Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Gender and sexuality

  1. #1

    Gender and sexuality

    Not really sure how to word this.
    So I'm a female and I've been with my wife for 7 years now. We've been married for 2.5 years. She has recently revealed that she is non binary and would like to use they/them pronouns. Not sure if this will evolve into them being trans. My question is am I wrong for somewhat.... grieving our relationship? I'm not sure how to put it. Please don't get me wrong, I love them with all my heart. They're my best friend. The issue is that I am a lesbian. I married a lesbian, or so I thought. I wanted a woman and thought I had a woman. But now I don't. I love saying she/her when referring to my partner and will no longer be able to do that. I am not pansexual. I'm struggling to call them "they/them" and I feel like this is a really personal matter. I have absolutely nothing against non binary or trans people but I feel like this is an issue bc they're my partner, my spouse, not just a friend. I want to call my spouse my WIFE bc I am a lesbian but I almost feel like I'm being selfish or ridiculous for wanting that. Where does this leave me? Should I just 'stick it out' even though this is not what I want? Would it be unreasonable to think they should let me go if thier gender is no longer compatible with my sexuality? I'm not sure if I want to be let go and I don't really want to go back to the dating scene but what I have is not what I thought, if that makes sense. I love them and I absolutely want them in my life but I'm not sure how to feel or if I'm being selfish or ungrateful for what I have... I don't want to hurt them or be a colossal a**hole. We've discussed this somewhat but they will easily shut down and get upset. I'm not sure how to talk to them about this bc I don't want to scare them into trying to fit their gender to my sexuality and have them be miserable.
    If you don't have any clue about gender and sexuality but want to answer thats fine, just please don't be disrespectful. Also no rude or hateful answers and nothing about religion or unrelated opinions. Otherwise, Thank you for any and all insights! Getting Ready for a First Date
    Last edited by SwiftBiscuit; 03-30-2020 at 07:58 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,931
    Gender
    Female
    I don't think you're being ridiculous. This is a societal conversation that is still in progress, and social impact can't yet be measured.

    Not long ago, I worked with a transgendered person and that experience was very informative.

    I educated myself about the issue as much as I could, in an effort to understand the person I was dealing with.

    One thing that I learned is that transgenderism and sexuality are two completely separate issues.

    I have no idea why transgenerderism is lumped together with lesbian, gay, and bisexual. It is as far from gay as it is from straight. A transgendered person can be gay or straight or bi.

    Originally Posted by SwiftBiscuit
    I want to call my spouse my WIFE bc I am a lesbian but I almost feel like I'm being selfish or ridiculous for wanting that. Where does this leave me? Should I just 'stick it out' even though this is not what I want? Would it be unreasonable to think they should let me go if thier gender is no longer compatible with my sexuality?
    I've seen numerous circumstances where one partner in a straight relationship comes out as trans. The lifestyle change inevitably ends that relationship.

    Why should it be any different in a gay relationship?

    I think you may be facing the end of your relationship, and it's totally appropriate to grieve that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,064
    Gender
    Male
    Aside from the pronouns, is there reason to believe she is trans? Have there been changes in the relationship or sex?
    Originally Posted by SwiftBiscuit
    She has recently revealed that she is non binary and would like to use they/them pronouns. I am a lesbian. I married a lesbian, or so I thought.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,817
    Gender
    Female
    No, you are not being selfish at all. You are in fact completely correct that a change like that negates what the marriage is built on. It's really not any different than if you were straight and your husband came out as gay. That pretty much ends your marriage and relationship as it is no longer viable. You don't have to be mean or nasty or hate each other, it's just that the fundamentals are not there to carry on as a married couple.

    That said, I think Wiseman is asking the right question here. Before jumping to conclusions, has she really said anything about wanting to be a man or even going so far as becoming transgender? What's really going on with her? Since she is your wife, this warrants deeper conversations than just "I want to be called them/they now".

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,702
    I don't think you're being selfish at all. You are allowed to feel how you feel about anything.

    I get that you want to be supportive and accepting, but if it's totally against what you want... I don"t know how you stay together.

    Do they frequently get defensive and shut down? On other topics?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    56
    Posts
    7,980
    Gender
    Male
    What if you were a typical heterosexual married couple? Wouldn't it be just as much a shock to the other spouse?

    Everything you have said is totally normal and expected. Who wouldn't feel the way you are feeling? Right now all the unknowns are scary so keep talking and find out where her head is at and what she envisions her life is to be like as she discovers who she really is deep down inside to be totally happy and free.

    This couldn't have been easy to tell you.

    The cold hard fact is many couples do not survive this type of change because it simply isn't what they signed up for and dreamed of when they got married.

    The best advice I could give you is take plenty of time to let this soak in. There is no rush to do anything other that try and understand what your wife is going through and what she wants for her life going forward. If that means you two are no longer compatible then that is another thread isn't it?

    Keep posting, it helps to write things out and make them real.

    Lost

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,632
    Gender
    Female
    Not sure if this will evolve into them being trans.
    Then my question to you is: Why are you sweating this now when you don't even know if it will go past the They/Them stage? Are you just grieving the fact 'she' doesn't want you to call her by her born gender nor does 'she' want you calling 'her' your wife?
    As for your feelings in general... they are your feelings and you are entitled to them. Just base them on what's actually going on and not so much on what may or may not be going on.


Videos


Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •