Deceit

Hi guys, I am a 31 M that is recently broken up with a 27 F after a 2 year relationship.

It started off amazingly as all things do and we did so much together. We were different in our interests but similar in our desires to settle down and build a life for each other after a few months. We saved money to build our future and constantly talk about kids etc

After a year and a bit things took a dip. We argued a bit. Her saying I was controlling and her showing an aggressive streak. Two trips away were almost ruined and I could not recognise the person before me. 6 months ago she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She had increased her studies and a lot of stress built up. She had a lot of low days where I stood by here and held her as she cried. She began counselling and was put on anti depressants. She queried people I became friends with at work from the opposite sex in my new job and became jealous. She had been horrible to me at stages but I loved her so much I blamed the depression.

Her aggressiveness increased with name calling over the last few months. Then she would shower me with affection. I thought to leave months ago but I wanted to stand by her. I even mentioned to her mother should I leave and give her time.

Anyway we went out. We planned to move in together and were actively looking for an apartment. We rented separately and it was awkward seeing each other at times. We needed out own space and planned to purchase a house in the next year or so.

Aftee a wonderful trip 1 month ago where we created such amazing memories and got on so well the issues recommenced. I discovered she smokes. Something she said was a new habit and hid from me. I detest smoking and she would say she would stop. And then smoke when I wasnt around but I could smell it off her clothes. This really upset me that she lied.

We broke up 2 days ago. Her citing she needed to love herself before she could live anyone and our relationship was toxic.

She told me things I never knew before.

She had smoked for the 2 years we were together. Something she had denied multiple times.

She had taken out a credit card 1 year ago after we discussed the cons of it and we agrees it was a poor idea and that we should cut back on savings. She always said she never had a credit card and then admitted she had one for 3 months after lying to me continually.

When we met she said she was single 2 months. However she has just told me that she broke up with her bf the day after the night I first met her. (We exchanged numbers only) and dated the following week.

And finally she has admitted to be unfaithful in her last 2 relationships. Which has me shocked. I cant eat or sleep thinking about this.

She says she is still attracted to me and never cheated on.me. she has never lost attraction for me physically. She says she I more mature now. She is a very attractive girl and would get attention easily.

I am shocked after 2 years I feel like I dont know this person. I am sick because I built my future around her. I have not slept in 2 days and barely ate.

She wants to continue as friends as she seeks help to love herself and asks me to get some help for my attitude stringent ways which she says can be controlling.

I feel I cant continue as friends. I feel so betrayed. How could I trust someone like this.... I feel I've wasted 2 years. All my friends are settling down engaged married buying houses and I felt this was the one. I dont even know what to tell people. I am almost embarrassed.

Any advice is welcome please. Had anyone been in a similar situation?

It seems like shes gas lighting you every time you bring up any of the issues you have with her. It's never that shes lying or being depressed, rather you who are controlling and being aggressive.

This is probably a normal reaction to anyone who feels like they are being accused of something thou. I should note that I feel very strongly that everything aside (except for the cheating), her lying is probably a defensive mechanism for someone who has low self esteem. If you really wanted to be with this person then in the end you are gong to have to accept that they lied about several aspects of themselves. All in all its a lot of red flags in which seems to be a sort period of time, I am sort of wondering how it is possible that you haven't noticed more of these as the relationship was progressing, or whether you were actively ignoring them.

More than anything, if she's lying about small things, then chances are shes lying about big things as well. It's not that the relationship is lost at this point, but rather are you willing to accept this new person, not the one you thought you were in a relationship with. I think when you can come to terms with that, you can make a decision as to whether or not you want to continue.

She admits to being wrong now and lying. She tells me I dont deserve it but she finds it hard when I argue with her. I see it as standing up for myself, not being a doormat. She sees it as controlling.

I will not be contacting her in the near future. She has turned my world upside down. She has said she doesn't know what will happen that she still loves me and is a mess right now. She needs to love herself. She feels alone and scared.

I blame myself a bit for not understanding her depression more. I have been told she is delicate and fragile. Yet what I have seen of her the past few months is aggressive and strong to me. She has been bullied as a teenager and I have been told by her brother she has had aggression issues.

Again all these things were spoofed to me as I for to know her.

I'm devastated. I am focusing so much on her cheating in prior relationships more than anything. Should I be? She always claimed cheating would be the most horrible thing ever. And said she felt so ashamed after it.

Love is most definitely blind.

I don't think you two are very compatible.

You have different ways of dealing with issues and seem to have a parent-child dynamic going on. This reads a lot like she is the wayward teen hiding things from her dad, which obviously doesn't work well. I think she doesn't know to tell you that she is tired of the relationship and wants to end it. She might indeed be struggling with depression but I don't think that's what ultimately led to the split. As I read it, it was a pretty significant divergence in values and priorities, and when you two tried to make them line up with each others', it didn't work.

As for her cheating in previous relationships, well, it's not a good look for her but it's not that relevant to your own break-up. I am not sure why she elected to tell you this now, but I have a feeling she'd been bottling up a lot in an effort to placate you and she's just letting it all out now that it's over. Maybe she's resentful that she felt she had to hide so much about herself or some such thing. All of this speaks to an overall lack of maturity, though. She evidently dodged the truth and would tell you whatever she thought you wanted to hear. That's not the basis for something long-lasting because it's not an honest foundation.

Looking at it from another angle: how did things go when you two argued? She feels you are controlling and can be aggressive. Is there any truth to that? Meaning, how did you react when things like money or smoking came up? (before you knew what she'd really been up to, that is)

Maybe the more interesting question you should be asking yourself is what attracted you to this type of person in the first place. And how can you avoid making a similar mistake in the future. It is easy to blame our partners for the personality flaws they have, without realizing that those flaws are the very ones which attracted us in the first place. I want you to think deeply about this. Chances are if you don't, you will be doomed to repeat a similar behavior in the future. I wish you the best in this time of healing.

Thanks so much for the advice.

Her looks, kindness and love.

She craves love. I have never seen anything like it. She has had abandonment issues as a child. She was neglected to an extent in a family, the middle child.

This has come up in her counselling sessions. They have majority been about childhood traumas. I have not asked many questions as she doesnt want to re hash her sessions.

Our last point of contact she told me she is scared and lonely. She has never been alone in 9 Years. Either has had boyfriends or people onto her.

She says we may not be compatible. She holds out a bit of hope for a future together. If we both change our ways for ourselves. She wants me to be happy. Whether it's with her or not.

I've asked her about the future and she says I may move on myself. She doesnt know what will happen but reiterates we would have to change our ways to work.

As I said she doesnt want to cut contact.

She calls me her best friend.

And mentioned us getting through this together bu keeping contact but separately.

I'm afraid if I keep contact she will more or less use me. She says she is very upset now but it has to be done.

I have a feeling she'd been bottling up a lot in an effort to placate you and she's just letting it all out now that it's over.

I couldn't have really thought of this myself and I am actually very impressed with the analysis. It speaks volumes in terms of the type of relationship even early on. Also, its not possible to be used unless you are willing to be used. In my opinion, I would focus on your own life for now, until things settle down. Maybe then you will have more perspective on how to approach the situation. This is especially true if you are feeling vulnerable, take time to be with your thoughts and process them, without her influence.

As I said she doesnt want to cut contact.

She calls me her best friend.

And mentioned us getting through this together bu keeping contact but separately.

This an extension of her immaturity. Most mature adults would recognize that exes cannot really remind in close contact right after a break-up, and that couples can't exactly work on issues by breaking up. It sounds like she is still telling you what she thinks sounds good, and trying to soften the blow.

I still feel the bigger issue is that she was no longer happy and wanted out. And yes, this might be a scary step for her if she's used not to being alone. This is why I would strongly encourage you not to remain in close contact, as she may in fact start turning to you for company when she has no real intention of reconciling.

For reference, how old are you both?

I am 31. She is 26 going on 27 soon.

I have some good close friends and family that I have contacted already and talking is helping.

One has said run for the hills!

I dont see the girl that I thought I knew anymore.

It's a different person.

I dont see the girl that I thought I knew anymore.

It's a different person.

This is the crux of the problem, really.

It seems she tried to present herself as the woman she thought you wanted, but that's not exactly who she really is. Sooner or later, keeping up that sort of facade will get old and no longer be a viable option. That's what I think has happened here. She realized she was concealing her true character and felt she couldn't be who she actually is because she knew you wouldn't want that person.

I asked before, but it might have got lost in the thread: do you think there was any truth to her assertion that you can be controlling and aggressive? What is she basing that on?

Yes. I can make a lot of decisions. Before I have been controlling but in this relationship not so much. When I discovered she was smoking I was dismayed . I told her she should stop. After a week I realised I cant stop her. And I joked about her smoking. I have matured a lot from past relationships . Yes I can be aggressive in arguments.

Yes I can be aggressive in arguments.

Can you elaborate a bit on this?

What do you do or say that could be interpreted as aggressive?

I suppose I wouldnt allow myself to be pushed around. I would never lay a finger on anyone. I would get angry ie smoking or other things, sometimes the she is treated by a family member of hers I would get very annoyed and almost force my opinion.

One evening a few months she did hit me. Which really upset me.

On a night out a few weeks back. My malw friend and I were talking and my gf lambasted me after. Ignored me then for half an hour said I was talking about girls. Which we weren't.

Later she spoke to a random guy who came up to her. I said nothing. I wasnt jealous. I tried to explain this to her...one rule for me one rule for her.. I loved her so much I'd never think to look at another person. She apologised after saying she would not like it if I did it.

I suppose I wouldnt allow myself to be pushed around. I would never lay a finger on anyone. I would get angry ie smoking or other things, sometimes the she is treated by a family member of hers I would get very annoyed and almost force my opinion.

 

One evening a few months she did hit me. Which really upset me.

Of course you were upset; she has no right to put her hands on you in anger. Physical abuse is never acceptable, coming from a man or a woman. Did she ever apologize for that? Recognize the seriousness of her behavior?

The more you write, the more toxic this relationship sounds. Or at least, it had become very toxic in recent months. She seems to have also become quite paranoid about you being unfaithful. Sometimes this is projection - any chance she has been talking to someone else? Much as you probably don't even want to consider it or believe it could be possible, I am not sure I'd rule it out altogether either.

Reluctantly apologised. I had to ask her.

The always left her phone around me. Something I never do. I knew her pin as she gave it to me always handed me her phone if I wanted to look up something or pick a song in the car.

Same with her laptop. Never hid those.

2 weeks ago she gave me her Instagram account details out of nowhere as she wanted me to correspond with a person she was buying tickets off for a concert. Again I personally wouldnt do that for any reason really.

She constantly treated me to things. Well that was mutual. She was so kind to me.

She also told me yestersy when all these lies were coming out she never lost physical attraction for me and still hasn't. That this relationship is toxic. And she needs to fix herself. That I cannot fix her. And suggested I seek help for aggressive issues I have.

She said she would get a number for me. And to support each other

She also told me yestersy when all these lies were coming out she never lost physical attraction for me and still hasn't. That this relationship is toxic. And she needs to fix herself. That I cannot fix her. And suggested I seek help for aggressive issues I have.

Well, she's definitely right about these two things.

The likelihood that this is going to work out is very low, man. You would be best to consider it done and over. She appears to have checked out a while ago but doesn't want to lose your companionship altogether. However, she can't expect you two to "support each other" when she's already ended it. She needs to puy on her Big Girl Pants and understand that a break-up means that the ex won't be waiting around in the wings.

I would be reluctant to wait and keep contact for 2 or 3 months for her to say to me why did you wait..

I plan on no contact.

And trying to sleep to some extent my head is frazzled.

I would be reluctant to wait and keep contact for 2 or 3 months for her to say to me why did you wait..

 

I plan on no contact.

And trying to sleep to some extent my head is frazzled.

I totally agree. That would be very unwise.

A break-up means the friendship you once enjoyed is over too. No Contact will be best, so that you can get some much-needed space. She has family and friends who can support her; that's not your role anymore, as you recognize.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is not who you thought she was. Don't be friends. Let her sort everything out with the help of her doctors, therapists, friends, family. Focus on your own physical and emotional health. Reflect on why she thinks your are "controlling" and "toxic". Although it's clear the relationship as a whole was indeed toxic.

She had taken out a credit card 1 year ago after we discussed the cons of it and we agrees it was a poor idea and that we should cut back on savings. She always said she never had a credit card and then admitted she had one for 3 months after lying to me continually.

She wants to continue as friends as she seeks help to love herself and asks me to get some help for my attitude stringent ways which she says can be controlling.

Thanks so much for the advice.

 

Her looks, kindness and love.

 

She craves love. I have never seen anything like it. She has had abandonment issues as a child. She was neglected to an extent in a family, the middle child.

 

This has come up in her counselling sessions. They have majority been about childhood traumas. I have not asked many questions as she doesnt want to re hash her sessions.

 

Our last point of contact she told me she is scared and lonely. She has never been alone in 9 Years. Either has had boyfriends or people onto her.

 

She says we may not be compatible. She holds out a bit of hope for a future together. If we both change our ways for ourselves. She wants me to be happy. Whether it's with her or not.

 

I've asked her about the future and she says I may move on myself. She doesnt know what will happen but reiterates we would have to change our ways to work.

 

As I said she doesnt want to cut contact.

She calls me her best friend.

And mentioned us getting through this together bu keeping contact but separately.

 

I'm afraid if I keep contact she will more or less use me. She says she is very upset now but it has to be done.

Looks aside, this sounds nothing like what you've described.

Aggressive, physical violence, name calling, none of which are kind or expressions of love.

I agree and it makes complete sense that yes, love is blind. Its been 2 days. Of course you're a mess. I think that's pretty normal when something ends, even when its for best.

You've mentioned your feeling embarassed, all your friends are getting engaged and moving to next stages and you're not.

Again, normal feelings considering the situation but I encourage you to focus on your own feelings. Why do you feel these things?

Is it because you equated having a hot gf as validation that you are better than you actually think you are? And it impresses others?

Why did you think she was the one? Because she's pretty?

What are your thoughts on what makes a good relationship?

Why would you want to be married to her? Is it because all of your friends are getting married? A marriage to a violent, aggressive, name calling smoker does not sound like a good one.

Why are you focused on the cheating on previous boyfriends? Do not believe her? Do you intuitively know she might have cheated on you? You can't trust what she says?

Do you see what I'm getting at?

You're basically justifying being in a bad relationship, grasping at straws to make it a good one because this woman feeds your ego's need for a good looking woman to keep up with your friends.

You need to work on your own self worth and self-esteem. That's the real problem. Stop analyzing this woman and trying to make sense of someone else. Make sense of your own feelings and what is most important to you and for your life.

Once you know who you are, what you want, accept nothing less, cutting off people who do not meet your standards, (NOT trying to fix or change people) things become much easier.

Don't waste your time on her. Focus on you and when its the right time, you'll meet someone better.

Yes perhaps. Maybe I put up with these things because she was stunning and she was kind a lot of the time. I wanted to build my future around her...

She told me months ago when she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety that she will always have it. And that I may not be able to handle it.

I'm heartbroken that's it's all fallen apart.

Yes perhaps. Maybe I put up with these things because she was stunning and she was kind a lot of the time. I wanted to build my future around her...

 

She told me months ago when she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety that she will always have it. And that I may not be able to handle it.

 

I'm heartbroken that's it's all fallen apart.

I understand...

dealing with someone else's mental health issues is something that can destroy your own life.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I encourage you to look for more in a partner. Its really immature and shallow to put up with the crazy hot chick. It will reach a point where NO ONE is impressed by her looks and the convo becomes how sad for you, that you're that insecure and all you've endured because you don't think you can do better.

You did the right thing ending it.

I may not be able to handle it.

Sorry about all this.

You're getting great advice here, and I hope that's helping the spins slow a bit. What you're describing in this thread? It is kind of the textbook of a toxic relationship—one where the toxins were always there, baked into the dynamic, and it just took some time for them to really surface. Physical chemistry—which seems to be the most genuine connection point between you two—can only provide so much glue and coverage from the storm for so long.

As the smoke clears, I hope you can give yourself some time to focus on what drew you to this, to her. Yeah, the looks seem to be a big part of it, but as does the belief that she is fragile, even broken—that she could be, in ways, "controlled" or perhaps "molded" is the better word. Did that give you a sense of power, of meaning? Did you like the narrative in which you could be the guiding force in her life, the cure for her ailments? I ask those questions with no judgement—have had to ask them of myself, in some dynamics—but just to to help you see this, and yourself, a bit more clearly.

Parents who invest too heavily in their children along those planes find themselves in trouble: their children will eventually start rejecting them, in order to find identity. Rejection could come in the form of getting amazing grades, in order to make money and move away, or in the form of taking up, I don't know, smoking. Same thing, really: power grabs when you feel disempowered, a way out of someone's shadow. One is just healthier, more mature.

When such dynamics become the basis of romance they really have a shelf life. While this woman clearly lacks a lot of emotional maturity—the moment she hit you being a case study in that, and the moment your relationship should have ended, since such a gesture is the polar opposite of love, respect, and compassion—it's pretty clear to my eyes that she felt really, really disempowered in your orbit. Bad news, that. Regardless of who people are—their strengths, their weaknesses—it is pretty humiliating to feel "small" alongside someone and to feel that your greatest attribute is your looks. Nobody, not even someone who meets the dictionary definition of "broken," wants to spend time with someone that makes them feel more broken.

Imagine someone you like looking at the way you like looking at her. Now imagine that same woman knows herself, trusts herself, accepts the full spectrum of her strengths and weaknesses, habits good and bad, and does not feel "small," not in the world—and, therefore, not alongside you. Big picture, I think that's what you want, and perhaps what you broke your brain a bit to believe was this. It wasn't, and I'm sorry for that. Know the realization stings, and you're just 48 hours into wrestling with all this.

The good news here—and this is real—is that there is now room to find it, once you heal from this, process it, and maybe work on your own self-confidence so you don't need to find it in being the "big" one inside a relationship and can take comfort in just being an equal. If you find yourself involved with someone who lives her life in a way you don't agree with, be it smoking or credit cards, the instinct should be to call a spade a spade—incompatible—rather than see if you can turn a spade into a queen. Aside from the good times you two shared, perhaps she came into your life to teach you that lesson.

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate anyone taking the time to write something.

I agree with the points.

Sometimes I can put other people down if there is an issue i have with them.

Our similarities are rare. We share different hobbies. Different outlooks... she spends spends I would save to buy a house. I see this in her family, it's all flash new cars etc...an image. I am not into material things.

We had similar dreams. And it hurts to think these dreams wont come true.

I am having a terrible mix of emotions now.