.

 

Judge away, I won't reply. Huge mistake joining this site.

 

You are posting in a dating advice forum. If you don't want advice, post instead in the journal section.

 

But the advice isn't blame and judgement. Maybe you aren't ready to hear advice, and that's understandable. You're really hurting right now, and really looking for someone to blame, so advice sounds like people are blaming you. It really isn't - but from the outside there isn't anything that calling the guy a jerk can change about the situation.

 

The advice is, is if you are tired of being used by men, there are changes you can make to your approach. You've tried listening to your heart over logic time and again, and you end up hurt and defeated, crying about the next guy who plays you.

 

We all go through patterns and have to learn the same lesson multiple times. Everyone has a different destructive pattern, but most of us have something. Mine was waiting to make a move until it was too late out of a fear of rejection that would ultimately come true because of the position I put myself in. I made a simple change. I would go with my first instinct, and ask someone out when I first felt like asking them out instead of waiting for the "perfect" moment. If I was going to be rejected anyway, instead of waiting a long time and being rejected, wouldn't it be better to be rejected right away before I felt things very deeply? What a change it made, and I feel like I can divide my dating life into the time before I tried the new thing and the time after. (I probably have a new pattern, but I'm not self-aware enough yet to know what it is haha)

 

Your pattern seems to be, from what you've posted, looking for reasons to ignore red flags.

 

When you see a red flag, you have an initial reaction that you don't want anything to do with the guy. But then, when the guy says something different, you try and look past it and believe what the guy tells you. You hope that maybe this time the guy is telling the truth. You disregard your initial impression and try to cover that up with blind trust. Now, clearly the guys have been very charming and insistent in their pursuit of you. So yeah they suck.

 

But here's the thing - you thought they sucked at the beginning. If you want to break out of this pattern, you need to learn to trust. Not trust some guy who tells you what you are hoping to hear, because you really want the red flag to not be there so you can be with someone who otherwise seems amazing. Trust yourself and your ability to recognize a situation that isn't best for you. If a guy has recently gotten out of a relationship, he isn't going to be as devoted to you as you deserve. You know all the other red flags that have bothered you in the past. You've had some bad experiences that you didn't deserve. And while you can't avoid all bad experiences, you can say no when your gut says you should, and not let some fool keep trying to sway your heart and make you go against your own judgement.

 

You don't need any more "not again" situations.

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He said initially that was his girlfriend/ mother of his child. I lost interest. He sought me out after that and said that the relationship had ended. I already acknowledged blame in choosing to trust his word.

 

That's what I'm curious about, Rae.

 

How much time elapsed between him telling you she was his girlfriend, and him later seeking you out and telling you they had broken up?

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I haven't quite figured out the victim-hood angle here.

 

What did he do to you? You knew he had a GF and a kid and said he had to maintain a relationship with her.

 

That is the moment when you should have understood that you were not in an exclusive relationship.

 

Maybe that moment came after you bedded him, I am not clear about that.

 

However, I do think you ought to tap the brakes before going all-in with men. Work on fixing your picker.

 

You are completely responsible for your behavior and for discernment regarding romance.

 

That men interested in you may range from honorable to not honorable, is really the human condition.

 

Both genders encounter this.

 

So even though you find someone that you really, really like that does not short circuit the filtering process you have to do to get to know what you are up against in romance.

 

If you only rely on emotions and your wishes thinking you'll get a Hollywood ending, you are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

 

@jimthzz did you read the entire post? He said initially that was his girlfriend/ mother of his child. I lost interest. He sought me out after that and said that the relationship had ended. I already acknowledged blame in choosing to trust his word.

 

When we got together, he said he was single and when he met me, they were on and off but he still referred to her as his girlfriend even though they only spoke regarding their son. I'm aware that this was probably all lies.

 

I read everything you wrote. I also read all the advice you got from reasonable people.

 

If you are still reading anything, please absorb the idea that as far as I can see, nobody is attacking you. Your defensiveness is based on your understanding of the world.

 

Your world view must change to protect yourself from those around you that would want to use you.

 

You do not have to become a complete cynic bout people. But definitely lose the naivete. It is not helping you.

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