Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 30 of 30

Thread: Deceit

  1. #21
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    13
    Yes perhaps. Maybe I put up with these things because she was stunning and she was kind a lot of the time. I wanted to build my future around her...

    She told me months ago when she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety that she will always have it. And that I may not be able to handle it.

    I'm heartbroken that's it's all fallen apart.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,596
    Originally Posted by joe89
    Yes perhaps. Maybe I put up with these things because she was stunning and she was kind a lot of the time. I wanted to build my future around her...

    She told me months ago when she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety that she will always have it. And that I may not be able to handle it.

    I'm heartbroken that's it's all fallen apart.
    I understand...

    dealing with someone else's mental health issues is something that can destroy your own life.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I encourage you to look for more in a partner. Its really immature and shallow to put up with the crazy hot chick. It will reach a point where NO ONE is impressed by her looks and the convo becomes how sad for you, that you're that insecure and all you've endured because you don't think you can do better.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    38,539
    Gender
    Male
    You did the right thing ending it.
    Originally Posted by joe89
    I may not be able to handle it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,482
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry about all this.

    You're getting great advice here, and I hope that's helping the spins slow a bit. What you're describing in this thread? It is kind of the textbook of a toxic relationship—one where the toxins were always there, baked into the dynamic, and it just took some time for them to really surface. Physical chemistry—which seems to be the most genuine connection point between you two—can only provide so much glue and coverage from the storm for so long.

    As the smoke clears, I hope you can give yourself some time to focus on what drew you to this, to her. Yeah, the looks seem to be a big part of it, but as does the belief that she is fragile, even broken—that she could be, in ways, "controlled" or perhaps "molded" is the better word. Did that give you a sense of power, of meaning? Did you like the narrative in which you could be the guiding force in her life, the cure for her ailments? I ask those questions with no judgement—have had to ask them of myself, in some dynamics—but just to to help you see this, and yourself, a bit more clearly.

    Parents who invest too heavily in their children along those planes find themselves in trouble: their children will eventually start rejecting them, in order to find identity. Rejection could come in the form of getting amazing grades, in order to make money and move away, or in the form of taking up, I don't know, smoking. Same thing, really: power grabs when you feel disempowered, a way out of someone's shadow. One is just healthier, more mature.

    When such dynamics become the basis of romance they really have a shelf life. While this woman clearly lacks a lot of emotional maturity—the moment she hit you being a case study in that, and the moment your relationship should have ended, since such a gesture is the polar opposite of love, respect, and compassion—it's pretty clear to my eyes that she felt really, really disempowered in your orbit. Bad news, that. Regardless of who people are—their strengths, their weaknesses—it is pretty humiliating to feel "small" alongside someone and to feel that your greatest attribute is your looks. Nobody, not even someone who meets the dictionary definition of "broken," wants to spend time with someone that makes them feel more broken.

    Imagine someone you like looking at the way you like looking at her. Now imagine that same woman knows herself, trusts herself, accepts the full spectrum of her strengths and weaknesses, habits good and bad, and does not feel "small," not in the world—and, therefore, not alongside you. Big picture, I think that's what you want, and perhaps what you broke your brain a bit to believe was this. It wasn't, and I'm sorry for that. Know the realization stings, and you're just 48 hours into wrestling with all this.

    The good news here—and this is real—is that there is now room to find it, once you heal from this, process it, and maybe work on your own self-confidence so you don't need to find it in being the "big" one inside a relationship and can take comfort in just being an equal. If you find yourself involved with someone who lives her life in a way you don't agree with, be it smoking or credit cards, the instinct should be to call a spade a spade—incompatible—rather than see if you can turn a spade into a queen. Aside from the good times you two shared, perhaps she came into your life to teach you that lesson.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    13
    Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate anyone taking the time to write something.

    I agree with the points.
    Sometimes I can put other people down if there is an issue i have with them.

    Our similarities are rare. We share different hobbies. Different outlooks... she spends spends I would save to buy a house. I see this in her family, it's all flash new cars etc...an image. I am not into material things.

    We had similar dreams. And it hurts to think these dreams wont come true.

