Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 30

Thread: Deceit

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    13

    Deceit

    Hi guys, I am a 31 M that is recently broken up with a 27 F after a 2 year relationship.

    It started off amazingly as all things do and we did so much together. We were different in our interests but similar in our desires to settle down and build a life for each other after a few months. We saved money to build our future and constantly talk about kids etc

    After a year and a bit things took a dip. We argued a bit. Her saying I was controlling and her showing an aggressive streak. Two trips away were almost ruined and I could not recognise the person before me. 6 months ago she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She had increased her studies and a lot of stress built up. She had a lot of low days where I stood by here and held her as she cried. She began counselling and was put on anti depressants. She queried people I became friends with at work from the opposite sex in my new job and became jealous. She had been horrible to me at stages but I loved her so much I blamed the depression.

    Her aggressiveness increased with name calling over the last few months. Then she would shower me with affection. I thought to leave months ago but I wanted to stand by her. I even mentioned to her mother should I leave and give her time.

    Anyway we went out. We planned to move in together and were actively looking for an apartment. We rented separately and it was awkward seeing each other at times. We needed out own space and planned to purchase a house in the next year or so.

    Aftee a wonderful trip 1 month ago where we created such amazing memories and got on so well the issues recommenced. I discovered she smokes. Something she said was a new habit and hid from me. I detest smoking and she would say she would stop. And then smoke when I wasnt around but I could smell it off her clothes. This really upset me that she lied.

    We broke up 2 days ago. Her citing she needed to love herself before she could live anyone and our relationship was toxic.

    She told me things I never knew before.
    She had smoked for the 2 years we were together. Something she had denied multiple times.

    She had taken out a credit card 1 year ago after we discussed the cons of it and we agrees it was a poor idea and that we should cut back on savings. She always said she never had a credit card and then admitted she had one for 3 months after lying to me continually.

    When we met she said she was single 2 months. However she has just told me that she broke up with her bf the day after the night I first met her. (We exchanged numbers only) and dated the following week.

    And finally she has admitted to be unfaithful in her last 2 relationships. Which has me shocked. I cant eat or sleep thinking about this.

    She says she is still attracted to me and never cheated on.me. she has never lost attraction for me physically. She says she I more mature now. She is a very attractive girl and would get attention easily.

    I am shocked after 2 years I feel like I dont know this person. I am sick because I built my future around her. I have not slept in 2 days and barely ate.

    She wants to continue as friends as she seeks help to love herself and asks me to get some help for my attitude stringent ways which she says can be controlling.

    I feel I cant continue as friends. I feel so betrayed. How could I trust someone like this.... I feel I've wasted 2 years. All my friends are settling down engaged married buying houses and I felt this was the one. I dont even know what to tell people. I am almost embarrassed.

    Any advice is welcome please. Had anyone been in a similar situation?
    Last edited by joe89; 03-30-2020 at 04:17 AM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Delacrank's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Brooklyn
    Age
    34
    Posts
    938
    Gender
    Male
    It seems like shes gas lighting you every time you bring up any of the issues you have with her. It's never that shes lying or being depressed, rather you who are controlling and being aggressive.

    This is probably a normal reaction to anyone who feels like they are being accused of something thou. I should note that I feel very strongly that everything aside (except for the cheating), her lying is probably a defensive mechanism for someone who has low self esteem. If you really wanted to be with this person then in the end you are gong to have to accept that they lied about several aspects of themselves. All in all its a lot of red flags in which seems to be a sort period of time, I am sort of wondering how it is possible that you haven't noticed more of these as the relationship was progressing, or whether you were actively ignoring them.

    More than anything, if she's lying about small things, then chances are shes lying about big things as well. It's not that the relationship is lost at this point, but rather are you willing to accept this new person, not the one you thought you were in a relationship with. I think when you can come to terms with that, you can make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    13
    She admits to being wrong now and lying. She tells me I dont deserve it but she finds it hard when I argue with her. I see it as standing up for myself, not being a doormat. She sees it as controlling.

    I will not be contacting her in the near future. She has turned my world upside down. She has said she doesn't know what will happen that she still loves me and is a mess right now. She needs to love herself. She feels alone and scared.

    I blame myself a bit for not understanding her depression more. I have been told she is delicate and fragile. Yet what I have seen of her the past few months is aggressive and strong to me. She has been bullied as a teenager and I have been told by her brother she has had aggression issues.

    Again all these things were spoofed to me as I for to know her.

    I'm devastated. I am focusing so much on her cheating in prior relationships more than anything. Should I be? She always claimed cheating would be the most horrible thing ever. And said she felt so ashamed after it.

    Love is most definitely blind.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,225
    I don't think you two are very compatible.

    You have different ways of dealing with issues and seem to have a parent-child dynamic going on. This reads a lot like she is the wayward teen hiding things from her dad, which obviously doesn't work well. I think she doesn't know to tell you that she is tired of the relationship and wants to end it. She might indeed be struggling with depression but I don't think that's what ultimately led to the split. As I read it, it was a pretty significant divergence in values and priorities, and when you two tried to make them line up with each others', it didn't work.

    As for her cheating in previous relationships, well, it's not a good look for her but it's not that relevant to your own break-up. I am not sure why she elected to tell you this now, but I have a feeling she'd been bottling up a lot in an effort to placate you and she's just letting it all out now that it's over. Maybe she's resentful that she felt she had to hide so much about herself or some such thing. All of this speaks to an overall lack of maturity, though. She evidently dodged the truth and would tell you whatever she thought you wanted to hear. That's not the basis for something long-lasting because it's not an honest foundation.

    Looking at it from another angle: how did things go when you two argued? She feels you are controlling and can be aggressive. Is there any truth to that? Meaning, how did you react when things like money or smoking came up? (before you knew what she'd really been up to, that is)

  5.  

  6. #5
    Gold Member Delacrank's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Brooklyn
    Age
    34
    Posts
    938
    Gender
    Male
    Maybe the more interesting question you should be asking yourself is what attracted you to this type of person in the first place. And how can you avoid making a similar mistake in the future. It is easy to blame our partners for the personality flaws they have, without realizing that those flaws are the very ones which attracted us in the first place. I want you to think deeply about this. Chances are if you don't, you will be doomed to repeat a similar behavior in the future. I wish you the best in this time of healing.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    13
    Thanks so much for the advice.

    Her looks, kindness and love.

    She craves love. I have never seen anything like it. She has had abandonment issues as a child. She was neglected to an extent in a family, the middle child.

    This has come up in her counselling sessions. They have majority been about childhood traumas. I have not asked many questions as she doesnt want to re hash her sessions.

    Our last point of contact she told me she is scared and lonely. She has never been alone in 9 Years. Either has had boyfriends or people onto her.

    She says we may not be compatible. She holds out a bit of hope for a future together. If we both change our ways for ourselves. She wants me to be happy. Whether it's with her or not.

    I've asked her about the future and she says I may move on myself. She doesnt know what will happen but reiterates we would have to change our ways to work.

    As I said she doesnt want to cut contact.
    She calls me her best friend.
    And mentioned us getting through this together bu keeping contact but separately.

    I'm afraid if I keep contact she will more or less use me. She says she is very upset now but it has to be done.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Delacrank's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Brooklyn
    Age
    34
    Posts
    938
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I have a feeling she'd been bottling up a lot in an effort to placate you and she's just letting it all out now that it's over.
    I couldn't have really thought of this myself and I am actually very impressed with the analysis. It speaks volumes in terms of the type of relationship even early on. Also, its not possible to be used unless you are willing to be used. In my opinion, I would focus on your own life for now, until things settle down. Maybe then you will have more perspective on how to approach the situation. This is especially true if you are feeling vulnerable, take time to be with your thoughts and process them, without her influence.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,225
    Originally Posted by joe89
    As I said she doesnt want to cut contact.
    She calls me her best friend.
    And mentioned us getting through this together
    bu keeping contact but separately.
    This an extension of her immaturity. Most mature adults would recognize that exes cannot really remind in close contact right after a break-up, and that couples can't exactly work on issues by breaking up. It sounds like she is still telling you what she thinks sounds good, and trying to soften the blow.

    I still feel the bigger issue is that she was no longer happy and wanted out. And yes, this might be a scary step for her if she's used not to being alone. This is why I would strongly encourage you not to remain in close contact, as she may in fact start turning to you for company when she has no real intention of reconciling.

    For reference, how old are you both?

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    13
    I am 31. She is 26 going on 27 soon.

    I have some good close friends and family that I have contacted already and talking is helping.

    One has said run for the hills!

    I dont see the girl that I thought I knew anymore.
    It's a different person.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,225
    Originally Posted by joe89
    I dont see the girl that I thought I knew anymore.
    It's a different person.
    This is the crux of the problem, really.

    It seems she tried to present herself as the woman she thought you wanted, but that's not exactly who she really is. Sooner or later, keeping up that sort of facade will get old and no longer be a viable option. That's what I think has happened here. She realized she was concealing her true character and felt she couldn't be who she actually is because she knew you wouldn't want that person.

    I asked before, but it might have got lost in the thread: do you think there was any truth to her assertion that you can be controlling and aggressive? What is she basing that on?

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •