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Heartbroken and lost


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Hello,

Hoping someone can guide me...

 

I was dumped 4 weeks ago. It's totally rocked me as this was someone that had planned a future with me and someone that made me feel like I was worth something.

 

Back in November she mentioned her head was a little muddled and wasn't sure what she wanted. We worked through it and December and January were great.

At start of Feb, she mentions she's getting similar thoughts again.

Believing that maybe I wasn't doing enough to make her happy, I tried harder, organised more dates, surprised her with flowers, did what I could to make her feel great. She though, saw this as smothering and pressure.

I started to think she was interested in other men and probably referenced that, albeit in a lighthearted way, which upset her.

We had a few days of not speaking then when we got in contact she mentioned how this whole situation was too stressful for her.

2 days later she comes round and ends it with me.

I took it badly, I respect her decision, I just found it very hard to accept. Foolishly I text her a few times asking why it happened, telling her we could still be great and sometimes just general chat.

She told me thst I should stop messaging her. I tried but would occasionally slip up. I know it was wrong of me but I felt I hadn't been given closure on the whole thing.

About 2 weeks later I notice she has removed me from social media. I text her to ask why (I thought this would have happened a lot sooner!) she didn't reply. A few hours later I text again asking why and that it would be polite just to reply.

I get a reply telling me I am now blocked on social, phone, WhatsApp etc.

Two days later the police call me to say she has told tjem I have been sending her "unwanted communication" I apologised to the officer and told him that if I knew it had upset her this much then there is no way I would have done it. I mentioned how many messages were conversation between us and not me begging for her or anything.

 

I miss her more than I ever thought possible and I'm hoping that she may reach out to me bit I think it's unlikely. I just don't know how to move on as I would literally do anything for this girl.

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I am sorry you're going through this. Heartache is very tough to deal with, but it is possible to heal from it.

 

The best you can do for the time being, is to get therapy if at all possible. Seek out counselling either online or over the phone with the current situation going on.

Ask for support from family and friends and try to spend as much time with them as you can (again via online or Zoom or whatever).

 

Try to keep your mind occupied, it will help.

 

And lastly, find a way to come to terms with the fact that this is now over. Do not contact her whatsoever again or you will be arrested.

 

Many have survived heartache and as much as it hurts, it is something you can get past given enough time and healing.

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I, too, am sorry that you are going through this, but you MUST stop messaging her. She's made that loud and clear, Rb. That, and the fact that she's involved the police. RED FLAGS!!!! As SherrySher mentioned, you should enlist the support from family and close friends. I also feel that you should keep your mind busy although one cannot do that 24/7, especially with all the craziness that's going on today. I would write down all the negative things that were present in your relationship and focus on those things and not the positive. Crazy as it sounds, it really does help. I, personally, found this to be very helpful. It's natural to idealize the person and the relationship. Listen to some uplifting music. Concentrate on all the good things you have in your life (your heath, family friends). Accept the fact that you simply weren't meant to be together. Read articles on the Internet regarding breakups, heartache, etc.

 

You are hurting right now because you are suffering the demise of your relationship, so you have to go through the grieving process. It takes a long time and it's different for everyone but time will help you to heal. Time is the key. It's an unfortunate part of life that we all experience at one point or another.

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Hello,

Hoping someone can guide me...

 

I was dumped 4 weeks ago. It's totally rocked me as this was someone that had planned a future with me and someone that made me feel like I was worth something.

 

Back in November she mentioned her head was a little muddled and wasn't sure what she wanted. We worked through it and December and January were great.

At start of Feb, she mentions she's getting similar thoughts again.

Believing that maybe I wasn't doing enough to make her happy, I tried harder, organised more dates, surprised her with flowers, did what I could to make her feel great. She though, saw this as smothering and pressure.

I started to think she was interested in other men and probably referenced that, albeit in a lighthearted way, which upset her.

We had a few days of not speaking then when we got in contact she mentioned how this whole situation was too stressful for her.

2 days later she comes round and ends it with me.

I took it badly, I respect her decision, I just found it very hard to accept. Foolishly I text her a few times asking why it happened, telling her we could still be great and sometimes just general chat.

She told me thst I should stop messaging her. I tried but would occasionally slip up. I know it was wrong of me but I felt I hadn't been given closure on the whole thing.

About 2 weeks later I notice she has removed me from social media. I text her to ask why (I thought this would have happened a lot sooner!) she didn't reply. A few hours later I text again asking why and that it would be polite just to reply.

I get a reply telling me I am now blocked on social, phone, WhatsApp etc.

Two days later the police call me to say she has told tjem I have been sending her "unwanted communication" I apologised to the officer and told him that if I knew it had upset her this much then there is no way I would have done it. I mentioned how many messages were conversation between us and not me begging for her or anything.

 

I miss her more than I ever thought possible and I'm hoping that she may reach out to me bit I think it's unlikely. I just don't know how to move on as I would literally do anything for this girl.

 

I know the feeling someone won't tell why they broke up with you

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Thank you for your advice.

I feel I should also explain when and why things started getting tough.

In oct one of her family members passed away plus she lost her job. It made everything very stressful and with her mental health issues she would often refer to her "head being full"

During this period arguments started as she struggled with life. I always tried to stay positive yet her mindset meant I was often shut down. During this time I also saw that she needed help so I contacted mental health groups, doctors etc but she told me off for doing so.

I really feel that the issues of her grieving plus the job loss clouded her mind and with me trying to put more effort in to cheer her up she saw it as smothering when in reality it was out of love and trying to pick her back up.

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Thank you for your advice.

I feel I should also explain when and why things started getting tough.

In oct one of her family members passed away plus she lost her job. It made everything very stressful and with her mental health issues she would often refer to her "head being full"

During this period arguments started as she struggled with life. I always tried to stay positive yet her mindset meant I was often shut down. During this time I also saw that she needed help so I contacted mental health groups, doctors etc but she told me off for doing so.

I really feel that the issues of her grieving plus the job loss clouded her mind and with me trying to put more effort in to cheer her up she saw it as smothering when in reality it was out of love and trying to pick her back up.

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I really feel that the issues of her grieving plus the job loss clouded her mind and with me trying to put more effort in to cheer her up she saw it as smothering when in reality it was out of love and trying to pick her back up.

 

That may indeed be true. Unfortunately, it's not how she sees it and it's not a battle you can fight for her. You might have had the best intentions but it sadly doesn't mean they would be well-received. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

 

At this point, there is little you can do but cut all ties with her and focus on your healing. Any further attempt to contact her is going to land you in legal hot water.

 

Out of curiosity, what sort of mental health issues do you believe she struggles with?

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Hello,

It's not so much that I believe she has them. She actually does

Depression, anxiety, ocd. Add to this 2 physical health conditions that hinder her on a daily basis.

What is weird is that a few days prior to it being ended, when she was discussing feeling unhappy, she told me, "I don't know why I feel like this, you are the best boyfriend I have ever had. So caring, loving etc etc"

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Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? You need to leave her alone before you have more legal problems. Get to a doctor MD for a referral to a therapist to work out this obsession. With help you can get a handle on the clingy possessive actions.

Two days later the police call me to say she has told tjem I have been sending her "unwanted communication"

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Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? You need to leave her alone before you have more legal problems. Get to a doctor MD for a referral to a therapist to work out this obsession. With help you can get a handle on the clingy possessive actions.

 

Oh I am leaving her alone. I have no way I can contact her and I certainly don't want to get in trouble or cause her any more upset.

We were together just under 2 years

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Unless she is telling you she wants to take her own life...you have no right to be calling any mental health professionals on her.

 

You overstepped your boundaries. Even if you were married you have no right. Unless someone asks you to do that or if they are saying they are considering suicide, then you can call, otherwise you're being pushy and forceful and it's not your place.

 

Choosing to see a mental health provider is a very personal thing. You had no right to take it upon yourself and phone anyone for her or even mention her situation to someone else. You only do so if you feel she's in danger and by that, I mean she has said she wants to die. Otherwise don't assume and don't make choices for her.

 

As for trying to stay "positive" during trauma in her life, sometimes people don't need or want positive. Life can be awful at times, sometimes all a person can do is feel the feelings, accept what has gone on. Part of the mourning process is to full on mourn.

 

You as a partner have no other job other than to care for her during this time. Care means, make sure you offer food if she hasn't eaten, get groceries for her if need be. Offer company but don't be upset or angry if she wants alone time.

Don't push her.

Sometimes a person just needs someone to be there for them, in silence. Sitting holding their hand, but not offering solutions or advice. Just be there.

Ask if she wants to talk about it and if she says no, then just be there. No pushing.

 

I feel from what you described you went about it the wrong way. You pushed her away and you did the wrongs things.

Don't get me wrong Rb, I know what you did, you feel you did out of love. Your heart was in the right place, but it was the wrong things to do.

If anything, learn from this and grow from it so if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you'll know how to handle it better.

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Unless she is telling you she wants to take her own life...you have no right to be calling any mental health professionals on her.

 

You overstepped your boundaries. Even if you were married you have no right. Unless someone asks you to do that or if they are saying they are considering suicide, then you can call, otherwise you're being pushy and forceful and it's not your place.

 

Choosing to see a mental health provider is a very personal thing. You had no right to take it upon yourself and phone anyone for her or even mention her situation to someone else. You only do so if you feel she's in danger and by that, I mean she has said she wants to die. Otherwise don't assume and don't make choices for her.

 

As for trying to stay "positive" during trauma in her life, sometimes people don't need or want positive. Life can be awful at times, sometimes all a person can do is feel the feelings, accept what has gone on. Part of the mourning process is to full on mourn.

 

You as a partner have no other job other than to care for her during this time. Care means, make sure you offer food if she hasn't eaten, get groceries for her if need be. Offer company but don't be upset or angry if she wants alone time.

Don't push her.

Sometimes a person just needs someone to be there for them, in silence. Sitting holding their hand, but not offering solutions or advice. Just be there.

Ask if she wants to talk about it and if she says no, then just be there. No pushing.

 

I feel from what you described you went about it the wrong way. You pushed her away and you did the wrongs things.

Don't get me wrong Rb, I know what you did, you feel you did out of love. Your heart was in the right place, but it was the wrong things to do.

If anything, learn from this and grow from it so if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you'll know how to handle it better.

 

Apologies, maybe I didn't explain correctly. I called a group of mental health charities and support groups in order to find how best I could be there for her as I felt I could do better and I could see how much she was struggling. We spoke to each other about it continuously but sometimes my attempts at help weren't great. After a while she was thankful I called them but was upset it took me so long to do so when apparently I'd promised it a previous time.

She had lots of alone time. We actually made it a thing to see each other just twice a week in order to allow her time to recover due to her physical conditions and recover mentally from anything causing her stress/anxiety

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The other possibility is, once someone has gone through something that has really shook their world, it can change things. An upsetting situation really can either bring a couple closer or push them further apart depending on how well they work together, or unfortunately, don't work.

 

She might have just decided that you and she weren't as much of a match as she thought before.

 

When we first meet someone, it's all hearts and flowers. Both people seem perfection and everything seems like a dream come true.

We don't see all sides of them and we won't be able to see all sides until we have seen them sick, angry, worried, scared, tired, impatient, etc.

 

A traumatic situation can bring these sides out in someone and as a couple, you either become stronger or it shows that you're not a strong couple after all.

 

It's not your fault. There are just somethings we can be compatible with in regards to another person and somethings we are not.

 

You did what you felt was right, after that...it's out of your hands.

 

She now has to navigate her own life, find her own healing and path.

The best you can do is to find yours as well and to heal from all of this best you can.

 

I am sorry you have to go through this, OP. But don't take it personally. You did the best you could.

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As MissCanuck stated "there is little you can do but cut all ties with her and focus on your healing." Additionally, please stop focusing on the past. It doesn't serve any purpose other than keeping you on square one. She needs to focus on her own healing/issues/confusion, and you need to move forward. I know it's hard; been there, done that. A little background on me: my ex kicked me to the curb after 29 years of marriage almost 2 years ago. I have dealt with it, accepted it and moved on as best I could. Through determination and perseverance and time (most important), you will accept it also. You will heal, trust me. You owe that to yourself. Best of luck to you, and stay safe.

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Totally agree. I know what I need to do. It just seems I can't find the motivation to start!

Plus because right before she ended it she kept telling me how she wish she didn't feel this way due to how much she loved me it just messed my mind up.

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Totally agree. I know what I need to do. It just seems I can't find the motivation to start!

Plus because right before she ended it she kept telling me how she wish she didn't feel this way due to how much she loved me it just messed my mind up.

 

Stop focusing on what she said and focus on what she did - she called the cops on you. That should leave you cold and that's your closure right there.

 

Unless you are lying about the fact that you were stalking her, then what she did was callous and vindictive. Whatever her mental and physical issues are, she is not a damsel in distress who needs to be saved by you, she a damsel who can wreck your life and your future with a restraining order. Please get this through your head because that is literally all the closure you need.

 

Look up white knight syndrome because it sounds like a lot of your relationship with her was based on that - saving and helping the "poor woman". Work on getting that out of your system unless you love this kind of drama and toxic relationships.

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When someone needs to ease out of a relationship, often they try the 'let you down easy' approach, which ironically gives false hope. Why not use the mental health resources you researched for her, for yourself to get you through this?

T

Plus because right before she ended it she kept telling me how she wish she didn't feel this way due to how much she loved me it just messed my mind up.

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Thanks for your message, it makes a great deal of sense.

Definitely wasn't stalking or anything like that. All communication was via text and fairly often it was conversational rather than me being shut down.

She did tell me to stop messaging and initially I did but with a few slip ups (genuinely not many at all!) It was when I found some of her belongings at my place that I reached out to her to organise them being collected that things went weird and after she collected I didn't contact again until I saw I'd been taken of her social media. It was from that happening that I dropped her a text simply asking about it and from there she called the police.

Trust me, I never wanted to cause her any stress pain or upset and right now it kills me that I may have made her feel that way!

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When someone needs to ease out of a relationship, often they try the 'let you down easy' approach, which ironically gives false hope. Why not use the mental health resources you researched for her, for yourself to get you through this?

 

Good idea. I have started, I had an appointment a few weeks before lockdown and am now on a list for counselling

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Thanks for your message, it makes a great deal of sense.

Definitely wasn't stalking or anything like that. All communication was via text and fairly often it was conversational rather than me being shut down.

She did tell me to stop messaging and initially I did but with a few slip ups (genuinely not many at all!) It was when I found some of her belongings at my place that I reached out to her to organise them being collected that things went weird and after she collected I didn't contact again until I saw I'd been taken of her social media. It was from that happening that I dropped her a text simply asking about it and from there she called the police.

Trust me, I never wanted to cause her any stress pain or upset and right now it kills me that I may have made her feel that way!

 

That's the thing OP, you didn't make her feel scared or bad. What she did, call the cops on you, was callous, vindictive, and overall an ahole move on her part. What she showed is that she is both, not a stable person and also not a nice human being, quite dangerous actually. Open your eyes. You are still looking at her as this damsel in distress when in reality she is a grade A b...ch who will not hesitate to harm you. Please get your head out of your arse and start facing the reality of this situation.

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Totally agree. I know what I need to do. It just seems I can't find the motivation to start!

Plus because right before she ended it she kept telling me how she wish she didn't feel this way due to how much she loved me it just messed my mind up.

 

I know, and I totally understand. It is very, very hard. I did it and so can you! I actually made a sign in large letters which states "I am free. I am happy. No more verbal and emotional abuse. No more disrespect." I hung it on my bathroom door so that I'd see it every time I went in or past that room. I said it out loud for a number of months. Perhaps you can come up with some positives and make a sign to remind yourself of how good you feel that you are no longer in that relationship. I know it's not what you want but it's reality, my friend. Just saying...

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Would genuinely like to say thank you to each and every one of you for advice given so far.

It is really helping. I do feel there is a little more backstory I need to share in order to get the best advice from you guys as I do have some insecurities that I feel may have added to the split but I'm not sure as I can only take my perspective

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