    I am having a terrible mix of emotions now.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,482
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by joe89
    I am having a terrible mix of emotions now.
    This is totally okay, expected. Just a breaking a bone causes serious pain and discomfort—pain that can only be felt, and treated—a breakup does something similar to the spirit. Try not to judge it all too much, but to accept that what you're feeling right now, two days after a bomb went off, is what you should be feeling. Also try to accept that it is a mix of feelings that will pass, with time, if you can respect them as things you need to swim through to get to smoother waters rather than things to hang onto.

    If you are into saving and she is into spending, to use an easy example, the obvious conclusion is that you do not actually share similar dreams, similar values. Stuff to think about. Teaching someone to save when they want to spend is different than being on the same page, wanting the same things. I imagine she gave you the impression that she wanted to "change"—and, of course, being fertilizer for change is a pretty intoxicating drug for the ego—but connection does not have to operate like that.

    Moving forward, maybe ask yourself if you'd be happier with someone who, whether they knew you or not, would be a money-saving non-smoker. No, you would never get the reward of steering them from light to dark, but in exchange for giving up that you'd get something else: a connection with a likeminded equal, where drama is replaced by genuine depth. Hard stuff to think about now, I know, but it's the path out of the quicksand and toward more stable ground, the sort you can really build a home atop.

  8. #27
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    13
    Some of these messages are bringing tears to my eyes.

    I am in bits but know the muddy waters will clear.


    I just felt she was the one at the age I am at.

    We had views places to live to rent recently.
    That's how close we were to living together.
    She was pushing for it more than me as much as she could. She really wanted it. She had thought I was the one.

    Would it be wise to block her?

    We have ended on good terms. A possibility at rekindling and restarting again. But a reality that we havent worked. The love is there from both of us. The realisation that we have different things to work on ourselves. She is in medication now for the depression and recommenced counselling.

    I plan to work on myself. I dont plan to wait for her or to be fed breadcrumbs as I have seen this happen before.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,697
    Gender
    Female
    If anyone ever needs an example of a classic toxic relationship, this is it.

    I know you are hurting, but I really really hope that you find the strength to cut all contact with her permanently and spend some time reflecting on the following:

    Your biggest point of attraction to her is "she is stunning looking". Basically, your lower half did all the thinking and your upper half did all the spackling, sweeping under the rug and rationalizing away her terrible behavior and massive incompatibilities between you. You say that you were building a future together, but if you are truly honest with yourself, there was no building here. You had a vision you were trying to make her fit into because she is hot. Think on this - you are a saver, she is a spender, you want to plan or do this for your future, she does opposite and hides it from you because....conflict. You can't stand smoking, she smokes - big deal breaker for most people. You call her kind, she physically hit you (yes, abusive people can be really nice when they aren't abusing you). Not even going to get into all the lies and gaslighting she has been doing to you. Please understand that genuinely kind people are like that all.the.time, not just in between tantrums and attacks. If you think she is a kind person, please revisit that definition and sort out what genuine kindness actually looks like because this isn't it.

    I'm sure if you look back honestly, there are many many many more examples where you did not match at all and should have parted ways long ago. To say that she is a totally different person from who you thought is really rather dishonest on your part because you spent 2 years ignoring who she is really is because....stunningly hot.

    If you don't want to make this kind of a mistake again and genuinely want a happy relationship and a lasting marriage, please think long and hard about what I said even if it stings right now.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,736
    "Rekindle" and "restart"? What? Something that proved to not work? Why put yourself through this again? Because you know neither of you will "change". She won't suddenly become a non-smoking saver who discusses differences calmly, without hitting. And you won't suddenly become someone who is totally fine married to a smoker, who is fine with impulsive spending and who isn't pushy during disagreements.

    Right now you think she is the cure for the pain you're feeling. But look at my signature line. The cure for a 3rd degree burn isn't fire.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,717
    You are not compatible, at all. Add on all of the lying and toxic behavior, does not make this doable.

    You will need to cut all contact, you cannot be friends. When everything is settled regarding finances, you need to block and delete.

    I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Do not compare your life to others. as it is better to be happy. You are also very young.

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •