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Thread: Heartbroken and lost

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? You need to leave her alone before you have more legal problems. Get to a doctor MD for a referral to a therapist to work out this obsession. With help you can get a handle on the clingy possessive actions.
    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    Two days later the police call me to say she has told tjem I have been sending her "unwanted communication"

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? You need to leave her alone before you have more legal problems. Get to a doctor MD for a referral to a therapist to work out this obsession. With help you can get a handle on the clingy possessive actions.
    Oh I am leaving her alone. I have no way I can contact her and I certainly don't want to get in trouble or cause her any more upset.
    We were together just under 2 years

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Unless she is telling you she wants to take her own life...you have no right to be calling any mental health professionals on her.

    You overstepped your boundaries. Even if you were married you have no right. Unless someone asks you to do that or if they are saying they are considering suicide, then you can call, otherwise you're being pushy and forceful and it's not your place.

    Choosing to see a mental health provider is a very personal thing. You had no right to take it upon yourself and phone anyone for her or even mention her situation to someone else. You only do so if you feel she's in danger and by that, I mean she has said she wants to die. Otherwise don't assume and don't make choices for her.

    As for trying to stay "positive" during trauma in her life, sometimes people don't need or want positive. Life can be awful at times, sometimes all a person can do is feel the feelings, accept what has gone on. Part of the mourning process is to full on mourn.

    You as a partner have no other job other than to care for her during this time. Care means, make sure you offer food if she hasn't eaten, get groceries for her if need be. Offer company but don't be upset or angry if she wants alone time.
    Don't push her.
    Sometimes a person just needs someone to be there for them, in silence. Sitting holding their hand, but not offering solutions or advice. Just be there.
    Ask if she wants to talk about it and if she says no, then just be there. No pushing.

    I feel from what you described you went about it the wrong way. You pushed her away and you did the wrongs things.
    Don't get me wrong Rb, I know what you did, you feel you did out of love. Your heart was in the right place, but it was the wrong things to do.
    If anything, learn from this and grow from it so if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you'll know how to handle it better.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Unless she is telling you she wants to take her own life...you have no right to be calling any mental health professionals on her.

    You overstepped your boundaries. Even if you were married you have no right. Unless someone asks you to do that or if they are saying they are considering suicide, then you can call, otherwise you're being pushy and forceful and it's not your place.

    Choosing to see a mental health provider is a very personal thing. You had no right to take it upon yourself and phone anyone for her or even mention her situation to someone else. You only do so if you feel she's in danger and by that, I mean she has said she wants to die. Otherwise don't assume and don't make choices for her.

    As for trying to stay "positive" during trauma in her life, sometimes people don't need or want positive. Life can be awful at times, sometimes all a person can do is feel the feelings, accept what has gone on. Part of the mourning process is to full on mourn.

    You as a partner have no other job other than to care for her during this time. Care means, make sure you offer food if she hasn't eaten, get groceries for her if need be. Offer company but don't be upset or angry if she wants alone time.
    Don't push her.
    Sometimes a person just needs someone to be there for them, in silence. Sitting holding their hand, but not offering solutions or advice. Just be there.
    Ask if she wants to talk about it and if she says no, then just be there. No pushing.

    I feel from what you described you went about it the wrong way. You pushed her away and you did the wrongs things.
    Don't get me wrong Rb, I know what you did, you feel you did out of love. Your heart was in the right place, but it was the wrong things to do.
    If anything, learn from this and grow from it so if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you'll know how to handle it better.
    Apologies, maybe I didn't explain correctly. I called a group of mental health charities and support groups in order to find how best I could be there for her as I felt I could do better and I could see how much she was struggling. We spoke to each other about it continuously but sometimes my attempts at help weren't great. After a while she was thankful I called them but was upset it took me so long to do so when apparently I'd promised it a previous time.
    She had lots of alone time. We actually made it a thing to see each other just twice a week in order to allow her time to recover due to her physical conditions and recover mentally from anything causing her stress/anxiety

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The other possibility is, once someone has gone through something that has really shook their world, it can change things. An upsetting situation really can either bring a couple closer or push them further apart depending on how well they work together, or unfortunately, don't work.

    She might have just decided that you and she weren't as much of a match as she thought before.

    When we first meet someone, it's all hearts and flowers. Both people seem perfection and everything seems like a dream come true.
    We don't see all sides of them and we won't be able to see all sides until we have seen them sick, angry, worried, scared, tired, impatient, etc.

    A traumatic situation can bring these sides out in someone and as a couple, you either become stronger or it shows that you're not a strong couple after all.

    It's not your fault. There are just somethings we can be compatible with in regards to another person and somethings we are not.

    You did what you felt was right, after that...it's out of your hands.

    She now has to navigate her own life, find her own healing and path.
    The best you can do is to find yours as well and to heal from all of this best you can.

    I am sorry you have to go through this, OP. But don't take it personally. You did the best you could.

  7. #16
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    As MissCanuck stated "there is little you can do but cut all ties with her and focus on your healing." Additionally, please stop focusing on the past. It doesn't serve any purpose other than keeping you on square one. She needs to focus on her own healing/issues/confusion, and you need to move forward. I know it's hard; been there, done that. A little background on me: my ex kicked me to the curb after 29 years of marriage almost 2 years ago. I have dealt with it, accepted it and moved on as best I could. Through determination and perseverance and time (most important), you will accept it also. You will heal, trust me. You owe that to yourself. Best of luck to you, and stay safe.

  8. #17
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    Totally agree. I know what I need to do. It just seems I can't find the motivation to start!
    Plus because right before she ended it she kept telling me how she wish she didn't feel this way due to how much she loved me it just messed my mind up.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    Totally agree. I know what I need to do. It just seems I can't find the motivation to start!
    Plus because right before she ended it she kept telling me how she wish she didn't feel this way due to how much she loved me it just messed my mind up.
    Stop focusing on what she said and focus on what she did - she called the cops on you. That should leave you cold and that's your closure right there.

    Unless you are lying about the fact that you were stalking her, then what she did was callous and vindictive. Whatever her mental and physical issues are, she is not a damsel in distress who needs to be saved by you, she a damsel who can wreck your life and your future with a restraining order. Please get this through your head because that is literally all the closure you need.

    Look up white knight syndrome because it sounds like a lot of your relationship with her was based on that - saving and helping the "poor woman". Work on getting that out of your system unless you love this kind of drama and toxic relationships.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    When someone needs to ease out of a relationship, often they try the 'let you down easy' approach, which ironically gives false hope. Why not use the mental health resources you researched for her, for yourself to get you through this?
    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    T
    Plus because right before she ended it she kept telling me how she wish she didn't feel this way due to how much she loved me it just messed my mind up.

  11. #20
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    Thanks for your message, it makes a great deal of sense.
    Definitely wasn't stalking or anything like that. All communication was via text and fairly often it was conversational rather than me being shut down.
    She did tell me to stop messaging and initially I did but with a few slip ups (genuinely not many at all!) It was when I found some of her belongings at my place that I reached out to her to organise them being collected that things went weird and after she collected I didn't contact again until I saw I'd been taken of her social media. It was from that happening that I dropped her a text simply asking about it and from there she called the police.
    Trust me, I never wanted to cause her any stress pain or upset and right now it kills me that I may have made her feel that way!

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