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Thread: I got played..

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sweetie stop lying to yourself. You met this guy and knew right away that he is in a relationship - you saw pics, he confirmed that's his gf. That is ALL the information you needed to stop flirting and interacting with this guy.

    Everything you did after that, you did knowingly and do NOT pretend that you are such an idiot you just had no idea and were just buying whatever. Your story is like a million others - side chic who thought she'd become the main chic but it didn't work out that way. You are not being played, you are a knowing active participant and so long as you continue to engage in these kinds of games with taken men, you'll keep finding yourself where you are now - used and discarded. Even if you get the guy, what do you have? A cheater and you know what they say about that - how you got him is how you'll lose him.

    If you want a proper relationship, find a man who is actually single.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rae1988
    @thatwasthen your responses have been rude and insensitive. No need for insults. Kindly take your negative views elsewhere.
    Not meant to be rude of insensitive... just something for you to think about. You ignored a very fundamental red flag to be with this guy so ask yourself why you would do that and then work on that. It will be the beginning of you not falling for garbage men that you say you are sick of being with.

    Nothing rude about trying to teach you to change YOU rather than hoping who you get with will change.

    The saying "You are what you eat" is relevant in this situation.

    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Sweetie stop lying to yourself. You met this guy and knew right away that he is in a relationship - you saw pics, he confirmed that's his gf. That is ALL the information you needed to stop flirting and interacting with this guy.
    Worth repeating.

  3. #13

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    @dancingfool your name is a true testament to your character. A total fool. If you could read what I wrote and still get "side chick" then something is seriously wrong with you. No comment on the fact that this man lied to me about his relationship status after making contact with me right? Smh. No but feel free to blame me.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rae1988
    @dancingfool your name is a true testament to your character. A total fool. If you could read what I wrote and still get "side chick" then something is seriously wrong with you. No comment on the fact that this man lied to me about his relationship status after making contact with me right? Smh. No but feel free to blame me.
    He didn't lie to you... You lied to you. He told you he was off and on with her. They have child together. You didn't even consider the dangers of being with a man with his ex dynamic. Foolish on your part, luv.
    If you're not going to listen to good advice, just because it doesn't go with your own narrative swirling around in your head then you're always going to end up thinking you're a victim when in reality, your a volunteer for what you end up with.

    Try not to be so defensive and listen and self reflect on your own behaviour regarding your so far, failed love life. Sure, he's a jerk but you're not taking any responsibility for your own emotional well being or your lack of boundaries when it comes to men.

    No but feel free to blame me.
    That saying once again is: "You are what you eat."

    If they broke up often in the past and he is telling me that they're done for good, he is fed up etc, I am to blame for thinking he has no reason to lie about that? Has nothing to do with common sense or lack thereof.
    They have a child together. He will never be done with her particularly when you know that they have been off and on. He's still emotionally connected to her somehow. If he wasn't then the "off" and the "done for good" would mean that he never went back to her. He would have broken up, made custody arrangements where he gets the kid at his place (not hers) and child support was in place and being paid. You ignored all the red flags that a man in this ex dynamic displays. You don't believe guys like him... you forsake them.
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 03-31-2020 at 02:37 PM.

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  6. #15
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    I haven't quite figured out the victim-hood angle here.

    What did he do to you? You knew he had a GF and a kid and said he had to maintain a relationship with her.

    That is the moment when you should have understood that you were not in an exclusive relationship.

    Maybe that moment came after you bedded him, I am not clear about that.

    However, I do think you ought to tap the brakes before going all-in with men. Work on fixing your picker.

    You are completely responsible for your behavior and for discernment regarding romance.

    That men interested in you may range from honorable to not honorable, is really the human condition.

    Both genders encounter this.

    So even though you find someone that you really, really like that does not short circuit the filtering process you have to do to get to know what you are up against in romance.

    If you only rely on emotions and your wishes thinking you'll get a Hollywood ending, you are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    He said that she is the mother of his child, so he tries to stay in a relationship with her for the sake of their child
    No need to read path this ^^^. It's got a skull and crossbones on it, so the outcome was fully predictable.

    I'd make it a private rule to avoid anyone who's deceiving someone else to be with you.

  8. #17

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    @catfeeder I did and it was him who begged to be with me, assuring me that things changed on their end. I already acknowledged my blame in choosing to believe him.

  9. #18

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    @jimthzz did you read the entire post? He said initially that was his girlfriend/ mother of his child. I lost interest. He sought me out after that and said that the relationship had ended. I already acknowledged blame in choosing to trust his word.

    When we got together, he said he was single and when he met me, they were on and off but he still referred to her as his girlfriend even though they only spoke regarding their son. I'm aware that this was probably all lies.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    What stands out to me—and I don't mean this insensitively, nor do I believe any advice here has been insensitive—is that your ideas about trust seem to be a bit counterproductive to actually building trust with someone.

    Here would be a metaphor: Let's say you are shopping for a house, and I have a house to show you. I show you the kitchen, which is quite nice. I also show you the lack of ceiling, which is not so nice. If what you want is a house that can keep you warm and dry, I presume you would not want the house I'm selling. And if you did buy it for whatever reasons, and found yourself very uncomfortable when it rained, I can't imagine you'd call me a liar.

    What I mean is: he told you, when you met him, that he had a girlfriend. A week later, if I'm being correct, he expanded on that story: explaining that, actually, he's in a super complicated on/off relationship with the mother of his child, and was, at least for the moment, in an "off" phase. That, right there, was him being completely honest with you. He showed you the missing ceiling.

    This line stands out to me: I am so tired of men using me to deal with their personal issues and when they have no more use for me, I get tossed to the side. I get that that's informed by past pain, and for that pain I'm sorry, but from what you've written? I don't see that story, not here. The person who has been pushing him away from you—the person doing the "tossing"—is you. When you saw the tattoo, when you saw the WhatsApp stuff.

    Understandable, no doubt, and a healthy response, if belated. But I don't see any deceit. His explanations behind all that, as well as his reasons for going dark when he's visiting his kid, are completely in line with the story he led with. Again, the missing ceiling. He has never hid it from you. I'm sorry for your hurt, truly, but I think you'll find steadiness and security—in processing this and moving forward—by looking at the building materials, at the choice of homes, so to speak.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rae1988
    @catfeeder I did and it was him who begged to be with me,
    A good time to tell him that you're not interested in having a relationship with a guy that doesn't have proper child custody and child support in place. Does he live on the streets? Why did he have to go to her house to see his kid?

    assuring me that things changed on their end.
    Words without actions to back them up are just words. You may have acknowledged that you were to blame for "believing him" but you've not acknowledged your own ignoring of the red flags nor have you been very open to learning about why you find yourself with d-bags for lovers.

    Until you learn to forgive yourself for volunteering to be with a d-bag and stop looking at yourself as a victim who was "played" you will have a hard time moving on from this and you'll not have learned anything to keep you safe from future d-bags.

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