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Thread: Attempt at more security about her ex

  1. #21

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    Thanks everyone for the thoughtful and insightful comments.

    You’re right - the bigger issue is how we resolve (or don’t resolve) our conflicts.

    I guess the thing is that we’re compatible in many ways. Like, Our relationship really is great 99% of the time. But it’s the 1% where it flat out gets ugly for - in my view - no good reason. And honestly the friction seems to come every 4 months or so - and is typically over something I would say is benign. For example, things will have been going great, And just when that feeling hits me that we’re “leveling up”, I get blindsided with an argument about something so small. Recently, I asked her for a favor (start the dishwasher) before she went out with friends for the day. Man did that blow up in my face. Like, hardcore she put the walls up and never apologized. I won’t go into her eventual explanation - but safe to say she’ll have very strong reactions to really small things. It’s everything in between these blow ups that keeps me going. She knows this is a problem - not just for us - but for her. To be honest her ex made mention of this to me recently. Sounds like it was a core issue for them many years ago.

    When she started CBT I thought perhaps that would be a huge help. I really care more about her and her ability to cope with basic life stuff. I want to be patient while she works through this stuff. I adore her daughter and her family as well.

    We stopped living together because I told her we needed to take a step back and re-evaluate things. When she refused to continue her self work - as well as address some things about our conflict styles - I could not continue as things were. To me, it felt like she had given up. Fast forward two months and she says she knows she messed up and knows she needs to self improve. Etc etc.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mrfog
    Thanks everyone for the thoughtful and insightful comments.

    You’re right - the bigger issue is how we resolve (or don’t resolve) our conflicts.

    I guess the thing is that we’re compatible in many ways. Like, Our relationship really is great 99% of the time. But it’s the 1% where it flat out gets ugly for - in my view - no good reason. And honestly the friction seems to come every 4 months or so - and is typically over something I would say is benign. For example, things will have been going great, And just when that feeling hits me that we’re “leveling up”, I get blindsided with an argument about something so small. Recently, I asked her for a favor (start the dishwasher) before she went out with friends for the day. Man did that blow up in my face. Like, hardcore she put the walls up and never apologized. I won’t go into her eventual explanation - but safe to say she’ll have very strong reactions to really small things. It’s everything in between these blow ups that keeps me going. She knows this is a problem - not just for us - but for her. To be honest her ex made mention of this to me recently. Sounds like it was a core issue for them many years ago.

    When she started CBT I thought perhaps that would be a huge help. I really care more about her and her ability to cope with basic life stuff. I want to be patient while she works through this stuff. I adore her daughter and her family as well.

    We stopped living together because I told her we needed to take a step back and re-evaluate things. When she refused to continue her self work - as well as address some things about our conflict styles - I could not continue as things were. To me, it felt like she had given up. Fast forward two months and she says she knows she messed up and knows she needs to self improve. Etc etc.
    Read this back to yourself. You are very much in denial about the extent of the issues and if those issues already cost her her marriage and she did nothing and now this relationship and she still isn't willing to do anything about it - then she is not going to change.

    No matter how you spin it, you need for her to change for the relationship to work - When she started CBT I thought perhaps that would be a huge help. These are your own words.

    Perhaps rather than waiting on her to change, look up codependence and work on your own issues with that.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Op, I think the only thing you can do is back way off. You know what I'm saying?

    1. She didn't call when she was supposed to

    2. you guys are already on shaking ground

    3. from the beginning, you moved forward by giving more to compensate, for what you already weren't receiving (whether it was accepting behavior that did not feel right to you, committing to counseling when she would not, to now this weird living situation)

    If you just let go, when this quarentine situation ends, I think you'll see things more clearly. its just going to take time.

    If the corona virus didn't happen maybe you would have continued to "hang out" and maybe it would have just fizzled out anyway. So thers no sense in making yourself crazy over something you can't control.

    She could find spending time with ex proves they don't belong together.

    You just don't know. But don't let this cloud your judgment, the problem is not the ex. You guys were on the ropes for some time now. The fact that you lived together and now don't is the real story.

    You've been accepting things that are not part of your value system for her. And she's been following her own value system. You cant blame a person for following their nature. Its up to you to accept or reject.

    I'm sorry. This is a tough time for everybody and you've got this added emotional situation.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly you are saying "we" and "our". But when you "took a step back" and stopped living together, it was over. It doesn't matter what issues you think she has or will fix or "refuses to fix", what matters is walking away means the end not the beginning.
    Originally Posted by Mrfog
    We stopped living together because I told her we needed to take a step back and re-evaluate things. When she refused to continue her self work - as well as address some things about our conflict styles

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