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Thread: Attempt at more security about her ex

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mrfog
    But the fact she willingly dismisses my concerns is the core issue for me...She doesn’t seem to understand why I feel the way I do, which is frustrating since it’s as if I’m unreasonable.
    If you and I had a beer 6 weeks ago or 6 months ago—or, ugh, two years ago—is there a chance that you would have uttered these two sentences? I ask because I really think focusing on the things you're focusing on—that potential energy after the kid is a sleep and the wine is poured—might be a coping mechanism to avoid asking the very big question here.

  2. #12

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    If you and I had a beer 6 weeks ago or 6 months ago—or, ugh, two years ago—is there a chance that you would have uttered these two sentences? I ask because I really think focusing on the things you're focusing on—that potential energy after the kid is a sleep and the wine is poured—might be a coping mechanism to avoid asking the very big question here.
    Not sure I fully understand what you mean. Perhaps that’s my issue.

  3. #13
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    I do not understand why you didn't seek counseling instead of taking a break. Why aren't you dealing with things head on?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-29-2020 at 07:12 PM.

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I do not understand why you did;t seek counseling instead of taking a break. Why aren't you dealing with things head on?
    We did. She didn’t like our counselor. I did. She said she had a different person and didnt follow through scheduling after my repeated asking. She has a REALLY hard time hearing things about herself. I guess I gave up when I saw she was avoiding it. I honestly felt it was doing us some good.

    Also, her doc recommended CBT for her. She went about 3 times and it was too much for her. That was the beginning of the end, really. Her reactions tend to be defensive and quite angry.

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  6. #15
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    I think she's checking out. Sorry.

    I think she's using her ex as shoulder to cry on. I think she's likely discussing the problems in your relationship to him but not to be with him but as a male girlfriend.

    As Bluecastle said, remove the ex and your relationship together sounds dead in the water regardless. I'm sorry but I would prepare for the worst. She sounds like she has no fight left in her for you.

    Duw to what's going in the world a bad situation is even worse than usual as life is on pause but when things start dying down I think you will find your relationship is over.

    Very sorry but I can't see anything positive left.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Mrfog
    We did. She didn’t like our counselor. I did. She said she had a different person and didnt follow through scheduling after my repeated asking. She has a REALLY hard time hearing things about herself. I guess I gave up when I saw she was avoiding it. I honestly felt it was doing us some good.

    Also, her doc recommended CBT for her. She went about 3 times and it was too much for her. That was the beginning of the end, really. Her reactions tend to be defensive and quite angry.
    It is good that you tried.

    If she does not want to address the issues then there is no future for you. I am sorry.

  8. #17
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    If there are clearly defined and mutually agreed upon boundaries for the “reset” then this is either in bounds and you’ve gotta make the “attempt for more security” (if you want to keep it together,) or it’s a foul.

    If there isn’t really a game plan for the separation, or if it was actually a breakup first and then you guys changed your minds...then your relationship would appear to me to be on the ropes. Not saying it isn’t valiant to try to be okay with this, but I couldn’t be. If I had the same history as you guys it would probably hurt really bad to a guy like me if my person of the last several years was “hanging out” one on one in a crisis time with her ex. Both pandemic crisis and relationship crisis are things that could drive someone who isn’t willing to do inside work like CBT to seek comfort in the proverbial arms of another and I would have to step back and end things to be okay with myself in this situation.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I do not understand why you didn't seek counseling instead of taking a break. Why aren't you dealing with things head on?
    What I meant here is: Go back to the time before coronavirus, before the troubling stuff with her ex, even before the reset/break. Did you feel, then, that a core issue for you was that she dismissed your feelings? Did you feel, then, that she didn't understand your feelings?

    I can't get into her head, so I don't know what she's frustrated with, feeling, all that. But what I'm getting at that this doesn't sound at all like an isolated moment so much an extension of some long-simmering issues—which, as happens, are surfacing during a stressful time.

    I get the urge to be understanding, patient, all that—during hard times, during all times. But if your only reward is being Mr. Patient & Understanding to someone you don't feel is patient of understanding with you—well, not cool. Not fun. Draining instead of filling.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is all going on. It sounds like a breakup. Who moved out? Moving out is a very definitive step away from the relationship. What is confusing you is that the move out and arguments about changing her behavior was the end, but you seem to think you are still together.
    Originally Posted by Mrfog
    Yes we lived together for 4 years. I suppose it was differences like this that separated us. I feel are simple “behavior requests” so to speak and generally I get defensiveness with eventual understanding but then the behavior is repeated.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Her ex and her relationship with her ex is not the problem here. In fact when you are trying to focus on that, you are really just ignoring the giant elephant in the room - the fact that this relationship has never really worked well. According to your own words, for all 4 years the two of you have always had this friction - not understanding each other, feeling resentful, slighted, etc.

    In fact your relationship has slid so far backwards that you no longer live together. This has nothing to do with the virus or quarantine or her ex. All that friction, all that asking to be understood but it somehow never works or feels satisfying? It's called incompatibility. It's that thing when two basically good people are in some fundamental ways too different to get along smoothly. The right person understands you intuitively, the wrong person doesn't get you even when you beat them with a stick and give them a detailed road map.

    The question is, after 4 years of trying to pound a square peg into a round hole, why can't you acknowledge it's not working and let this go already? When you aren't married and you have drag your SO to therapy to try to force your relationship to work....that's your flashing neon sign that you need to part ways. You may both be lovely and loving people, but you are not good together and that's that. In the future, do not waste 4 years on trying to make something work and maybe address your attachment issues. This living in total denial about basic relationship realities is not healthy for you.

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